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Hey Cat. No that's a good idea. Things can have slowly gotten better over the years, and they will continue to do so . As Rain has said before, two steps forward, one step back! I will head over to OOTF and see what other people have done. In the past when I have cut off ties, my Mom has lied to my entire family so no one will talk to me. However, I feel I'm at a point where I need to cut off ties so the real critic will stop making my inner one so loud!

Pissed about being gaslighted.

So, on New Years I was supposed to go out with my M, sister, and some family friends to grab lunch. I was looking forward to this and spending time with my sister. When I asked when we're going, the response was, "We'll call you when we get up!" which makes sense after New Year's Eve.

So my M calls me and tells me to be at the restaurant they are going to in a half hour. The restaurant alone is over a half hour from me, and I literally just woke up. I told my M I wasn't going to go unless they were going to wait for me. Long story short, they weren't going to wait, so I wasn't going to go. Instead of letting it go, my M kept asking me things like, "Can't you just hurry up?" It was just bizarre and I don't know how many different situations you can come up with for me to say "no" to.

I was really upset because my M has done this to me a ton of times. She'll make plans with family friends or our family, and then invite me as they're walking out the door, or tell me the time we're meeting when she knows it will be impossible for me me to show up. I know the simple solution to this is to not make plans with her, or in group situations go to someone else to ask what is going on. I know I am going to do this next time.

However, when I got of the phone I was so incredibly mad. One of my good friends this week did something * to me, and I was already feeling overwhelmingly rejected. It was so hard not to add it to my inner/outer critic. My IC was like, Well, you're annoying they don't want you there. They did this on purpose because they didn't want you there. They just invited you because they feel bad for you. And then the thought occurred to me that this is what my M probably wanted me to be doing, so I decided to do this. I sent her a text.

Me: "Thanks for inviting me out and then telling me 30 minutes before your "date" that you're going and telling me to hurry up. Makes no sense. Next time treat me as you would treat a friend or don't invite me."

Mom: "You are being silly. Have some fun. We'll wait for you."

Me: "No, I'm tired of being gaslighted. Bye."

I knew the entire time she was telling everyone else I was acting "crazy." I just knew it. She does this. Put's me in a situation where I get upset about how I'm being treated, then she tells everyone I'm acting crazy.

So last night there was another family friend gathering because of someone's birthday so I wanted to be there. We went out and it was fine. I acted as if nothing strange had happened. I like to believe that these people know I don't act the way my M leads on since when I have issues with them I am direct and forgiving.

The girl's birthday it was is a friend of mine from elementary school. We weren't really friends in middle or high school, but started reconnecting. She has some serious mental health issues so I try to keep her at an arms length because sometimes I just can't handle it. Last night I could tell she was having a terrible birthday. We didn't go to eat where she wanted, she didn't get any gifts she wanted, and everyone was kind of being rude to her. I just felt sad and achy about the whole thing. It just looked like she was going to cry. She asked if she could come over later, and I told her of course.

She vented to me. Her M (who is my M's best friend) was gaslighting her all day. On her damn birthday. She was crying and her feelings were real and legitimate. I even asked her if she felt like her M intentionally did things like this to make her "act crazy." I don't think the thought had ever crossed her mind before.

After that she told me about the lunch I missed. She told me the entire time my M was telling everyone how crazy I was and completely lied about why I didn't come. She just made it sound like I was some lunatic or something. This family friend was like, "Yeah, your M really is crazy," which is the response I normally get after my M gets caught in one of her manipulative lies.

I didn't ask my friend what my M said about me. It just hurt so bad. I mean, I just want to be treated with respect and in a loving, kind manor. I just want to get along. When I have differences with someone, or a problem, I am known for letting it go and moving on (or no longer associating with that person if need be).

It was also hard to hear what my friend was saying last night because it just touched me in a way that I completely understood. It was like words I had years ago that I have grown past. I just feel like my family doesn't listen to me or take the time to understand me. I tell them what I like, what I want to do, when I'm upset, but it's like they just don't care. Every time I try to show off my cooking skills to my D he always insults me. I'm never good enough.

