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Messages - Butterfly

#286
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: My Story
September 06, 2014, 10:47:26 AM
Hi Nettie. I'm LC too and it's helped my healing the present abusive situation with uPD mum. I'm here now from OOTF to address my past since I've recently started experiencing unreasonable panic even though my present sit articulation is a non issue. When I read about Emotional Flashbacks and CPTSD it really resonated with me. 

The more I read about GC SG and lost child the more I identify with lost child. Used to think GC and to some extent my mum moves me and sibling to different roles at different times.
#287
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hopeless
September 06, 2014, 10:35:43 AM
Just wanted to add my welcome.
#288
Therapy / Re: CBT and Relational Therapy
September 06, 2014, 12:32:00 AM
Thank you so very much. It's like OOTF deals with the present and OOTS is helping me overcome and deal with the past trauma. It's like the final piece to my healing journey.
#289
Therapy / Re: CBT and Relational Therapy
September 05, 2014, 11:33:41 AM
Kizzie, I was raised on stoic thinking cbt uses that we control our thoughts and therefore our feelings and I believe this to be true. However, that's not going to address what I've learned are emotional flashbacks. There's no logic and yes, my adult knows I'm in control, but the wave of panic that sometimes rushes in defies logic. I'm new to CPTSD but from what I've learned so far when that happens my mind is bringing my feelings back to childhood even though I'm not there anymore. It's when I feel trapped and even though I know I'm not presently trapped something haloed to trigger those feelings and I want to hide in my closet or other dark place. Not that I do that but that's what I feel. I used to hide in the closet or basement crawl space for hours even in summer when kids should be out playing in the sun.

Pam, yes I'm not certain cbt addresses the past and I've got a fairly good handle on current situation, maybe not if I'm flashing back. The thing that triggered this whole thing was a recent very serious health episode and mum actually bullied me while I laid in the hospital bed quite weak physically and mentally. I wound up agreeing with her ranting twice just to shut her up and then I ended the phone call. I was angry with myself for not just hanging up the phone.

From Pete Walker:
"At the same time, those who have only tried a Cognitive-Behavioral Approach [CBT] to healing their trauma may feel great resistance to hearing that cognitive work is important. If you are like me, you may have been introduced to it in a way that promised more than could be delivered. Cognitive tools are irreplaceable in healing cognitive issues, but they do not address all the levels of our wounding. They are especially limited in addressing emotional issues"

On a completely unrelated note I wanted my forum avatar to be a butterfly with tattered and broken wings, dark, because that's how I feel here on OOTS, but it made me sad so I chose one coming out of fire and made of fire. Still dark but not as sad. On OOTF dealing with the present I feel strong but here I feel very broken.
#290
Therapy / Re: CBT and Relational Therapy
September 02, 2014, 02:09:57 PM
Every time I read of or try CBT it just brings feelings of anger and I'm not sure why. Need to explore this more.
#291
Depression / Re: Not motivated
September 02, 2014, 01:12:59 PM
KF thanks for these suggestions. Dark chocolate is my favorite and I have one square a day of fine dark chocolate and glad it's a suggested therapeutic indulgence ! :)  seriously though, a daily indulgence of some sort as a treat is a most helpful idea.
#292
Emotional Abuse / Re: Emotional incest and enmeshment
September 02, 2014, 12:48:10 PM
Goodness my uPD mum brings new meaning to being enmeshed and engulfing beyond relying on me for emotional support. It's like she's not a separate person, she mirrors my likes and dislikes and even steals my health issues as her own. If she does have her own health issue then I must have it too because I'm her daughter so she projects and advises me to see a doctor even though she hasn't for herself. Anything I do she does too and she befriends my friends. It's so suffocating I used to wake in the middle of the night choking and a sleep study showed no physical cause for the phenomenon.

Most recently she stole my near fatal illness for her own to gain sympathy and go around to her friends who in turn came to me during my illness expressing sympathy for my mother that she has this too. There no possible way on earth for her ever to had such a medical emergency as I have had, yet she somehow got others to believe it and feel sorry for her.

I'm not sure I could read about emotional incest without having a major emotional breakdown. Having LC and using MC when I do engage, employing Boundaries when I've had enough, has helped me so much. At least I know I'm separate and function on by own.

ETA - in fact DH was trying to understand how it felt for me and in trying to explain it to him I finally said the only way I can think to say this in a way he could comprehend is to use the word rape. Because despite my 'no' she takes without my permission what belongs to me, what is mine alone, and makes it her own. It was a painful realization for me.
#293
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Worry
September 02, 2014, 12:40:46 PM
Andrew Johnson. Downloaded free phone app and going to check it out. Need something to de-stress.
#294
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Worry
August 30, 2014, 10:32:27 AM
Honestly MM you've got a valid reason for anxiety worry brain spinning. What you're going through is huge and currently unresolved.

Runination - that's a big one for me. I call it brain spin but the official word DH dr used is rumination. When there a problem I can't quit work through or one of mums PA episodes has me in a spin. I'm not a fan of meds in general - usually have some sort of bad reaction.

Years ago during a time I'd go days and days with zero sleep (really zero) the doctors wanted to out me on anxiety meds and I said if I could sleep I'd be fine. They said I need sleep at minimum every 3 days. Restoril works for me to give me a good night. My problem isn't falling asleep, it's staying asleep and I can usually listen to calming music the other nights when I wake up with brain spin. Or else I take herbs with GABA which is intended to stop brain spin.
#295
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: On Shaky Ground
August 26, 2014, 09:39:07 PM
Thank you Kizzie, will check that link in more detail. I can't tell you how much the support both on OOTF and here on OOTS means to me. Life altering to out it lightly. Right now I feel like quite the broken butterfly and I've cocooned myself for the rest of the week to heal.
#296
Please Introduce Yourself Here / On Shaky Ground
August 26, 2014, 07:01:35 PM
Honestly I'm not sure if I belong here. I don't have many of the CPTSD typical symptoms although through the years I've had some of them. My uPD mum is engulfing to the point of suffocation. Her mirroring and projecting leave me feeling like a shell of a person. Having my own life is a struggle as it's constantly intruded upon. Some nights are filled with nightmares including waking unable to breathe. Her PA tantrums are someone thing I've learned through OOTF to stand up against but I'm left feeling anxious.

To look at me in RL I'm a strong and together person and most times I feel fine. Some days not so much. This week has been especially bad.

Currently I'm LC MC and have set Boundaries defining when and how often I have contact and when I will exit a conversation or in person encounter.

Due to a change of schedule past month most days NC with uPD mum and enF except occasional email or text which I answer when I please. As I anticipate resuming my normal schedule in Sept I find myself having full blown anxiety attacks, my skin is crawling with twitches.

Logic tells me I can stand up to her without a problem, she backs off and lately even enF seems to have my back somewhat so why so anxious? 

Please don't suggest NC - it's not an option right now. My dad and sibling are a precious part of my life and it's a package deal. Can't have one without the other and honestly there's some days mum can actually be fun. But that can change without warning any moment in the middle of having a nice lunch.

So I'm here to learn and explore