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Hallo there. I once told a friend that if I ever found the perfect relationship I was going to quit it. "Why?" they asked. "Because I'd only spoil it" came my punchline. I think we place on others a burden that only we ourselves can discharge; to bring our happiness into being. Of course one cannot or should put up with glaring imperfections and damaging flaws! But, as they say, no ones perfect and no one else can *make* me happy. That's an inside job. I'm lucky now to have a marriage where I seek to share the happiness I have rather than my previous modus operandi kicking in. Which was to sit on top of the relationship and suck out the happiness like a co-dependent vampire I was.

Yes, I'm not a perfect husband and my wife isn't the perfect wife. We argue about physics and drink just a bit too much wine (but never to drunkeness). She can be sarcastic to a breathtaking degree and I can be practically dysfunctional to the point of inflicting mental pain on the poor woman. But we are so lucky because we just ask ourselves to be friends and take responsibility for our own happiness. The better to then share it.

This condition has cost me so much in relationships. So much. But has it made me mindful of getting and keeping it right.

I hope I haven't come over smug or anything. Nowt worse than "you're down so listen to how together I am" but if I'm to talk about relationships whilst in a relationship I suppose I run that risk. If I have annoyed you on that count, please forgive me. I just wanted to illustrate my points with a practical example.

I'm so glad that you have found some respite. The forum's not called "Out of the Storm" for nowt! Trust is a precious gift and I had to learn to be wise with it in the case of people. But discovering Out of the Storm was a major step forward in gaining confidence that progress is not just possible but enhanced by the courage and honesty of so many who have suffered stuff that stuns normals. Well to be honest it stuns me too. How people can be so screwed up as to create so much pain in a childs life is beyond me, and I've seen it close up! But there is so much more to us than what we may presently believe and that alone is wonderful. I am very, very happy you have found us :-) and we, you. 

 

I have finally stopped shaming myself for my at home behavior.

Wow. There in a nutshell the division between outside and indoirs alone behaviour.

I am delighted you have found this corner of the net Fairyslipper. "Rarely are members of the same family born under the same roof" - Richard Bach. I was also astounded when I first read others experiences that mirrored my own. It was and still is a big help to me to know we are not alone. To be inspired and to also help lift those of us who need it from time to time. Glad you made it here :-)

The horizon is that place where the earth meets the sky. A wee sparrow with a lump on his head told me.

Some things, like your ex boyfriends anger cannot be kept and happiness ensue. It is so easy after the event to focus in on the good things that have been lost rather than remembering why we chose the path you did. Deadwood is tough to shake out of the tree because some always falls on your head. But them's the rules. I expect I may have recommended "when things fall apart" by Pema Chodron before. But please forgive me if I do so again. Given the loss that cptsd peeps accumilate around ourselves or have inflicted on us I think it should be de riguer reading! I hope you finf deep consolation and comfort in the many small but wonderful things of life...as well as in the bigger stuff too. Don't want to see a friend hurt.

Hello Pippapop,

I have read through your posts and firstly, welcome, and secondly well done for breaking free. If ever you need proof of your strength and capability, there it is.

I am so very tired at the moment so cannot reply at any length, but please, please keep in touch. I have found this to be a wonderful, supportive, non judgemental space full of deeply understanding and kind people who totally get it. I very much would love to see you around! Sorry I can't be more helpful but my eyes are closing as I type.

Hello useyourwords

Sounds depressingly familiar...I grew up around born again Pentacostle Evangelical speaking in tongues madness. My much older brother was chronically schizophrenic; so we both ended up having the exorcisms. Basically well meaning but utterly lost people who had no idea of the extreme damage they were causing. The disruption of constantly moving from one house to the next on a constant basis...Perhaps if I had believed I might have had an easier time...anyways...

I have found, that over time and consistent (but gentle) effort with a particular practice based on acceptance and forgiveness of horrendous thoughts and feelings, I now have two heads in one. One is my traumatised brain, spewing out trauma, doubts, anger, fears, uncertainties, "the whole bloody lot" The other is my mind, watching it all and realising that none of the hurt and the pain and the horror and the crap are my enemies to be fought against, to be on a war footing with. Rather they are my wounds, to be treated with love, compassion and insight.

So seeing them differently helps me detach from the traumatised brain with the neural pathways from *. Because before it was instant war, no questions asked.

