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My situation is a bit different. My childhood house was never clean except when company was coming. I thought this was the norm. I didn't know that other people kept their homes clean on a regular basis. Before guests came there was unspeakable tension, blaming, fighting, and tears to get the house company-ready.

I have no background knowledge on regular, routine housekeeping. I tend to go overboard with making things perfect as if no one lives here or the other extreme of not doing anything but the essentials for eating and wearing clean clothes. When I try to "unclutter" it is the same: one extreme of getting rid of practically everything or wanting to keep it all - just in case. I don't know myself well enough to predict what I might regret disposing of.

Then there is this weird feeling that if the house is totally perfect, I will disappear.

Whobuddy, there was the same situation in my house growing up, pretty much exactly. Housecleaning time was something to be feared, because it would be in an out-of-control rage from mother. However, she also had an occasional habit of going into my room while I was at school and stripping it of everything, even my prized possesions, leaving it empty and echoing. There was such a feeling of invasion at those times. Brr.

When I was older, I tried my best to keep things tidy, but made the surprising discovery that this seemed to make her feel threatened somehow - as if by cleaning I was pointing out how she was a slob.

These days, cleaning (although I can do it, better than my mom could) brings up feelings of panic and fear, and also an anger at myself. Eventually I realized the anger was my mothers rage, internalized.

Anyway, while I don't feel I will disappear if the house is clean, I do have trouble knowing what is clean enough - it's as if it's never clean enough, that I will be judged harshly and unforgivingly for any mistake. My husband mentioned once that my panic makes me do strange things while cleaning - like moving one object seven or eight different times without realizing it.

There is a website called "stepping out of squalor" that helped a lot in getting this stuff in perspective and a lot calmer for me.

Thanks for the replies and advice, everyone. Thanks for being so understanding.
It's been a rough couple of days - the anniversary of the first traumatic December event was yesterday, and there are a series of bad memories leading up to the final December trauma on Christmas day. (I haven't been able to enjoy Christmas for more than 30 years - only sort of cope with a fake smile...but not very well.)

So, a cohesive narrative? That makes sense. I've always imagined that there was a narrative quality to the events and feelings, but thinking about it more deeply, I realize that when I try to think about or re-experience one feeling, another jumps in and tries to muscle the first one out of place. Or when trying to think of the effect a specific memory had, my mind throws a lot of other memories at me instead. So despite believing there is a cohesive narrative there, it's very possible there is not. 

Ugh. Probably it was a foolish thing to do, but I deliberately triggered myself with music last night (well, I was already in a bad way so...I thought I would try to re-feel and process one set of  memories since I was going to be triggered anyway). Well, it was awful, as any of you can imagine, but it did produce one realization. Thinking about the underlying meaning of the event - say, if this were a novel, there would be some meaning to it, not just "stuff that happened" - well, imagining there was an underlying meaning,  it suddenly came to me with a shock that there was a moment when I knew my family were utter hypocrites. I just hadn't fully processed it or understood it (I was only 10, after all), but instead just buried it for years. The reality hit me with a thud. Probably I had smoke coming from my ears as my brain cells shorted out, so I hear you, Schrodinger's Cat!

There are a few other things that may be underlying meanings that I drew from the original traumas: that a woman is never safe, that a child is never safe, that adults cannot be trusted, that adults will not help you, that no one will come to your rescue, and that you are totally on your own. Ooh, what a fatalistic bunch of ideas, eh! And while I suspect these ideas come from that time, I have not quite linked them emotionally to the events and emotions that inspired them.

Perhaps that's what needs to be done to "confront" it?

When going through the "feeling" memories of that time, I recalled being so disturbed by the story of Bluebeard, his young wife and the forbidden key bleeding in her pocket. The image haunted me so badly (I had a book of fairy tales I was reading back then, when the incidents happened) that it's really mixed up in the other disturbed emotions of the time.
It's only the last couple of days that I made the link between the story of Bluebeard and the initial events that triggered the trauma. Anyone else might have seen it (like the "abandonment" issue my H detected in my blog post) but somehow, that too slipped right past me. Like my unconscious knew, but my conscious mind didn't understand, no matter how upsetting it was.

