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Ditto.
I redid the test a couple of weeks ago and I was INFP.
Years ago the result said INTP

I've had a lot of this in my life too.  I don't experience anywhere near as much these days and I think it is simply because I'm nowhere near as easy to shame. 

Some people seem to live to dump on others.  They are actively looking for people they can unload their bad feelings onto.  Often it will be onto those who are members of marginalised groups, but day to day it's just about identifying anyone who will 'wear' it. Those who seem unconfident, eager to please or ill at ease tend to be go-to people, but it is about how the target rfeacts that 'marks their cards'.  Do you cringe and shrink into yourself (even momentarily) when someone puts you down or is your focus immediately on them?


I have an acronym I try to remember and it is based on some workshops someone was running for women after the me too movement meant that women started talking about not knowing how to handle being bullied or harrassed.  One of the principles was that is someone makes you uncomfortable, focus on them not on yourself.  Maintain eye contact if you can.

The acronym is; Abuse? Knocked Off Balance?  Focus Outwards,  Return 'U' Statements Hold Your Power -  A KNOB FOR US? - HYP  or just HYP FOR US . 

The idea is that dominators and bullies etc. turn us against ourselves when we focus on ourselves in response to their behaviour.  If someone is hurtful or insulting it should cause us to focus on them not ourselves.  You don't even have to respond with the slightest aggression.  Asking a 'you' question that is irrelevant like "where did you get that shirt"?  in the moment is better than responding with any 'I' statement.  The idea is to put the focus on them, so in response to insulting you you are both focusing on them.

don't know if this helps.

This is such a hard and painful place to be.

I know I've lived through my version of what you are describing and some similar version seems to be almost a rite of passage in recovering from CPTSD.  It sounds like you are doing incredibly well in extremely difficult circumstances.  I don't have time for a longer reply but I want you to know that your post touched my heart because I've been there.


Please don't believe the cruel words in your mind that are telling you that you are worthless.  In fact you have been so courageous that you are proving the very opposite of those words.

Yeah, familiar.

I am comfortable on my own.

My advice, be careful that what you think is a 'pity invite' isn't one of four other possible other things


An awkward but genuine attempt to re-establish contact';

A guilt invite in which the inviter knows they have not done right by you, or that others have seriously wronged you and they didn't speak up, and they therefore feel an obligation that is not primarily based on pity.

An invite in which the inviter wants to continue to be connected with you, but would prefer to not be with you when you are feeling bad but feels that it would be wrong to ignore you until you become more comfortable company for them.

And a straightforaward invite which you have miscontrued.

Always wishing you well Contessa

Hi Ah,
My understanding of boundaries is that they don't mean we help or empathise only when there is something in it for us.

In the same vein,  my understanding of co-dependence, especially from my own problems with it, is being aware of trying to care for myself through caring for others.  When I was growing up, being relatively uncared for and at the mercy of abusive caregivers meant that caring for them, being hypervigilant about their needs and feelings was the only way I could care for myself.  When I grew up I repeated that pattern and it is very appealing to those who are less able care about others' needs and feelings.  It is also quite unappealing to people who prefer to relate in more healthy, balanced ways.

One of the things I've come to understand for myself, is that as much as it is obvious that people who are excessively narcissistic are unable to participate in healthy reciprocal relationships, what may be less obvious is that codependent repsonses to abusive upbringings render codependent people equally unable to participate in equal reciprocal relationships.  It isn't about giving and caring being a transaction in which we give and care for what we can get out of doing so, it is about feeling and knowing that we matter and we need to receive caring, so if the pattern of our relationships is either giving or receiving with little reciprocation there is something wrong.  Relationships in the long term are healthiest and most fulfilling  for both parties when they are mutually beneficial overall, with caring, giving and receiving going freely in both directions.

I can spend way more time on the net than is healthy for me.  Screen time can be addictive for me.  I'm not talking about this site, just being absorbed by the screen.

I love OOTS,  find it safe, supportive and really well moderated.  But being a part any support community has risks for people with CPTSD.

I find I need to be self aware about how I feel and not feel responsible for other people.  I know how I feel when I get drawn-in in an unhealthy way, or triggered.  I moderate how much I'm invoved so it works for me.  I dont even try to read everything.


One thing that s good about OOTS is that nether co-dependent nor 'holding court' behaviour is encouraged.  And most regulars understand how much we all need to look after ourselves.

edited to fix errors - very tired

[you are doing so well]

This process with CPTSD - it's really hard.  Sometimes it feels like it is ridiculously hard.  It's why we need each other for support. Because you are doing so well. 

