the way I can tell is that I start acting out like my child self abused again..
- terror, confusion, anger, rage at some kind of perceived injustice (always an actual injustice in present time but its scale is unhelpfully emphasised by my trauma response)
- trying to change the 'parent' (i.e. the person who triggered the response) by instant & total emotional enmeshment, where I feel their agonising emotions for them so they don't have to suffer that, I think Pete Walker in part describes this as the fawn response, Karla McLaren describes it as 'enmeshment not empathy'. It's a very powerful, agonising trap.
- being the 'parent' and the rescuer for the person who triggered me; validating their feelings/entrenched negativity/rage (whatever toxic spew & no matter how big, bad or inappropriate they are), emotionally supporting them, counselling them for hours to absolutely no avail, they are just as negative as the moment we started. This goes on for hours (like, four hours) and I'm lost in time with them ranting at me; it goes on for hours until some external factor stops it (like the café closes or it's night falls or something).
I then ruminate about it for days, i.e. the EF continues for days, it's agony. I feel violated, tricked & furious that I let it happen again yet still fully responsible for this person's pain & fully certain that I can change their pain into positive action that they'll take on my advice, then they will respect me, say 'thank you' and we'll have a healthy relationship. Then I may end the association in desperation (to make the EF stop) if possible, or if not possible (e.g. if they are my manager) the ugly relationship continues & I get more enmeshed over time.
It took me along time to be able to identify all this. I'm happy to share that with lots of hard work I got better at understanding when it is happening and removing myself from the situation, and that my EF's are getting less intense and less frequent.
- terror, confusion, anger, rage at some kind of perceived injustice (always an actual injustice in present time but its scale is unhelpfully emphasised by my trauma response)
- trying to change the 'parent' (i.e. the person who triggered the response) by instant & total emotional enmeshment, where I feel their agonising emotions for them so they don't have to suffer that, I think Pete Walker in part describes this as the fawn response, Karla McLaren describes it as 'enmeshment not empathy'. It's a very powerful, agonising trap.
- being the 'parent' and the rescuer for the person who triggered me; validating their feelings/entrenched negativity/rage (whatever toxic spew & no matter how big, bad or inappropriate they are), emotionally supporting them, counselling them for hours to absolutely no avail, they are just as negative as the moment we started. This goes on for hours (like, four hours) and I'm lost in time with them ranting at me; it goes on for hours until some external factor stops it (like the café closes or it's night falls or something).
I then ruminate about it for days, i.e. the EF continues for days, it's agony. I feel violated, tricked & furious that I let it happen again yet still fully responsible for this person's pain & fully certain that I can change their pain into positive action that they'll take on my advice, then they will respect me, say 'thank you' and we'll have a healthy relationship. Then I may end the association in desperation (to make the EF stop) if possible, or if not possible (e.g. if they are my manager) the ugly relationship continues & I get more enmeshed over time.
It took me along time to be able to identify all this. I'm happy to share that with lots of hard work I got better at understanding when it is happening and removing myself from the situation, and that my EF's are getting less intense and less frequent.