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Kizzie, thank you for sharing that. It sounds like you really do understand. I also have that perfectionism tendency, driven by fear.

Even as a toddler, however, my fear had another facet: rage and indignation. I think it has been manifesting throughout adulthood as a deep feeling of defiance, never acknowledged to myself until now. It seems I have been compensating for it with super-nice, super-performing, self-effacing behavior in the workplace, accompanied by passive-aggressive behaviors such as chronic lateness, criticizing other people's work, etc. 

I just realized today, that my IC has been so obsessed with the constant danger of being exposed as a fraud, that I have been exhausting 100% of my effort and energies into hitting it out of the park, always trying to climb the ladder two steps at a time, while in the meantime, the REAL problems (that I know of now, there could be more) that needed attention - issues with authority, and coming across insincere - have not even made it onto the radar.

I've suspected for most of my adult life, that I don't have the full set of social skills. Trying to identify exactly where I have been missing the mark is the most difficult undertaking I have ever faced. It would be easier for me to learn rocket science - I'm not even exaggerating. Even now, since I don't know how long this is going to take to fix or learn from scratch, I'm thinking I might be better off pursuing more solitary type of work where I can just be paid for what I produce, and, as much as possible, avoid work that requires interpersonal relationships.

Wow I didn't expect to see myself in that list... but nearly every behavior matched. ACOA, hmmm...

Thank you Trees. Thanks for the hugs. 

Made me smile a little. :-)

What "R" is doing to you is super invalidating. He's trying to tell you who you are instead of listening to who you actually are. That's the sign of someone who is attempting to control you.

I just read all these posts again today, and my last reply seems so... flippant... now that I look at it again. 

Geez I never know who is driving at any given moment. I looked back at some old blog posts too, today, and I deleted a bunch of them because they were so f*ing chirpy, squeaky, saccharine... insincere. Of course, I sort of remember writing them, and I know I did not realize how totally insincere they seemed at the time, obviously, or I never would have published them.

But this control thing with R is ... it's there. I saw it again last night, and we had a strangely deep conversation about how we communicate with each other. I say strangely, because I didn't end up feeling like we resolved anything, but just the fact that we talked about it was encouraging. He really is completely blind to his micromanaging tendencies. He thinks he is being "helpful." He seemed open to hear my opinion about his helpfulness, but I really truly could not think of a way to explain it to him.

Here's the story: the heating element in the oven stopped working a couple weeks ago. I knew it was broken because for example, I made brownies, and the package said to bake for 45 min, and it took nearly 2 hours for them to bake, and the tops burnt because ALL the heat was coming from the top heating element. So to verify, the next day I turned on the oven for a minute, long enough to start warming, and touched the bottom element and it was cold.

I got online with the model number, etc., and found replacement parts, took the broken element out, and actually avoided telling him for a couple of days because I KNEW he would jump in and get all micro managy about it, and question whether the oven was even broken, and tell me I was probably using it wrong. So I told him last night, and my prediction happened EXACTLY as I thought.

It was not good. He picked up on my reluctance to talk about it, but he assumed it was because I had not done my research. I already had a local repair shop give me a quote and they could have the part in one day, but he found a cheaper one online, so I was more wrong.  Then, like I said, we talked about why this conversation was so damn difficult, but I was overwhelmed and had to change the topic.

I couldn't imagine having him as a boss! I would quit!

Right now, I think I am in a very fearful state.

I'm not sure if it's fear, but I feel frozen. I had no goals today, nor yesterday, and now I feel like I'm doomed. I feel a sense of failure. How can I be simultaneously apathetic and anxious? I chose to do some writing today, some reading, listened to podcasts, but I blew off grocery shopping and house cleaning. I washed the dishes but the floor is disgusting.

I am convinced I will never know what it is like to earn money and make good decisions with it. I will be dependent on R or my mom until one of us dies. What is the point?

Where is this fear coming from?

I love it, what a wonderful way of thinking about being different.

I also have always wondered what it is about me that scares people off, and pretty much concluded that it must be like how a herd of wildebeest lets the weak ones get eaten by the lions, cull out the weak ones to make the herd stronger as a whole. I just figured, I must be like the weak wildebeest, and they just instinctively know it. Your metaphor is so much kinder!

Very interesting thoughts and experiences related to attachment.

I wonder if I'm still disorganized attachment? I'll have to do some research.

My attachments are one extreme or another... either I'm extremely attached instantaneously to someone, (this only happens with intimate partners... no such thing as "casual sex" for me) or I could care less if I never talk to them. Mostly the latter. It's not a feeling of animosity, it's just total complete apathy.

The weird thing is how my behavior conflicts with the attachment feelings. I rarely ever get flat-out rejected by an intimate partner; it's usually me cutting ties because something about the situation becomes intolerable to me, and I feel powerless to change it, so I don't even try. The last time this happened, the guy I dated before I met R, I recently thought how strange that I was SO heartbroken for SO long, but I never even once asked him to change or correct the thing I saw as a deal breaker. I chewed off my leg and ran for my life, (figuratively) and then literally contemplated suicide. It makes no sense whatsoever. The guy probably never had any idea, and probably even wondered how I could be so cold and never see or hear from me again.

With female friends, there are a couple who reach out to me once in a while, but I never initiate. I am grateful when they do, and I always respond, but they are probably getting tired of the one-sided nature, and I hear from them less and less. And I don't care.

I'm late to this topic but honestly see nothing wrong with what you said to the roommate in the opening post. You said exactly the right thing as far as I can tell. And resetting expectations as to a move date - good for you!

For me expressing preferences in a toxic situation has been battered for so long that I've lost my voice. I have no problem expressing myself in normal circumstances but if I'm in a situation where I may receive aggressive push back I freeze.

My current issue is when others vent and it's like a train out of control with no graceful or appropriate time to interrupt and stop the train. Like the issue at the hairdresser in the other post, how do you make it stop? Even if a friend just wants to vent, I don't feel like hearing it. It feels exactly like a verbal vomit receptacle.

I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend flat out TELLS me that it's OK to interrupt him when he's working on his computer, if I need to talk to him or even just want to talk, whatever... but I still can't bring myself to do it. If I try, and get the tiniest bit of resistance, like a sigh from him, I immediately shut down inside.

He also gets "on a roll" talking about his job, and on one hand, I like the fact that he tells me all the details about his struggles and what he's working on. It feels like I have his attention, and he seems to respect my opinions. HOWEVER, he often goes on and on and on, to the point where I am sort of exhausted and a little bored even, but I don't know how to interrupt him or try to wind down the conversation.

I must have been taught at gunpoint, not to ever interrupt anybody, ever, for any reason!

Milarepa,

Funny, I don't think of him as "controlling", but just the other day, I was staring blankly at him while he was going on and on and on about exactly how to do something, and the word "micromanager" popped into my head. What's the difference? I don't know, I guess there really is no difference!

I guess I usually don't let it bother me, I don't give it much thought actually. I just tune it out. I guess I hope someday he will realize that I'm not sitting there taking notes, and I'm not jumping out of my chair to do exactly (or even remotely) what he says, so he might as well just save his energy.

It's definitely an issue, but it's not top priority right now. It will have to be addressed later, when I have a stronger backbone.

Thank you butterfly and mary...and Kizzie! I feel a lot better about it. I hope I learn as quickly as you seem to think, but new behaviors are tricky. I'm aware, but protecting myself is a brand new skill I will have to practice.

Update:

Things are improving a little, I think.

Yesterday I read Pete Walker's article, "Shrinking the Outer Critic in Complex PTSD" and every single paragraph was like, hitting another mark, exactly. I have been so preoccupied with paying attention to, and battling my inner critic, that I have not given much thought to my outer critic. But, here's what happened yesterday:

R comes home from work, and talked about his day for a while, and eventually he asked if we have any groceries. I told him I didn't go to the store, and we have almost nothing to eat in the house. He asked why I didn't go, and I said the card you gave me needs to be activated. He asked why I didn't just activate it, and I explained that I tried & I can't because I need the last 4 of his social.

So, I can tell he's annoyed, and I'm feeling REALLY defensive, and he asked me, "why didn't you just text me & ask for my social?" and I said, "I dunno, I guess I thought you would be home a lot earlier than this, plus, you never respond to my texts anyway, so..."

Then he gets really upset, and says something like, "I really resent you throwing that in my face. I've been trying really hard to improve in that specific thing, and I have been getting better. Haven't I been texting you several times a week lately?"

I knew he was right, and he has been getting better, but I refused to respond, and just continued doing stuff on my computer. Then he got even more aggravated and demanded why I wasn't responding to him.

I thought to myself, what a double standard. When my feelings get hurt, he gets mad at me. When his feelings get hurt, boy we better get it all sorted out immediately.

Well, we eventually got it sorted out, and I think my outer critic was at least partially to blame there. I do hang onto resentment, and I do tend to behave passive-aggressively, and regardless how justified some of my past complaints might have been, they really were not relevant to the moment, last night.

So, I realized that I was hijacking this moment of vulnerability and trying to use it to vent some pent up resentment, and that was not a very healthy reaction.

I'm so glad now, that I have real feelings of love for him, and Valentine's day is coming up! I want to make him cookies! 

Also, he was very impressed that I made a spreadsheet & printed it out, with price comparisons of different grocery stores. He gave me the credit card back with full permission to not worry so much about the spending limit, since it's been a while since the last shopping trip & we are out of so much stuff.

I'm really, really confused. I thought men WERE wired exactly the way you describe??

I also have an intense sex drive, but I usually have the opposite problem. I must have an overabundance of oxytocin, because I bond so deeply, so quickly, as soon as I start sleeping with someone. That bond is probably not "love" but it's the closest thing to it that I ever get with an intimate partner. But (previous to current situation, which is 100% uniquely different from what I'm about to describe) EVERY SINGLE TIME I have had this bonding happen, completely outside of my conscious control, I would be totally unaware it happened until the guy would dump me or do something I found to be a deal-breaker, forcing me to quit the relationship. This would always happen within a few weeks, maybe a couple months at the most, and each time was more devastating than the last. Each time, was a perfect example of what you are talking about, except the roles reversed: I'm attached, he is not.

I wonder what is up with our opposite experiences?

"You know, it's admirable how well you're coping with my trauma."

LOL!!! OMG I love it, I'm going to use that!

Oh my! I didn't get to read in detail all the follow up but let me second third or whatever the sentiment you did nothing wrong. This person overstepped normal social boundaries. And yes I'd let my SO know - I let him know when someone just creeps me out so he can be supportive.

I have not told my boyfriend, and did not intend to since I've decided to stop anything before it even starts. I also feel like he might be upset that I had coffee & didn't tell him right away. Maybe I'm not being fair to him?

There would have been nothing wrong with saying 'you're out of line'  put that's totally beyond what I'd be able to muster up courage to say. We're so conditioned to come up with some 'nice' response where no niceness is called for but rather something blunt. Meet blunt with blunt and I'm working on that myself. 


You're response was appropriate and may work - for a normal person.

I hear you, butterfly, and you are right, I have been thoroughly conditioned to "be nice" - when self-esteem is low or nonexistent, being nice seems like the only thing I have to offer anybody. It's the only thing I'm really good at. (That's what my inner critic has always told me.)

But my politeness, in this case, was more than just conditioning... it's also another self-protective measure. Serial killers and rapists are often highly sensitive to perceived insults or slights, so, after seeing how this guy was so eager to push my boundaries, I did not want to offend him in any way just in case it would trigger a retaliatory response in him.

However some people might read the 'not ready' response to mean some day you might be ready. Just saying . . . don't be surprised.

Yeah, I hope not. I'll just have to take that one day at a time.

Please don't let this stop you from being friendly and saying hello to people. Perhaps a bit more medium chill and keep it to safe topics like the weather and news, community events. Nothing personal that invites someone into your life until you've had opportunity to vet them out a bit.

That friendliness is one part of me that will probably never change. I hope someday I will learn where to draw the line, I guess that's part of learning about boundaries.

Ana, wow your therapist sounds like she has her own PD possibly?? Definitely sounds like the total opposite of what therapists are supposed to do. Unprofessional. Grrr!

C, thank you... I guess I needed some reassurance, I was feeling really bad about myself. My radar is definitely broken. I've known that but it keeps happening!