Messages

Amamiame, I totally understand where you are coming from, and I very much empathize.

   

It seems like regulating the bonding system has to do with regulating the fight or flight system. From what I read, we need to experience a veeeeery safe relationship  (maybe with a therapist or somewhat else) in order to dampen the f & f reaction.

I have read that attachment problems can be alleviated and made better as adults. It is not  easy.

Like I said before, I am kind of in a detachment phase, as I used to be much more clingy. I have the sensation that I am being smothered in many, but not all respects. Like my personal space violation trigger gets tripped a lot. It is like I have gone from completely disorganized attachment to avoidant, which is a step "up" in the lesser of two evils.

Here is a paper about establishing secure attachments.
http://undividedjournal.com/2012/11/29/the-ultimate-secure-base-healing-insecure-attachment-in-the-nondual-field/

THANK you for all of your very thoughtful replies. I  am going to throw something out there...are all the people on the forum oversexed?

Milarepa....this has been suggested before, good idea. I live in South America...little different culture here. Not to say there ain't any groups here like that, but you just can't google them up. I live in a city that is a lot like Austin or San Francisco...so I imagine that there is something. This is a very logical solution.

Fairy....boy, this sounds like a hard situation. I am not sure if I could pull it off myself and I admire what you are doing to compensate. I go to a meditation center, walk 3-9 miles a day in mountain territory, and it seems the more healthy and fit I get, the worse it gets. There are a lot of yoga classes here, and I will give it a try. I am uncertain if I am even meant to be monogamous.

C. OMG.....You and I are very similar. Since 17, I have only been without sex completely for very short periods of time myself. You really have the word have have trouble finding for my experience, and I do thank you for it.

My preference is a long-term, permanent commitment with sex, but that's me, I place no judgement. You just nailed it here....took the words right out of my m outh.

It's almost like falling in love with myself again is allowing that to be enough?  Like that's my "commitment" right now... Bingo. Like you, I am focusing on my own stuff  very intently and I do not have the desire or time to feed and water a full blown relationship. Again, like you,  this self work takes up all my emotional energy. I am really, really liking myself for the first time and doing a lot of self care. I can't have somebody come in a screw this up. Remember, people like us live on average 20 years less, so recovery is literally a fight for our lives.

I will look into the Salsa club thing....I have been told there are a lot of hot Jovens there...again, I do not want drama or one night stands. Let me tell you something that is really funny. The Andeans look down their nose at the coastal folks, saying they screw everybody...both men and women, and that they are uneducated hillbillies. However, the Andeans do a lot of screwing around themselves. *, my neighbors in my last place would meet for afternoon trysts...they were both married. Down here, the women are just as bad as the men who do it. And both of my marriages ended traumatically as well. 


   

On my other thread, we started talking about attaching too much and not attaching enough with people during sex. I think this attachment issue in general is an important thing to talk about. Maybe we can learn from each other.

Like other people here, I have had too much and too little bonding with various things, situations, and people in life. Inappropriate bonding strategies. Inappropriate Oxytocin release patterns. I am working my tail off try to correct this in myself. I am working to try to re-calibrate my pattern of bonding.

You can see that problems with bonding result in a lot of crazy, seeming illogical behaviors---by us and others. It is like having a beautiful, wild pony inside of us, gotta find a way to tame it---or a lot of destruction will result.

I used to grasp too much to things and people. Now I am suprised how I turned the switch to the other side, and not grasp at all.

My beloved therapist said the other day that he thought I was a feral person. I appreciated his honesty and candor. I am a feral person. I was not insulted.

So now, I am in a detachment phase.  I don't think it will last forever, it is more of a neural remodeling process, methinks.

Yes, I have had this type of suggestion before. And it is probably the most logical. And your experience mirrored mine to a T. Wow...we are not alone, are we?

Man, this is a hard thing to find, though. So much * and lyin' out there.  Guys wanting to screw around on their wives, and sayin' it ain't so. I don't want to be part of bad karma.

You are so welcome....

Yup A, nuthin' like sticking your head into a bucket of truth...

Thanks VA2 for you response.
Actually, my experience is that a lot of people are wired that way, boys and girls both. I think your issue and mine are just different variations of attachment problems.  I have the bonding in an emotional relationship, but it is not initiated by sex like it is for most people. I am heartbroken over having to break up with a decent (but terribly dysfunctional) guy, but over emotional reason only. I really want do not have a relationship for a while so that I can finish healing, but my sex drive is really driving me crazy.

Also, I don't want to hurt anybody in any way. Know that most people have bonding mechanics happen when they have sex, they will be hurt and renege on any pre discussed and agreed to deal. I just don't want to harm anybody.  I don't want cheap, risky one night stands, either.

