Messages

Manchesterford, hugs 
I wish there was more that i could do.
Abandonment is so hard, and living in a town where you don't know anyone. Loneliness is hard.
Im so sorry about your mum.
Sometimes everything builds up to incredible amounts. I don't blame you for crying.

I am sorry that your partner left. It is so unfair to put in so much only to be left. You don't deserve to be abandoned.
Its not the same at all, but i want you to know that we are here for you, on the forum.

Hey Wife2, thanks for explaining what you meant.

That makes a lot of sense. I do think others would be shocked and not believe me if they knew the truth, because i never talk about it. But then again, if i did talk about it, they might dismiss and not believe etc.
It is crazy. She said its up to you what you do when you leave here, but they don't get that for some, this stuff goes way back which is why we ended up with a partner like that..
they are doing a course in how to spot different kinds of abuse, but they don't understand that even if a person like myself, doesnt have parents that are forcing you to go back to your X, they could still be ..disfuncitonal etc.

It was nice that you shared with me that you had a hard time too. It sounds awful.
Its so great that you managed to eventually get sorted, and i do hope you are happy with your living arrangements etc. now.

Thanks so much Sanmagic for all of the lovely things you said, and for your reassurance that it will be ok. 

I gave a homeless guy some money on the street today.
I didnt have much, as i only had a 20 and need to eat. I feel awful that i am thinking of myself first, but it comes with guilt.
I told him i was sorry that i couldnt give him much at all, and he said to have a good night. I could hardly speak, so i smiled, but he might not have known that.
I didnt want him to think that i see him as less of a person because i didnt reply to his wishes that i have a good night, but i don't see him as less.

Ive always cared about world issues, and did animal campaigning for a while.
My own issues came up a lot and I thought that whilst i still care, maybe i was trying to fix others lives as it touched a nerve somewhere deep in my sole. But i was distracted with therapy and hard stuff with my now X so i gave it a break.
But now with this fear of being homeless, i just care so much. I nearly cried when i left this dude, and i feel bad too, that i worry that ill be taken advantage of or followed, or demanded that i give them money if i give anything out, as i know what people can be like and its scary.
I understand their desperation. So i also feel bad about that.

Yesterday after our staff / volunteer xmas meal, i didnt know how i felt. Just tired and miserable.
And such anger. Anger at my X.
Angry that its raining and i have wet feet walking about as i cant afford to buy a pair of shoes that are not battered, and annoyed that i lost my belt for my jeans and with the weight loss, i need it but don't have the money to get one.
Hopefully can with draw from the bank soon- my cards on the way, but i don't have enough money to live on. If things weren't so complicated with family, maybe i could ask them for someone money, but i just cant.

I miss the small things, such as making sausage rolls at christmas, having mulled wine, and burning scented candles.
Xmas is brining up rage at my X, as i wouldnt be in this position if it wasnt for him- and my parents.
Ah..im done now.

Wife2, i was not expecting what you wrote at all. Thank you so much for your kind reply and wishes, they mean an awful lot.

Do you mind if i ask you what you mean, when you say that I'm trying to use proper channels in the system?
Thank you for giving me your insight to this ..situation I'm in. Sometimes its hard to see it.
It is strange that she *might* agree that we shouldnt go back to our X's, but doesnt seem to realise that most times, we get into those sorts of relationships because of our parenting.
She really doesnt know my story. For all i know, she could think that the therapy for issues to do with family (is all i said), is not to do with my dad.
But i wish she could think differently, and i wish so much that this service- the staff, had been educated on Cptsd.
They don't understand a lot of things ive come to understand, and I'm wondering if the staff are drawn to this kind of job for their own personal reasons, to do with their history - need to revisit their past, or to gain power over service users.
I thought there would be more understanding from a service like this, but its like the parents blaming again, and the people at the centre being flying monkeys for my narc X, seeing me as bad for simply going no contact.

Im so sorry to hear that you were in a bad situation. I really hope it doesnt go that way, and I'm just so sorry it happened to you.
I cant thank you for your support, and Im sorry that this stuff about society and the world is so depressing. It is, and its hard being awake. 

Oh Wife2, ...Well said. Well said. I completely agree.
All of it makes me so mad and is so triggering to me.
Perhaps it comes from being blamed despite being the one who was abused.
And it makes sense - Pete Walker, saying that peoples *mental health* problems, stem from Cptsd.
Its like...wheres the line? ie. you cant tell me how to treat MY child...
wheres the line?
Ugh.

Dee, im so so sorry to hear of what you went through and how you struggled so much and was so terrified and that you were taken advantage of. You should not have had to go through that.
It breaks my heart.
Im just reading about homeless shelters- should it come to that, and it explained why most don't use the shelters.
I am absolutely terrified of being victimised sexually, (a pattern of mine) which is why I'm scared to be just anywhere the council put me. Im scared of drunk men who come into Starbucks and start talking to me in the evening!
The world is such a sad awful place.