I guess this bad situation turned into a place of connection. It was keeping me up last night, and I woke up super early this morning. It made me think I really do just want to cut off things completely with my M. If my M was my friend, she wouldn't be my friend right now. She'd be like the worst friend ever!

I always think about cutting her off, and I have in the past, but I always come back for holidays or some other thing. I don't know if anyone has any thoughts on this at all.

Thanks for all the kind words. My car is in the shop and they are actually taking some of the cost off my deductible if I chose to not fix cosmetic damage (scratches in hub cap, etc.). So, for a bad situation I'm making out pretty well. Still feeling dissociative here and there. Just can't wait till I get my car back and get into the normal swing.

Little crazy with the holidays! I will also be taking an exam for my job in a few months so I will be studying. I'll be here on and off. Just wanted to say something incase I get busy

Thanks for sharing! Definitely sounds like my uNPDm.

I have my own personal inner turmoil where I want to practice more compassion toward others while deep inside I think most people are a holes. I catch myself being critical vs accepting way too often. I know part of it is a defense mechanism and part is learned behavior from a hypercritical mother. Sometimes I hear things spew from me as I point the flaws of others to my spouse and I cringe. That is what I see as the outer critic. A NY resolution. - send that creature packing. I silenced my inner critic years ago. Now I turn it outward. I think Walker states this as a possible progression. Outer takes over as inner remisses.

I understand where you're coming from. I feel like practicing compassion towards others has helped me be more compassionate towards myself, and vice versa. I still have judgmental moments, but try to challenge them. There are certain personality types that are big triggers for me to put people into my a-hole category. I think for me thinking about "why" I don't like the other person has helped me navigate my feelings. Some people I don't like because they are not good people or disrespect my boundaries, and some people I don't like because of a personality conflict. I don't blame anyone. We're just different and don't particularly get along. I think this has been helpful from fawning too.

Often I have to say, "This person is triggering me because of they're overly touchy (or whatever). I am bothered by this and others may not be. They're just not someone I want to spend time with and that's okay. I have the right to tell them not to touch me if I so chose."

I grew up with my grandma who was excellent dealing with jerks. If someone would flip her off driving or treat her poorly at the grocery store, she would make comments like, "Oh, they must be in a rush," or, "They must not be having a good day." I will sometimes say these things out loud in the car!

It's all a matter of practice I guess. I was reading something recently about how you view yourself is how you view others, because how we relate to others is how we relate to ourselves. If we are kind, accepting, and tolerant of ourselves, then in theory we would be of others because we have an understanding of these things. I don't know if I stated that clearly--hope it makes sense.

As usual, excuse my cursing.
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So, the past could days have been * horrible. On the way to Tawas on Christmas Eve partner spun out on highway on the ice and my car is * up. I've been so dissociative that I feel like I can't even feel my fingers typing on the key board. My brain isn't working at all. I feel like I have a headache. I've been completely dissociative for the past 2 days now. I feel like I'm in tunnel vision. I feel like I just want to sleep forever and not wake up. I feel like I'm in a horrible dream.

It even felt like a horrible dream this morning. I always have nightmares about my phone not working when I'm in need of help. My phone wouldn't work this morning when I went to call Geico so I had to restart my phone. It was like, this is a total nightmare. It's like my nightmares but real life.

I've been super pissed at partner. This is the 3rd time he's spun out in a car in the winter. He drives too fast when it's bad weather. He thinks he's a great driver and has everything under control and he doesn't. The entire drive up I wanted to say "slow down." but he thinks it's annoying when I tell him how to drive. It being Christmas Eve and all I decided to lay off and not say anything. I wish I did now. The entire time I was like, "Just let him drive." I should have just told him to slow the * down.

