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I don't really agree that he is 'messed up'.

I think what is really going on with Richard grannon is that he is continuously researching and continually being presented with new information. That new information is always going to trump previous ideas. That on top of having an ever increasing following, he needs to find more and more ways to get this info out to a wider audience. It is a positive he is always coming up with new theories because we live in a world where mental health treatment has barely progressed or improved compared to other medicine. The people who are pushing for change are heroes in my view; whether he gets that info from an npd or not.

In saying this, I can totally see how you've been triggered by it all because I think every single person who discovers they have been abused by a narcissist goes through a 'narc hunter' phase where we obsessively hate these people. I went through a period of about 2 years where a good majority of my spare time was spent finding out as much as possible about narcissists. It wasn't completely useless...but it was extremely unhealthy.

It wasn't until the obsession subsided that I've finally been able to fully grasp the concept of emotional flashbacks.

I hope you spend more time on self help than narc hunting and don't waste 2 years on it like I did. You WILL be narcissist free if you focus on fixing YOU, and not others (please don't take offence to this...we have all been there)

Thanks three roses. I've only recently started making this kind of progress, for the last 2 years I haven't been able to accept this illness. now that I'm no longer fighting it the real progress is beginning.

I wouldn't worry about Richard Grannon. I think he has enough knowledge and healing to be able to handle himself. I think sams work is important to him and he values that information.

I do get really uneasy about Sam too (which I think is normal considering he's a sadistic psycho....not exactly a 'likeable' guy). I did pick up on a contradiction from Sam in Richards latest documentary. I don't beleive everything he says, but that's my opinion and has no factual basis. Another thing that bothers me greatly about Sam...he says in a video that he doesn't beleive people can change yet he has brought out a new therapy model. Um. What's the point there. I think enough people on the planet pay $180 per session to not change...but that's my hatred of mainstream psychology coming out.

But again, I'm no expert. I have no idea how sincere Sam is or what he's trying to do.

As for Richard grannon I'll always follow his work. You don't have to agree with everything that one person does to benefit from it. I hope that helps your need to save him a bit. I know you are only trying to care, and it's super sweet of you to want to protect him. But I think you should turn that need to protect inward to develop skills to protect yourself.

The point of the videos is to help YOU heal your issues. He's not asking for therapy from us. It's all about you; so take this time to self nurture and put yourself first. Self care is a step in the right direction to heal codependency.

I've been really coming along in leaps and bounds with managing my emotional flashbacks, however last night I posted in this forum and I didn't realise I was in an EF.

After doing some further journaling after reading my posts I noticed that me posting in this forum is actually a sign that I've been triggered.

It might seem really obvious but I had never noticed that me logging on to this site is a manifestation of my freeze response. Looking back on the posts I've done there is always a desperate tone to them. If I read the post a few days later, it's like it was never me that wrote it in the first place.

Anyway I wanted to share, because I assume a lot of other people do this too.

I feel like earlier posts were extremely unhealthy because I just needed someone to reassure me that I wasn't crazy. The post last night tho was really helpful and the person who replied actually helped me work through the ef. I think with this awareness I can now use this forum as a positive tool, not just a place to vent my negativity like I would in the past.

It's amazing how cptsd seeps into every single action.

Hey there,

I think most people will be able to relate to your post about feeling disconnected! I know for me I te d to self isolate, I also feel different when I am around others.

I've found the most helpful resources for me have been the spartan life coach YouTube channel (he specialises in recovering from npd relationships), running on empty book about childhood emotional neglect, and Pete walkers from surviving to thriving. I also have been doing schema therapy for about 2 years which is such a slow process but soooo worth it. I've also just recently been applying some dbt skills to help me manage emotional flashbacks.

I'm in no way 'healed' but each day I'm getting better at handling my emotions. I journal every time I catch a flashback now and am learning a lot about my triggers.

I hope you are feeling a bit less isolated and can use some of the resources. Cptsd is a tough pill to swallow. It took me about a year to accept my illness. You have come to the right place for support on your journey.

Hi three roses thanks so much for your reply!

Yeah my friend is so lovely. That's why I get frustrated at getting so upset over these things. I hate how even people being nice to me sets me off. It's just the humiliation of feeling abnormal and weird, and sensing that everyone else thinks I am weird too, so it is an emotional flashback. This one feels different to any I've picked up on before so I didn't really know what it was.

Wow...as I typed that I remember an exact moment in childhood where I was shamed for being 'weird' in front of a whole group of people. I felt so humiliated. I think that's what this is.

I feel like I have come a long way with this stuff. Now I know not to react, in the past I would have withdrawn from the friendship. Now I know to sit with the discomfort and not try and sabotage or distance myself from people who care. It's still tough tho. My brain still automatically goes to 'don't be friends with her' mode.

I can't believe the mental gymnastics we have to go through to function. What an emotional night it's been!

Thanks again, you've helped me heaps.

Wow I've been thinking about this a lot recently!

I was not sexually abused but have struggles with intimacy and cannot orgasm.

Mine is a deep seated shame over my whole being. I need to see a sex therapist but I'm so embarrassed.

Rosemarie I found your reply so helpful! Thanks

Hi guys,

It's been so long since I have posted here but I had a crisis tonight that led me back to seeking out support.

