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Topics - Contessa

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Unfair
« on: March 09, 2017, 08:02:59 AM »

Today wasn't too difficult a day, but I did experience a trigger when there was an opportunity for danger (seeing the work narc), but luckily it did not eventuate. There danger did not occur, but the quickened heart rate and shakes started to happen. Really annoyed by this (I had quite a bit of work to do), I came home.

Feeling better now, but this is just so annoying and unfair. Its not fair to feel scared at work.

The Cafe / Where do we imagine?
« on: March 04, 2017, 05:17:48 AM »
It has been mentioned in another post, that when chatting to friends here that some people imagine a physical setting.

One person mentioned drinks on a balcony with another, and my mind imagined a night scene with them sitting on large wicker chairs, staring out in the black, feet up on the railing, cicadas whirring, cocktail glasses in hand, quietly chatting... it was a warm fuzzy scene.

What do others imagine?

Hello all!

I've been trying to research this but can't find an answer, so could some enlightened person please share their thoughts? I'm more curious than anything.

Long story short, was the target of a smear campaign at work. It was clear to me because I was in an abusive relationship with someone quite new there: they were smearing someone else with me, stopped smearing them when we started arguing and it became tremendously abusive, then he was immediately in a relationship with another co-worker in a matter of days, people stopped talking to me, etc etc etc. The well worn script of someone with a PD.

Anyhoo, because of all the chaos and hosility, and being a fighter, I exposed what happened to the powers that be. Because it was just insane and I was at my wits end.

Now, I have not seen him once since. He still has work to do but is not there. People are talking to me again. The gf after me has been hurt as well. Looks of derision are turning to smiles, i'm starting to be included again.

I'm curious... does anybody have insight into what has happened to him?

Moving Out/On; Going LC/NC / New beginning
« on: February 25, 2017, 12:36:05 PM »
I don't know why I picked a lightbulb, but I'm just going to continue to mark this moment as a positive new beginning.

All about me...
I have just made the decision, from yet another stimulus received through my family, to end my association with them for good. This is in the last hour or so.

My recovery has come along so well, and I have built up such a good support network of late, that the things that my family do that used to wipe me out completely, do not any more. But non-the-less, those things are no less disrespectful.

So, now that I have reached a good place in myself again, have learned to live without needing or loving them, it is in my own best interests to let them go. They have not changed. If something they do... yet again... hurts me, I'm still being blamed by them for having my feelings hurt when I speak up. If I say nothing, I'm as good as a doll sitting on a shelf, waiting to be picked up on the rare occasion that they want me (actually that's never, the dust will continue to gather). I'm still being told i'm causing drama where there is none.

So none there shall be. The funny thing is, at this point in time, nothing will change. Because this time, i'm not suffering through a trauma, or experiencing grief, my life has not been turned upside down. They abandoned me when I needed them during those experiences, and I barely survived.

Not only did I experience a sudden loss of social connections with those traumas, they left me alone to 'cheer myself up'. Although I never heard them say that, they weren't talking to me nor checking in with me. I do remember that being the attitude toward my brother when he was going through his divorce though.

So I will cheer myself up. With my new support network. That know what I am dealing with, and are still willing to hang out for a drink, or go to a movie, or check out a new cafe... whatever normal things there are to do that normal people do... whatever my family suddenly stopped doing with me.

**Trigger Warning**

I recall the first time suicide popped into my head, it scared the living * out of me. I remember thinking that I could never do it, I would never put my family through that grief. I remember how I got myself into counselling. My main priority was to get my life back on track, and make sure that my family would be able to lift the worry they were no doubt feeling for me. I was worried about their pain more so than mine. What I went through was so horrible, I was strengthened by the fact that I suffered it and not them. I wanted to rebuild my strength so that when I could tell them what happened I wouldn't be a mess, I would still be functioning. I could thrive again with their understanding. They were not asked to do anything for me except be mindful. That's it.

But in that process I went through another traumatic event. And they abandoned me. And they did things that triggered me. And I fell into new depths with frequent, lasting suicidal ideation. It got to the point that on the rare occasion I was asked what I was doing, and my response was "researching methods for killing myself"... (cue the crickets). From their point of view, i've finally found out, I'm just trying to guilt them. I hold them in contempt for something that happened to me a long time ago.

