Quote from: Whobuddy on November 24, 2014, 03:04:10 PM
My situation is a bit different. My childhood house was never clean except when company was coming. I thought this was the norm. I didn't know that other people kept their homes clean on a regular basis. Before guests came there was unspeakable tension, blaming, fighting, and tears to get the house company-ready.
I have no background knowledge on regular, routine housekeeping. I tend to go overboard with making things perfect as if no one lives here or the other extreme of not doing anything but the essentials for eating and wearing clean clothes. When I try to "unclutter" it is the same: one extreme of getting rid of practically everything or wanting to keep it all - just in case. I don't know myself well enough to predict what I might regret disposing of.
Then there is this weird feeling that if the house is totally perfect, I will disappear.
Whobuddy, there was the same situation in my house growing up, pretty much exactly. Housecleaning time was something to be feared, because it would be in an out-of-control rage from mother. However, she also had an occasional habit of going into my room while I was at school and stripping it of everything, even my prized possesions, leaving it empty and echoing. There was such a feeling of invasion at those times. Brr.
When I was older, I tried my best to keep things tidy, but made the surprising discovery that this seemed to make her feel threatened somehow - as if by cleaning I was pointing out how she was a slob.
These days, cleaning (although I can do it, better than my mom could) brings up feelings of panic and fear, and also an anger at myself. Eventually I realized the anger was my mothers rage, internalized.
Anyway, while I don't feel I will disappear if the house is clean, I do have trouble knowing what is clean enough - it's as if it's never clean enough, that I will be judged harshly and unforgivingly for any mistake. My husband mentioned once that my panic makes me do strange things while cleaning - like moving one object seven or eight different times without realizing it.
There is a website called "stepping out of squalor" that helped a lot in getting this stuff in perspective and a lot calmer for me.