The worst part is I am paying for it. If this were partner's car, and I did this, I would offer to pay for the whole thing. Andy just said to me on Eve that he would, "Help me pay for it." What the * does that mean? So, I have to pay for 2 new tires, my deductible, god knows what's wrong with my goddamned car. The entire side of it is smashed because we hit a sign.

Not to mention, being stuck at my parents house does not help at all. It is never quiet for 5 minutes. Either the TV is blaring or the music is blaring and no one is even paying attention. It's noise for the sake of noise.  I went last night to lay down and "be quiet" and no one could even let me do that. I was lying in bed still hearing the loudness of everyone talking and the Christmas music. My Mom came in and was like, "Come lay on the couch," and I was just like I want to be quiet. However, if I didn't get up I would be a * * and trying to ruin everyone's Christmas.

It's maddening because yeah everyone knows what happened sucked. However no one understands that I'm completely dissociative, can't feel my body, can't think clearly, I can't even describe how horrible it feels and how much I just want it to stop. Hugs won't help. Trying to lay down and "feel," deep breath, no tricks of the trade will help. I haven't told anyone. Of course I wouldn't tell my family. I also feel like there is no point in telling partner because he doesn't know what that means anyways and I really don't even want him near me right now I'm so enraged.

Last night for the few minutes I did have to myself. I am so angry, then dissociative. I was trying to feel my anger. I could only imagine a little child drawing on the picture of a lung inside of a person with a black marker that's dried out. Just scribbling madly in the chest. My shoulders and my chest just feel on fire. My legs and arms just feel completely numb. Step dad keeps the temperature at like 64 and I'm * freezing. I can't be comfortable at all. I * haven't showered in two days I have no clothes, and I'm stuck 4 hours away from home.

I * just feel like the normal scapegoat * of Christmas. It's like my bad attitude and feelings are dragging everyone else down. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to converse with anyone. I don't really want to be around anyone period. I honestly just wish I were dead because I don't like feeling like this. I don't like dealing with anything. I feel like I can't. I've been so depressed since I stopped my birth control, I've been having incredibly frustrating sexual dysfunction due to stress. Dealing with family is stressful to begin with. My step dad on Christmas was catastrophizing our accident. What if more is wrong than just the tires? What if they can't just put new tires on the car at the shop? Then we * deal with it then!

Deep breathing isn't working. Nothing is working. I am so angry at my partner. So * angry. Part of me wants him to feel more horrible about what he did. I want him to pay for everything. If he just would be responsible for his actions and pay for all the damage, I would feel a million times better. I have no * money. I've already dipped thousands into my savings this year before . With the dog having stitches and other vet visits, cousins wedding. I've wasted so much money. So much. I'm a hair away from living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm feeling like all my horrible life decisions have lead up to now. Having no money. Dating someone who has no money. What if I never moved back home after college. What if what if. it isn't even real. I want someone to put me to sleep until all of this horrible * is over. I don't even want to know how much of work I'm going to have to miss. More money down the drain. My family keeps trying to be nice and make me feel better and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be here and I'm stuck here. * everything. Seriously.

That does sound scary! I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's hard when family pressures you, but your gut instinct is there to protect you for a reason. If it does not feel safe or scary to have a relationship with your sister, then don't. There was another board started about setting boundaries, but maybe you need to set a boundary with your Mother. Even if it is just, "I don't want to have a relationship with (sister), right now. Maybe in the future I will feel differently. However, right now that isn't an option and I don't want to discuss it anymore." I don't know your M, but that is something I would say to mine. Usually when I stick up for myself I am either respected or abraded. Sounds like you've found a place where you feel safe and comfortable, if you don't want to take the risk of a step backward, then don't. 

I feel like when I make most of my artwork I have no idea what it means. I'm just doing what feels right. I think that is why this project was difficult too, because I was making something intentionally instead of just letting it flow. It is a completely different process! However, interesting to see what happens.

Rain, I look forward to escaping to my new self! Haha. I think I will look at it that way. 

Thanks everyone. I decided to post the letter here first because of my contradictory feelings. Your words of wisdom and support are the best answers I could have asked for.