I have a visual impairment and am unemployed. The key worker said that might help find suitable accommodation.

I am not sure what is available.
Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time.   

I just need to speak of this as I'm freaking out. I hope thats ok.
Im in a refuge due to domestic violence by my X who I'm pretty sure is a narcissist or has high narc traits. I am here whilst i find my own place to live, only money has been an issue and i am on the case with that, its just taken so long- not from me but from the people who are helping me sort it out.

I was told tonight by my key worker that  i have 2 months to move out of the refuge- so i have until February as its now December.
I don't want to move back home, away from volunteer work and the kind people i do know and most important to me- my therapist.
When she left, i was just in floods of tears.

I told the key worker lady that I'm in therapy- as she needed to know if i had any extra support.
She knows that its to do with my past and with my parents. thats all i told her.
Yet she is still suggesting i live with my dad, cant understand why i might not go home to his for christmas etc etc.

The problems stated with my parents, so i don't want to go back there.
I was retraumatised last April and since then, i have had what my T thinks are flashbacks of things that happened to me as a child that I blocked out- mostly involving my dad.
I am afraid he isn't safe to be around, and since the retraumatisation , i cant be alone in a house with stairs and i cant sleep with the light off, i cant use the loo if know one else is in the house, I'm hypervigelant and terrified - my dad cant find out about this becasue he wont understand.
I would have to sleep down stairs when he is out in the evenings and that he would notice-
and he goes out with his partner (and works night shifts- not his fault)
despite me being home he is out with her so i would be alone.
And i now smoke and he would kill me if he knew. I need it at the moment to get by and i know i would smoke a lot living with him as its so difficult.
He also is physically inappropriate with me and drinks a lot. Im so mad that he let my mother abuse me and he is neglectful.
This is why I'm looking for a flat to live as i could choose one that i feel safest in- with out stairs.

I just don't want to be there, and I'm afraid my narc mother will know where i am if i go back there.
I don't know how i will start again in my home town which is so triggering.

I hope this fight - this difficult time in the refuge, after the break up with my X has not just been for nothing.
This is my worst fear and this is why, when the money issue was rejected, i stopped eating as i needed to get some form of control that at the moment, i do not have.

The lady said they will put me in a hotel if I'm not out by Feb, and then the council will put me anywhere as i would be declared completely homeless.
Im terrified of being victimised again sexually in a building / flat with men.
And I'm scared, frustrated and sad that i wont be able to go home to my own place after this hellish difficult journey that has recked my body and caused a lot of emotional pain.

Im terrified of what might happen to me and i have a huge urge to call my T, but i cant use her like that to offload to. I guess i just want someone to tell me that it will all be ok and to help me figure out what to do, because i don't know if i can do this on my own.
My parents are not supportive so I'm alone in the world, I'm sure you all understand that.
Maybe i can figure this out on my own, but i don't want to have to do any more hard work, i don't want to learn anything else from what happened. Ive tried to see the positives and the reasons that this happened. I just don't want to do anymore.
Im so tired and i will be devastated if i can't move into my own place.
Thanks for listening

aw, thank you so much radical.
Having you and you guys means a lot.
Rage does burn us up- your right there. And is very damaging to the body.
I hope you have a good day/night too, and thank you so much.
I hope your hanging in there ok too. 

With you Sanmagic. I think its a good idea to focus on relaxing etc. as you said. I hope you can grow new neural pathways etc. but if not, i hope you can enjoy a lot of the life you have left.
And i believe that some of your brain must have changed by now from you working on all that trauma.
I hope christmas is stress free and that you enjoy it.
It is very hard when you don't look sick, so i hope they can help you.

[shouldnt]

Twinkletoes, hope you don't mind me chipping in.
Im sorry this has been so hard. Therapy is hard.

My issue is that she said *you shouldnt feel guilty*, - i don't know if she worded it exactly like that. Where as, everything else seems ok.
Do you think that a small part of it wasnt transference but was about what she said, which could have reminded you of perhaps, invalidation as a child, being told what you should and should not feel?
Maybe she means that there is no need to feel guilty, but to you- there is, and that will take some time to stop feeling.
It is all at your own pace.
I would personally want to know what she means exactly by saying that you shouldn't feel that.
Do you think that if she rephrased things like that it would help you?
Such as, *I don't think that you HAVE a logical reason to feel guilty, as you havent done anything wrong to deserve feeling guilty,  ...but i understand that you do feel guilty*?

Hope you don't mind my suggestion.