Perhaps all this stuff really does need to be linked together like a puzzle, or a novel, with all its underlying meaning in place.  Maybe it's too late this year, but I keep hoping to get to an emotional state where I can enjoy the autumn/winter holidays again.

Thanks for all your help, y'all. Thank you so much. 

Hi Butterfly. It's great the binaural beats are giving you some relief. I don't know how to make my own, but there are 2 particular videos on youtube that I use every night. They calm my mind enough to use creative visualization, something that's really difficult when I'm under stress. (Creative visualization sometimes helps my mental state more than meditation alone. )
 

all I can say is 

It the practical sense, I mean. It may be a dumb question, but the answer is proving elusive.

So many times we're told we must confront trauma in order to heal, which makes sense if we are avoiding it. But with the waves of EF's, intrusive memories and constant triggers, how many of us are truly avoiding? The trauma, the memories and the emotions of the trauma seem to be with us all the time. In my case, at least, there's no hiding from them.

Right now my cold weather/December EF's are giving me a tough time. I know why I have these flashbacks, I do remember the troubling details all too well, and re-experience the emotions of it again and again. Is there something else that goes into confronting  it? This seems a bit like the shame issue for me, in which I felt I was missing something (I was - Sandals unearthed it by mentioning innocence and the tendency to blame the child-self, which I had been unconsciously doing). Is there something else one is meant to find out when confronting trauma? Some underlying meaning that has to be absorbed?

This comes to mind because I've discovered that I can either write about the bare, factual details of what happened, or write about how it felt - but not at the same time. Trying to write about both causes a massive freeze response. I can talk about both at the same time, but putting it in writing is something else. So, I wrote a blog post that skipped the details and just talked about the feelings, or other things that were related to the feelings. It may have not made a lot of sense, but it was fairly cathartic. One of my blog followers was understanding, but commented again that I needed to confront the trauma. A Google search on the subject turned up things like acceptance of the traumatic events. This is confusing, as I've been accepting the impact of these events for 30 years now, only to get whacked again every December without feeling a bit stronger. 

My husband (who's heard the details more often than he'd like) read the post. I thought maybe he could see something in it that I couldn't (perhaps coming from the unknown self we talked about in the shame thread) and he said that the underlying feeling he got was a profound sense of  abandonment, backed up by the descriptions of isolated landscapes, ghost towns and abandoned houses that were part of the story. I hadn't actually meant to address abandonment in the post, and never really linked the traumatic events to feeling abandoned, but there it is.
The unknown self seems to be broadcasting "abandonment" loud and clear, so that's one thing.

Is there more to it? What else can be done to confront it successfully?

Thank you for the information, Sandals, and your help. I'd never heard of the Johari Window before. It makes sense that moving things from the unknown to the known would be helpful. To make these things conscious and come to some sort of acceptance. It is hard, isn't it. 
Not only the emotional pain that belongs to us, but the toxic shame that shouldn't have.

I thought about this a lot today and there was a lot of pushback from (what I suspect was) my inner critic. Became quite exhausted and fell asleep. Woke up still exhausted. So much of the shame, fear and anxiety are tied together. This constant feeling of "Something bad is going to happen, and I deserve it cos I'm a bad person". That's been the thought pattern underlying my life the last 40 years and I'm sooo tired of it. The idea that it's unfixable, some intrinsic trait of "badness", but it's not, I know in my heart where it came from and that it must be fixable - this can't be what life was meant to be - not when the actual abuser is dancing about, cheerful and worry-free.  I'm carrying the burden instead, and that can't be right! Not for any of us.

I'm going to think about the the made-up beliefs. It may be a little difficult because they might be masquerading as truth at the moment. Thanks again for your help and compassion.

Badmemories - I believe you are correct about the predators. A good T can also see those qualities, and more. Had an excellent T once who could pull out hidden meanings that I never could have seen until afterward - then it was obvious. But on my own, I was blind to it. I think it requires a high amount of empathy as well as good training. 

