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Messages - Sienna

#16
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ...... (Part 3)
December 24, 2016, 12:43:28 AM
Anxious and generally....bad.
I feel like a bad person. Worthless. Scapegoat comes to mind, even if everything's all my fault.
Outcast. Like the dirt on someones shoe. i want to  :disappear: yet it looks like I'm creating my own isolation which has just happened, its not what i want.
I cant please everyone, and know one knows whats happening in my FOO that has meant i cant go back there, and has lead to me making a snap decision about who to spend xmas with, meaning that it took me ages to let this person know...and thats the option i would have rather gone for, rather than the other, in which the choice was also, made for me...
I cant say no, i can't be honest...i feel overly responsible for everyone...
and I'm sure I'm repeating patterns with this guy who I'm spending it with, who is kind of like my father.. My dad may not be physically with me, but he appears in others.
#17
TRIGGERS ....

I just need to write. I know others here may be going through a lot this xmas.
Xmas seems to intensify what is already wrong.
I know I'm so lucky in many ways, and due to the fright of thinking i would be homeless, I'm so appreciative that I'm not.
Was in a bad place of anxiety and sadness yesterday after dads girlfriends text.
Don't know if i should reach out to dad, as i don't know if its coming from him or her, but he didn't reply to my text i know that much.
I feel guilty and like I'm in the wrong. He couldn't / didn't want to save me from my mother, so should i try to help him with his girlfriend?
I mean, he wouldn't leave anyway. I think he is too afraid of being alone, * no friends and only me who is/ was in contact with him in the family.

I feel more than ever like an auphan, that know one wants. And i feel like its all my fault. I feel abandoned and unwanted, and the worst part (at the moment) is that i could be all my fault (though that could be a defence against pain)

His girlfriend asked what I'm doing for Xmas. her and dad are spending it alone- they didnt know what my plans were.
Had a feeling that  i wasnt *invited*. She never said to come up here if i want to and have it with them.
I do think she wants dad all to herself.
I feel that, dad would never just via text or something that i was ok and not alone on xmas.
And i feel that i could never forgive him for ...*abandoning*??? me this year, simply because i havent apologised when i havent done anything wrong...i don't think.

I have been out today with friends walking and drinking coffee, which helps me get by, and i feel so lucky to have that. I didnt tell them about this.
The evenings are hard and its when the anxiety hits. Its there all the time but intensifies when Im alone.
Its like a panic inside. and it feels hard to breathe.
I keep telling the little girl inside of me that we need to be strong, and that she needs to be a big girl.
She keeps repeating to me over and over that she is so scared.
I am scared, but I'm struggling to figure out why and what It is that I'm scared of.
Im afraid -being alone in the world but i don't now what of.
My dad was all i had left, even if he was never here for me. His home, as much as i hated it, was a safety net should anything go wrong. Maybe now its gone.
I feel ..confused. Messed up inside , which feel uncomfortable. I think its what you would call, a conflict.
Im still running and i don't want to stop. Im afraid of freezing / my feelings.
Never thought id be in the refuge by xmas with this social anxiety, nervous about xmas day, being alone for parts of it.

I feel so young. Like a little girl, not an adult. I feel scared, like clinging onto someone- anyone, begging them to not leave me alone.
This seperate co dependant part, is not me- I'm counter - but i think she is here to try to avoid abandonment.

Didn't dad forgive me / just accept when i made mistakes?
Did i make any with him??
If he did, shouldn't i say to him that i understand that its hard to admit a mistake, how bad you feel as a person when you make a mistake...
as i got *finding it hard to apologise / admit I'm wrong* from my parents.
But he wasnt accepting of my feelings  / my boundary .../ unhappiness at what he did...
But thats not his fault either...!

Hes not been here for me- so why should i be here for him?
But two wrongs don't make a right...am i being overly responsible?
He doesn't understand / try to understand my feelings and my *mistakes*..my anger...so maybe i should stop feeling responsible for fixing this?
#18
Three Roses, thank you sooo much for your message.
You have always been here, and i really appreciate that.

T agrees dad doesnt have any boundaries, so its hard for me to know where the boundaries are or how to set any of my own with him.
I don't think he does know any better and just wanted to help.
I don't think he knows me at all. And he doesnt know how private i am. He doesnt know anything about me, especially my private emotional life. He has never been here for me emotionally.
I agree actually, yes, i did say it was personal...so he shoiulkdnt have shared it.
My head i screwed. Like with other things that happened in my life with men, I'm questioning myself again..thinking that i didnt say it loud enough, or clear enough...so he didnt hear me.
But maybe he did hear me.
I guess people do have boundaries, i.e. one being personal space, so its common sense to not invade it.