I was texting with a friend and i thought I'd try an experiment and reveal something personal about myself. I decided to let her know my struggles with severe anxiety. She replied with 'yeah your so anxious but I see through it and love you anyway'.

I cried for like an hour straight. I feel devastated to know that people can see how anxious I am. I don't know why it bothers me so much because I also have anxious friends who I love and can see the anxiety but it doesn't bother me at all.

I am literally in a shame spiral over this. Could it be an emotional flashback over feeling 'exposed'??

I just can't live with myself when I know my negative traits and problems are so evident. Like everyone knows how sick I am, but they hang out with me anyway. How do you deal with the shame over the person that cptsd has turned you into. The way I behave around people is so humiliating.

There's a verse in a hilltop hoods song live and let go that I feel describes recovery from narcissistic abuse perfectly (I don't know what the song is actually about)...

I pay homage to obstacles,
thin line between honour and horrible,
the healing heart knows that eyes must overflow,
tears clear the windows that guard the soul,
now let the water flow,
you can scrub the mud out of the land the blood out of your hands,
but you've still got to cleanse the heart that's trying to beat inside,
and it's only purified by the tears you cry.

You can fight all the devils and slay them,
but if you're made hard at the days end then they win,
there's only one force that can solve all this,
I want the warm heart that we all start with,
sometimes we march out, ball our fists,
I will give it all up for my softness,
you will never invade my holy place,
I let the tears dry on my face.

Genius.

Thankyou so much for your supportive replies!!

I struggle a lot with self defeating behaviours. Even reading back over my post, my confusion over simply feeling good shows how foreign the feeling is to me.

Another insight to bring up with my therapist.

I've almost finished the spartan life coach course I only have 3 days to go, but I'm going to do it again once it finishes because I can already feel myself going back to old habits with my thinking patterns.

Onwards for all of us Sanmagic!

Thankyou for your reply!

With cptsd it's always a few steps forward then a few steps back. The sad reality of that is that I never trust my 'highs'. When I feel like I'm getting somewhere I start thinking 'this is temporary' and just sit back and wait for the crash. I think that's why so many of us struggle to gain momentum.

I'm starting to think it might be the spartan life coachs course. I'm into my third and final week and damn I don't just feel good...or better...I feel absolutely unstoppable. I'm actually for the first time ever feeling some self worth. Some self respect. This is honestly unheard of for me. I'm a meek timid little people pleaser who always gets bullied. I've had a bully at my current job and just this past week I can just feel the dynamic changing. I'm firing back comebacks at her AND not dropping into an emotional reaction at the things she's saying. I can feel her backing off a bit. I don't function very well socially, but I'm starting to get a few colleagues on my side and one of them pulled me aside today and told me he'd had a word with the boss about what he's seen go on and that the boss is impressed with my work and doesn't agree with the horrible things this girl says behind my back.

Even now I'm not dwelling on what she's been saying behind my back. I'm not believing her words (my inner critic would have had a * field day in the past). I'm genuinely fighting my corner because I actually believe I'm worth fighting for.

I'm so happy and proud of myself. I just am so confused at the sudden change. I wanted to see if other people experienced transformation like this because I'm paranoid I'm having some kind of manic episode (I've never had mania before, so this paranoia could still be the inner critic at work?? Not sure).

Any thoughts?

I've started really trying to process my past trauma over the past few months and have been doing a lot of inner child journaling instead of trying to avoid my feelings.

Has anyone else tried the spartan life coachs new discipline course? I've also been doing this for about 15 days now.

I don't know if it's one of these or both of these but I noticed today that my inner critic has been significantly reduced. I feel different at my core in a way that I can't explain.

I just wanted to see what other people's experience was with either one of these methods of healing is. I really want to find out what's working so well and continue it.

I'm grateful yet dumbstruck at the power of these. For the first time ever I don't hate myself?? I'm no where near on top of cptsd but I'm just...different. Anyone else experienced something similar?

Splitting is when you love someone in the first stages of a relationship but then as time goes on you start to find faults with them and end up feeling resentment towards them instead of loving someone consistently despite their flaws etc. eg you could be totally obsessed with someone but then hate them after an argument or minor disagreement

So I'm still searching for a correct diagnosis. I don't know if I have bpd or cptsd. Sometimes I even think I'm npd. I'm very confused and I am making myself sick over this.

So apparently splitting is a bpd trait. I do this A LOT. Is it possible to still have cptsd and engage in push pull/splitting behaviours? I've also read that impulsivity is a bpd trait, but I've noticed that lots of cptsd sufferers have problems with addictions etc.

Any further info on splitting and how to not do it?

It really worked wonders for my impulse control issues. I no longer drink during the week and I've lost about 7-8kgs because I'm not reaching for food. Even when I do go for a binge session I don't eat whole packets of anything anymore...and junk food lasts longer in the fridge without me needing to eat it straight away. I think this was a mixture of neurofeedback and reading a book called brain over binge, I did put a lot of therapy work into my self control problems over the last year.

Aside from that my generalised anxiety is through the roof, I still can't concentrate, I'm very forgetful, and I suffer social anxiety which did not improve in the slightest. I can't handle stress and I feel very very emotional, very up and down. Of course, romantic relationships are non existant. None of these are new problems, I was just hoping the nf would settle them down a bit.

Did you end up getting any more neurofeedback Kizzie?