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Oh man, I hear you on trust. It's hard. Did your family system also involve keeping secrets? I know mine did and it ups the difficulty of sharing exponentially. It's challenging because I can see it now and even still, find it hard to overcome and find my words. It's like there's a gag over my mouth and they just won't come out. I'm also the president of blurting something out minutes before my session with my T is done because it takes me that long to work up to it.

What I've learned is that once you've done it the first time, you realize that the world doesn't end. If anything, it's a huge release. Yes, I feel incredibly vulnerable in that moment after it's said. But seeing yourself reflected with empathy by people who care about you is so healing. It transforms how you feel about yourself. And it begins that gradual climb up to fully trusting to share what's going on with you.

You can do this - start with your spouse or your best friend. It sounds like they're ready to hear what you have to share and you already trust them, right? It's just hard to share these dark secrets because on one hand, it makes them real. But on the other hand, it puts them in the past, where they belong, so you can have your feelings validated and connect deeply with those around you.

I would say: It is within this painful place that you will discover the most beautiful love you've known. And you'll have moments where you look around at the world and just be amazed at life.

Yes, there will awful pitstops along the way. Reach out and talk to someone about them, even though it's the last think you'll want to do. Don't keep it bottled up inside. Spit out a word, any word. Because that word is your life line. And the more words you lay down, the more you'll make it down the road to see that beauty.

Scream if you need to scream, cry if you need to cry, puke if you need to puke. Let your body do as it wants to. Respect and cherish it.

And get mad when you need to. Even if you don't know what you're mad at...just let yourself get angry. You will figure out what you're angry at sooner or later.

Be with those who are like-minded. For those who are not, offer them love but not all of you. Trust that there is a plan.

Spend time laughing and playing. Build a tower and knock it down, so you can build it again.

Be outside. Breathe. 

Hey smg - for you, too.

Yes, it's a clearing exercise. I stumbled on this a week or so ago - I felt that I had connected strongly with my IC. But then one day, she told me nobody loved her. I replied that wasn't true and that I did...and she called * on that.   She's pretty darn honest!

So writing the list out helps me see the external judgements my mom held on her as a child because of her inability to love and accept her. And that in turn, I adopted in order to get love from my mom.

Now I need to let my IC know that she was right and that I'm sorry. Sorry for withholding love from her. It sounds simple, but the feelings evoked are so powerful. And in letting her know that I'm sorry, she'll learn to trust me again.

So yes, there is rejection of the messages as external. But greater than that, there is healing and building of trust with your IC. And that healing strengthens your core understanding that those messages are not who you are, at all.

This might not be the most popular opinion, but I do think it's possible to reach a point where you stand, hand on your heart, and forgive even unrepentant abusers for the past. Even while making the decision that you are letting the relationship go, as that is also a choice you now have as an adult.

I get it, have taken my own breaks in the time I've been here. It's all part of the process, nothing to be ashamed of.

I am lucky in that my one-and-only T is very caring. I'm sure she has her professional limits but has never made them obvious to me. I've even gone so far as to ask how she maintains balance, dealing with all she does, and she was open in terms of what she does to facilitate that.

I believe that having our emotions and humanity mirrored back to us is such an important part of healing and should be a huge piece of therapy.

  Having your words and feelings invalidated can be so tough. I see you, I hear you, I feel you and I believe you.

You did not deserve what happened to you. You can give all that shame and abuse back to your uncle and rapist. There is no way that at the age of 10 you would have deserved any of that. You were innocent. You are innocent.

I hope you can find the healing and validation you long for here.

My T asked me to make a list of negative judgements I hold on myself because of my mom's inability to love/pove herself and therefore placing judgements on others instead. I thought I would share them here, as I see them popping up for others.

As I said to my T, I didn't think the list would be so long. And yet, I still don't think it's even halfway done.

Apparently, I have a lot of things to put on the list. Started writing things out by hand & it got a little long. But I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot and at the same time feel like I'm not even halfway done.

Please feel free to share your list. This is part of the work I'm doing to be able to love my IC without reservations.