Thank you for the hugs. Are you ok Three Roses?  :hug: :hug:
#19
bring em all in....hey, i think your new? Hi from me if so  :)

Thanks so much for your reply. My anxiety is still high.
My parents are divorced- my mum is undiagnosed narc.
Do you mean it sounds like his girlfriend and - or- dad is narcissistic?
I don't know if he is a narcissistic, but uses me to forfil his needs via covert incest.  (may have been more stuff in the past)
But i think he is codependent. Didn't protect me from my mum.
Was angry when i had to tell him what was the matter with me- long story, but i said its mum stuff and he was angry, and he was angry when i said i feared my partner of the time (also a nrac turned out)...doing what ever he wants with me.

Im super sorry your parents were like that, and that that became your trauma response to try to avoid abandonment. Terrifying for a child. You did your best to ensure your survival, however it was very manipulative of them.

My question is, can a boundary be broken if you didnt set one in the first place?
If you didnt say *id rather this just be between me and you*- i did say that it was personal when i told him YES, I'm in therapy.

Your response did help me to know i was not alone and that i have bene heard.
Thank you so much. :hug:
#20
Oh my gosh...feeling panicy again.
This time - to do with my dad.
Put it in this catagory- don't know if he has a PD, but some odd stuff going on.

In women's refuge. Needed money to pay rent.
Had no choice to ask my dad. Said its been expensive, thought i could manage, had money taken from me from benefits people and had an appointment and other expenses to pay.
He asked if it was counselling to which i said yes and that i don't want to stop going.
He called later that night saying he put money in my bank to which i thanked him.
He did what he does offloading to me - about narc mother who's had a go at him on the phone about my sister...
not interested in asking questions about my life.
He told me he told his girlfriend I'm in therapy, was was excited as she recommended going on the NHS.
I said to him that thats really nice of him to think of that for me, but that i just wish he would have thought to ask me first before just telling her. My first thought was BOUNDARY INVASION-
but was it?
I didnt even tell him how i *felt* about him telling her
He brushed it off and said *oh well* and continued talking about himself
I said, *i don't think your hearing me*
to which he said *um maybe not...Anyway...* and continued talking.
I hung up angry
He kept ringing and i was panicking and angry so i didnt answer. I just wanted my phone to stop ringing.

He text saying he had been cut off but didnt know why...he does this...i hung up before but he didnt acknowledge that it was cos of something he said. I didnt reply cos there was no acknowledgement of what just happened.
The last time i hung up on the phone was when he said *now don't go feeling all down now*
and then I SI after the call as i was angry, upset and panicked.

I didnt speak to him for a while as there was no apology but his girlfriend wanted to know why. i told her the truth.
i just wanted him to understand what i was saying and not brush me off. Its not what he did but him brushing off what i said (the boundary i set?)...that hurt.

Texting his girlfriend tonight back and forth about xmas plans.
said i didnt know if i should come back to visit him cos i thought he was mad at me
(and theres much more to the story than that that i can say to her that Ive been talking about in therapy)
She said i didnt thank dad, the 2 times i should have,
that he does have problems with apologising,
she said sorry your upset, but none of this is your dads fault , he only tried to help you

to which i said:
.that i thanked him for his help- both times
.all i wanted from him was an acknowledgment of what happened, to know that he understood and that we could move on...
and that i just left it as its not mine to fix.

I was mad but I'm not mad anymore.
Its just up to him as my *dad* to come forward and let me know he is sorry / that he understands - and if he cant do that, that sucks, and i feel bad for him, but i have every right to feel angry that i have a dad who cant don't I?
There's much more stuff to the dad story than just things like this.

He either told his girlfriend that i didnt thank him - as he feels guilty for the fact that he cant apologise to me / doesnt think he did anything wrong / feels too ashamed blah blah blah
Or- She is telling me this stuff to seperate us and she is stuck in the middle like what narcissists do.

Is it correct to say that i put up a boundary? or didnt I?
Is dad in the wrong here?
I can't visit him for xmas.
I feel abandoned by my whole family since i started therapy, becasue my anger at my narc mum has lead me to not seeing her at xmas (I'm scared of her) and i didnt know how to reply to her messages when i felt afraid and angry. So i left it and now its xmas.
She is mad and she thinks ill never speak to her again. I cant after the message she sent.
And dad- if I'm angry at him- and he *knows about it*, he abandons me too.