I realised that I always had a relationship with my thoughts and feelings and changed the nature of that relationship to become their healer and not remain their enemy. They pop up umpteem times a day and I have learned to be loving and kind to them umpteen times a day.

Which is why I have two experiences in one head, the trauma (brain) and a loving, compassionate response to it (my mind).

It is *slowly* and I mean slowly beginning to open up gaps between attacks, and the severity of the attacks are a little less, after several years of applying gentle but persistent effort. But even as it stands, to have that space between "brain" and "mind" is so helpful. I may never reach the end of it, could be run over by a bus tomorrow. But in my own way I have discovered that Love is the answer that I have come across, and whatever happens, happens. There are as many approaches as there are people with CPTSD! I certainly have great respect for them all and in our right to choose what's best for us!

But welcome to a kind, non-judgemental space and I hope you feel at home here. Flooky

Hello Mourningdove

After over 30 years (and a misdiagnosis of personality disorder) I got a diagnosis of PTSD about 18 months ago. Sent me off the not too steady just about coping rails a bit. *Somehow* came through that, but it was only when I came across the C that everything fell into place; reading through this forum and understanding the experiences of others was also a massive step forward for me as well in understanding exactly what I have.

I can hardly believe I spent so long thinking that my trauma was just a part of silly old me...and not a condition that could be treated, although the journey be long and often hard, thank God there is a journey to speak of. Because without it life would be a lot harder and a lot less meaningful. May as well have a hard and meaningful time than a hard and meaningless one. Having said that it isn't all as hard as we fear, there are better times too. Having the diagnosis and the precision of knowing its CPTSD sets ones compass, and that is such a powerful thing. We can be resolute in our direction although gentle in our application. For me it's a balance, too much confrontation with the box of abusive frogs leaves me exhausted and confused. Not enough work on them leaves me just treading water. The Chinese have an ancient maxim, be gently penetrating. Don't stop pushing, but beware of overdoing it or under doing it. Gentle means gentle and penetrating means progress. But that's just me, others will have their own ways and means and that's fantastic.

I haven't been here that long but have found this place to be an extraordinary, non judgemental, supportive, warm and helpful community of people who really *understand* as we have all, and are still living it. We have had the trauma and are living with the trauma but helping each other, the best we can, to grow beyond it. I have learned that there is a life beyond diagnosis and it isn't always a bed of roses, but it is such a better life than before.

Hello Stella, I have just massively edited my initial post on this thread as I got a bit mixed up between threads and wrote a lot that was relevant to another thread, not this one! So if you had read my previous post and thought it nice but somewhat irrelevant there is something (I hope) more relevant in it's place!

Hello Trees, Rain...

It is such a wonderful analogy because it refuses to break down. Eventually most analogies break down and cannot truly reflect 100% the principle it seeks to clarify. But somehow this one doesn't. I learnt it off a Buddhist nun and it has always stayed with me. On a slight tangent she also quoted the Buddha..."why cover the whole world in leather when you can wear a pair of shoes?" Which is a lovely way of saying that we can try and rearrange our external circumstances until the cows come home to try and be happy, and never get to the end of the task (covering the world with leather) or we can develop our heart and minds in order to become happy (wear a pair of shoes) which is a far more elegant and practical way of experiencing leather beneath one's feet. Lovely saying.

I've been finding sorrow less frightening, even rewarding (a lightening of the burden), since coming to OOTS.

It's what and you and all of us are here for, treefroot :-) having understanding people around makes such a difference.

Perhaps take a walk into nature and then 'smudge' and cleanse the experience of walking in nature with fire and sage at an appropriate time in the walk?

Sometimes we have to burn bridges, other times people are kind enough to do it for us.

The problem is, the sessions always begin with something like "even though (fill in the blank), I completely love and accept myself."

I just can't get past this. It's actually triggering to me.

If I may come at this from another angle...not that the previous posts have not have been helpful or even sorted this out entirely!

Is the keyword here "myself" - if we are taught that we are worthless, bad, wrong...by endlessly being judged, condemned and attacked, then being "ourselves" is equivalent to being "wrong". If the "myself" is the one that was judged then accepting it you are, by association, accepting the criticism and hostility to that self; and thus rejecting it immediately via a triggering.

Obviously this is just off the top of my head...

It is an excellent thread, and I'm grateful for it being here myself. Clarified stuff for me.