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sometimes, we need to walk into the back door for easier access to where we want to be.  the idea of feeling safe is fundamental to us, second only to shelter, food, air, and water as a basic need.  if you have felt unsafe most of your life, it doesn't seem odd to me that you wouldn't recognize safety issues.  how can one recognize something that hasn't been known or addressed?  i'd hazard a guess that your instincts are alive and well, but have been buried under abuse, manipulation, expectations, and the like.  i believe that as you continue your self-exploration, you'll eventually find them and be able to trust them again.  we all trusted our instincts as babies, because we knew exactly what we needed to survive and thrive.  they never leave us, just become hidden over time.  but, they're there, and always will be.  and as we get to know our true selves better, we find those instincts simply waiting for us to discover them again.  i believe you'll get there.

as far as a safe place goes, i have a friend who wrestled with this concept as well.  one day she thought of a road trip she and i took in a van for 2 weeks, drove to the west coast, down to mexico, and back.   needless to say, it was one of the best times of our lives, but it took on an even deeper meaning for her.  it was in that van while we were on the open road that she felt joy, happiness, and a sense of freedom for the first time in her life (she was nearly 40).  as the thought of that trip in that van enveloped her that day, she knew then that her safe place was in that van, because she knew that whatever might happen on the road, we would deal with it.  it was quite the revelation for her.  from then on, when she needed to think of a safe place, she thought of the van.  so, safe place can mean anything to anyone.  you'll find yours. 

i love the idea of snailspace.  that's exactly what it feels like at times.   i'm glad something of what i wrote helped you encounter a realization.  back doors are just as valid as front doors (meaning, sometimes we don't get the understanding we want when he go at something head on, but even if we get it by going in at an angle or from a different direction, it's still an understanding, and that's what counts).    keep taking care of you.  you are precious and important.

by the by, the therapist i have now is young and green, but she's been helpful, and with this forum and my own proactive work on various issues, i feel like i'm making progrss.  thanks.  best to you, too.

i think the bottom line is if you feel safe.  if you don't feel safe, emotionally or physically, for any reason, it's going to be difficult to trust.  and, without trust there is little chance of having a successful therapeutic relationship.  the choice, of course, is ultimately yours.  you are the only one who knows what 'safe' means to you, or if you even want to make that a consideration.  for some people, unsafe has been a way of life for so long that they can't really differentiate, and don't really know unless someone outside of themselves points it out. 

leaving notes on the floor?  what about confidentiality?  and, not cleaning up after a client before the next client comes in?  i'd be questioning her professionalism, too.  concerns about the safety of your car?  well, that's a real thing as well.  but, that's up to you as to how much of a concern it is for you.  sometimes a therapist can be a diamond in the rough, so to speak.  if you're getting excellent treatment, maybe some of the other things aren't that big of a deal in the big picture.  but, it seems like you've already made the decision based on your concerns.  picky?  can we ever be too picky when it comes to our self-worth or mental health and well-being? 

thanks for your support.  finding a good fit with a therapist is experimental at best, hit and miss at times.  in the end, you are the only one who knows what fits for you.  too many 'miss-fits' with a therapist can, i do believe, color the relationship, and ultimately the treatment you receive.  anxiety, mistrust, concern, and any other misgivings,  can only get in the way of the therapeutic relationship, which, in turn, overshadows the amount and quality of the progress you are going to make.  my thoughts only, of course. 

to tell you the truth, it's difficult to be able to tell why this therapeutic experience seems so topsy-turvy to you.  again, i don't think it's you, but what is this therapist doing that makes it seem that way for you?  is she going back and forth between behaviors, some of them welcoming, some of them distancing?  and, yawning (unless she immediately apologized because she was up all night or something) in a session seems just rude to me.  i'm not surprised you have a soft spot for her - she may be reminding you of someone in your life, or a relationship you've had with someone else.   like i said, i understand difficult sessions, but with a competent therapist i never took it personally, never doubted my 'self', as it were.  those times were simply fraught with emotion, painful memories and the like.   and the therapist would reassure me that i was working hard, that getting to the bottom of this stuff is difficult, even painful, at times, but that i could give myself credit for sticking with it, for going through it, or for being courageous enough to even look at the issues.   there may be something here to think about for you, something that might ring true.  or maybe not.  just my thoughts.  i know you're struggling with this, and i also know you'll do what's best for you, whether it be staying or leaving.  it's your journey.   take care of you first, always.

it already has.  i've been talking to my little me all day, and it feels so good.  angels do walk the earth, i'm convinced of that, and they're there when we need them.  thanks again.  it's a good start.

