I posted this on another PTSD board, but I did not get a lot of input. I am a survivor of extreme child abuse, Both of my parents were extreme, off the chart addicts, yet pretended like nothing was wrong. I was made to work like a slave in the hot Texas heat as a small child, and made to work the family farm in intense winters in Arkansas. I was doing most of the work, while my father drank. I went without food, medical care, and was screamed at, called fat and ugly, and parentified constantly. There were good times, sure. But my family left me in a lurch more times than I could count. I score an 7 or 8 on the Adverse Childhood Experience *ACE* scale.
This is what I have lost in the last 7 years.
1. Career as a scientist
2. 2 abusive marriages (thought I was going to get killed with the last one)
3. stable home (10 moves in 9 years)
4. 2 cats to being eaten by wildlife outside my home, 1 to other circumstances
5. My entire FOO
6. Two businesses
7. Endless string of toxic "friends"
8. My mom and grandmother, both of my maternal grandparents, and almost my dad (
9. All my stuff
10. All my earnings
It seems like I was absolutely helpless as I desperately tried to stop things from going down the drain. I am a conscientious, very responsible person. To just stand there and watch relationships go to sh??, with nothing I could do to stop it, because the other person just could not stop being a sh>> stain. There seems to be a huge discrepancy between what I put into things and what I get out.
If my life was a balance sheet, it would show huge net losses. Not a profitable enterprise. Not really worth it.
I have always thought and I still strongly do, that it is not wise to have children. I don't think it is wise for any of my family, given the strong dysfunctional history and tonnes of stuff undealt with. I really like children, but like an Aunt. They wear me out really quick emotionally.
Now, I walk through life detached from any expectation. I am not attached to my stuff. I have disrupted attachments in my relationships, as they could end tomorrow. I have lost so many people abruptly. Plus a lot of people are really, really screwed up and would just bring me down...got to be careful of the friends you do make. I have been threatened, smeared, abandoned, lied to by my family and close friends. I have gone through almost every by of betrayal imaginable, out of nowhere.
I have to live a very strict life. I cannot eat poorly, or be in a high stress environment. I can't have TV, and I only see 1 or 2 movies a year. Can't do CNN, Fox, etc. Or violent shows or movies. Can't have gluten, dairy, or coffee or I will get really ill. I have to work from home. I don't make a lot of money, but I am a very good manager of what I have. I wanted a good career with financial security commensurate with my drive, abilities, and talents, but no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just could not materialize it. The system was broken.
I have lived through 3rd world like poverty. I have done large amounts of physical labor that men twice my size do. I have applied for a 1000+ jobs. I have taken care of 4 dying family members and set up hospice, arrangements, fighting with greedy doctors. Trying to get them medical care in a dying system.
I have desperately needed medical care, but just could not access it because of poverty. No matter what I did, it was inadequate to get me out of the * hole. I saw inept, dishonest people weasel their way to the top, while I battled homelessness. I could never figure it out why I was busting my *, trying to operate from an angle of integrity, and being punished for it.
Now, I have a good life. I live in a beautiful part of the world. Have a nice little place. Eat all organic foods. Go to the symphony and ballet, and endless other things. I travel (on the super cheap) all the time. I have what are seemingly great friends. I do some really neat art. I look and feel really good most days. It could all change on a dime, but it is much, much better than what I had before. What bothers me is that I have no sense of future. I am so detached that I do not care to see my family ever again. I feel a profound disconnect with my belonging and my friends. Or even my life. Or the prospects of a healthy mate. I do have a boyfriend back in the US, but because of his tantrums, I will probably have to break it off.
This is what I have lost in the last 7 years.
1. Career as a scientist
2. 2 abusive marriages (thought I was going to get killed with the last one)
3. stable home (10 moves in 9 years)
4. 2 cats to being eaten by wildlife outside my home, 1 to other circumstances
5. My entire FOO
6. Two businesses
7. Endless string of toxic "friends"
8. My mom and grandmother, both of my maternal grandparents, and almost my dad (
9. All my stuff
10. All my earnings
It seems like I was absolutely helpless as I desperately tried to stop things from going down the drain. I am a conscientious, very responsible person. To just stand there and watch relationships go to sh??, with nothing I could do to stop it, because the other person just could not stop being a sh>> stain. There seems to be a huge discrepancy between what I put into things and what I get out.
If my life was a balance sheet, it would show huge net losses. Not a profitable enterprise. Not really worth it.
I have always thought and I still strongly do, that it is not wise to have children. I don't think it is wise for any of my family, given the strong dysfunctional history and tonnes of stuff undealt with. I really like children, but like an Aunt. They wear me out really quick emotionally.
Now, I walk through life detached from any expectation. I am not attached to my stuff. I have disrupted attachments in my relationships, as they could end tomorrow. I have lost so many people abruptly. Plus a lot of people are really, really screwed up and would just bring me down...got to be careful of the friends you do make. I have been threatened, smeared, abandoned, lied to by my family and close friends. I have gone through almost every by of betrayal imaginable, out of nowhere.
I have to live a very strict life. I cannot eat poorly, or be in a high stress environment. I can't have TV, and I only see 1 or 2 movies a year. Can't do CNN, Fox, etc. Or violent shows or movies. Can't have gluten, dairy, or coffee or I will get really ill. I have to work from home. I don't make a lot of money, but I am a very good manager of what I have. I wanted a good career with financial security commensurate with my drive, abilities, and talents, but no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just could not materialize it. The system was broken.
I have lived through 3rd world like poverty. I have done large amounts of physical labor that men twice my size do. I have applied for a 1000+ jobs. I have taken care of 4 dying family members and set up hospice, arrangements, fighting with greedy doctors. Trying to get them medical care in a dying system.
I have desperately needed medical care, but just could not access it because of poverty. No matter what I did, it was inadequate to get me out of the * hole. I saw inept, dishonest people weasel their way to the top, while I battled homelessness. I could never figure it out why I was busting my *, trying to operate from an angle of integrity, and being punished for it.
Now, I have a good life. I live in a beautiful part of the world. Have a nice little place. Eat all organic foods. Go to the symphony and ballet, and endless other things. I travel (on the super cheap) all the time. I have what are seemingly great friends. I do some really neat art. I look and feel really good most days. It could all change on a dime, but it is much, much better than what I had before. What bothers me is that I have no sense of future. I am so detached that I do not care to see my family ever again. I feel a profound disconnect with my belonging and my friends. Or even my life. Or the prospects of a healthy mate. I do have a boyfriend back in the US, but because of his tantrums, I will probably have to break it off.