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RE - Re-experiencing the Past (eg Flashbacks, Triggers) / Re: Hello...
« on: September 13, 2016, 12:38:53 PM »
hello, meursault! big hug!
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8777
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Fear of rejection
« on: September 13, 2016, 02:31:20 AM »
i have been in that situation more times than i care to recall, from anyone with whom i've had a relationship, be it familial, friend, romantic, spouse - it didn't matter. i would ruminate, run through major backtracks about what he said she said i said, how i should have done it differently, what does the other half of the conversation really mean, what do the actions really mean. horrible!
i would tend to believe that leaving your numbing behaviors behind may have contributed to being able to feel these emotions in such intensity. when i was drinking, it was a lot easier for me to simply drown whatever was bothering me and move on. i'm not saying that's what you've done, just my experience in numbing behaviors.
as i've moved along in recovery, begun getting stronger within myself, more sure of my relationships, more sure of my 'self', some of the doubts have receded. with new people, i'm more able to take things as they come. not perfectly, but better and easier than before. hopefully, you'll find some resolution as you continue on your journey. in the meantime, i agree with 3roses that all we can do is take someone at their word, and discover what happens. not always so easy, but practice helps in the long run. you'll get there.
i would tend to believe that leaving your numbing behaviors behind may have contributed to being able to feel these emotions in such intensity. when i was drinking, it was a lot easier for me to simply drown whatever was bothering me and move on. i'm not saying that's what you've done, just my experience in numbing behaviors.
as i've moved along in recovery, begun getting stronger within myself, more sure of my relationships, more sure of my 'self', some of the doubts have receded. with new people, i'm more able to take things as they come. not perfectly, but better and easier than before. hopefully, you'll find some resolution as you continue on your journey. in the meantime, i agree with 3roses that all we can do is take someone at their word, and discover what happens. not always so easy, but practice helps in the long run. you'll get there.
8778
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Hit a bump
« on: September 13, 2016, 02:15:29 AM »
so glad you found your way out of that funk, 3roses! yay! it shows how far you've come in your own recovery that you can identify your problem, take the necessary steps to resolve it, and learn from the experience. well done!
8779
Introductory Post / Re: Looking for help in healing self from C-PTSD
« on: September 13, 2016, 02:06:38 AM »
hey, rhino warrior,
you wrote that compared to many folks, your situation doesn't seem that bad right now. you also wrote that you have difficulty getting any kind of business situation back on track, that you feel inadequate, can't carry on some basic functions, have no interest in dating even after 8 yrs., and that things you need to do trigger you into paralysis. i think your situation seems plenty challenging, that your life is difficult to navigate at best, and that, comparisons aside, you're really struggling.
we all have our own stories, our own ways through recovery, and our own levels of difficulty to try to manage. i'm glad you decided to give this forum a shot. i've found it so helpful, so supportive, and full of kind, caring, and understanding people. i hope that now that you're here, you can discover the pieces that are missing and start putting yourself and your life back together. i'm really glad you decided to share and glad you're part of us.
you wrote that compared to many folks, your situation doesn't seem that bad right now. you also wrote that you have difficulty getting any kind of business situation back on track, that you feel inadequate, can't carry on some basic functions, have no interest in dating even after 8 yrs., and that things you need to do trigger you into paralysis. i think your situation seems plenty challenging, that your life is difficult to navigate at best, and that, comparisons aside, you're really struggling.
we all have our own stories, our own ways through recovery, and our own levels of difficulty to try to manage. i'm glad you decided to give this forum a shot. i've found it so helpful, so supportive, and full of kind, caring, and understanding people. i hope that now that you're here, you can discover the pieces that are missing and start putting yourself and your life back together. i'm really glad you decided to share and glad you're part of us.