Bluevermonster: Thanks for sharing your story. My partner at the time hated my T too and kept trying to get me to leave. He doesn't like therapy in general so I thought he was biased. However, he was right. Yes, I probably don't want an answer. I have just been angry about a lot of things lately and will be using these letters to vent.

Yes, Rain. I think it will just cause more drama. If I decide to send to send something in the future, I think I will mail it with no return address or anything. All my information has changed since I was a patient of hers.

I do a lot of letter writing, however being able to share it really helps. Sometimes you get too into your head and need others to pull you out. 

Thanks KF. I agree with what you said. Thanks for sending me that link. She probably is a narcissist. I'm sure it is easy to pray on trauma victims because of their willingness to submit due to desperation. I'm glad I got out of there. I think I need to do some more reading about narcs. Some books have been suggested to me. What a captivating web they weave.

I felt it would be a good thing for me to express anger at an old T I had who originally diagnosed me with CPTSD. Things ended badly. This felt like a safe place to express my anger. Please excuse my colorful language. I don't know if I'll send this or not. I want to, but I have anxiety about doing so also. I almost feel like this could be practice for writing a letter to my uNPD (possibly undiagnosed CPTSD) Mom. I have been wanting to get mad at her so much lately, but I don't feel like I'm ready to say anything to her yet.

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T,

   Over the past few years, I have wanted to write you angry emails about how I felt betrayed by you.  I never did because I didn't want to open a door I had closed.

   During some of our last sessions together, it had to do with my relationship with my partner, and I didn't want to talk about it or explore it. Yet, it was something you were pushing me to explore. I felt tired of saying (in whatever way I did at the time, from my memory) that I didn't want to talk about it, and wanted a break from it. So, I thought the best thing for me to do was leave therapy for a while and cool off.

   However, I felt lambasted about my actions from you. I received countless voicemails and emails about our next session. At the time, I felt completely victimized. I was like, "Is my therapist a complete psycho? This is my time and she is supposed to be my ally, not my mother." I really did feel like I was trapped. I felt like you were being my Mom. Like, not matter how much I told you, "Leave me alone," you didn't and weren't planning on it.

   I don't know if this is how you wanted me to feel. I don't know if you wanted me to get angry with you. I think back to that time in your office when you were trying to get me to yell, "* you," and I just couldn't. I really couldn't. I really just wasn't ready.  At the same time, I felt I couldn't stand up to you or challenge you. I did feel domineered in our relationship. I felt like between you, my partner, and my Mom that I was trapped by people who just wanted to control me. Everyone just wanted me to live my life on their terms and not mine.

   I really felt betrayed by you. I still do. I think to myself, "Yes, I understand that point in my life where I was at and I probably needed to be angry, but I wasn't ready. Why was someone trying to force me through the grief process?" I mean, being able to be angry is part of grief and in therapy I understand the importance of it, but I wasn't ready. I didn't feel like you really understood me. I don't know if there was some weird countertransference going on or what. I don't know if I triggered something in you. It really just didn't feel right.

   I just couldn't believe after that our relationship was healthy or therapeutic in any way. I thought, maybe she wants to help me, and just can't. Maybe she thinks she's helping, but she's not. Does she really understand trauma? If she did, why would she be treating me this way?

   I thought maybe I had got what I needed from you, an answer, a diagnosis. Did you know that when you told me you thought I experienced trauma that totally changed my life? At the time I felt like, "Duh, my Mom's a completely psychopath." Since I stopped therapy, I have read tons about CPTSD. Reading about CPTSD and connecting with others in an online support group has completely changed my life. I don't know where I'd be today without that simple validation of a trauma diagnosis. Or, I guess I would be on all sorts of mood stabilizers with a diagnosis of rapid cycling bi-polar from the therapist a saw after you. I would be labeled just as crazy as I really thought I was, or as my Mom wanted me to think I was. The therapy world can be very ineffective and problematic for survivors.