List:
-Your body is unacceptable and embarrasses/makes me feel ashamed
-You shouldn't ask for anything other than what you're given b/c you're not worth it or special enough to get it; only your sister is
-Being smart is the only way to make me like you, but still not enough to make me love you
-You should be grateful to me & my religion that you're alive
-You don't have a special place in the family. You're not the first or the best at anything.
-You look like your dad's family, whom I dislike, therefore I dislike you
-I will take so much from you and make you believe that you are willingly giving it to me
-Your passions & feelings don't matter if they don't match my beliefs. I will show this by laughing at them and making them sound trivial and full of error.
-You can't do the same things as your brothers because you're a girl. But there's nothing special you can do as a girl because it's either not religiously acceptable or you're not pretty enough to do it.
-I will make a show of you standing up for something you want to do that I don't want you to do by demonstrating how hurtful and selfish you are to want it
-I will expect you to be perfect, but even if you are perfect I won't love you
-I will tell you to go the barn to help your dad but never recognize the work you are doing there
-I will only touch you to correct how you are dressed, unless touching you makes me look good to other people
-I will control what & when you eat, drink & sleep, and expect you to be grateful for the choices I make. And if you disagree, I will show you how ridiculous you are being and/or how much you've hurt me.
-I will not care or acknowledge if you have a favourite colour, style or anything that might be about you. If I like it, you should like it too or you will hurt my feelings.
-I will keep score of the number of times you've failed
-You will do the chores I don't want to do (clean bathrooms, baking, bringing in wood)
-You will not cry or acknowledge pain because it irritates me
-You will not get angry at me or I will hit you

I hear you! That was one of my messages, too: crying is irritating, so no crying even if you are in pain. I also get that when I hurt myself. "Hmmm...where'd that blood come from? Oh crap, I cut myself...." Realization from seeing, not feeling.

It's such a false message. You have a voice and deserve to be heard! I'm so sorry your parents did not have the capacity to nurture and love you the way a child should have been.

Today I feel optimistic for the future. 

What great perspective you have. The other things I'm hearing that weren't said is that they didn't deny your feelings (validation) and helped you feel connected without putting the guilt of making you feel a burden (community and respect). It's really great you have good people in your life.

Have you started any inner child work? That is a place where you can step in and fill the need inside you for love and reassurance. Your little one is asking and you can let her know she is loved and perfect just as she is.

Thanks so much for sharing this. I relate to this a lot. On top of the NM everyday crap, she used to tell me often that when she was pg with me, her doc told her she was too old But that she didn't believe in abortion for religious reasons. So I was supposed to have gratitude to her and her religion for existing...not really being wanted, but dodging the knife, so to speak. * that. :p

I follow this author on FB, just sharing that there is that presence in case anyone else is interested.  I'm not great at keeping up on blogs, this way it pushes me the information.

  welcome! I relate soooo much to the difficulty in finding words. What helped me was moving from thinking I needed the right words to just talking about what felt top of mind, sharing here and with my T and others, and hearing their words...the more I shared and listened, the better my words became. Before I never would have been able to express things like feeling invisible and dismissed because I didn't even have an awareness that those were ways to feel...even though it was exactly how I felt. Make sense?

You will get there, too.

Hi Vincent, welcome to OOTS. Although there are many paths that lead us here and different ways that this manifests, you'll find many common bonds. You don't need to be alone with your thoughts anymore 

I run from the death I see, I run from the terror I feel, and I run from the mind to which I am trapped in.

I've spent a long time running, too...and I'm tired of it. It sounds to me like you are, too. The hope I have for you is to be able to see that there is more in this world to run toward than there is to run from. I know it might not seem like that now, but it is the beautiful part of the journey (amongst other * parts) - being able to look out and see that there is more to the world than fear. That there is love and beauty and hope.

I don't know when and if my mind is going to take a turn for the worse and often when it does, it cripples me into an altered state of reality that I cannot even begin to explain to anyone that has not experienced it.

My gut says that this is going to be big for you - beginning to express this. When you trust enough to express it, you will then be able to process it with your conscious and identify the areas that need work...it's the beginning of building a new foundation for you.

Money means nothing and neither does material possessions.<snip>  I would trade all my worldly possessions to just feel normal and healthy again.

This is beautiful. Recognizing that materiality is a mask that so much of the world hides behind. The desire to feel healthy is beautiful, too. I feel as if I'm hearing that you feel things are hopeless - but I see hope right here in this part of you that wants to regain what you have lost and take your place in the world. That is strength. 

I'm very proud of you for taking a stand when you could choose to do something different.