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Topics - Contessa

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31
Successes, Progress? / Didn't come close to crying
« on: December 16, 2017, 01:19:41 PM »
Long story short: met a lovely wonderful man. My kind of man. We just clicked. Our feelings for each other were mutually expressed. I was in a state of calm with him. He was a real keeper.

He broke up with me, so with a smile I said (not verbatim), "Sure! Do what you need to! Tata."

Then without further ado I turned on my heel and walked away. Then started reading articles on my phone while I waited for the train home.

It's a shame. But there is no sadness or devastation at my end. I don't feel numb, or shock. It is what it is. I wouldn't have broken up with him, but whatever. He made the decision. It's been a few days and I am doing better than okay.

Cool!

32
Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / "Get better"
« on: October 11, 2017, 03:09:34 AM »
Heard this one again.

Such an interesting pattern: A person pushes and pushes you to the brink of, or to an actual, trigger. Cptsd or not, what they do is so unnecessary and so easily avoided.

You have to stop what you're doing, pull back. Something any self loving person would do. They say "get better".

They will never get that we are not ill. They will never see that they are the ones inducing the stress. They will never admit they are being unfair.

33
Anniversaries / My Day for Celebration
« on: October 01, 2017, 12:24:35 PM »
Hi All,

I forgot all about writing this up, wasn't in my thoughts. Which is good really. But I wanted to share the idea that last week I had an anniversary. A bad one. One year to the day after it happened, I was a mess. Each minute of that day was excruciatingly long, and the gut wrenching, brain ticking was not ever going to abate. But I did have a friend or two lined up to mark the day as something different.

Several years have past. But after that first year, I decided that I was taking that day back. I was going to be a positive day. If that day is forever marked as "that day", I can use it to recall the many other day's i've had in between. A day to stop, take note of where I was, and see how far I had come. Just take a minute to do it. And I've got several friends in on it too. It was hard, because it was unfortunately still a very negative day for several years with subsequent traumas overshadowing the good.  But I think it is finally turning into a good day.

It seems to work for what actually happened that day. I wouldn't do it for some other things, and have never though of it for them. But it's tremendously empowering for this. It was the first day of the next several years of * for me. It's nice to be able to mark it differently.

If this is a useful idea for anyone else, maybe think about giving it a go if appropriate.

34
Successes, Progress? / Brain Battle
« on: September 29, 2017, 02:34:28 AM »
Hello All,

I'll start by apologising for creating new posts and responding to few. I figure if I start a new post, I can blabber on all I like without response should it be, or offending anyone with an ill thought out reply - not long now till my ridiculous work load drops off. I do intend to give other posts the time and manners they deserve...

So I am not sure if this has been spoken about before, but has anyone else noticed their brain going into 'battle' with itself with recovery? I don't mean anything despairing, but maybe the neurons are starting to fire back up with the clearing fog.

A couple of weeks ago the stress got so high that anxiety kicked in, emotionally charged thoughts started to churn, my behaviour got erratic... but a few days later actual rational thought started to slip in there - it wasn't pushed intentionally, but just started to make its way in. Like in the olden days.

Last year, it was more like a battle, now the rationality is calming. Maybe it should be renamed to something else.
Anybody else had this?

35
General Discussion / Work stress and Triggers
« on: September 13, 2017, 02:24:33 AM »
Hello all  :wave:

I have been working on a large project, and hace managed to keep myself mentally in check throughout.

It has been frought with problems, which I have been tackling as they come. There has been a lot of troubleshooting, too much, and now everything is piling up close to the deadline.

I have been keeping my anxiety in check by using my time and energy to resolve issues rather than stress over them. But it has tipped over.

I have made progress, but there is no way i'll make the deadline. I have been working day and night, multitasking (i'm proud of myself with this one), and working weekends. But I despite this the work keeps getting further behind.

I'm now getting sleep deprived, headaches, and intrusive thoughts. My mind is not in a fog, nor am I lethargic or shutting down. But i'm beginning to get distressed and I do feel triggered.

Right now i'm level enough to recognise it, it is work induced and not trauma induced. But I can feel it coming. And I know it's the continual reduction of control that is doing it

36
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Hello again
« on: September 10, 2017, 06:52:07 AM »
 :heythere:

It's been a long time since we've spoken!

Life has had its regular ups and downs which I have been rolling with and taking care of. I have been practicing how to deal with them, and re-learning and remembering my old strategies and mechanisms.

But today, the first in a long time, I have been sleeping and crying all day. Not because I have been triggered, but because by sheer good fortune I met a guy. A good, respectful, caring guy. We really enjoy each other. We know we do, and we want to keep doing it.

Neither of us were looking, but we found each other. And it has been a tremendous, happy couple of months for the both of us.

But he has just come out of another relationship, and he needs to heal. He knows it, and I know it. So we can't be together despite how much we want to be. And I have to give him time and space to heal.

I am devastated.

This is not the end of the world, and not a permanent situation. But for a little while my demons were behind me. I think they still are, but I finally found a selfless, caring guy. Of both himself and me. We both recognise how happy we are when we see each other, but we cannot be with each other.

We have spoken a lot about this. And his behaviour also shows that I am not being played with here.

This is the devastation. After years of abusive relationships, you find an incredible human who thinks the very same of you, and you want to hold on to them. But to do so right now would not be good for either of you.

37
Sorry to be very out there with this, but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly fixated on the year I was in a relationship where I was repeatedly raped by my boyfriend. That was essentially the entire relationship.

And how my family don't talk to me but think he is great.

38
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Feeling Low
« on: June 24, 2017, 03:55:38 AM »
Having a low day/week/month.

Starting to get into a rut. Still haven't figured out what I can do about it. No motivation.

Just don't feel right.

39
General Discussion / i pity the fool
« on: June 07, 2017, 11:12:42 AM »
Note though, absolutely nothing he has done is excusable. And I think that is why I pity him.

He caused the chaos, he was found out, and given that things are getting better for me... he was clearly delivered some consequences.

Whatever is or has been going on inside of his head must be terrible. Now he's had to deal with being found out. He deserves whatever he gets, and that is why I feel sorry for him. My life now has a chance to get better, while for him the cycle will begin again somewhere else.

Oh well. No longer my problem.

40
General Discussion / Still a way to go
« on: June 05, 2017, 03:12:19 AM »
Hi all,

It's been a while. Have recently, finally, stopped 'fighting' for my place in life. I can now just do and be. But I haven't 'been' for so long, I don't know how anymore.

Having a go a immersing myself into some basic social interaction, and it is weird.

I think I am weird. I have missed out on so much these last few years, I finally went out last night to just be involved in a festival going on in my city right now. Just a general thing but, my city has changed so much. I am not familiar with it, and I haven't even gone anywhere! I would have gone to this event over the years had I belonged to any group of people to do it. I know, because I thrived on being involved soaking up life, I made sure to include people who might like what was happening; staying at home was a confidence killer for me, and I was mindful of other's who might feel the same.

I also have very little to actually talk about, so when I talk to people, I say weird things! I do think I sound very idiotic. I'm also very physically tired.

I keep reading - and this is something that I used to live by - that you control your life and how you live it. I did not choose to skip six years of living. I asked for help in the beginning, and I was rudely told to * off. I did not choose this, and now I'm feeling a bit annoyed again. I have to learn how to be with people again. I am really annoyed about that.

41
General Discussion / Reputation Repair
« on: May 07, 2017, 07:30:51 AM »
Hi all,

This is a spinoff thread to the one called "surviving character assassination". Things have gotten better, but there is still some awkwardness. I have spent months "doing nothing", and now I just want to address things and get them out of the way.

So given that people like to get in on other people's business, I've decided to write a letter for everyone involved to read. I plan to put this on Facebook first thing Monday morning, but i'd like to share it with you first.

The letter here is long, sorry. And when I share it on my wall I'll delete it here. Time to take control of this mess.

------------------------------*

Apologies. Have decided not to wait, and have deleted the letter. Will let you know if anything happens.

42
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Positivity Planner
« on: April 29, 2017, 10:14:10 PM »
Okay, the title sounds a bit 'clinical' but it's in he spirit of the idea.

Elphanigh has started something big, and it is so good :) I don't want to stop at just three good things a day.

Many of us will probably have a journal where we write about our traumas and all the trials that come with it. I do, it has been cathartic and helped organise those troubling thoughts. I have been thinking though, the cover of my journal looks very pretty, but I don't ever want to read what's in it. I've got it all out of my head, I don't really want to trigger myself. It's a shame because the cover makes me smile.

My book for three good things a day is tiny and much thinner in comparison to the journal. You know what? I want the good things to outweigh the bad, give them more of my attention, and enjoy opening a book with a pretty cover.

Enter the 'positivity planner' (or something more creative), a book or folder which is all about me. I'll write three good things on each day. Set myself little goals and give myself a reward for completing them. I'll doodle in it. Stick in photos or beautiful art. Write down important dates for hobbies, people's birthdays, create sections for my loves (maybe i'll have one for the doodles, plant information sheets, funny articles... Who knows?

Everything. A book I'll want to open and smile when looking on its pages. Any more creative names?

43
Checking Out / Apology for silences
« on: April 10, 2017, 02:40:52 PM »
Hi all,

I wanted to make an apology for being very quiet lately. It's essentially an indirect check out by situation of work.

I am on here daily to read, and often go to reply but do not feel I can make a sufficiently considered and sensitive enough response in the lack of time that there is at present. Some posts I think i've commented on but have not.

Other posts, from people I consider friends here, are missed and I catch on too late. I'm sorry that I have not been good with returning your kindnesses.

So I am here, always reading when I can. But I want to excuse commenting because I fear disrespecting members. And I am sorry for missing you in your time of need.

44
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / ...
« on: March 29, 2017, 09:35:47 PM »
Struggling with a revelation from yesterday.

In need of positive affirmations

45
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Failure or Potential?
« on: March 21, 2017, 09:04:25 PM »
Yesterday I got he realisation that my life has been a complete failure.

I hate it. I don't like how it has gone up to this point, and I do see other people moving forward. I have seen others achieve relationships, marriage, social lives, investments, careers... all where I cannot get off the ground.

I never felt like a failure in this way before. I thought my path was just my path, different to others. But it does seem like others do achieve good things from an opportunity, and it appears to lead them somewhere. I just seem to experience an opportunity. And that's it. A blip. Then back to the everyday norm.

This has been my lot in life. Is it still? Or is my mind finally clearing enough to be able to think about these things? Are the blocks both externally (invalidating family support) and internally (being disappointed, hurt, struggling to be heard) finally being moved out of the way so that I maybe able to achieve something in my life?

This is weird. I usually see things as opportunities by forward thinking, but right now just feel loss for what I have not experienced. Perhaps this isn't so bad. I just have the headspace and strength and clarity to pick up the coin and take a peek on the other side. Take it all in.

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