Messages

Guys, the suggestions here are brilliant! Thank you!

You are so welcome! I hope all of us get healthily laid real soon!

Wow you guys are awesome! Thank you.

Here are some new realizations about myself that have recently emerged.  I have learned rudimentary skills in intimacy and find I can be intimate, but my brain gets tired and I need quiet time. I fully realize my maturity level is that of a small child, but it is a lot better than it was.

C., miel, so sorry I missed your questions!

Again, I am not a mommy, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

Narcissism develops when a kid is around lying and gaslighting all of the time. So, just like with borderlines, a kids feeling and perceptions are continuously invalidated, and there is "image" and "face" through about to hide the lies and to manipulate people.

So a huge thing I have read is the mirroring you are doing. When you do that, he knows you "get" him. That is the greatest prevention, methinks.

Guys these are great, thank you!!!!

Just like S.cat said YES it is treatable. What kind of damned fool would say otherwise?  And Like S.cat, it will probably never completely go away, but it is a heck of a lot better than it was.

Wow thanks for all of your thoughts, people. Like I said, I think as we heal, it changes around. Yes, i am on the avoidant end, but I am a lot better than I was. I am just now really understanding the magnitude of this in my gut.

Our abusers turned our bonding systems into scrambled eggs...

Yup, that sounds exactly like an attachment issues. And I am also an ACOA.

If there is one thing I cannot forgive the perpetrators for, it is for the destruction of bond formation development. There is nothing that I have lived with that has caused so much suffering.

Well, I am trying to practice.

Coda, that is some really good stuff.   You really put those words in just right, and it rang true to me also. I felt exactly like you before, especially with that "inflicting" thing....I realized  that it was just an illusion. Like you, it is me that felt offended and drained by people's profound lack of empathy. But you know what i found? There are a few people around that actually appreciate a person's sensitivity and just a small handful of people like this can replace thousands of fair weather friends.

Thank you for your kind words.

Like C. said, I am trying to fall in love with myself. I got dressed up and when to a concert and symphony (both free). No less than 13 males greeted me when walking the 3.8 miles to the places. I loved it  I am practicing eye contact and greeting people on the street (it is culturally expected here). I had some fresh juice and had a great time. So I took myself on a date. You realize you are not inflicting as terribly as one thinks one does. But I do feel a detachment right now, no doubt.   

Mila, THANKS for the recommendation....good stuff!!!

I thought you had fallen off the planet...welcome!!!!

Ana, thanks for such the sweet words 

I can't help but feel that this is a temporary phase in development, if we keep working through it. You know, it is kinda like going on an elimination diet when a person has a food allergy. It is an epic pain in the *, because you remove wheat, soy, corn milk, nuts, etc. etc...THEN you slow reintroduce each group one by one until you discover the offending agent.

Disorganized attachment is the lowest level of development, I have read. It is about the level of a 2-3 year old. Avoidant is about a 5 year old in emotional development. I think that the next leap is into secure attachment, if we condition our fight or flight reflexes properly. I have no idea how long this takes, but I feel it getting nearer for myself.

You know, I see this as a wonderful healing school lesson for you. YOU RECOGNIZED the boundary crashing!!!

YAY! and now you are processing it the RIGHT way

So, when then next icky nasty perv tries to crash your boundaries, you will KNOW and can duck and avoid the damage.

GOOD JOB! you are are the right track!!!

[current]

BH, honey what a nightmare. I am so sorry about this. I have been in charge of huge amounts of care taking in my life, so have been in the same ballpark. I am so glad you are moving in March.

I have said this before, and I will mention it again. It is very important for recovery trauma folks to do a self assessment as to what our current capacities are. Remember, we statistically live 20 years less than un-complex traumatized folks, so we need to take recovery very seriously and put ourselves first so that we do not become a statistic. For me, I am not in a place to care give at the moment, and I have been working on this horrid BS for almost 3 years, and made huge progress.

For me, I have no business caretaking when I have so much to clean up in myself dues to decades of self neglect. When my cup is full, I will be of better service to other again.

I know you love your sister and what you have done is above and beyond We all applaud you. However, there comes a time that she needs to be in an institutional setting, as it sounds like she has got the self care abilities of a toddler. This is so horribly sad, and I am so sorry.

Very nice metaphor....thank you!