Sounds like both of us are in a crappy situation.

Ok, as some of you have commented and supported, I have broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. It just was not a healthy dynamic at all, and I am actually very happy to have stayed true to my values. I have gotten a lot of stuff done, and am going a lot of productive things. That part is healthy and I am really proud of it.

How-ev-er------



I have come to some pretty deep realizations that really bother me.  Please try to bear with me.

I have a really high sex drive. The last several relationships, I was really broken, and needed to heal, but I just wanted a casual, nice, and polite * buddy arrangement. No. The men ALWAYS get attached and want something more. ALWAYS. And this is after a very honest discussion and agreement about the situation. I have never misled anybody.

I was always perplexed about this. As a person with attachment difficulties, I totally realized that I do not get the same "bonding chemical" release than many people do, including men, when having sex. This chemical is called oxytocin, and have been the subject of many scientific studies over 50 years.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex like I would a fine meal or a trip to the museum. I am very greatful to have a person to share this with, and I do not treat the experience cheaply. The experience, like going to the forest on a walk, is very special to me.  I would like to have a grown up casual arrangement, but I do not think other people are wired for it.  I do not bond in the same way with sex that many other people do.  I can bond in love, and have sex with it, but not bond with sex alone.

What I realized is that I used my last relationship to keep me from being promiscuous. And the one before that. When I am not attached, much of the  time, my mind is preoccupied with sex and I look at guys as if I was a horny 16 year old boy.  When I am attached, it damps down to more manageable levels.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not a love addict. I am not constantly falling in love. I just like to get laid like I enjoy fine art or a fine meal, or a walk through nature. Not cheap or sleazy, but a true appreciation like it was an art form. But I realize most men are not wired this way, and it causes a LOT of trouble.

For God's sake, I am 43 and this problem is just getting worse. And of course, being in a country with so many polite, sexy, and willing men it is really driving me nuts.

I am exercising and meditating, and these things are of limited use.

Please advise. This is a REALLY big deal. And thank you.

 

WOW!!!! Good job!

Thanks to both of you....

Sounds like an icky weirdo sex addict....RUN!!

Yes, back on track...a healthy sense of pride is a really good thing when it's part of busting up shame and unworthiness.

You know, this is a really good thread.

I downplay my strengths because being around obnoxious narcissists all my life, I have zero desire to come off life they do. I mean, it looks so low rent and obnoxious. Oh God, being around the professor ivory tower class...total old tyme double meat double cheese shitte sandwiches. And you know what??? They don`t know crap...it is all a ploy to look good. This is no joke. No wonder why higher education is a disaster.

And the few upper class narcs. OMG. Run for the hills. Man, I swear they can see my BS detector from a hundred miles...total haters, LOL! I am a walking narcissistic injury to these people. I don't even have to say a word. They know I know they are full of BS.

I mean, there just isn't any reason to brag and brandish an image. It is so low class. Show a humble man that keeps it under obvious wraps and quietly shows me his inner jewels nonchalantly....and I would be so on him so quick...a man like that is so HOT. People in general who are like this are very, very special people.  I knew some people like that in rural west texas and also here in latin america. Beautiful people.

Ghost, I am so glad you are doing this. Neurontin is horribly toxic and addictive and really needs to taken off the market. It was created as a "non addictive" alternative to the benzodiapene class...eh valium and xanax, etc. Well, this has not turned out to be the case.

Again, I will say that I have a tendencey to fall into psychosis if I am not real careful, and Gabapentin did a horrible number on me. I don't take meds, either. After 11 of them over many years, and with a strong physio knowledge background, I realized that for me, I was headed to an early grave with these drugs.   

Tell you what, SC.  When I started determining what I inherently liked and wanted, I realized I was a much different person than I thought I was. I had been ignoring ALL of my life my very strongly internal signaled proclivities, and boy when they came busting out, it was like a tsunami. For instance, I really, really dislike Dallas and Houston. Just nasty cities, nasty traffic, disgusting climate, alcoholic populace, soulless cultures---life long Texas resident here, I am not speaking of ignorance. When I have to fly into Dallas, I get the * out of dodge the fast as I can.   

Here is an embarrassing one I like. I will just blurt it out. I like men, from a female stance. Give me a hot sexy manly man who knows what he is doing, and I am as happy as a pig in slop.  I would actually like to become a Buddhist nun one day, but i don't think I can do the celibacy thing right now.

I would have never consciously admitting these thing a few years ago. And this are just my own, and nobody elses.