Hi lijygr,

The first thing I want to ask is, do you have a therapist? 'Cos if your partner is that unsupportive and demanding, it's going to be re-triggering your trauma all the time, in a place where you should be able to feel safe and get some relief. You need a safe environment, and a therapist would be a good place to start, if you don't have one already.

I hope this forum will help you begin healing.

Rain, Sandals - thanks for your insight. I thought about it and realized that I did blame the child I once was. Blamed her quite harshly, in fact. It brought up some strong feelings of guilt for betraying my own inner child like that, as well as some anger at her still for not having been a better kid, or handling things in a more mature way. But as sandals said, we were innocent - how could any of us even known how to handle these things? We only knew what we were taught back then. So that will need to be worked through. I had never realized these underlying feelings before, so at least it's conscious now.
Thanks for that. 

I thought also of my cousin, whose situation was far worse than mine (abusive mother and violent psychopath step-father) and the way she handled these things. She became so sweet. A caretaker, even as a child. She developed this sweetness as a defense, I suppose. She wasn't manipulative, but it must have a defense to appease the abusers. But me, I didn't become sweet - I became withdrawn and taciturn, wanted to be left alone to shut out my FOO's constant invasiveness. So, not a pleasant or fun child to be around at family gatherings. Tonight I realized I resented my child-self for not becoming more sweet and agreeable, like cousin did.

When I got older though, I became excessively sweet and eager to please. That may have been even worse for my mental health than being withdrawn and taciturn, actually.

Keepfighting - I can understand how it might seem that way re: shame vs trauma, and you do make good points. But it really is my cringing humiliation, "not good enough" feelings and self-loathing I will talk about, as well as bad behavior that's plain embarrassing. I'll talk about the trauma as well, though, like you, not as much as I used to. It likely had something to do with being raised as a scapegoat - I was supposed to wear my humiliation and worthlessness on my sleeve. It was the only thing that would possibly keep mother's attacks at bay for a while. Don't let NMom catch you having any self-esteem! Naturally, this trait led to some very unpleasant things happening as a teen and young adult - a young woman who is open about her self-loathing and shame is a target for predators.

It was only after suffering some of these nasty things and reaching a breaking point that I began to be more careful about with whom I shared these things, so really, technically, I won't share it with "everybody". But, it is something that's difficult to hide. I really just became more adept at shutting people out.

Thanks a lot for your input, Keepfighting. 

[take it out on someone]

Thanks Rain. 

I'm understanding a bit about not wanting to be seen (though I seem to take this literally and hide myself away!) My shame is so raw, so on the surface it's hard to deal with anyone laying eyes on me! But I have a terrible time trying to put on a facade or to hide my feelings. Everything shows in my face and posture, there's no point in hiding it...

Just wanting to clarify: are you saying that breaking the denial is recognizing that some of this shame should not have belonged to me? I realized not long ago that I have a great deal of "carried" shame, that is, shame that should have belonged to my FOO that was projected on to me. Or rather, into me. Of course, knowing that and feeling the truth of it are worlds apart. 

At this point in time, all this shame feels as if it should be my own. That trying to send it away or give it back to my mother (who is about as shameless as they come) is just trying to remove the blame from myself and not taking responsibility.

Though taking all this "responsibility" has not done a bit of good and just leaves me in panic/freeze mode and unable to help myself or anyone else. Sigh.

Does anyone else's shame seem detached from actual events? For example, if you ask yourself what's causing the feelings of shame, you can't find a reason, or any event that may link back to it? My shame feels free-floating...often like my anxiety does. I suspect this resides in the Inner Child, who didn't have the cognitive ability to figure out what was going on, not the adult self who can figure it out.
...
Well, I was about to close there, but something else springs to mind - maybe it's important.
During the worst of anxiety attacks, I'd try to think of the reason for the fear. All that would come to mind was "I'm afraid of the truth!" I'd feel that when I leaned the "truth" I'd break into a thousand pieces. This was puzzling, as I rarely shy away from the negative qualities in myself, my failures and humiliations.  And what other "truth" would be so terrifying? The feeling did seem to relate to shame. It wasn't until last year that my husband pointed out something that was incredibly obvious to anyone else but never occurred to me...