finding the right fit with a therapist can be a hit and miss kind of thing.   just know that it's not you.  and, it may not be the therapist, either.   i agree with arpy1 on that.  but, it seems that you have a lot of doubts and misgivings about this therapist, and that, right there, is a red flag to me. 

i had an awful experience with my first therapist, on many levels, but one that stood out was the idea you mentioned about not feeling good after a session.  not feeling good about yourself?  i don't think that's a good thing.  not feeling good about the way the therapist responded?  not feeling good about how the session went?  also, i don't think those are good things.  to my mind, a therapist should always find a way to help and encourage a client to feel good about him/herself, no matter how difficult the session itself might have been.  we're all going to have difficult sessions at times, when we're confronted with ourselves, our own responsibilities in a relationship, (no, i'm not blaming the victim here, just that we must always look at if or how we might have done things differently in the past, and what we need to change for the future) and/or we went through a sensitive subject that brought our emotions to the fore.   still, no matter what the content of the session, i do believe that the client's well-being comes first.   if nothing else, you show great courage and strength in asking for help, and you deserve the best help you can get.

there are lots of therapists who are very aware of this dynamic, and work hard to provide it for their clients.   i think there is nothing wrong with wanting a therapist who gives that to you, so there is nothing wrong with looking for a different therapist when you don't get it where you are.   it's difficult to have to change therapists, i know, but i also know that when you have one with whom you have a good fit, it makes all the difference in the world.  best to you, sienna. 

thanks, kizzie.  i never even thought of that.  but getting in touch w/ my little girl seems right.  i'm crying as i write this, so i know it struck a chord.  i'm going to start with her, find out more about her, and go exploring with her.  you and your experience were just what i needed when i needed it. 

after doing research on my c-ptsd, i found a list of treatment goals that made sense to me.  the first one was to feel safe, and i have taken steps to do so, and am ready to move ahead.

the second step is self-regulation of my emotions.  this has been an ongoing problem that seems to have gotten worse as time goes by.  i have a difficult time feeling loved, even though, logically, i know i am from a number of sources, including husband, friends, and daughter.  just can't feel it!  have i somehow frozen in this area?  another issue i have is that i'm not in touch with my anger in the present - it often takes me 2 or 3 days after an incident/situation before i realize and can feel how angry i am about it.  and, thirdly, i cry at the drop of a hat.  this began in childhood, i've always been sensitive to the pain of others, especially children, but in a detached way.  for instance, i can't watch movies or tv shows about the holocaust, slavery, torture, the native american tragedy - anything that i believe is fundamentally wrong and uncalled for concerning what one person has done/can do to another that causes such intrinsic pain of mind, body, and soul. 

but i also cry at happy things, such as a kindness being done (again, in reality or on the screen, the feeling is overwhelming to me) or at expressions of love.   i can't even speak of such things without bursting into tears and having to gather myself together in order to finish the sentence.  when i was a child, i remember bursting into tears every time i displeased my dad (who i thought to be like god), and his response would be something to the effect that 'here go the waterworks again'.  i was teased as a child, both by him and by sibs and friends about my crying so much that i eventually stopped crying around the age of 14, (like i built a concrete bunker around me), or avoided situations where i might cry (like singing hymns about how much god loved me),  didn't begin again until i started in therapy at age 38.  now i'm 68, have been crying for 30 years at scenes and situations, and i don't know how to stop!  the concrete has crumbled, and there is so much that i cry at that avoidance is impossible.

i'm seeing a therapist who is barely out of school (i live in a very small town) and she's had no experience with trauma work, so i do a lot of research, print out the info in order to give it to her, so she has a clue as to what's going on with me.  but, on this issue, i'm stuck.  i don't know what to tell her, how to go about getting some semblance of emotional control back, both by being able to feel emotions, and being able to control these tears that come at the slightest provocation.  i am a therapist myself, but i don't know how to treat me!       any feedback is appreciated. 

i, myself, am a therapist, so this may seem ironic on some level, but in my mind, any therapist who's any good puts the well-being of the client first, no matter what the subject matter, including other therapists!   i have had a similar experience in my past, was able to talk to a counselor about a therapist i had recently 'broken up' with after 8 years - it was an extremely incestual therapeutic relationship - and she was able to validate my feelings for me, which really felt good, even told me that she'd heard the same kinds of things from other former clients of that therapist.  i left that session relieved.

as to the idea of anxiety with a therapist, it could very well be the idea of 'being seen', which i would imagine to be very scary.  from what you wrote, your reaction upon leaving the therapist's office, crying, but holding it back until you were done with the session, could be a topic to explore in another session.   if you are believing that therapist #3 is a good fit, that could also be scary.  you haven't had many 'good' fits, and this would be something new; again, scary.  that fear is the anxiety you're feeling.

