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When I was a child I had fantasies of climbing out the bathroom window, over the back fence and running away to live with my father. He died 14 years ago. I still deeply regret having been cheated out of the relationship we could have had. I'd wish you good luck, but what you need is a miracle. I hope you get one, for your sake and the children's.

I got up when the alarm went off, fed the cats, scooped the poop, fed the birds, watered the plants, got dressed in something I had on last week that never quite made it into the laundry basket, decided my hair looked just fine the way it was when I got up this morning and left for work without my daily carrot. My eyes are closing, closing, closing. I could sleep on my feet, I'm sooooooo tired. The only reason I even remember driving in this morning is because someone cut me off, triggering a panic response. That little squirt of adrenalin and cortisol is fading away and so am I. All I really want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. 

It's been a few days now since my doctor titrated me down to 25 milligrams. This weekend is the first time I've been able to thread a needle in over a year. I have such a mountain of mending to do. I feel so satisfied to finally be able to begin.

Sorry for my insensitivity and bad math. Two months ago I was complaining about my shrink when he told me I was sick, I had a disease and medicine was not going to cure me. Now I'm going through SSRI withdrawal and griping about that in another thread. In both instances everybody here has been very supportive. I should have followed their example. You're not the first to bring me up on charges of a lack of compassion. If only there was a pill I could take for that. I don't enjoy stepping on toes. I'm just unskilled.   

I think I mostly just got placebo effect relief from antidepressants. When the placebo effect wore off the doc would increase the dose 'till the side effects became unbearable. Then as now I'm the one stuck going through withdrawal. I hope I don't get fooled again. I'm journaling my current experience in the "SSRI Withdrawal" thread. I may go into details on previous prescriptions just to underline the lessons learned.[

I just took my last 50 MG dose of Sertraline. My doctor agreed to titrate me down to 25 MG QD. It's been suggested I might need to be placed on medication for bipolar 2. Until I get the Sertraline completely cleared out of my system I'm not making any further decisions about medications.

I had a similar experience with one of the most professional psychiatric social workers I ever hired. The document I asked her to read was not anywhere near as long as yours. Record yourself reciting your 7 page document. Did it take over 45 minutes? I paid my T one half what a session would have cost to read my document because I felt I contained valuable insight into my psyche, a depth of feeling I might have stumbled and mumbled out of all contextual semblance. For me it was worth it at the time. Now I understand when a T says you can send an Email, what they want is just a line or two not an essay. Keep her or leave her. No T is going to read 7 pages without being paid for her time. As I have said in other threads you are her client, customer, patient not her friend. This is one of the only places you can get away with posting a 7 page document and have compassionate responses without being charged for it.

since you are already into volunteering, try an animal shelter. Animals need to be socialized too. If someone does not take the time to show them people can be trusted, they will never learn to exhibit the behavior that will eventually get them adopted. Maybe you're a dog person, maybe you're a cat person. It doesn't matter, take your pick. You get all the oxytocin benefits from cuddling an animal in need and the satisfaction of making the world a better more loving place. https://youtu.be/35T8wtmTbVg https://youtu.be/Z2XJx3mpDU8 https://youtu.be/bG5fFI3eorg

The zombie nightmare sounds like something out of a video game. I'd wright it off as the influence of the media. You made the correct decision to not get a tattoo. The next time your x tries to "love bomb" you he might wind up like one of the zombies. Tattoos would make you that much more easily identifiable. Have fun with your cuz!

I feel like one massive raw nerve. I was so incapacitated this weekend. Friday evening I never showed up to my friend's birthday party. Saturday afternoon I blew off a standing luncheon date with a very dear friend. Sunday I turned down an invitation to spend Labor day weekend with another friend. I'm retreating into my own misery.

A hummingbird visited the garden where I volunteer and I totally failed to make a video of it for YouTube. Sunday I had a black swallowtail butterfly on one of my orchids. I was so out of it, I recorded the scene vertically instead of horizontally. I did not realize what I had done until later when I went to upload it. I shoved the crap pile on my kitchen table and heard the sound of a lovely flower pot my mother had made before she died, smash to pieces on the floor below. My internal critic went ballistic. I was painfully tired and went to bed in the early afternoon. Didn't get up to after 6:00 p.m.

Before I went to bed again Sunday I viewed an annoying motivational YouTuber. It's vaguely possible she may take credit for putting the suggestion in my head that I should get out of bed this morning. I was perhaps suggestible in my semiconscious state. One of the points she kept hammering on about was "Figure out what you want, and just do it!" Well I want to get off antidepressants, clean my apartment, hold onto my job, stop losing things and breaking things and reconnect with all my friends that I totally lacked the capacity to accommodate while titrating down off Sertraline and going through discontinuation syndrome, A. K. A. WITHDRAWAL! I don't really recommend her, but what the *, here's the link: https://youtu.be/Lp7E973zozc       

I'm calming down emotionally, the mental fog is beginning to thin a bit, but I'm still painfully fatigued and generally just feel like a wet blanket. This evening  I'm invited to a wonderful party at an eclectic venue with a very artsy and environmentally invested crowd. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to  promote the environmental event I'm hosting next week, but I'm tired now, first thing in the morning! For years now my one burning desire is to just go home and crash. I'm under doctors orders to socialize, but these same doctors only ever prescribe medications that have side effects of exacerbating my fatigue. I feel like my doctors are double binding me, setting me up for failure. I'm tired of titrating myself off this poison, going through faze after faze of emotional liability every time I drop the dosage down. This slow careful method of pulling the Band-Aid off one hair at a time sucks. I want to get it over with already. No doctor is ever going to talk me into taking any kind of antidepressant ever, ever again. Life is passing me by, while my doctors medicate me into a state of ever increasing inertia. A very tiny little spark of life wants me to go out tonight, tells me I'll regret it if I don't. A much larger lumpin part of me want's me to go home and go to bed right now and stay there forever. Maybe I should not be afraid of being locked up. I'd fit right in with the rest of the human lumps. 

I'm sitting at my desk at work today crying, feeling overwhelmed. My asthma is really bad. My various and assorted gastro-intestinal difficulties have me in pain. Last night My intercostals went into a spasm from *. It has still not abated this following morning. I chose to go back on Neurontin to deal with the physical pain. So today I'm in a Neurontin fog. I just got a notification that an unauthorized charge appeared on the company credit card I'm responsible for. In one hour I have to start taking dictation for our monthly meeting and I am totally unprepared. There's a great big fu*king train wreck going on between my ears.

For the past several weeks I've been titrating myself off the SSRI I've been prescribed. I'm journaling about it under SSRI Withdrawal.

I think I'm going to stick with 50MG QD of Sertraline for a bit. My eating habits are returning to the "Healthy Lifestyle" model. I'm making a point of going outside every day and getting some air. I'm easing back into physical therapy. I'm doing the early to bed, early to rise thing. I'm socializing. That's most of the good news. I'm still experiencing emotional liability, confusion, chronic fatigue, frustration and a pervading sense of futility. It's a * of a struggle but I am going through the motions of plausible competency.

Glad to hear progress is being made. Keep up the good work! I'm happy for you. I hope all works out for your betterment.