With my mother, a person is always going to be "in trouble" for something. There is going to be a rage, and it's going to be terrible. You know it's coming, but you don't know why and don't know when. Only when the outburst comes does the victim know what they did. So it's like waiting to find out what you did wrong. Waiting for the "truth". When it happened to me I'd be in despair, and think "if only I hadn't done this or that" that made her so angry. Sometimes the "this or that" was so vague or small that it would be nonsensical, but the guilt and shame overwhelmed anyway.

Okay, what my husband pointed out, after a few months of being around her, was that my mother wasn't actually angry about the thing she raged over. She was already angry, and was looking to take it out on someone. So she'll fix on any random thing to explode about. Hence why something as simple as someone moving a pan or making a sandwich might cause her to erupt with volcanic fury. And all the while I'm crying, thinking, "if only I hadn't moved that pan 2 inches, this wouldn't have happened. Why do I always do the wrong thing?" H said that there was no way to do the right thing, because NMom was just looking for something to rage about. There was no "truth" about what I'd done, it was NMom making up a reason to justify abuse!

Despite allegedly having a high IQ, this common form of human behavior completely escaped me. I probably would have never realized it if H hadn't pointed it out.  Anyway, I do believe this is the basis for my GAD, and probably a part of my shame, too. And if this is the case, it is likely carried around by the Inner Child. I know my adult self should offer her some protection, but I'm not sure how to do that yet. My adult self is feeling pretty fragile at the moment.

Here is the link to Esme Weijun-Wang's main website
http://www.esmewang.com/
And the blog:
http://www.esmewang.com/chronicles/

Make sure you scroll down to see the text. She's all about leaving your legacy in the world, so I think it might be very helpful.

Hi voicelessagony2,

I wish I had advice for you, but I could have written your post myself. It is hard to be stuck in such a position, isn't it.

My own confusion/distress about work came directly from my mother, for very specific reasons, so I don't know if they will apply to anyone else. Mother was anti-education (she was not educated, so she was going to make sure none of her kids were either - she didn't want us getting educated and too "big-headed" and "getting above ourselves" :eyeroll: She also thinks that work is the one quality that makes a good person, so (because she has NPD) she made sure that her less-favored children were constantly derailed in their work. She needed to be the only one who could do real work. When I had jobs that I liked or that paid decently, she would go behind my back to try to get me fired. She will even go so far as to insist that people she doesn't like are unemployed, when they've actually been working for years. I don't know if she realizes she's lying, or if it's actually a delusion on her part. Whatever the case, the idea of other people working is very threatening to her, and it impacted my life drastically.

I gave up having a proper job after marriage, even though I'd longed to have a career (though heaven only knows in what). Having a job while trying to raise children while dealing with PTSD and depression is far beyond my ability to handle these days.  That doesn't mean I don't wish it were possible.

They say you should follow your passion, but that's tough if you've never discovered your passion.
A hint may be something I heard Chris Rock say once: "when you have a career, there aren't enough hours in the day; when you have a job, you've got nothing but time." Meaning that a career is something you're so involved and excited about what you do, there isn't enough time to fit it all in. A job that you dislike, you watch the clock as the minutes tick by, agonizingly slow.
Maybe if you can think of what you can pursue with enjoyment, without watching the clock, that's a clue to your passion.

You may want to check out a website by a writer/editor named Esme Weijun-Wang. She has a blog on her website about having a career while also having a mental illness.(She has schizotypal disorder and has been hospitalized multiple times) There are lots of interviews with other women who have various mental illnesses and how they manage. It's full of great tips. Until I read her website, I always thought that having a career while having mental health issues was impossible (this was what I had always been told, I was "too crazy to ever have a real job") so I was amazed and inspired to see this.

I don't have the link to her website right now, but I'll post it as soon as I can.

My aunt and another friend use kava-kava for their anxiety, and it works well for them. I tried it and it made me feel weird, so YMMV.

There is a Japanese tea called matcha (the powdered kind that's used in tea ceremonies) that brings on a very pure and soothing feeling. Warning, though - it's bitter and is pretty much an instant detoxifier - so mix it too strong and it will hit you like a ton of bricks! But you'll feel extremely peaceful afterward, lol.

Normally I don't use herbal remedies that much, but I do use supplements, like coQ10 and Sam-e, which are helpful for my depression and anxiety. Something entirely drug-free that's helped a lot are binaural beats. These are sounds that are meant to entrain brainwaves, and there are tons of them on youtube. The theta wave and gamma wave beats bring on an amazing feeling of peace and relaxation (at least for me).

I don't know if this is a "symptom" or even what category it would fall under. I'm taking a chance and posting in this forum and hoping it's correct.

EFT has helped a lot of people, and I have tried it quite a few times over the years, with little success. The problem is, the sessions always begin with something like "even though (fill in the blank), I completely love and accept myself."

I just can't get past this. It's actually triggering to me. It feels as if "loving and accepting" myself is the worst thing I could ever do, a betrayal and a sin worse even than murder. Indeed, since I was a little girl, I always had a strong feeling that I had done something worse than murder, but had no clue as to what that could be.

*trigger warning*
It may be pertinent here to mention that when I was older (late teens through early 20's), my mother would frequently rage at me that I was a murderer, "worse than any criminal in any jail", that I deserved to be executed for what I'd done, and that I had committed crimes against humanity. The things I'd done were not always clear, but when they were, they ranged from going to visit my cousin to getting raped, so...logically, there was nothing there that seemed akin to murder (at least to my mind). If I begged her to tell me what I'd done, she'd just say "you know what you did" so no clarification was forthcoming. But as I said, this is when I was older, and if she said these things to me as a child, I don't remember it.

Whatever the case, the feelings have been there since childhood, and the phrase "I completely love and accept myself" really triggers some harsh feelings, even deep anger at myself.
Once I even tried to reason with the feelings, saying "well, if I can't be on my own side, who will be?" and that triggered more anger at myself for even considering betraying this mysterious...law? Force? Command? I don't even know what it is that I feel would be betrayed.

But obviously it's holding me back from recovery in a big way. If anyone has any idea what's going on here, I'd be grateful for your input.

If I can ask a question...

I've read so much about denying shame, avoiding shame, etc. and how many problems come of it. But I can't seem to understand. I live with my shame daily, it swallows me up in waves. I can't avoid it. Guilt, too, and a feeling of dread at being "in trouble" for reasons I don't understand and can't predict. I would even say it's crippling. There are a lot of ordinary things I am afraid to do because the waves of shame and guilt flatten me. I can't even leave the house most days.

So, I don't feel I'm denying my shame - it's with me at every moment. Distracting myself or avoiding it is not really an option, since it won't let me go anyway. Talking about it is no problem for me, I'll discuss my shame with anyone - after all, it's the dominant part of who I am. (Not that talking about it brings relief in any way.)

So as much as I enjoy Brene Brown's talks, and I do understand what she's saying....I just can't figure out how it would apply to me. John Bradshaw as well, and pretty much anything else I've read about shame. I'm not in denial or avoiding, but it doesn't help me deal with the pain of it.

I feel like I'm missing something that everyone else seems to understand?

Even though I've been drawing since I could hold a crayon, I have no idea how to "express my feelings" though art. This is something that's mentioned a lot, but it's just puzzling how it's done.
Even other artists just shrug when asked, as if it's something so obvious, you just do it, no problem! Even Googled this question, but there was no clear answer.

Only when looking through old sketch books do I see patterns emerging that seem to have some private emotional meaning, though I did not see it at the time. For instance, there was one page of assorted scribbles all done at different times. One sketch was a field. Another was a girl running. Because I often write down words that pop into my head while sketching, I had also written the word "peligro"(Spanish for "danger") three times on the drawing. This was all done absent-mindedly, as practice. It wasn't until months later when looking at the page that I saw that all three things had combined to make a picture of a girl running through an empty field, with the words indicating danger trailing behind her like an echo. It was a bit eerie to see that.

But these things only happen by accident. If I were to announce "I shall now express my feelings with art!" I will guarantee that nothing of interest would emerge. It can't be that hard, can it?