8780
General Discussion / Re: Trusting people
« on: September 12, 2016, 07:25:25 PM »
i think, that as long as it makes sense to you, that's what counts. i never thought of bringing those two critics together in a compassionate way. my concept of trusting myself mainly meant that i could put out my own boundaries and stick with them, and that i could say 'no' to people who wanted more than was healthy for me to give. i used to find acceptable reasons, meaning they were acceptable to others (like saying i was sick) in order to be able to say 'no' and stick with it. as i've built up my own inner strength, it's easier for me to just say 'no' without having to justify, rationalize, or make excuses for my unwillingness to do something someone else asks me to do.
actually, the concepts of inner and outer critics is new to me, so i never thought in those terms. instead, i thought about old messages i'd learned along the way, unrealistic expectations that had been heaped upon me from a very young age, and how easily i had been manipulated because i never felt grounded in myself - i didn't have opinions, goals, or any kind of true awareness of who i was or who i wanted to be. i just floated from experience to experience, made excuses for others, and always thought of everyone else before me.
but, trusting others has come from being stronger in trusting myself. as i've scraped away those messages and expectations, decided that i didn't want to be sick the rest of my life just so that people wouldn't expect things from me, more than i wanted to give/do, i worked on getting rid of all that was holding me back. it was because i couldn't trust myself to say no and stick by it that i was untrusting of others. i know that they will always be out there, always want more from everybody, and that i can't change them. all i could do was change myself, so i have. some people, even those i keep close, have been clearly disappointed that i didn't do what they wanted, but i know now that not only is it impossible for me to help that, but that taking care of me has to be, must be, my first priority.
that this originated from inner and outer critics is new to me, having never heard it, really, before this forum. you've given me something to think about. thanks. just my thoughts and experience.
actually, the concepts of inner and outer critics is new to me, so i never thought in those terms. instead, i thought about old messages i'd learned along the way, unrealistic expectations that had been heaped upon me from a very young age, and how easily i had been manipulated because i never felt grounded in myself - i didn't have opinions, goals, or any kind of true awareness of who i was or who i wanted to be. i just floated from experience to experience, made excuses for others, and always thought of everyone else before me.
but, trusting others has come from being stronger in trusting myself. as i've scraped away those messages and expectations, decided that i didn't want to be sick the rest of my life just so that people wouldn't expect things from me, more than i wanted to give/do, i worked on getting rid of all that was holding me back. it was because i couldn't trust myself to say no and stick by it that i was untrusting of others. i know that they will always be out there, always want more from everybody, and that i can't change them. all i could do was change myself, so i have. some people, even those i keep close, have been clearly disappointed that i didn't do what they wanted, but i know now that not only is it impossible for me to help that, but that taking care of me has to be, must be, my first priority.
that this originated from inner and outer critics is new to me, having never heard it, really, before this forum. you've given me something to think about. thanks. just my thoughts and experience.
8781
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Hopeless and useless
« on: September 12, 2016, 06:57:30 PM »
hi, saturnrings, glad you're here. i've worked with a troubled adolescent girls population in the past, and working with any type of 'special' population can and will be difficult and stressful at times. i've also messed up a few times. i think it comes with the territory, mainly because we're human, and we're working with other humans, a very unpredictable combination.
you may get sick, you may be tired, you may have an 'off' day. these things happen. because of them, you may show irritation, you may snap at someone, or you may say the wrong word. from what it sounds like, you are genuinely invested in the population you work with, and you work from your heart. that combination will keep mistakes to a bare minimum and easily rectified.
anyone who is as concerned as you about messing up is the absolutely right person for the job. your heart is good, and you can trust that. maybe because this internship is perfect is the reason why you are feeling so adrift - you're not used to such a positive environment, and can't quite trust that it won't eventually turn on you and become abusive after all.
i hope that, as you continue in this internship, it will prove to you that you are not in your family environment, nor in your past abusive internship, in which case you will be able to trust it little by little. sometimes people who can't take a physical break from what's going on, can find a few minutes to take an imaginary break, like a little vacation in your mind. think of somewhere you'd love to be, somewhere that invokes calm and soothing feelings, even for a few minutes. then, just let yourself be there for as long as possible. it may help with the feeling of being stuck, with no way out.
just some thoughts. i wish you only the best in this challenging endeavor.
you may get sick, you may be tired, you may have an 'off' day. these things happen. because of them, you may show irritation, you may snap at someone, or you may say the wrong word. from what it sounds like, you are genuinely invested in the population you work with, and you work from your heart. that combination will keep mistakes to a bare minimum and easily rectified.
anyone who is as concerned as you about messing up is the absolutely right person for the job. your heart is good, and you can trust that. maybe because this internship is perfect is the reason why you are feeling so adrift - you're not used to such a positive environment, and can't quite trust that it won't eventually turn on you and become abusive after all.
i hope that, as you continue in this internship, it will prove to you that you are not in your family environment, nor in your past abusive internship, in which case you will be able to trust it little by little. sometimes people who can't take a physical break from what's going on, can find a few minutes to take an imaginary break, like a little vacation in your mind. think of somewhere you'd love to be, somewhere that invokes calm and soothing feelings, even for a few minutes. then, just let yourself be there for as long as possible. it may help with the feeling of being stuck, with no way out.
just some thoughts. i wish you only the best in this challenging endeavor.
8782
Introductory Post / Re: 1st step - introducing myself
« on: September 12, 2016, 02:23:13 AM »
so glad you took the chance and posted! nope, you're not alone.
i'm a therapist, and it's not uncommon that those in the therapeutic world are ignorant of c-ptsd. i've been doing this for over 25 years, and never heard of it until i was able to see if for myself in myself. c-ptsd is not a recognized diagnosis (like ptsd) in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM), which is basically the therapist's bible, so it's unfamiliar to many therapists. that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. i know it does. sometimes therapists will use a diagnosis of something like 'developmental trauma disorder' instead of c-ptsd. i do hope that your therapist will do some research, though, in order to get familiar with the particulars of c-ptsd.
in the meantime, i hope you find support here. i have found this forum to be extremely helpful, with kind, generous, caring, and supportive people involved in it. this was a big step, and i'm happy you took it. welcome.
i'm a therapist, and it's not uncommon that those in the therapeutic world are ignorant of c-ptsd. i've been doing this for over 25 years, and never heard of it until i was able to see if for myself in myself. c-ptsd is not a recognized diagnosis (like ptsd) in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM), which is basically the therapist's bible, so it's unfamiliar to many therapists. that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. i know it does. sometimes therapists will use a diagnosis of something like 'developmental trauma disorder' instead of c-ptsd. i do hope that your therapist will do some research, though, in order to get familiar with the particulars of c-ptsd.
in the meantime, i hope you find support here. i have found this forum to be extremely helpful, with kind, generous, caring, and supportive people involved in it. this was a big step, and i'm happy you took it. welcome.
8783
General Discussion / Re: Trusting people
« on: September 11, 2016, 06:07:59 PM »
sorry this is so long overdue, contessa. i think i got sidetracked with some of my own stuff. anyway, yes, of course, if you want to answer the question, do so at your own pace, when you're comfortable. i'd love to hear what came up for you. i hope you're less overwhelmed by now, feeling a bit more stable. big hug.
8784
Introductory Post / Re: Recovering alcoholic trying to avoid facing C-PTSD
« on: September 10, 2016, 10:52:37 PM »
hey, fearfull,
i have not had the horrendous experience of being abducted, but i am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. i had 15 yrs. sobriety when several walls came tumbling down at the same time, and i began using again. it wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun, and in fact, it felt worse, i felt worse, for picking up the drink again. i am now 15 yrs. sober again. glad to see you here.
i've found that 12-step groups are excellent for recovery issues. after many years of church work and attendance, i finally found a sense of spirituality in an AA group. that was the beginning of my spiritual journey. i wasn't very trusting in the beginning, either, because it was such a new concept to me. as time went on, and i kept moving forward, spirituality formed within me in a very personal and individual way. it was as if the various segments of my recovery all worked together.
while i'm grateful to the 12-step programs, in my case, they didn't meet all my needs as far as exploring these other issues that were plaguing me. and, i went to various other 12-step groups, attempting to find answers - OA, NA, CoDA, FA, even a generic support group made up of women from different 12-step groups. they were all helpful, up to a point. i believe, at least from what it sounds like to me, that you're at that point.
here's a story i've found helpful when i've come to that point. it's called 'the lion and the roar'. in the wild, the female lion is the hunter, while the male lion has a great roar. when a herd of animals is coming, both the male and female take their places, one on either side of the beasts' path. as the animals come near, the male begins his mighty roaring. fearing that sound, the animals turn away, but head straight toward the waiting lioness, who then goes in for the kill.
we all have choices to make as we continue with our recovery. which way to turn? in your case, getting into your c-ptsd issues is frightening, just like the male lion's roar. but, not getting into them, returning to drinking, is the true danger lying in wait, just like the lioness. i can attest to the fact that whatever recovery issues we decide to work on is scary at times, painful, difficult, and frustrating - sometimes it feels like we're going backward instead of forward. but, as you know from your recovery from alcoholism, each step counts.
and, so, we move ahead, we learn from our backward steps, and we keep going because we have a goal we want to reach. we enable ourselves to come out of the darkness, to see the light, to celebrate ourselves and our victories, to feel better about ourselves and our lives, about who we really are. we can't discover any of that unless we put one foot in front of the other, baby steps at times into the roar. the roar holds no true danger for us, only a lot of loud air.
i don't know if any of this helped, but i want you to know that you're welcome here, and you're not alone. we're all in this together. so glad you posted. that was a step into the roar.
i have not had the horrendous experience of being abducted, but i am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. i had 15 yrs. sobriety when several walls came tumbling down at the same time, and i began using again. it wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun, and in fact, it felt worse, i felt worse, for picking up the drink again. i am now 15 yrs. sober again. glad to see you here.
i've found that 12-step groups are excellent for recovery issues. after many years of church work and attendance, i finally found a sense of spirituality in an AA group. that was the beginning of my spiritual journey. i wasn't very trusting in the beginning, either, because it was such a new concept to me. as time went on, and i kept moving forward, spirituality formed within me in a very personal and individual way. it was as if the various segments of my recovery all worked together.
while i'm grateful to the 12-step programs, in my case, they didn't meet all my needs as far as exploring these other issues that were plaguing me. and, i went to various other 12-step groups, attempting to find answers - OA, NA, CoDA, FA, even a generic support group made up of women from different 12-step groups. they were all helpful, up to a point. i believe, at least from what it sounds like to me, that you're at that point.
here's a story i've found helpful when i've come to that point. it's called 'the lion and the roar'. in the wild, the female lion is the hunter, while the male lion has a great roar. when a herd of animals is coming, both the male and female take their places, one on either side of the beasts' path. as the animals come near, the male begins his mighty roaring. fearing that sound, the animals turn away, but head straight toward the waiting lioness, who then goes in for the kill.
we all have choices to make as we continue with our recovery. which way to turn? in your case, getting into your c-ptsd issues is frightening, just like the male lion's roar. but, not getting into them, returning to drinking, is the true danger lying in wait, just like the lioness. i can attest to the fact that whatever recovery issues we decide to work on is scary at times, painful, difficult, and frustrating - sometimes it feels like we're going backward instead of forward. but, as you know from your recovery from alcoholism, each step counts.
and, so, we move ahead, we learn from our backward steps, and we keep going because we have a goal we want to reach. we enable ourselves to come out of the darkness, to see the light, to celebrate ourselves and our victories, to feel better about ourselves and our lives, about who we really are. we can't discover any of that unless we put one foot in front of the other, baby steps at times into the roar. the roar holds no true danger for us, only a lot of loud air.
i don't know if any of this helped, but i want you to know that you're welcome here, and you're not alone. we're all in this together. so glad you posted. that was a step into the roar.
8785
Introductory Post / Re: My shrink told me I'm sick I have a disease
« on: September 10, 2016, 09:18:54 PM »
hey, danaus, i'm glad you're getting your meds straightened out. falling is not a good thing at all, and i can totally relate to that.
you didn't need to return your ex-shrink's 'compliment'. that's a pretty standard statement from an ex- (fill in the blank), someone in the helping professions, especially from someone who doesn't want to look too closely at why s/he is now an 'ex'.
hang tough, danaus. we're here with you.
you didn't need to return your ex-shrink's 'compliment'. that's a pretty standard statement from an ex- (fill in the blank), someone in the helping professions, especially from someone who doesn't want to look too closely at why s/he is now an 'ex'.
hang tough, danaus. we're here with you.
8786
Introductory Post / Re: Hello, from the usual lurker.
« on: September 10, 2016, 09:05:50 PM »
welcome, and so glad you've taken the next step from 'lurking'. so very glad you're here.
your posts can be as intricate or simple as you like. your comfort level will rise as you become more involved at your own pace. we're here for you.
your posts can be as intricate or simple as you like. your comfort level will rise as you become more involved at your own pace. we're here for you.
8787
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Keeping it together when abusive in-law visits?
« on: September 10, 2016, 02:56:24 AM »
i love those humor responses, danaus! good ones!
often, when i've gotten criticized by people, i've said 'thank you', and stare straight at them. they usually don't know how to respond to that because in actuality they've either been spoiling for a fight or are trying to get under your skin. another thing i've done is simply turned and walked away. this is about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself, and you deserve to use any and all weapons at your disposal. i'm glad your hub is going to help out. as d.u. said, it's his mother, it can be his problem.
for the record, as long as you and your hub are pleased with your home, how you do things, your possessions, etc., that's what counts. her neg. opinions/advice are unasked for, uncalled for, and unwarranted. just know in your own heart that your place is great, and the way you do things is great as well. no one can trample on that.
often, when i've gotten criticized by people, i've said 'thank you', and stare straight at them. they usually don't know how to respond to that because in actuality they've either been spoiling for a fight or are trying to get under your skin. another thing i've done is simply turned and walked away. this is about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself, and you deserve to use any and all weapons at your disposal. i'm glad your hub is going to help out. as d.u. said, it's his mother, it can be his problem.
for the record, as long as you and your hub are pleased with your home, how you do things, your possessions, etc., that's what counts. her neg. opinions/advice are unasked for, uncalled for, and unwarranted. just know in your own heart that your place is great, and the way you do things is great as well. no one can trample on that.
8788
Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: dad coming to town today, need encouragement
« on: September 10, 2016, 02:44:51 AM »
i agree with 3roses. you don't have to be anywhere where you're not valued.
8789
General Discussion / Re: another piece of my puzzle -- possible triggers
« on: September 10, 2016, 02:39:37 AM »
wife#2, you've been a great support person for me. thanks so much - so much gratitude.
i had a rough night last night, thinking about what it meant to not have to battle anymore. the battling for me got mixed up with battling the legions of wrong (i've always been an activist), or battling to protect my daughter (even tho she's a grown woman, i'm still a momma bear and she's my cub), or battling to make sure that the right things are happening to help others (i've been big on advocacy). for a minute it was like if i stop battling for me, does that mean i can't/don't battle for anything at all?
i got it straightened out pretty well. basically, it means that i will have more energy to do battle where i see fit if i don't always have to be hyper-alert about taking on personal, psychological enemies. i am a warrior woman, so to speak, and glad to be in that role. but, i think now i don't have to look at everyone's problems as my own to deal with, either. more balance, less stress. so, we'll see where this goes from here.
i did do a funeral for this, laying to rest the idea that i have to continually battle for the right to be me. my floral arrangement is still on my desktop, and i still feel the need to acknowledge it. possibly until i make a full transition. with the help and support i've gotten from you, from this forum, this has been a whole lot easier. cleaning house.
i had a rough night last night, thinking about what it meant to not have to battle anymore. the battling for me got mixed up with battling the legions of wrong (i've always been an activist), or battling to protect my daughter (even tho she's a grown woman, i'm still a momma bear and she's my cub), or battling to make sure that the right things are happening to help others (i've been big on advocacy). for a minute it was like if i stop battling for me, does that mean i can't/don't battle for anything at all?
i got it straightened out pretty well. basically, it means that i will have more energy to do battle where i see fit if i don't always have to be hyper-alert about taking on personal, psychological enemies. i am a warrior woman, so to speak, and glad to be in that role. but, i think now i don't have to look at everyone's problems as my own to deal with, either. more balance, less stress. so, we'll see where this goes from here.
i did do a funeral for this, laying to rest the idea that i have to continually battle for the right to be me. my floral arrangement is still on my desktop, and i still feel the need to acknowledge it. possibly until i make a full transition. with the help and support i've gotten from you, from this forum, this has been a whole lot easier. cleaning house.
8790
RE - Re-experiencing the Past (eg Flashbacks, Triggers) / Re: Stuck
« on: September 10, 2016, 02:16:50 AM »
that session with your new t, no matter how seemingly small it might be, was a huge step for you, 3roses, and a big change. i don't think it's uncommon to go to a place like you're describing after such an emotional experience.
i agree with movementforthebetter that you can just be gentle with yourself, and may i also add patient with yourself as you go through this. i think it's an adjustment to a new world you've entered. when the time comes, so will the energy. until then, you can just be, whatever form that takes. big hug to you, standing right next to you. you're ok.
i agree with movementforthebetter that you can just be gentle with yourself, and may i also add patient with yourself as you go through this. i think it's an adjustment to a new world you've entered. when the time comes, so will the energy. until then, you can just be, whatever form that takes. big hug to you, standing right next to you. you're ok.