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Messages - Contessa

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General Discussion / Re: Adult onset cptsd
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:46:42 PM »
I've been thinking the same thing of late Rainagain, but i've also come to the realisation that my childhood was in actual fact quite thwart with dysfuntional dynamics.

My resilience has always been tested, but I was always able to come out on top. But I was not living a life.

So my family always gave the rubix a twist or two, and I spent my time righting it. Forget getting out there and dealing with the pressures of life, because that would twist further and make repair harder.

I then decided to assert myself, cube got messed up, and with the momentum of those spins, my family just gave them a few more taps.

It's funny, my older brother was always the black sheep of the family. His cube was given the bigger spins, then mine took off.

Good analogy.

Employment / Re: It came to me in a flash
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:28:06 PM »
Ah yes! Go for it  :cheer:

That's exciting. Be your own boss, and enjoy building something wonderful

Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: Remembering people
« on: December 18, 2018, 09:21:58 PM »
I find remembering names difficult at the best of times. It does take a few meetings and conversations for names to stick.

Prior to trauma my 'memory like an elephant' used to regularly be commented on as I could clearly recall details of settings and conversations from months to years prior.

But like wattlebird mentioned, I believe 2) disassociation became a massive thing. I have years of blank memories. I can't recall specific people or events. I once had a big conversation with someone I thought I was meeting for the first time, when they asked me how I went with doing something from a previous meeting... turns out I'd met them a few times already  :blink:

Not fun

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 17, 2018, 05:35:08 AM »
Well that was one little victory. But the funk has set in. So over it, I used to love Christmas. Ten straight years of terrible Christmases. What a funk.

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 15, 2018, 01:20:16 PM »
That's the kind of invite to a party I have no problem attending.

I did not go no. I felt so uncomfortable at the thought of it. Spiralled down a bit then caught myself and demanded some compassion from the small piece of family I have left. Tonight ended up on a bit of a positive which was unusual. Small victory.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: December 15, 2018, 01:13:58 PM »
Same in my FOO I'm expected to "stick to the rules and stay 'in my place' " Bit by bit I'm stopping that. It has taken me an enormous amount of energy and courage so far but it's working for me. Of course, I'm losing FOO, but I'm gaining myself.

So true

Christmas & New Years / Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 15, 2018, 02:24:21 AM »
Having a crisis of confidence today. I don't get invited to any parties at Christmas. It's been the general trend for the last 18 years.

I've got a 'half invite' to one in a few hours. Don't want to go into it, just want to hide in a hole.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: December 15, 2018, 02:12:35 AM »

He also said months ago how our mother would hate to see the family split up the way it is (she died when we were young), however apparently that only applies if I stick to the rules and stay 'in my place' as opposed to our father learning to take responsibility and be a compassionate human being? 

Feeling it. Won't go into detail how, it will involve a few trigger warnings. But I've certainly had this constraint applied as well. It's so abusive in itself, it compounds the damage that we've already been through; soul destroying to comply.

Our whole life is a catch 22; we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. Our decisions come down to what we hope will do us the least damage.

Got to go, feeling the christmas down big time today.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: December 13, 2018, 08:05:44 PM »
Apologies Blues, here with you experiencing a lack of trust and safety with siblings. Our siblings should be our biggest supporters, not our most offensive opponents.
Sending a hug your way with all the others  :hug:

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: December 13, 2018, 05:06:23 AM »
Sounds like my family finallyfree. Glad i'm away from them and glad you are too xO

General Discussion / Re: Has anyone changed their name?
« on: November 27, 2018, 07:29:05 PM »
One of my best friends changed theirs, and as the others have said, it was a huge step in the right direction for them :)

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Return to Pre-trauma Industry
« on: November 21, 2018, 12:07:36 AM »
Thanks RA and BB.

I guess I have been able to totally immerse myself into a world that is completely separate to the other. The other world I feel completely unwelcome in. This one has no bullies and no family in it. Thinking about that side does upset me, but I have a whole new world that does not.

I hope other people can be here too :)

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Settlement agreement uk
« on: November 20, 2018, 11:54:15 PM »
So sorry that you have to be dragged through this again and again RA.

I can identify with the life, personality and IQ aspect. All of your precious energy is being used to fight these guys and not look after yourself.

I don't know what else to say, but just wish this would end so you can move forward.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Return to Pre-trauma Industry
« on: November 15, 2018, 09:51:22 AM »
Thabks Boy 22 and Three Roses. I do hope this way forward can be maintained in the long term.

And if this is proof, then it must be repeatable. My hope is that everyone can achieve this.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Return to Pre-trauma Industry
« on: November 15, 2018, 12:36:49 AM »
The beginning of my life with serious trauma coincided with the change of my professional industry. Looking back, just about all people involved with the trauma (family, friends, colleagues...) are connected with that industry in some shape or form, small and large.

This year I returned to work in the industry that I was employed in before the traumas. Not just the industry, but the same old workplaces and colleagues as well as new. Over the last several weeks, one colleague has mentioned several times that I am always cool, calm and in control whenever crisis hits. She pointed out that on the surface I do not flinch, so I thought about it and realised that there is no flinching below the surface either. Then I thought, "Hang on!? I'm the one with cptsd!" (nobody knows I have it there, it is not in any way necessary to disclose... yet)

Completely the opposite to the last six years. It's like I took a knife, and sliced everything and everyone to do with that time out. I feel no stress in what really is quite a stressful industry, and I do not think about anything or anyone in the other.

That's a weird observation I noticed in the last week. Does anybody relate? Or have any thoughts about this? I'm still just dumbfounded at how pervasively toxic the other industry was/is, and how 'normal' it must seem to those in it.

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