Enough. My life is finally, miraculously, moving forward again after a six year stall. They were long, very long years to endure... but looking back there is nothing to remember. Such a huge waste of time. So much life could have been lived, but through utter selfishness and stupid egocentric behaviour, six * years have been wasted. I absolutely despise them for that.

But no more. They are no longer my family, or a concern. The energy and drive I have finally regained will be used on me, and the people who do care about me.

I'm beginning to feel like me again, and its the me I like again. And I am a good person. I don't want to risk losing myself again because of them again. And there is no loss to grieve this time.

I think this is a step in a positive direction!

Hello all.

This morning, before a fairly serious meeting, I looked at facebook for a bit of positive diversion, but at the very top of the feed there was a photograph which should have sent me in a spiral.

In the past i've gone into anxious fits and have had meltdowns that wipe me out for weeks at a time. But for some reason I did not today.

I felt that spark of heat in my heart, but it was tiny and did not grow.

I checked a box to remove it from my feed, but it keeps popping up with many many people expressing love for the two people in the photo. Here's the kicker **trigger**: one of them ran away overseas to 'sow his oats' after I fell pregnant with his child. In utter grief I had a miscarriage. The other person found out this happened quite a while later, was utterly disgusted, showed me great care, and became my boyfriend, but he raped me repeatedly throughout the relationship.

The photo is of them two, holidaying in Amsterdam together, flashing the biggest grins while sharing a couple of beers.

I have blocked all contact with both these men, but sometimes things slip through.

As usual, some of my family members and 'friends' who know this has happened are among the people showering these guys with love.

This has happened before in smaller doses, but the utter absurdity of this has left me largely unmoved. This is surreal.

Separately, I have suffered immense grief from these things, and repeated ef's sinse for over six years. I'm not feeling good, but its strange to not feel the usual unbearable trauma.

That's all I can say right now.

General Discussion / Thank you!
« on: January 09, 2017, 08:55:07 PM »
Thank you Kizzie for setting up this section of the board.

I didn't of this at all, but am looking forward to the discussions to be had here :)

General Discussion / Remembering rather than learning
« on: January 09, 2017, 08:51:41 PM »
I have been finding with my recovery that when I make a positive step forward, an old habit or attitude comes back as opposed to a new skill being learned.

In the context of the recent bullying I have been ecperiencing,
I do get a annoyed and frustrated when I am told things that I already know, or am spoken down to like I have no concept of social relations too; ie I cannot control what other people think or do (umm... duh), I'm seeing things that aren't happening (observing odd behaviour from people and being confused/distressed by it is not seeing things that aren't happening)

Having my past, long, respected, successful people management/oriented career completely discounted as experience for behavioural observation and knowledge is also tremendously upsetting.

How have you guys fared?

Frustrated? Set Backs? / A somewhat expected catch 22
« on: January 06, 2017, 06:32:10 AM »
I wanted to ask if anybody else has experienced this.

I have just experienced extremely covert bullying at my workplace. It started with the bully triggering me with abuse before the bullying, then playing victim, and now a whole bunch of people are actively excluding me from things, and they are also scared of me. In a nutshell.

The change in behaviour has been quite obvious. I do not form definite conclusions from what's happening, because I don't know. I do observe behaviours, and they have been odd to say the least. Outside of this setting, behaviour with others is normal.

This is the annoying part. Because I have c-ptsd, I have been told that because of my traumas I am in a hypervigilent state, and therefore automatically jump to the worst possible scenario, and am seeing things as being worse than they are.

Now I don't doubt that as a real risk. But, because of my c-ptsd, those in the know think the bullying is not happening and I am coming to the conclusion of a worst case scenario because of my hypervigilence.

I know this bullying has absolutely happened, based off many, many observations, experiences and other oddities to do only with the people involved. It is frustrating that I am being told by people who have not been there, that I am seeing things that aren't happening.

Any similar experiences?

Christmas & New Years / Christmas is Cancelled
« on: December 25, 2016, 03:42:19 AM »
Merry Christmas all!

Christmas has become such a sad time of year for me personally that I just couldn't do it this time around.

This morning I told my family that I don't want to go over, and i'm having the day to myself. Just like every other day really.

So for anyone else here who has decided to boycott the day, or who has nobody to spend it with, here's thinking of you, sending lots of love to you not just for today but for every day xox


Friends / Breaking the Friendship
« on: December 21, 2016, 04:25:34 AM »
Hi all!

