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 It's possible your local medical doctor or hospital would have information on free group support. Others have suggested websites like Meet Up for finding free gatherings for all sorts of support and even social exchanges. Perhaps there's a meet up locally on depression support where you are.

So did it work? I've read recently about using Google Inbox to get to inbox zero and I didn't think it possible but it worked. Archive or postpone emails and then inbox is zero. Either do the task required to archive the email, or if it's informational just archive it, if it's not needed just trash it and if you want to respond at a later date just postpone the email for a time you can handle it and it'll go away and who back up later. Love it!

How terribly traumatic and painful those feelings and memories must be for you. While I have no direct experience, I can say that I have some memories of fear surrounding  A particular relative and had never been quite able to put the memories clearly in mind. One thing I have learned is that sexual abuse can take many forms including overt sexual behavior or unwanted attention. Here's some information that might help make some sense of what you feel.
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/sexual-coercion
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sexual-objectification

Even if you can't get to the root cause of why you feel the way you feel, that does not change your reality of today and the troubles you face working through it. Have you spoken to your medical doctor or gynecologist about the issue?

 Oh so many of us understand hear the anxiety, the triggers, the excessive rumination. Hopefully some of the resources on the website and the support community on the forum can help provide the support you need. Have you attended the event you mentioned? How did it go?

Using alcohol and other such means to escape the pain and anxiety is common. Many of us here struggled with various addictions and still struggle at times especially when triggered. Hopefully there's a way for you to deal and heal. Do you have real life support and therapy currently?

 To me this sounds like a bit of disassociation as a coping mechanism him and escape to fantasy as a way to heal. There is a link to information on escape to fantasy but but not all the information is completely fitting in your case  because it's written from two perspectives, one is a personality disorder person doing such a thing but another perspective in the link is from a victims need to escape to fantasy as a way to cope. If you choose to review the information at the link please text her the information carefully as I am not at all suggesting a personality disorder.
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/escape-to-fantasy

Here's a few highlights that might be helpful if you don't want to review the whole link
"It's common for abuse victims to retreat into fantasies of their own, where they imagine a better, safer, more successful life for themselves. The danger comes when the abuse victim replaces reality with fantasy on a systematic basis, which can prevent them from making constructive choices or escaping abusive environments."

"What not to do-
Don't feel guilty about your own fantasies - they are a normal way to cope with stress and difficulty - they are a normal way to cope with stress and difficulty.
Don't allow fantasies – your own or someone else's - to infringe on your own safety, freedom or dignity.
Don't allow fantasies to become accepted as truth in your life.
Don't accept responsibility for another person's behavior just because they fantasize their own responsibility away.
Don't assume a person's fantasy is an accurate reflection of what they believe 100% of the time. Many fantasies are temporary mental departures from reality.

What TO do
Work on separating fact from fiction in your own life.
Writing down fantasies can help you see them more objectively.
If your fantasies are about having a better, healthier life which is free of abuse, look at how you can take actual steps to make it so.
Get regular reality checks from a good friend or therapist.

You raise the thought of angering and that topic along with verbal ventilation is something Pete Walker discusses in his book on cPTSD. Verbal ventilation is not just lashing out or venting to others, I was reading about it the other day and it's quite a helpful topic. Not sure you have the book or if there's something online on this but it is supposed to help process trauma and pain.

warm welcome flower girl and I'm so very sorry you've been through such terrible trauma. What you've been through is truly heartbreaking and I'm glad you're on a healing and peaceful path. To answer your question, yes it's common that at the point of trauma you get stuck in that emotional stage of development. I hope you find the community here supportive and the website resources beneficial for your continued journey to peace.

Welcome and it sounds like you're going through a lot and have been seeking some support and guidance for yourself.  It can be a bit of a journey until you find that as many of us here know only to well.

What you describe is a Good bit more than what an online community of fellow suffers can offer in the way of support. We can support your journey but in a crisis emergency please see this link:
http://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency/

It's good you're seeking professional assistance and please contact your therapist or medical professionals for immediate assisstance.

