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Messages - Contessa

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Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 12:52:17 PM »
Thank you. I knew someone here would understand. Anger is justified and I want to say that I am angry.

I don't want to bottle it up and slap on a face of 'hope' and 'optimism' and be 'thankful for the good things' or 'there's always adoption' or whatever crapola people think is how I should be feeling or thinking towards or solving this issue.

No. Right now i'm allowed to be angry, so i'm going to be angry.

Glad you replied, acknowled%ed and validated this.

Other / Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 06:52:21 AM »

I don't think it is the stress now that I have worked on building up my resilience. I think it is the long time it has taken to recover while enduring and recovering from DV, combined with the recurring infections associated with previous pregnancy loss and SA.

I am now infertile. I am again angry with everyone who contributed/enabled/ignored/abandoned me with abuse.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 06, 2019, 12:18:46 PM »
LTLTR I agree with that very valid point, and Kizzie your suggestion of falling into NPD as protection. With many brothers and sisters, each has developed their own way of dealing.

I'll admit to feeling a lot of compassion in the regard that you mentioned Kizzie, but the sad thing is I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them. It's not a good thing.

Great perspectives everyone, a lot of food for thought here.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 05, 2019, 10:06:46 AM »
Thank you Blueberry and Kizzie for those lovely warm hugs. It's just the same old *bleep* different day hey! It all falls under the scapegoat umbrella.

I think something to come out of this as you said Kizzie, is the response of confusion and feeling hurt. That's exactly what it is. Not despair or anger or feeling lost, but confusion because it makes no logical sense.

It's been a long journey to get here. My role hasn't changed with them, but my response to their odd behaviours is improving. It's a step closer to peace.


General Discussion / You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 03, 2019, 11:36:48 AM »
Hi I'm not sure how to express this. Has anyone had this happen to them?

If a close family member is in trouble, you literally drop everything to help them. Even take leave from your job and fly interstate at a moments notice when you have a fear of flying. Nobody else does anything. Ever. But you make sure you do what you can. And you've done this several times throughout your life. And they have even come to you seeking that help.

And of all people, they abuse you, and stop talking to you while getting along with the others who did a big fat nothing to help them. You're given the silent treatment, you are told off and you are outcast.

I don't get it

General Discussion / Re: Christmas confusion
« on: January 07, 2019, 12:03:45 PM »
Thank you Finally Free and Libby for your kind words.

Feeling much more normal now the new year has started. How is everyone else going now that it is all over?

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: January 06, 2019, 10:39:59 PM »
Seconded SJ. Well said.

Returning to one of Blueberry's rhetorics of  'Am I allowed some peace too?' I had to lose five brothers and sisters and all the attached friends and family with them to get some semblance of it.

There is no peace either way. It was a choice to keep myself alive.

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 28, 2018, 03:20:53 AM »
Thank you.
A party would be good.

General Discussion / Re: Christmas confusion
« on: December 28, 2018, 12:34:02 AM »
Another one here too. Every year.

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 26, 2018, 08:41:10 AM »
Thank you all. I hope you all had at least a peaceful day. Mine was rubbish.

General Discussion / Re: Adult onset cptsd
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:46:42 PM »
I've been thinking the same thing of late Rainagain, but i've also come to the realisation that my childhood was in actual fact quite thwart with dysfuntional dynamics.

My resilience has always been tested, but I was always able to come out on top. But I was not living a life.

So my family always gave the rubix a twist or two, and I spent my time righting it. Forget getting out there and dealing with the pressures of life, because that would twist further and make repair harder.

I then decided to assert myself, cube got messed up, and with the momentum of those spins, my family just gave them a few more taps.

It's funny, my older brother was always the black sheep of the family. His cube was given the bigger spins, then mine took off.

Good analogy.

Employment / Re: It came to me in a flash
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:28:06 PM »
Ah yes! Go for it  :cheer:

That's exciting. Be your own boss, and enjoy building something wonderful

Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: Remembering people
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:21:58 PM »
I find remembering names difficult at the best of times. It does take a few meetings and conversations for names to stick.

Prior to trauma my 'memory like an elephant' used to regularly be commented on as I could clearly recall details of settings and conversations from months to years prior.

But like wattlebird mentioned, I believe 2) disassociation became a massive thing. I have years of blank memories. I can't recall specific people or events. I once had a big conversation with someone I thought I was meeting for the first time, when they asked me how I went with doing something from a previous meeting... turns out I'd met them a few times already  :blink:

Not fun

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 17, 2018, 05:35:08 AM »
Well that was one little victory. But the funk has set in. So over it, I used to love Christmas. Ten straight years of terrible Christmases. What a funk.

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 15, 2018, 01:20:16 PM »
That's the kind of invite to a party I have no problem attending.

I did not go no. I felt so uncomfortable at the thought of it. Spiralled down a bit then caught myself and demanded some compassion from the small piece of family I have left. Tonight ended up on a bit of a positive which was unusual. Small victory.

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