Thought i'd start a new thread. Just recently went through a character assassination, and am now dealing with the aftermath. Have been isolated, excluded and the list of dirty looks from new people grows ever bigger; people I've known for years and people I've never really met before. Reporting this level of bullying has resulted in invalidation and threats of consequences for me due what I am doing to other people. The only thing keeping me afloat is the utter confusion of apparently these people being scared of me and I have no idea what I have done.

The follow on effects have been massive, unlike anything I have experienced before. Some days I can go with it, but it doesn't take too long before I get stuck in my own head going over and over things trying to trying to figure out what I have done that I can make links to. I can make some links, but for the most part I have no idea what is what. If I seek help, things get much much worse, if I don't... things just get a little worse.

I can't count on anyone or do anything, that's accepted now. But today I have spent most of the day crying. I honestly don't know why, just tired of the emotional taxation. Today I broke off a friendship with someone who is juggling tossing up time with me, and the minions of my assassin. Too - how I hate to say this word - triggering for myself, and not good for them either. Can't put them under that pressure any more, and I can't be the friend I want to be for them.

I guess i'm just sound boarding here to get out of my own head. Anybody know where the silver lining is in all of this?

General Discussion / Surviving Character Assassination
« on: September 10, 2016, 10:54:34 PM »
Hello all,

Long story short, assassination of my character is in full swing at my workplace. Crazymaking by ex - my asking how he was doing started with him abusing me, a huge argument, and ended with a psychologist calling me to make an appointment to assess my mental health  ???

The behaviour of several people has changed toward me. It is avoidant and cautious.

So. I refuse to run away. This is my workplace, my career, my reputation. These are my colleagues, and friends being turned against me. I do not and will not accept this.

I do have a plan to work through this in non confrontational way, and my therapist is on my side with the plan. They have noted that this guy is a possible sociopath.

Right now my reputation is going down hill, and I expect it to continue until people have seen enough of me, and continue to see me, to question what they have heard.

Has anybody else had experience in this area? Any words of wisdom for working through this and coming out the victor?

General Discussion / I own the world
« on: August 28, 2016, 12:00:03 PM »
Just found a tonne of courage. Granted it took a couple of wines, but i'm sobering up and still have it. I've decided that i'm taking my life back.

I own the world, and everything in it. The ground I walk on is mine, so I can walk anywhere. My workplace is mine, so I can go wherever I want, and talk to whomever I please. My friends are mine, so I will talk to all of them.

So. The guy who screwed me over, and shares office space with me... is mine. Our friends, are my friends. Our colleagues, are my colleagues. The after work drinks we both attend are my after work drinks. I'm not backing away any more, because its all mine. And he is just going to have to deal with it.

My friends are going to know me from me, and not through the tales of his character assassination. I was here first after all.

Wish me luck

General Discussion / Brain Battle
« on: August 18, 2016, 01:10:28 AM »
Was triggered last week and so the last few days my brain has been involved in a battle.

The desperation, impulsiveness, anger of the cptsd - versus - the calm, thought out, planned, gentle, respectful etc non-cptsd.

Non-cpsd did well for a few days but last night it lost the fight. It became clear that cptsd or no cptsd, neither of them were going to win what they were ultimately battling for. Actually, I think they both joined forces in the end to stick it up the opponent in the most confusing and infuriating way to them. Non-cptsd knows this has just made present life even harder.

General Discussion / Does this ease?
« on: August 15, 2016, 01:31:52 AM »
Hi all,

In a triggered state right now. Was triggered a few days ago, and have been going through the waves. Before the trigger, I felt like I didn't have cPTSD, depression or anxiety. I was on the improve.

Now I was never in a naive state of thinking I was cured. I know that there will be episodes. Relapses. But for those that have been working with cPTSD for a longer time than I have, can I ask if this ever eases in intensity over time? If so what do you think helped?

General Discussion / Swearing too much
« on: August 14, 2016, 12:53:21 AM »
Does anybody else swear/cuss too much? I'm struggling with it big time. Have been able to catch myself recently while generally settling, or apologise for any slips immediately. But was triggered the other day and now f-bombs are coming out left right and centre. Not liking this but I do not know if I am losing control, or at this stage voluntarily relinquishing it to just aid the release of frustration. Almost certain its the latter. Either way, I don't like it.

Thinking of starting a swear jar to donate to a charitable organisation, or even just starting a art project - have a sketch book full of artistic swear words. You know those signs people sometimes decorate their places with (love... family... joy... etc). Any other ideas that help?

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