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Feeling frightened or helpless when in fact I'm an adult and can simply leave is a signal of flashback. The emotion doesn't fit the circumstance. Feeling like I have no choice or no right to speak when in fact an adult does have choices again doesn't fit the facts. When the emotion doesn't fit the reality.

This thread continues to be so very helpful. Thank you all!

The good news is that as we learn to value ourselves, learn to make boundaries, and learn to be assertive about our wants and needs (both to ourselves and to others) then we become less vulnerable to those who would try to cause us harm.

I like vanilla, this is exactly it and how it is I'm becoming balanced. For the most part my personal belief is other individuals do not intentionally intend to cause harm but the needy tend to latch on to empathetic helpers. Even personality disordered FOO doesn't set out to hurt, it's just their mode of operation and many are just oblivious to others (our) needs. Many are unaware they are wearing on me and its up to me to speak up. I was raised to be the family fixer of all things and carried that tendency throughout my life into other relationships.

Reading information on codependency helped somewhat but a recent read really helped me fill in the final pieces to the picture. The book "I don't have to make everything all better" and the other book that helps so much was Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Both those books are helping me balance as Coda says to not "turn cold hearted or oblivious, insensitive to those around me" but rather to empower others to solve or choose not to solve their own problems. After all, who am I to tell others how best to fix their problems? Only they know what they can or want to do to help themselves.

The Boundaries book helped me balance having needs. As the family fixer I was trained not to have needs in the first place and if I have them I certainly didn't speak about them or ask for help. There was no help to be found so what was the point. To that end I am very self-sufficient and don't really have needs beyond companionship. Both books are helping me find safe people and simple companionship.

My solution - shutting down, shutting out - is no solution at all.

so true

So while my innate empathy is a gift and talent, it is also a vestige of the twisted way I was raised

yes for me too and I am finding ways to leverage empathy as a good thing and limit or eliminate damage.

I keep wondering if the gift of perception can't be turned into something healthier, stronger, more productive.

I am finding it is possible.

Miss Bliss, The above answers the question you had posted which by the way kind of got lost so I edited your post to end the quotation of the previous post where I think you meant it to end.

like being an electrical wire without any plastic covering ---

Boatdailrose, what a very appropriate analogy. And Miss Bliss neat info on the myelin! Yes nightly and morning stretching does help so much with some very low yoga music and dim lights.

Southbound, soul murder, thanks for that and I'm sorry you've had that experience plus the other with the interview.


Finally don't get me wrong on this, there are certain things about being HSP and empathic that I simply cannot change.

The HSP side: Bright lights and loud noise are things that always have and most likely always will cause physical stress and result in mental and emotional stress as well. Therefore I need to know and understand myself, my need to decompress and to grab some calming alone time with some soothing self-care, a blanket, maybe a candle, some stretching. I've always been that way, able to handle being in a social situation but with a driving need to decompress and self soothe daily.

The empathic side: Feeling the feelings of others in a way that people who are not empathic do not understand. Feeling others energy is something I can control but not eliminate. Walking into a room and feeling the feelings, being in the presence of others my brain knows how to read subtle body language, tone of voice, minor facial muscle movement and this is not something I can turn unlearn. What I have learned is to NOT take away others emotions. To let them keep them and feel them, to validate them rather than take and carry their burden for them. I can listen and walk away whole. This is how I'm using my being empathic to be empathetic, a strength rather than a vulnerability, something I value rather than dread about myself.

many congrats!

It's tough, I understand. Hopefully you can get to the point where although it can't be turned off it can be controlled. I don't want to be cold hearted and I don't want to isolate myself. I'm learning to take time for self care along with boundaries and feel better these days. It's a long way from where I want to be but it's a journey.

Here's the other link http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=546.0

I hope it helps.

It's important to remember not to confuse HSP and being an empath with empathy. They are very different things. Empathy and being able to feel for others is one thing, but being HSP and empath takes empathy to a whole new level. In my case I don't consider it a blessing at all nor do I personally consider it balanced 'normal' empathy. It goes far beyond the commonly accepted way of interacting and relating to others.

An empath picks up many non verbal cues others completely miss. Others emotional state floods your mind and heart. A room full of people is overwhelming. Body movements, minor facial expressions imperceptible to others, even someone's personal odor. You very literally pickup on others energy. It's not in the imagination and it's not in ones mind. Casually asking someone how they are or what's new confirms what I already had picked up. Their conversation confirms their emotional state.

For me being empath was, and still is, rooted in survival.  As a child having my mother enter a room and be able to pick up on her emotions without a word or so much as a look in my direction was critical to my survival. Being that much in tune meant the difference between . . . Well let's just leave that sentence there. Do I exit the room now while I still can? Do I stay and take my chances? Is this a minor blip I can help her smooth away or will this require more effort? How much will I have to fix her before I get to eat? Will I be able to eat? If I do eat will I be able to hold the food down? Being able to read her meant my physical life.

It was because there was no boundary between where she ended and I began, there was no "me" and there was no "her" - we were we. I was her emotional storage place. It was my job to take all her emptiness and make it better. Take her bad emotions as my own and give her all my good emotions. This is her expectation to this day. Therefore with everyone else in the world I met I didn't know where they end and I begin.

An empath cannot turn it off, cannot stop. The emotions and energy transfer and become part of you. Friends and family walk away feeling better but I was left feeling physically drained and in bed for sometimes days. It takes effort and training to know when to let others emotions in, how much to let in, how to process that emotion as someone else's and not your own. It is difficult, very difficult. The tendency is to build walls because just a little crack opens the floodgates. I have to manage my entire life flow.

There was some discussion about this early on here at OOTS and I'll see if I can find the link.

Wonderful! Thanks for sharing this, sounds very cool.

such good news!

It must feel terrible to feel so stuck in your situation. Some time ago I came across a book that helped me called "getting unstuck" and it was just what I needed to give me some direction. It might have been the one by Timothy Butler and also What Color is your Parachute helped me figure out a job path that worked. It was a start. I hope y find a way to get unstuck that works for you. 

Yes I very strongly agree eating disorders is closely related to cPTSD. It's about control.

I don't know your situation but in most cases the trauma leading to cPTSD also left you feeling without control, your control was taken away, you were subjected to some kind of abuse without your choice as a child. We were children, we had no choice but to stay with our caregivers for the sake of survival and try to figure out how to cope with the abuse. We may have even stayed long past the legal age to leave by then having a host of reasons for staying.

Google eating disorder and cPTSD for more information. In my expertise if you don't address the underlying reason for the eating disorder, that of control, you will not completely conquer the disorder. Anything else will be a bandaid. It's not about the food, it's about control. What's so insidious is you're handing over control to your body and mind and still subjecting yourself to something you don't want to so you're still not in control.

Welcome and I'm not the most poetic person but I get what you're saying. I'm glad you're reaching out for help and stepped in to introduce yourself. Hopefully you find the group here supportive of your healing journey. Know you are not alone. Do you have support in real life?

I just want to offer a virtual hug to you

Good question. To me anger is an emotion and it can be felt quietly or it can be felt overtly as you mention. There's a range from irritation to rage. But it's a feeling not necessarily with defined parameters for how its expressed. If you're feeling distressed and anxious this sounds maybe like some form of anger that isn't processed. Not sure and maybe others have more or different thoughts.

Illustrations like this help me understand.

Hi Kubali, can you elaborate a bit on what dismissing is in this context? I'm not familiar with what it is and would like to know more.

Cuteness overload!

Goodness that's so much and I so identify. My entire existence was one EF to another to where I don't know if I was ever *not* in flashback for days. I really empathize. Not sure if you've looked into this information:
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

It helped me immensely learn how to even recognize what a flashback even is because it was just how I existed all the time.

You are not alone.