Hi everyone, first of all, thank you all so much for your responses. I love this community and how compassionate and supportive everyone is, I hope to be more active and show my support more around here as well. *hugs to you all* who said you have similar struggles.
Here is an update on this situation.
For a while, the problem sort of went away, because me and said coworker were working on different things. But I knew it wasn't fixed forever. We started a new project recently, and as expected, the bad behavior resumed. I noticed that he would often interrupt me in the middle of my points specifically by saying "no no no" in an argumentative tone, and then go on some tangent to patronizingly explain something to me that I already knew. He automatically jumps to the assumption that I lack knowledge, and that things need to be explained to me, because he won't listen to me fully and understand what I'm actually trying to say.
Since my last post, something new happened in my team. The aforementioned female ally and I had pushed for regular meetings where we discuss how we are doing as a team (this is part of a normal process for engineering teams). After this past week of meetings that went badly for me, triggering schema attacks and a high level of anxiety, I decided to bring this issue up in our team meeting. It's obvious at this point that it wasn't effective to just tell my boss, and I still didn't feel like I could just tell this coworker privately (and I still have doubts whether that would be effective anyway). Everyone else on my team is cool, and I felt that it was a safe space where they would have my back, and also, I probably wasn't the only one who noticed there was a problem. I thought we'd all benefit from the discussion, and I planned to be as positive as possible: state the problem, use "I feel," suggest a behavior change, phrase it in terms of the benefit we would all get from positive communication as a team.
I was so nervous this morning that I was shaking and couldn't eat my breakfast, knowing that I'd have to bring it up in front of him. He would definitely know I was talking about him, even though I didn't name anybody. But I said my piece. I was specific, and said how being told "no no no" in the middle of what I'm saying makes me feel invalidated, frustrated, and flustered, and shuts down my ability to communicate, as well as all my other points. A couple of other people thanked me for bringing it up and said it was a good point, and then continued with their thoughts. The coworker in question didn't say much about it, then he quitely turned to me and said, "I wish you had told me directly."
Ultimately, I feel validated by my team, and I'm so grateful that they supported me today. One guy even messaged me afterwards to give me kudos for saying it, and we had a good conversation about it. I still feel a bit unresolved because the coworker didn't really take any responsibility for his actions. An apology would have been nice, not that I'm surprised I didn't get one. But I think the behavior will change. If coworker's behavior doesn't, the rest of the team's will, and it will be harder for him to carry on acting this way.
I spent the last 3 or so days in so much anxiety that I think my body is still full of the stress hormones, although it's dropped off a lot. And I still find myself slightly preoccupied, replaying the conversation from today. But I feel better, and the anxiety is a lot less. I hope I can get some sleep tonight.
Here is an update on this situation.
For a while, the problem sort of went away, because me and said coworker were working on different things. But I knew it wasn't fixed forever. We started a new project recently, and as expected, the bad behavior resumed. I noticed that he would often interrupt me in the middle of my points specifically by saying "no no no" in an argumentative tone, and then go on some tangent to patronizingly explain something to me that I already knew. He automatically jumps to the assumption that I lack knowledge, and that things need to be explained to me, because he won't listen to me fully and understand what I'm actually trying to say.
Since my last post, something new happened in my team. The aforementioned female ally and I had pushed for regular meetings where we discuss how we are doing as a team (this is part of a normal process for engineering teams). After this past week of meetings that went badly for me, triggering schema attacks and a high level of anxiety, I decided to bring this issue up in our team meeting. It's obvious at this point that it wasn't effective to just tell my boss, and I still didn't feel like I could just tell this coworker privately (and I still have doubts whether that would be effective anyway). Everyone else on my team is cool, and I felt that it was a safe space where they would have my back, and also, I probably wasn't the only one who noticed there was a problem. I thought we'd all benefit from the discussion, and I planned to be as positive as possible: state the problem, use "I feel," suggest a behavior change, phrase it in terms of the benefit we would all get from positive communication as a team.
I was so nervous this morning that I was shaking and couldn't eat my breakfast, knowing that I'd have to bring it up in front of him. He would definitely know I was talking about him, even though I didn't name anybody. But I said my piece. I was specific, and said how being told "no no no" in the middle of what I'm saying makes me feel invalidated, frustrated, and flustered, and shuts down my ability to communicate, as well as all my other points. A couple of other people thanked me for bringing it up and said it was a good point, and then continued with their thoughts. The coworker in question didn't say much about it, then he quitely turned to me and said, "I wish you had told me directly."
Ultimately, I feel validated by my team, and I'm so grateful that they supported me today. One guy even messaged me afterwards to give me kudos for saying it, and we had a good conversation about it. I still feel a bit unresolved because the coworker didn't really take any responsibility for his actions. An apology would have been nice, not that I'm surprised I didn't get one. But I think the behavior will change. If coworker's behavior doesn't, the rest of the team's will, and it will be harder for him to carry on acting this way.
I spent the last 3 or so days in so much anxiety that I think my body is still full of the stress hormones, although it's dropped off a lot. And I still find myself slightly preoccupied, replaying the conversation from today. But I feel better, and the anxiety is a lot less. I hope I can get some sleep tonight.