I think i need to know what any of you think....
maybe some support ..
#21
Oh my gosh, what a great idea Papilion! I never thought of this.
It takes courage to go to the doctor i know as i also struggle and don't go to them,
i think its so great that you are doing this.
Good luck to you.
#22
Thank you Three Roses.   :hug:
I didnt know if it was a hoover or not, as it sounded final, but so did another message one time, telling me to *go have a nice life*. (after the stupid poem)
I cant believe its a hoover. I cant believe any of this is real. She has been hoovering for a while, and i *guessed* the messages might be called hoovers, but it seems weird to me suddenly like a weird trip that she is actually hoovering.
And i believe its only cos my sister has gone abroad.
I don't believe ive ever been sucked *into her drama*. Its different than how it was with my narc X. I cant argue with her, cos I'm too scared of her.
Its odd that she would want me back, - for all my life i thought she hated me. She made it clear through her words that i wasnt good enough.
So maybe this is a hoover.

#23
Guys, i think i just really need some support...something...
Sorry about my posting a lot lately.

Just got a message of my (undiagnosed) narc mum...:
(Photo inserted above of sister)
Your sister ..how proud you should be if her .
It's a shame you have cut us out of your life .
I have tried for a whole year to contact you but you choose to ignore my messages. 
I can't do any more .
Hope you have a happy Christmas wherever you are and whatever you do . Mum xxx

Since i came to the women's refuge (narc partner)...
i have realised how my parenting effected my life.
I saw a little boy here being abused...emotional, physical, the neglect...
and it helped me to see, and feel, part of what happened to me.
My X isn't here anymore, so the anger is coming up about my parents.

Don't know if my mother triangulated me and my sister,
she may be doing that with my sister and my dad (don't know if there is neglect there from my ad to my sister / any other stuff that he does to me)...
which has factored in to her not seeing him.
Sister hasnt answered my messages for a long time.
Didn't see her before she went to Dubi despite mums messages to go see them, because I'm afraid of my mother.
Its not my fault my sister wont speak to me.

Once i re posted this poem on Facebook, not to get at my mother but she thought it was.
She sent an angry message saying that she saw what i wrote in the comments in reply to one person who said she hated the poem, and i just said it wasnt about me, and that I'm working though the effects of my parenting (i was angry and impulsive)
and i only wrote it cos she said something invalidating. I cant remember how it all happened.
Mum would not be understanding of my anger, and cant accept the truth of what she did, so i couldnt explain to her why i didnt know how to respond to her messages.

I feel really shaken up after this message. Really really anxious, and i don't know why.
I feel guilty for not speaking to my mum - i know its not her fault she is the way she is...
but Ive been angry for some time, and just didnt know how to answer her messages,
which my T agreed, sounded quite...like a telling off for not speaking to her.
Ive ruined it. Should i ever wish to be in contact with her again, maybe i cant.

Im trying to heal and my anger- which my mum doesnt know about- people cant accept it (narc x couldnt and due to his hoovering by proxy, people were pressuring me to speak to him and to see family at xmas- things they know nothing about)
It seems as though most don't want me to heal (they don't know I'm trying to heal)
I feel like I'm being punished - like ive done something wrong by healing.
Maybe this is just all a story that isn't actually real. Maybe my mum did nothing.
I feel once again, that familioiur feeling that my good day has been ruined, and that my mum would think i don't deserve any of those good things and that i should just stop feeling appreciative of what i do have, of what went right today,
because I'm a bad person and don't match up to my sister, the golden child.

Just needed to get that out there. I feel really, really panicy.

#24
Thanks so much mourning dove. You are right. Think I'm worried that if I say anything like the shame stuff is over -that it won't be over snd that I would have risked saying anything for nothing. Haven't been out there yet. But the thoughts if what they think that I think they rgink arnt as intense so that's good.
Thanks for your confirmation (hug)
#25
Hellooo guys,
Not a biggie, just a question
How to i explain to the girls / (would rather it just be one), why i havent been out there speaking to them, and cooking etc for months?
What happened- social anxiety or just anxiety around them, they are women my T pointed out, and my narc mum was emotionally abusive...
Social anxiety started when a new girl came in, and i couldn't go out there...
then i felt tonnes of shame for not being able to go out there (T thinks it was also to do with what we were talking about in therapy but its subconscious shame)
So i was feeling fear about what *i thought* they thought of me-
so i was feeling shame for feeling shame.

One girl the other day after speaking to me twice said *you are always in your room*
to that i said , i know, I'm not anti social, ive just been in a really weird place.
I feel my truth wouldnt be believed so i need to make up a lie, as, if i was grieving etc. would that make a person not eat or cook for months..or even go in there to make a cup of tea?
Could do, but I'm not sure that would be believable- *that ive been in a bad place*
I'm feeling better in a way, like i could explain to them...
What should I do? thanks...
#26
Absolutely. Thanks Wife2. I wish the homeless could have help too. Why isn't the government giving them money? Its so unfair its crazy.
I feel very lucky and just hope it all works out.  :hug: :hug:
#27
This is good, and i just want to write.  I feel this need to tell someone - maybe to help me digest.
Saw key worker this evening and payed service charge.
She said about the hotel- (should it come to that if the appeal isn't sorted by then)-
that i wont be out on the street.
Your in a hotel, maybe a bus ride away from the city centre and you can be in the hotel for a week or for a few months- depending on how long it takes YOU to find a place.
Which is totally amazing!
I just hope i have the money by then to actually afford to rent a place of my own.
The council don't just stick you in a place that is unsafe.
She said its important that we are safe when we leave here, and to never think that we would end up on the streets.

