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No, Raine, that is a totally good point. I think at the time it just clicked with me and justified that my feelings were to be mine to had. Feeling numb or dissociative is the worst though. Not feeling connected to your body or self just sometimes feels like a flashback to me. I used to feel that way so much that now when I feel numb it just feels like some horrible flashback. It is retraumatizing!

Lovely, to add a bit more ...and to NOT take away from what your professor said, but I do not think it is entirely true his phrase.

When pain is so overwhelming, we block it.   We go numb.  We do not "feel it" then.   So, to feel nothing ...be numb ...is to not know ones worst pain.

I think one of the things that I found so terrible was not being believed or others not validating my reality. It sometimes feels that it can be more traumatic to not be believed. I totally agree with not believing in comparisons. Everyone is not only different, but your worst pain is your worst pain. No point in comparing realities. You're not on a soap box, you're at a table with others who are listening

I was curious if anyone ever faced these same feelings at any point? Or if you just always knew that you were being maltreated or that your feelings were justified.

I think everything is relative to what our normal is.  As a child, our parents presented and dictated what our normal would be.  Since I was restricted to them I didn't see 'other' options.  I did see others having a 'better' situation and wished 'better' for myself but that was their life and mine was mine (my normal). I guess you would say I didn't know options.

Within my own 'normal' I experienced just what you are saying and carried it into adulthood.  I saw my mom and my sister abused, felt so bad for them both but had not even considered that I too was living side by side with them in the same situation.  What happened to me was 'nothing' compared to what I know happened to them. 

In my early 20s I was asked to go to my sisters counseling session.  My sister was struggling and we were told that she was molested a lot by our father, that she hated me because it was her and not me and somewhere in the conversation I was asked if it ever happened to me.  I did not want to admit anything, felt so bad for my sister, minimized it to "...one time he tried but it was nothing like what she went through".  That was the first and last time we talked about it until I ended up in counseling (50 years after a event, and having the VF of it).  As I told my counselor, to even talk about what happened to me in my sister's counseling session would have been like going to see my sister in the hospital having just come out of heart surgery and me walking in and displaying my bandaid of a wound when hers was so much worse.   


I believe because of that I completely dismissed my own experience like you did.  I can see that now.  That is why I don't like comparisons about what brought us to CPTSD.  No matter the cause, the injury and effects are just as harmful and should never be minimized.  My heart hurts when I hear people minimize their own experience.

Let me jump off  of the soap box.  sorry....just wanted to say...ohhhhhhhhh how I relate to what you describe.   

The Emotionally Absent Mother book sounds really interesting. Someone told me about the Pete Walker book on another forum on this site I think. Thanks for sharing.

My Mom was always about her "image" too. She would always saying, "It's better to look good than to feel good!" which I know is from a movie, and I think the movie has it, "It's better to feel good than look good."

I look back now and know that my experience, feelings, and emotions are all my truth and don't need to be justified by anyone. When speaking with my friend, it was something I hadn't thought about in years. When I was in college I had a professor say to me, "Anyone's most terrible pain is their most terrible pain. Whether it's as extreme as abuse or breaking a leg, that person only knows their worst pain." That has always stuck with me and has been a mantra.

I think lately for me it's not flashback that have been coming into my conscious, but just my childhood thoughts and views of what was going on at the time. I think over the years I spent years in therapy doing exposure, that I didn't ever have the space to consider my actual thoughts of feelings back then of what was going on at the time. It's at points enlightening, and at points saddening.

I'm glad I have the opportunity to talk to other people who understand . Thanks for sharing.

How I relate, Lovely!


The Cori Emotionally Absent Mother book cleared up the mystery fully for me, and Pete Walker's book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book clears it up also that this abuse happened in our earliest years even before most of us remember.

The DSM is such a terrible book. The research in parts isn't valid, it pathologizes normal feelings and behavior. The National Institute on Mental Health no longer backs it. Also, some insurances are allowing therapists to not put down a DSM diagnosis for treatment because unfortunately, things aren't abnormal when they effect so many people. Here's the link:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/side-effects/201305/the-nimh-withdraws-support-dsm-5

I met up with a friend from high school the other day, and we were talking about how we didn't understand that we were being abused as children. Both of us come from comfortable middle class families. We talked about how when we were in high school, even though we felt our parents were saying or doing things that were abusive, we could not see ourselves as victims because our basic needs were being met (food, clothing, shelter, etc.). I remember often thinking to myself when i was a teenager that what I was going through wasn't abuse because there was someone worse off than I was.

I was curious if anyone ever faced these same feelings at any point? Or if you just always knew that you were being maltreated or that your feelings were justified.

I actually joined out of the fog first and they redirected me over here! I did read Medium Chill and it really reinforced some of the things I have been trying to do and gave some good ideas for how to respond. Thank you

Thanks . I love reading so I will check it out!

oh my, oh my ...

...let me pick my jaw off the floor.    She TAUGHT at a psych hospital.

Well, you do not need me to tell you what you went through was awful, alovelycreature.

Welcome to the forum ...that I can say, and I'm glad you are here!!   

Please do read the Member Guidelines, etc.   I look forward to your posts, and sharing the Journey.

Have you read Pete Walker's CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book?  It is one many of us here use as a roadmap.   His web site is also excellent www.pete-walker.com

I'm sad for what you've gone through.

Grace and Healing in your Journey to a new way of being,
Rain

Thanks . I love reading so I will check it out!

oh my, oh my ...

...let me pick my jaw off the floor.    She TAUGHT at a psych hospital.

Well, you do not need me to tell you what you went through was awful, alovelycreature.

Welcome to the forum ...that I can say, and I'm glad you are here!!   

Please do read the Member Guidelines, etc.   I look forward to your posts, and sharing the Journey.

Have you read Pete Walker's CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving book?  It is one many of us here use as a roadmap.   His web site is also excellent www.pete-walker.com

I'm sad for what you've gone through.

Grace and Healing in your Journey to a new way of being,
Rain

Hi all. I decided to join this forum because I have found it helpful to connect with others who have C-PTSD.

My family situation was chaotic as a child. I come from a big family and although my Mom was the one causing most of my abuse, I still had many family members who were substance abusers and there is a hx of sexual abuse in my family. My Mom has never been diagnosed with anything. She's an alcoholic, a liar, a manipulator. Scapegoating, gas lighting, isolation, were a large part of my childhood. My Mom tried to convince I was schizophrenic (I am not) and she still tries to treat me as if I'm delusional about the abuse I suffered. I was the scapegoat for every family holiday or event that didn't go as planned. My Mom would get drunk and be angry and mean. She was also physically abusive. She at one point was a teacher in a psych hospital and whenever I was angry, sad, or upset she would hold me in this death grip until I would stop fighting her. She would pin me down and have my siblings tickle me until I couldn't breath. I was always on diets, and my Mom once wanted to take me to the doctor to see if they could make me grow taller. My Dad is a drug addict, and the only one in my family who believed my Mom was abusing me until my step-dad started being abused. My Mom has held him at gun point and is frequently violent with him.

I have always wanted to completely cut off my relationship with her, but I am very close with my step-dad and my siblings (who she didn't abuse in quite the same way). She has really brainwashed my siblings. I am the oldest, and when I was in college they refused to talk to me for long periods of time because my Mom told them I was stealing their child support money from my Dad. Obviously not true, and I don't know how that would be possible. So if I want to spend time with other family members, its a necessary evil to deal with her. However, if things get out of hand I leave. When uncomfortable conversations arise I refuse to talk at all, and it usually stops. I have figured out some tools for my box, but I am interested in learning other ways to deal with it.

Look forward to chatting with you all