This isn't a big problem in comparison at all.
I think it just has to do with the rage I'm surpassing, not through my own choice, just, there is know where where i can outlet it all.
Due to weight loss (unintentional, due to social anxiety, so not eating, stress, and maybe adrenal problems..)
i wanted to buy a new pair of jeans as al my jeans are hanging off me.
They fitted great and i was so excited i had finally found a pair.
Due to having no money, i didnt buy a purse -after loosing my purse and everything else in it.
Ordered a new bank card but accidnetly stood on my bag, leaving a crack in my bank card.
It worked fine- until today, so - i couldnt pay for the jeans. Had no cash.
And i was so angry.
I think my rage is to do with more than just this incident. Im just so over the money issue, - which has lead to other problems and not buying a purse to protect my card, and over the not eating thing, which has caused me to loose tones of weight leading to me needing new clothes that i cant afford.
Hopefully i can take money out from the bank tomorrow and order another card.
I wish i had someone to rant to sometimes, even if its only about the small things.

Yes same. I read that we all have each of them in us, and will respond (with one of the 4fs) at different times, with different triggers.
I guess its only natural to fight, and to run away if you can (flight), and if we couldnt do those in childhood we are still stuck in fight or flight. Even so, if you could fight or flight, you would still be stuck in it perhaps into adult hood..as the brain gets wired for that and the trauma might not have been dealt with.
Maybe we tried all we could as children. Fawning etc. so i guess we all have experience with all of them...
I think its very complex. We lean response too from whoever abused us, and we can internalise that response. With Dissociative parts too, parts of the abuser we have shut off in our minds can come out of us. ie. with a fight response.

Angry. Why would someone just assume that because I'm *young*- because of my age, that ive never thought about death.
*Oh, your too young to have thought about death*
And i know its them- not me..its their thinking.
Maybe they cant read me.
It just shows that my outside persona and keeping others at a distance via not sharing anything personal is working.
I wonder if anyone has ever stopped and thought, *humm...you know..i don't actually know ANYTHING about her*.
They don't know about my past and the secrets that never get to see the light of say. The things i struggle with.  i just don't think they would believe me as my outside self is so different from all th stuff i hide. from the real me. and they might hurt what they see.
Know one can see me. Its frustrating, because there's so much more about me than what others see on the outside.
But who cares? My X narcissist is starting to turn others against me, so maybe its just a matter of time until these people are all out of my life.
Things always come to and end anyway.
Thanks for listening.

thanks, sienna, for all your thought and care.  i don't know if any of that is what's going on w/ me.  cortisol was not the problem, it was a different hormone, but this doc didn't send me for any more tests, either, so there might even be others that are having problems being produced and doing what they're supposed to be doing.  and i know exactly what my a.f. is from - 30 years of being on high alert, day and night.  i was in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode all the frickin' time, all of which are taxing the adrenals.  i'm surprised they're not dead by now, actually.

Its ok.  I have heard from my own research on Adrenal Fatigue, that when the adrenals are knackered, they cant work to keep all the other organs of the body functioning well, and hormones can not be produced, insulin for the pancreas's, its al the body's way of compensating for damaged organs and demand on the adrenals...so they under produce / stop producing hormones or they over produce.  It may be like a domino effect, in which each system goes down in turn, or it may flip back and forth.
With adrenal fatigue, other systems start producing hormones etc. because the adrenals cant produce cortisol needed for energy...
ill stop rambling. Don't know if thats whats going on with you or not but that might be what they are talking about saying that there are problems with other hormones.

Sorry to hear your body didnt like the steroids. I hope they are giving you the right things, as i know medication further damages the adrenals.
And the immune system is already weakened by stress.
Seems silly that as you already have an infection..so why would they give you steroids?
I just hope you are in good hands.
Inflamation- adrenal fatigue and inflammation are connected as one of the *systems* the adranals can't keep producing is anti inflammatory responses.

Oh wait - you stopped the steroids! thats great.

i've been walking better all day.  my fighting spirit came out and took over.  someone asked in another post about motivation - mine was getting to the point where i needed to decide i'm just gonna wallow in illness or am i gonna change my attitude/perspective about it.  i'm not giving up or in yet, got ticked off about it all, and am gonna go at it my way now.  i've tried all the docs' ways and they haven't worked.  i've had it. 

Thats great, and also really hard. The body probably wants to wallow is what I'm thinking, but also needs curing. Being gentle with yourself i guess. Its no surprise to me that your motivation went. I know too, that adrenal issues and hormone issues- the domino thing...can cause depression.

so, a brighter day today.  all your warm wishes and prayers have lifted my spirit to the place it needed to be to be able to go at this yet again.

Sounds like you have a lot about you and i admire your strength. I really do reckon you can do this. You are such a fighter.

I am so glad to hear you are feeling a bit better when you wrote this. You are right, it changes every day.

Just in case you want it, hope its ok:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iERqD2XrUk