as an adjunct, i did eventually report that therapist to the state board authority.  unfortunately, the rules for a therapist having multiple roles in a client's life (we were best friends at the same time she was doing therapy with both me and my husband, singly and as a couple, and i worked for her for several years - major ethical breaches) hadn't been formalized until 2 years after my experience, so there was no action that could be taken.  however, they did write me that she was, indeed, in the wrong, and, again, i felt validated.  that is such a terrific feeling, even though she continued to practice.  last i heard, though, was that she had moved back to her home country.  i don't know if she is still doing therapy, but i like to think that my reporting of her may have had some influence on her leaving.  and, good riddance! 

so, i believe reporting unethical therapists is important, but also that you do it when you're ready.  it took me 8 years to work through the anxiety, anger, fear, depression, etc., to the point where i was strong enough to do so.  i understand you have a time limit of 3 years.   i completely support you, and hopefully, through this group and other resources, you are able to find what you need to be able to act within that time frame.  best to you!   

hey, dutch uncle,

i truly appreciate your feedback.  altho i know that i won't get amends, and i don't expect any, i still feel like sending it.  again, i got quite specific with what i felt/believed/knew he did to me in the relationship, and, even if it doesn't sink into his skull at all, i'm still wanting him to know that i know.  this has been hidden, subtle, under-the-table abuse, so to speak, and it feels like bringing it into the open is therapeutic for me.  but, that's the part i'm confused about.  altho it would feel therapeutic to me, is it really that, or just wanting to hold the mirror up to his face, finally!  not that i believe for a minute that he'd acknowledge most of it, he's very good at lying to himself as well as others, and very good at denying and defending his behaviors.  he had a female therapist of his, who worked with him for a year and a half, absolutely appalled when he told her that he'd been called a misogynist.  when he told me this, he also added that 'i'm a very good liar.'  so, it's like i'd actually be the one to tell him the truth about himself.  is that my job?  maybe not, but i've covered for him all these years, and it would feel so good to just be open about it.  any thoughts?

i have just come off a 3-month emotional crisis that was triggered by the anniversary of a highly abusive situation (perpetrated by both my daughter and my ex - her dad) which ended with me cutting contact with both of them.  hers was very straight up - don't contact me until you want to have a respectful, caring, adult relationship with me.  his was a bit more wishy-washy.  i responded to an email of his last oct., but never really told him i wanted no contact.  now, i have blocked his emails, and feel compelled to tell him this (courtesy), but i also want to tell him that he owes me apologies for what went on during our 30 yr. relationship, and listed what i want apologies for.  he's been very good at 'apologizing' in the past, but they always took the form of 'i'm sorry you feel like that'  when i would tell him that an action of his hurt me, etc.  in this current email, i told him that i deserve apologies that show that he owns his behaviors, admits they were wrong, and is able to give me a heartfelt apology for each.  i don't expect anything will come of it, but it felt good to write it down.  my question is:  is this just another way of staying connected?   is this a therapeutic cleansing for me regardless of what he does with it? (i will be talking to my therapist about this as well, but i thought maybe someone had gone thru something similar) is this just part of the obsessive c-ptsd dynamic?  (my therapist doesn't know much about c-ptsd, but in this small town, she's all that's available).  since this latest crisis has passed, i feel stronger and wanting to take back control of my life.  i don't know if writing this to him is me finally being able to tell him like it is (which i've never been able to do before) and putting the crap that has been inside me back where it belongs, or if it is just one more manifestation of negative  c-ptsd behavior.  any and all opinions welcome.  i'm working really hard on getting and digesting feedback instead of just pressing the 'send' button.  it's like i want him to know that i finally know what he's done, and that i deserve amends.   color me confused.

it's a process, isn't it, to figure out what's best for our own selves, especially in the beginning.  it sounds like you've come to some self-loving conclusions on what to do.  happily, as we progress, as we stay out of our own way, the entire process becomes easier.  we see what's happening more quickly, we know more surely how to respond, and we remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost.  your physical messages re: what would be stressful to do, what would be more beneficial for you to do sound loud and clear, and the fact that you're listening to them speaks volumes about your progress with this matter.  keep taking care of yourself.

for one thing, i appreciate your dilemma.  for another,  i can see you want it two ways - to get a message through to your sister (as in, having her hear you), but also wanting her to change (not wanting her to get in between you and your dad).  unfortunately, i don't see either of those happening.  jade is gobbledygook to npd's.  it just doesn't make sense to them.  and, all it does, like you noted, is gives them ammo toward you.  if you decide to respond, it may be in your best interest to kiss - keep it simple, sweetie - , and the simpler the better.  nothing personal - that's all ammo.  as far as not wanting her to insinuate herself between you and dad, well, that is just what npd's do.  they gather an army around them against us.  and, we can't stop that.  i know that from experience.  you may want to question yourself about whether you really are teetering on the edge of the fence because you don't really feel ready to let go yet.  nothing wrong with that, it's just not time yet, for you right now.  i do believe that whatever it is we do is the right thing for us to do at that particular moment.  breaking these bonds is very difficult.  give yourself a break.  take a break from it.  maybe you'll want to talk to your therapist before you take any action.  you have so many options with this.  so many ways to look at it.  it can definitely be confusing.   one question i've come to ask myself frequently before doing or saying something is 'how will this benefit my life?'  it's opened my eyes more times than i can say.  best to you with this. 

i'm discovering the old adage of 'it's going to get worse before it gets better'.  right now i'm feeling pretty fragile - it seems that everything has blown up in my face in the past month, and i've begun both physical and emotional therapy to address the issues that are trying to make me insane.  happily, i've found a therapist who is so very caring and validating, and a massage therapist who hits those pressure points on the nose!  both, however, are very painful and stressful experiences, physically and emotionally.  but, i somehow knew this going into it, and am repeatedly putting myself through the stress because somewhere deep inside i sensed that all the pain i've been holding onto, both physically and mentally/emotionally, will take some hardcore work to release.  i am understanding that i have been poisoned in body and spirit, and every release of some old feeling, some old wounding, will put up a fight to stay where it's been comfortable for so many years.  i have had to guide my massage therapist as to where to work, as well as when to stop because the pain is just too much.  but, i know that my tears are filled with toxins that need to get out of me.  it's not a pretty process, nor is it smooth - my therapist told me i will feel worse before i feel better, but that eventually the 'better' will come.  i am trusting that, have faith in it.  c-ptsd is cruel in the sense that we hurt while we're in its throes, as well as when we're getting out of its clutches.  come what may, we will triumph!  i've been a therapist for 30 years and never knew about c-ptsd - it was never taught, never spoken about, never recognized professionally.  i only wish i'd known about it sooner, both personally and professionally.  as it is, all i can do is slog through the muck for now.  slow going, but eventually . . .

coming out of denial is never easy, and c-ptsd encourages denial because of the many layers that have been heaped upon us.  it can be a slow process with twists and turns that make us feel like we're back where we started, what's the use?  the fact that you're recognizing all this is you moving forward another big step.  eventually those backward steps will become smaller, less, and less often.  much credit to you for sticking with the painful job of recovery.  it'll get better. 

if it looks like hoovering, if it sounds like hoovering, if it feels like hoovering, it is hoovering.

that being said, if you indeed see no contact as the best way to deal with your sister, then any contact, no matter how short and sweet, is no longer no contact.   no contact is something to decide on, then stick to, or it only feeds the narcissist more attention, more narcissistic supply.  the npd NEEDS attention in order to feel his or her own existence.  as long as you give the npd any attention, you are giving him/her what s/he wants and needs.  do you want to continue enabling your sister to have this abusive relationship with you?  it's up to you.  she won't change, and anything you give her will be used against you.  but, you already know this.  so, if you want to make it final, that you don't want to hear from her anymore, that's up to you.  a simple 'i don't want to hear from you anymore' will do.  explanations will make no difference.  if you want to leave things as they are but continue in no contact, then you don't have to respond to her.  that message is a bunch of gobbledygook - to try to make sense of the senseless is futility.  i've had to cut my daughter off, it's been a year, and it's been very difficult.  last month was the one-year anniversary, and it sent me into a tizzy from which i'm still working my way out of.  but, when i told her i didn't want to hear from her anymore, i meant it.  she continued to send me emails, so i blocked her.  i don't go to her facebook page - why would i want to re-stress myself in that way?  and, i think that's a large part of the question.  it's been a major change to begin living without the drama, without the bad feelings about myself, without the worry, without the 'trying to please', without puttng so much of my energy in her direction.  but, the farther away i get from what had been, the relationship i had with her, the more i am able to do other, better things for myself.  i now have more energy for me and the relationships that are healthy and strong and caring and supportive.  and, i wish that type of strength and energy for you as well.  there are ups and downs, of course, but everything is clearer now, and for that i'm grateful, and glad i'm staying away.  trust your gut.  it always knows what's best for you.