Indigo some things that helped with my adrenal fatigue is eliminating caffeine and alcohol completely. These only increase cortisol which a under emotional stress the body has plenty of already without adding the physical stress. Other things that can reduce physical stress are some dietary changes like eating for nutrition rather than canned, boxed and junk. Reduced my processed foods. Bananas, winter squash and sweet potatoes helped me for calming benefits.

Also reducing emotional stress has helped. Getting my boundaries in order and learning to speak up some, baby steps at first, I mean baby, little peeps of a whisper in the beginning. At the very least walking away from the drama and chaos, reducing time spent with high stress people. Making time for self care and self nurturing has helped. Curling up in a blanket if and when I need to and resting when needed.

Focused deep breathing to lower the heart rate has helped as well. Various tools, instruction and possible meditation if you google it I'm sure. I have a phone app that counts breathing until I got the hang of doing it on my own.

If can handle it physically any activity your doctor approves, walking in a calm setting. There is a walking meditation practice that helps ground and center also.

Those two things produce cortisol, physical stress and emotional stress.

Sending a for extra measure.

Please know you're not alone and just wanted to send you a back. That sounds so terribly difficult to deal with.

Amazing video, thanks for sharing it. The opposite of addiction is connection and support and perhaps that's why real life therapy and online support from those who understand like here on OOTS is so very helpful.

This is such a neat concept! Thanks for sharing this!

Thanks for the Jungian & Eckhart Tolle reference, will need to chef that out! For me if I felt anger I would have stood up for myself long ago and there were times I was more in touch with my anger. Sadly I lived in a place of fear most of my life but time to shake that off and get in touch with the rest of my emotions!

The thoughts in this thread regarding being in the right healing place makes so much sense and helps me answer the question why any sort of meditation didn't work for me in the past. My healing journey wasn't far enough along and I hadn't found what worked for me - more on this below.

It's also pretty clear there's so many varied forms of meditation practices as there are practitioners! Whatever works for each of us even if that means not consciously meditating is what's important. The thoughts on accepting one another is what this community is about - supporting one another and respecting others individual journey. So many of us were denied a voice and feelings for so much of our life the least we could do for each other is allow it here. Even if we don't agree we can still support one another.

Pieces, what you say also about visualization helps me answer the question why some of the guided meditations I come across irk me so much. Thank you so very very much! Visualizing the physical or being guided along a visual journey isn't what I need. I'm plenty familiar with how to disassociate and I think this is how visualization meditations feel to me, like just more disassociating. That's also a similar point you raise Kizzie about disassociating and I so agree.

Also the meditations to try to change my thoughts to positive don't work because I believe all my full range of feelings are valid and are simply my body's signal that I need to give attention to something. I've long ignored my body's natural signal until it got my attention in a very real and physical way that I could no longer ignore. What I do enjoy and need very much is being present with feelings, grounding, really getting in touch with feelings, allowing my feelings and thoughts, not to try to change them but to listen to their message.

Vanilla, what you describe in walking with nature is so nurturing and I love that for healing. It's very grounding and present in the moment. This may be similar to something I came across on walking meditations. Examining thoughts objectively sounds like it might be related to the practice I found a few weeks ago called RAIN to get in touch with and validate ones feelings and thoughts. That's helped my recovery as well.

Monkey mind! I so relate. It's difficult to focus with such a jumpy little bugger! My mind will spin at such speed. It has helped to calm my body some with deep breathing and simply relaxing not to control my spinning mind but to better pay attention to it and help make the spinning thoughts productive and meaningful. I tend to ruminate endlessly about situations I wish I'd handle better or to plan for encounters with uPDm. This wasn't helpful and impacted my physical health.

My T suggested riding my stationary bike and using my HRM see my heart rate rise but then to stop, do deep breathing and consciously bring it down. Is this similar to what biofeedback is like Kizzie?

So much of the thoughts in this thread will help me find guided meditations that work better for me and I thank each and every one of you for your input and sharing all your experiences!