She *did* say *its up to you what you do when you leave here* and *Can you not go back to your dads?*
Turns out - she forgot about that assessment we did in which i told her about the extra support i receive via therapy- and that it was for family issues.
So perhaps she isn't intentionally pushing the living with parent thing as she has forgotten what was said.
So thats good.

About the appeal- like my T, she advised me to go to this place for help, as the other people who are helping me with the appeal havent gotten back to me for ages- its a bit hit and miss, but this place can properly get in touch with the appeal people and let me know what is happening.
Key worker said i can receive support- someone to speak on my behalf when i go to the appeal=
and ages ago T suggested that because i messed up the assessment due to freezing, only i didnt go to that place for help as there was no news of an appeal for a long time.
Will go there tomorrow and see if they can help and need to go to local housing place to sort out getting bumped down the list on the housing website.

Key worker said she will email the people helping with the appeal (who I'm still waiting to hear off) and ask them whats going on on my behalf - as time is running out.

Ahhhh. Im so relieved. I guess its the same situation still- either go back to my dads or live on the streets (if i cant afford my own place when the appeal is done).
What was i thinking though?
If i do end up in a hotel if the appeal isn't done in two months after Xmas and i *dont* have the money for my own place- its either dads or the streets.
Why was i so worried i would be put by the council in an awful, unsafe place??

I know there was a lot of fear coming up about moving back to home town or trying to make it on my own with no money.
I just feel a little better that if i do have the money but cant go through the website for places that i want to, that i can at least choose my own place and not have someone decide for me-
although of course, if i have to go for the cheaper options, I'm afraid they wont be ok or safe.
I'm confused.

I guess I'm just glad that i have time to sort out the appeal still as the hotel- you can stay for as long as you need.

#28
Wife2,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
It sounds like you survived a really hard time, and worked really hard, and I'm glad a place of your own came out of it in the end.

I stayed at my dads when my X broke up with me over and over..and I spent christmases with him. Only, last year, i realised that i really didnt have anything to feel guilty about- when i decided to finally have christmas with my partner (now X), as i started with my Ts help, to see through my dads behaviour.

So, i could go back to his. I could have christmas at his.
I guess, i don't want to, and i realised i don't have to anymore. and No 2...with these fears that came up when i was retraumatised year before last, I'm afraid he will find out- he definitely will, if i can't sleep upstairs on my own when he's out, and if i cant go upstairs when he's out. I cant stand him locking the doors when he goes out in the evenings, i feel trapped.
and i can't sleep with the light off. Im more wary of him due to those things coming up, and with what T thinks and what we are talking about.

Basically, moving in with him is still an option i suppose. and it might be more comfortable (not emotionally) than being totally homeless. I just don't like either of the options.
And he was weird about me moving away. I moved slowly in with my partner  - now x, and he seemed to accept it more then. But he couldnt let me live my own life as he needed me there to offload to. So sure, I'm worried that if i go back there, he would pressure me to stay in my home town.
He made it clear that he wouldnt help me to move in the past, but said when i came to the refuge that he would help me sort out my place once i have one.

I dont want to leave my T either. Been seeing her for a year and a bit.
Being awake makes it harder for me. Better in a way, but much harder in another way, as i know that his behaviour is wrong and its scary to see it happening, and to be alone in everything.

Im going to talk to my T about all of this. Thank you so much for your suggestions and sharing your experience.
#29
 :hug: :hug:
#30
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Alone for the holidays
December 12, 2016, 02:51:21 PM
Hey Ruby,
Im sorry your are in so much pain. But i am with you.
Its here for a reason, and you have every right to feel it, but i know it sucks.
I wish that others could just understand and accept the pain you are in. That you didnt have to hide.
It seems that you are worried that people will see your pain?
It makes sense if we have been hurt in the past. There is a need to protect ourselves there.

I admire you wanting to make your xmas a better one, being with people, especially when its so difficult for you.
Im not sure what to say about the social anxiety, as i havent found anything that helps me yet.

Do you have a therapist who you can talk this out with? Who can suggest ways to cope-whatever you end up doing this xmas?
Or maybe there is somewhere else you could go to have lunch...if you feel you can eat..
It sounds like you could do with being taken care of yourself...I hope I'm not jumping to crazy conclusions here.
:hug: