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Almost two years sinse the first time I posted here. Knew I would read it, but wanted to give it time.
Good so far

I have to begin by apologising for my absence. My recent and steady boost in energy has led me to focus on professionally constructive pursuits. I'm not professionally flourishing yet (just timing and what-not), but in the meantime am building quite a solid resourceful and mental foundation for when it does.

I know this has been discussed before, but for a long time during intense suffering, I would often wonder if it was in fact me that had turned into the narcissist/abuser, and was no longer an innocent victim.

But now as I continually settle, relax, and interact with those I can truly trust in my support network, I've noticed that my self sufficiency, solid independence and ability to be dependable to others is building again. After seven, loooong years.

My reflection leads me to think that yes, abuse was the case in the ever increasing need to protect myself. I was not able to look after myself as I once had, and nobody else was. I was doing the best I could in situations that were ever sustained or elevated in abuse toward me. Had I not already been a boiling pot ready to explode, yes situations could have been more diffuse or avoided altogether.

So maybe yes in terms of protection of myself. But it was that - protection of myself - and not the other - self indulgence, lack of care for others, a need for control of others - that it was done for. That is what the other person was doing.

I'm not who I was before the trauma. But I am getting closer to it, not out of guilt or remorse, but because it is fundamentally what I am; a person who cares for other people.

That is more than enough assurance to feel settled, and know that the answer is no. I am not the narcissist or an abuser. I was in survival mode however.

What are others thoughts?

Today was an interesting day.

It was a bit tough in that I copped it from two different people, had to part with a lot of money for large transactions, and was put on alert for the mortality of a family member.

In a fragile state, this would easily throw a traumatised person in a spiral. I had a few anxious moments, but quickly regathered focus. The difficulty of the situation was acknowledged, understanding why the others put heat on me like they did, yet personally not agreeing with their behaviour meant I did not get gripped with shame...

I worked with the situations and did not fight or lose my temper. Nor did I lose concentration. Utimately, I still achieved my goals for the day, the negativity was just an unfortunate happening along the way to get things done. Not my problem really.

This is a step up in overall emotional resilience. Not all adversities will be handled this way, but it is a promising overall improvement. Hang in there me

There is another thread dedicated to two types of anger, I believe started by Blueberry or Dee. I gave up after a few clicks to find it again, because I am not even too sure if it is on the new forum. Also this is a tangent to that main conversation.

I think I have reached a point in recovery where a transition may be made. I've entertained this though for several months now, but can now begin to feel it. I am actually starting to recognise that:

My anger is no longer justified in certain circumstances

and therefore as a result:

My anger is no longer a response to danger

but now a contributing cause for greater negativity

Why has this happened?

• Assertive approaches to negative situations were rudely, aggressively and abusively rebuffed or ignored
• When the need for legal intervention was recognised and sought after, again these 'authority' figures often invalidated and dismissed the recounted events of my reports, and I was often reprimanded for what I was relaying (nb; I never once went so far as to assume what these people were thinking or feeling as I hear so often when others share their accounts, only the facts)

In these situations, I did not do anything wrong. I had to employ fight or flight for my safety, or to diffuse a situation when it was becoming abusive. In my experience, fight (aggression, arguments, call out the faults of others etc), or flight (passivity, own the blame, etc). They became the norm.

I have lost the ability to assert myself.
I have forgotten that in many circumstances there is in fact is nobody at fault.
So the anger in these situations are not justified. Fight or flight behaviour takes over, and as a result, what happens does fundamentally and justifiably become my fault now.

I have decided that some circumstances no longer require my thought or care, and therefore my anger.
So I am no longer the victim to that circumstance. If I no longer need to employ fight or flight, I therefore need to relearn how to be assertive. Because fight or flight is not appropriate in the other circumstances that I am involved in.

I've hit another uncomfortable cusp of recovery.

I've realised that I haven't quite built up enough resilience to handle adversity with grace yet. I feel more pain than I should. Or I put more hope in the flashes of happiness than I should.

My recovery hasn't gone far enough to cope without my whole being suffering. I need everyone that I can to be around me.

I am still fragile.

Hello!

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine talked to me about the Deep Dive technique as a swift strategy for removing yourself from a triggered state.

For example, plunging your face into a bowl of ice water for fifteen seconds as a reverse jolt. There are apparently other, more covert, strategies as I questioned the viability of being able to plunge your face in a bowl of ice water in a professional setting without raising a few eyebrows from colleagues.

I wished I had known about this technique years ago. I tried to research it, but could not find any information.

Does anybody know of this technique?

Long story short: met a lovely wonderful man. My kind of man. We just clicked. Our feelings for each other were mutually expressed. I was in a state of calm with him. He was a real keeper.

He broke up with me, so with a smile I said (not verbatim), "Sure! Do what you need to! Tata."

Then without further ado I turned on my heel and walked away. Then started reading articles on my phone while I waited for the train home.

It's a shame. But there is no sadness or devastation at my end. I don't feel numb, or shock. It is what it is. I wouldn't have broken up with him, but whatever. He made the decision. It's been a few days and I am doing better than okay.

Cool!

Heard this one again.

Such an interesting pattern: A person pushes and pushes you to the brink of, or to an actual, trigger. Cptsd or not, what they do is so unnecessary and so easily avoided.

You have to stop what you're doing, pull back. Something any self loving person would do. They say "get better".

They will never get that we are not ill. They will never see that they are the ones inducing the stress. They will never admit they are being unfair.

Hello All,

I'll start by apologising for creating new posts and responding to few. I figure if I start a new post, I can blabber on all I like without response should it be, or offending anyone with an ill thought out reply - not long now till my ridiculous work load drops off. I do intend to give other posts the time and manners they deserve...

So I am not sure if this has been spoken about before, but has anyone else noticed their brain going into 'battle' with itself with recovery? I don't mean anything despairing, but maybe the neurons are starting to fire back up with the clearing fog.

A couple of weeks ago the stress got so high that anxiety kicked in, emotionally charged thoughts started to churn, my behaviour got erratic... but a few days later actual rational thought started to slip in there - it wasn't pushed intentionally, but just started to make its way in. Like in the olden days.

Last year, it was more like a battle, now the rationality is calming. Maybe it should be renamed to something else.
Anybody else had this?

Hello all 

I have been working on a large project, and hace managed to keep myself mentally in check throughout.

It has been frought with problems, which I have been tackling as they come. There has been a lot of troubleshooting, too much, and now everything is piling up close to the deadline.

I have been keeping my anxiety in check by using my time and energy to resolve issues rather than stress over them. But it has tipped over.

I have made progress, but there is no way i'll make the deadline. I have been working day and night, multitasking (i'm proud of myself with this one), and working weekends. But I despite this the work keeps getting further behind.

I'm now getting sleep deprived, headaches, and intrusive thoughts. My mind is not in a fog, nor am I lethargic or shutting down. But i'm beginning to get distressed and I do feel triggered.

Right now i'm level enough to recognise it, it is work induced and not trauma induced. But I can feel it coming. And I know it's the continual reduction of control that is doing it

Sorry to be very out there with this, but over the last few days I have been getting increasingly fixated on the year I was in a relationship where I was repeatedly raped by my boyfriend. That was essentially the entire relationship.

And how my family don't talk to me but think he is great.

Note though, absolutely nothing he has done is excusable. And I think that is why I pity him.

He caused the chaos, he was found out, and given that things are getting better for me... he was clearly delivered some consequences.

Whatever is or has been going on inside of his head must be terrible. Now he's had to deal with being found out. He deserves whatever he gets, and that is why I feel sorry for him. My life now has a chance to get better, while for him the cycle will begin again somewhere else.

Oh well. No longer my problem.

Hi all,

It's been a while. Have recently, finally, stopped 'fighting' for my place in life. I can now just do and be. But I haven't 'been' for so long, I don't know how anymore.

Having a go a immersing myself into some basic social interaction, and it is weird.

I think I am weird. I have missed out on so much these last few years, I finally went out last night to just be involved in a festival going on in my city right now. Just a general thing but, my city has changed so much. I am not familiar with it, and I haven't even gone anywhere! I would have gone to this event over the years had I belonged to any group of people to do it. I know, because I thrived on being involved soaking up life, I made sure to include people who might like what was happening; staying at home was a confidence killer for me, and I was mindful of other's who might feel the same.

I also have very little to actually talk about, so when I talk to people, I say weird things! I do think I sound very idiotic. I'm also very physically tired.

I keep reading - and this is something that I used to live by - that you control your life and how you live it. I did not choose to skip six years of living. I asked for help in the beginning, and I was rudely told to * off. I did not choose this, and now I'm feeling a bit annoyed again. I have to learn how to be with people again. I am really annoyed about that.

Hi all,

This is a spinoff thread to the one called "surviving character assassination". Things have gotten better, but there is still some awkwardness. I have spent months "doing nothing", and now I just want to address things and get them out of the way.

So given that people like to get in on other people's business, I've decided to write a letter for everyone involved to read. I plan to put this on Facebook first thing Monday morning, but i'd like to share it with you first.

The letter here is long, sorry. And when I share it on my wall I'll delete it here. Time to take control of this mess.

------------------------------*

Apologies. Have decided not to wait, and have deleted the letter. Will let you know if anything happens.

Okay, the title sounds a bit 'clinical' but it's in he spirit of the idea.

Elphanigh has started something big, and it is so good I don't want to stop at just three good things a day.

Many of us will probably have a journal where we write about our traumas and all the trials that come with it. I do, it has been cathartic and helped organise those troubling thoughts. I have been thinking though, the cover of my journal looks very pretty, but I don't ever want to read what's in it. I've got it all out of my head, I don't really want to trigger myself. It's a shame because the cover makes me smile.

My book for three good things a day is tiny and much thinner in comparison to the journal. You know what? I want the good things to outweigh the bad, give them more of my attention, and enjoy opening a book with a pretty cover.

Enter the 'positivity planner' (or something more creative), a book or folder which is all about me. I'll write three good things on each day. Set myself little goals and give myself a reward for completing them. I'll doodle in it. Stick in photos or beautiful art. Write down important dates for hobbies, people's birthdays, create sections for my loves (maybe i'll have one for the doodles, plant information sheets, funny articles... Who knows?

Everything. A book I'll want to open and smile when looking on its pages. Any more creative names?

Hi all,

I wanted to make an apology for being very quiet lately. It's essentially an indirect check out by situation of work.

I am on here daily to read, and often go to reply but do not feel I can make a sufficiently considered and sensitive enough response in the lack of time that there is at present. Some posts I think i've commented on but have not.

Other posts, from people I consider friends here, are missed and I catch on too late. I'm sorry that I have not been good with returning your kindnesses.

So I am here, always reading when I can. But I want to excuse commenting because I fear disrespecting members. And I am sorry for missing you in your time of need.

Yesterday I got he realisation that my life has been a complete failure.

I hate it. I don't like how it has gone up to this point, and I do see other people moving forward. I have seen others achieve relationships, marriage, social lives, investments, careers... all where I cannot get off the ground.

I never felt like a failure in this way before. I thought my path was just my path, different to others. But it does seem like others do achieve good things from an opportunity, and it appears to lead them somewhere. I just seem to experience an opportunity. And that's it. A blip. Then back to the everyday norm.

This has been my lot in life. Is it still? Or is my mind finally clearing enough to be able to think about these things? Are the blocks both externally (invalidating family support) and internally (being disappointed, hurt, struggling to be heard) finally being moved out of the way so that I maybe able to achieve something in my life?

This is weird. I usually see things as opportunities by forward thinking, but right now just feel loss for what I have not experienced. Perhaps this isn't so bad. I just have the headspace and strength and clarity to pick up the coin and take a peek on the other side. Take it all in.

It has been mentioned in another post, that when chatting to friends here that some people imagine a physical setting.

One person mentioned drinks on a balcony with another, and my mind imagined a night scene with them sitting on large wicker chairs, staring out in the black, feet up on the railing, cicadas whirring, cocktail glasses in hand, quietly chatting... it was a warm fuzzy scene.

What do others imagine?

Hello all!

I've been trying to research this but can't find an answer, so could some enlightened person please share their thoughts? I'm more curious than anything.

Long story short, was the target of a smear campaign at work. It was clear to me because I was in an abusive relationship with someone quite new there: they were smearing someone else with me, stopped smearing them when we started arguing and it became tremendously abusive, then he was immediately in a relationship with another co-worker in a matter of days, people stopped talking to me, etc etc etc. The well worn script of someone with a PD.

Anyhoo, because of all the chaos and hosility, and being a fighter, I exposed what happened to the powers that be. Because it was just insane and I was at my wits end.

Now, I have not seen him once since. He still has work to do but is not there. People are talking to me again. The gf after me has been hurt as well. Looks of derision are turning to smiles, i'm starting to be included again.

I'm curious... does anybody have insight into what has happened to him?

I don't know why I picked a lightbulb, but I'm just going to continue to mark this moment as a positive new beginning.

All about me...
I have just made the decision, from yet another stimulus received through my family, to end my association with them for good. This is in the last hour or so.

My recovery has come along so well, and I have built up such a good support network of late, that the things that my family do that used to wipe me out completely, do not any more. But non-the-less, those things are no less disrespectful.

So, now that I have reached a good place in myself again, have learned to live without needing or loving them, it is in my own best interests to let them go. They have not changed. If something they do... yet again... hurts me, I'm still being blamed by them for having my feelings hurt when I speak up. If I say nothing, I'm as good as a doll sitting on a shelf, waiting to be picked up on the rare occasion that they want me (actually that's never, the dust will continue to gather). I'm still being told i'm causing drama where there is none.

So none there shall be. The funny thing is, at this point in time, nothing will change. Because this time, i'm not suffering through a trauma, or experiencing grief, my life has not been turned upside down. They abandoned me when I needed them during those experiences, and I barely survived.

Not only did I experience a sudden loss of social connections with those traumas, they left me alone to 'cheer myself up'. Although I never heard them say that, they weren't talking to me nor checking in with me. I do remember that being the attitude toward my brother when he was going through his divorce though.

So I will cheer myself up. With my new support network. That know what I am dealing with, and are still willing to hang out for a drink, or go to a movie, or check out a new cafe... whatever normal things there are to do that normal people do... whatever my family suddenly stopped doing with me.

**Trigger Warning**

I recall the first time suicide popped into my head, it scared the living * out of me. I remember thinking that I could never do it, I would never put my family through that grief. I remember how I got myself into counselling. My main priority was to get my life back on track, and make sure that my family would be able to lift the worry they were no doubt feeling for me. I was worried about their pain more so than mine. What I went through was so horrible, I was strengthened by the fact that I suffered it and not them. I wanted to rebuild my strength so that when I could tell them what happened I wouldn't be a mess, I would still be functioning. I could thrive again with their understanding. They were not asked to do anything for me except be mindful. That's it.

But in that process I went through another traumatic event. And they abandoned me. And they did things that triggered me. And I fell into new depths with frequent, lasting suicidal ideation. It got to the point that on the rare occasion I was asked what I was doing, and my response was "researching methods for killing myself"... (cue the crickets). From their point of view, i've finally found out, I'm just trying to guilt them. I hold them in contempt for something that happened to me a long time ago.

Enough. My life is finally, miraculously, moving forward again after a six year stall. They were long, very long years to endure... but looking back there is nothing to remember. Such a huge waste of time. So much life could have been lived, but through utter selfishness and stupid egocentric behaviour, six * years have been wasted. I absolutely despise them for that.

But no more. They are no longer my family, or a concern. The energy and drive I have finally regained will be used on me, and the people who do care about me.

I'm beginning to feel like me again, and its the me I like again. And I am a good person. I don't want to risk losing myself again because of them again. And there is no loss to grieve this time.

I think this is a step in a positive direction!