After every negative message you've been taught, after every need that went unmet, after abuse when you were most vulnerable and most needed attunement and love, after every damn thing, you are getting out there and doing it and feeling it, getting knocked, picking yourself up and doing it and feeling it again.  That takes guts, that takes stamina, that takes resilience, Phoebes.

That's more than okay, that's brilliant!

Also agreed.

It is essential to have and enforce boundaries.  Good for you.!   But these are often not popular, particularly in the short-term.

What I find is that I need to be learn to handle people not being happy with me.  Fawning and appeasing for so long meant I had little experience of dealing with people not liking what I did and said in the short term, but plenty of experience of not being respected and treated as a doormat long-term.  I think people who are well-used to having boundaries are also well-used to how other people respond to boundaries and disliking things they do and say generally.

Friends, neighbours, people disagree, get snarky.  Ususally they get over it.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful and I relate to the feeling.  If your friend doesn't, come round with a bit of time and space it is a good indication about them, it may have saved you some grief in the future.

Making friends is hard and it is a bit of a numbers game in the sense that most people we get to know don't become close friends, and that goes for everyone

if you feel uncomfortable about the word 'abusive' how about 'controlling'?


I've come to feel that it's okay to have expectations and bottom lines in relationships of all kinds and to communicate them.  if you need your partner to show some minimum of approval, acceptance, sensitivity to your feelings etc.,  that's good. 


I don't know about you, but learning I have these rights, and others have the same rights and negotiating to be happy and connected has been important to me and is healthy, imo.  We have the right to be treated with kindness and respect and to walk away, or increase distance in all our relationships where we feel we aren't.  People who grew up valuing themselves do this automatically, probably often without thinking about it much.  I suspect they are much less likely to get too close until they are sure the other person is consistently behaving this way.  If the other stop or becomes unkind and unsupportive etc., they respond to that, rather than letting it ride.

There's a lot in there to let out.
I wish people had been kinder and life had been easier.
I'm proably not much use but I want you to know I hear you and I care.

i'm so sorry  Dee.

You don't deserve this andf she doesn't deserve to have a beautiful sister. 

Is it time to let her go?

Sending all my love

I'm so sorry, Contessa.

This must hurt so much.  It is a betrayal and the pain of betrayal is like no other.
I don't know why, but this seems to be a part of the way it goes for people like us.  But like a reading a book it is just where you are up to in life right now.  Please remember it is not the whole story    Please hold fast and believe in yourself and your future.  Being able to find a way to do so at times like this takes huge strength of will, I know, but you are worth investing all your strength and courage.  If you can't find it right now, I know you will find a way, so just be as kind as you can to yurself.

Also, I don't know why, but i know the world needs people like us, it needs you and me with our raw pain, somehow, for some reason.


Wishing you peace

Dear Contessa
I regret that I didn't acknowledge how you must be feeling. I let you down and I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
I believe in you.  Your voice has meant so much to me at OOTS.  I see you as wonderful and wise.
But you were expressing suffering and feeling lost (if I read you right).  I know how that feels for me.  I'm really sorry I failed to respond to your feelings.  I care about you, you've been on my mind.  I wish I could do something to make this easier for you,  I wish I could be with you and maybe provide some reassurance.

Sending love across the ditch

Meant by who?

I can't think of anything more subjective than whether we have a place, a point and a role in this world.

I know how the pain of feeling not belonging or fitting-in  and not finding a place that feels like I was "meant" to occupy.  But now that feeling has evolved into an uncomfortable freedom, a knowing that this is the truth, was always the truth, that familiarity was a trap for me, and escaping from that trap means moving into not knowing, and that is really hard.  But it has the advantage of unexpected rewards and depths that were never possible because I needed to see and understand differently - to change.

Contessa, I believe you are further forward than you realise.  Losing your bearings is a bit like needing to leave the bank to cross a river, to get to the other side.  I can't say that our journeys are the same, or are taking us to the same place, but I believe that continuing on with the path you are on will start to make an unfamiliar kind of sense soon, and you will know you were meant to move, that this is about changing, and you will be so glad that you didn't find a place to stay the same.

sending love

This takes so much courage.

You are choosing your own health and that of your own family.  No-one chose to care about you when you needed care and protection more than anything.  The important thing is that YOU are choosing it now.  Please don't underestimate how hard it is to choose to care for yourself now, in the circumstances, or the invaluable rewards of finding the strength and power to validate yourself, your suffering, your value, your needs and your importance now.

It is so good to understand and to allow the future to be open.  Whatever happens, 'groundhog day' will be over as soon as you  are able to validate yourself, and to stop seeking validation, security and love from the source of invalidation, danger and callous disregard.

I wish this was a much gentler process.  Please keep seekiing support as you walk through this.