   The reason why I decided to write you this e-mail now is because I'm finally ready to practice "angering." I have developed some wonderful and amazing friendships, and have at least one friend I can go to about anything. I have people in my life who really accept me and love me for who I am. I have friendships where I never experience shame. I am in safe place to be angry.

   I have also wanted to ask you many questions. What the * were we doing when I was in therapy? What were you thinking? What were you trying to get me to do? What did you think I needed? Why didn't you provide me any psychoeducation on trauma? Do you even understand how to treat it, or were you just getting supervision? Was I some sort of practice? Did you think you were helping me? How come you were acting as my therapist (in an authoritative sense) and not my ally? 

   I have read lots about all the "wonderful" 12-step therapy programs (CBT, DBT, ACT, and other therapies insurance will pay for) for the treatment of just about everything from trauma to depression to personality disorders. It doesn't make any sense. I don't care what studies have been done, all that * has caused some sort of short-term awareness, but hasn't helped in the long term. Every talk therapist I've been to just thinks that I'm a wackadoodle who refuses to take medication for everything from anxiety, to depression, to bi-polar disorder. I mean, these are all misdiagnosed as trauma quite frequently.

   I see now why it was important for me to be angry. I wish I had had the courage to ask you what the * was going on. What the * we were doing. I wish I had felt the safety to ask those questions then instead of now.

   Before writing this, I would think, "What do I want to get out of sending this to T?" It was a hard question to ask. Did I want to open up communication with you again potentially? Yes and no. I know how much fear rules my life, and I feel like I have the right to break that fear and tell others how I have felt wronged by them. I mean, that's what a healthy adult would do: start a conversation (at least in my fantasy world of well adjusted adults). Or at least attempt to get some answers.

Sincerely,

Alovelycreature.

For me this was really hard to make! I usually use my creativity to vent negative painful feelings, and not positive ones. I actually started making another collage first, and it wasn't really about self-acceptance, but more about escaping. I actually still used "escape" (without realizing it at the time) to do the self-acceptance collage. I guess my collage is about being in two worlds at once. One of the critic, and one where I want to be. I tried to write positive characteristics that others have said because my critic the entire time was like, "Oh how about that time you weren't helpful? Or that time you weren't humble?" Or even just judging what I made because collage work has always seemed challenging to me! Okay, time to go tell my critic who is boss 

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I love when there is some sort of scientific evidence that shows these things. It reminds me of Dr. Brene Brown's work about connection!

Something I noticed: many Inner Critic feelings have OuterCrit implications. Like this: "No one is going to want to talk to me, I'm boring and incompetent and insignificant." That's the InCrit talking. But if I dig a little into this, I unearth the following thought: "People are only ever out to GAIN things from social contacts - like gaining enjoyment from pleasant chats, or gaining help from a give-and-take relationship of doing each other favours, or gaining self-esteem from acting the Lady Bountiful to the poor peasantry. As soon as I'm less than perfect, they'll drop me like a hot potato. They're selfish, arrogant, shallow, incapable of kindness - just like my classmates and FOO used to be." That's the Outer Critic.

TOTALLY know what you mean. I always feel myself trying to rationalize in the critics favor. It's mostly, "This person knows that I go out of my way to help others and they just want to take advantage of my kindness." Even just practicing saying, "No," to people is incredibly difficult, because they you feel like you're letting them down. This is probably my fawn talking. Sometimes I feel like people just want to know me because I'm weird, and that's somehow cool or exciting. Instead of seeing it as, "Oh this person genuinely is interested in getting to know me better based on my interests, and may be a potential friend." 

It makes it incredibly hard to have friends with this view that all people are just out to abuse. It seems the more important question is, what would make me trust this person? Maybe questioning the critic may be helpful. What would it take for me to see this person as a friend and not someone who wants to "network" or whatever. It's so hard to stop the outer critic in it's tracks because it feels safer to just submit. It's like letting all the hurt and rejection from the past win though. I see why I just rather watch Netflix and take a bath every night! This is very exhausting. Haha.