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Hi Slim,

Apologies, I had every intention to respond to your initial post, yet could not find the words that I thought would be satisfactory at the time of writing above. Wanted to think on it, and clearly got distracted somewhere else.

I have had moments of extreme anger toward my family also, and have recently come to the conclusion that they will never admit or apologise to anything. They're not capable, otherwise they would have apologised almost a decade ago.

That doesn't stop the anger though - what they did has hurt, and what they do continues to do so. So I understand when it becomes all consuming.

I'm where you are; struggling to let it go and move on. I don't know the answer, though am having small moments of success with Gromit's suggestion, which is as utterly difficult as suggested.

So apologies for the lack of advice. Aside from a remose filled apology, the sweetest revenge would be succeding at being a better human than them, and helping others lead better lives.

Still have a way to go yet though.

Kizzie, your validation of rage and anger for me was very settling. I like that quote by Pete Walker
I'm still only halfway through the book.

Sweet sixty, I can empathise. I never felt anger until a few years ago. Righteous indignation sounds very fair.

Thanks Kizzie.

Well no matter how feisty I get, they will never hear. I am always shut down, every single time. They hear nothing. It's a cycle that builds and builds till I explode.

Change of tact to support myself.

Exactly Blueberry.

Those with NPD don't suffer terribly any more, that's the whole purpose of the disorder, to shield a very small and traumatized ego or self  from any more pain.  However, they cause a lot of pain for those around them although they can't or won't see that.   

Those of us with CPTSD have not yet turned that corner (as I see it and I believe this is what Walker is suggesting).  We use the defenses in an unhealthy way compared to those who don't have CPTSD, but not to the extent that those with a PD do.  It's a matter of degree.

I've come in search of this thread because I have been scared lately that I have developed BPD. I do act aggressively to members of my FOO, usually as a response to a biting trigger. For years I backed down, now as a result of repeated abuses and trauma/abandonment that completely altered my life path, I respond aggressively. But only to them.

The above quote from Kizzie is as far as I have got through the thread, but the quote is reassuring. I don't treat others that way, and I do feel horrid when my outbursts happen.

But i'll be damned if I ever apologise to my FOO again. That was a pattern I noticed early on before my larger traumas. Offering an apology for my part of a disagreement has never yielded an apology in turn for theirs. My extension of an olive branch is as good as an admission of all fault to them.

Slowly, slowly... i'm cutting all contact. For me.

Congratulations on taking that massive
leap for your own self. Many learning curves ahead which will all be good for you 🌹

💛
That's all I can say right now. Such a powerful step for yourself x

I often don't know or understand what triggered a really bad spell until I'm back out of it again.

Good point Blueberry. Me neither.
Although this time I consolidated understanding of my paeticular cycle of trigger and flashback.

You're in the right place Kezkel, and BB is right. You've taken the first affirmative step. Keep taking them
Xo

Always wanted to use these happy emoticons:


And


I'll hold off on using more. Maybe.
Words are so powerful Eyessoblue. My teaching degree and then career taught me about their power, and also gave me an out from my negative, 'can't do' family. Well for a time anyway (cue onset of cptsd via their extreme neglect and 'can't do' attitude in supporting me...) but I digress.

As far as possible, those words have been erased from my vocabulary.

If anybody says 'should have' to me or themselves, I respond with, "shoulda woulda coulda. It's done. I/you made the best decision for the situation at the time, and now know the decision will be different next time."

I find 'you' statements very powerful too. Did you learn about them too?

Okay one more


I lied. Two.

I don't think I can offer much in the way of advice Kezkel, but I can offer empathy for how you are feeling.


Here is a hug for you. You've been through too much, and i'm here by your side. We can find a way forward together.

Most certainly a betrayal, and the expressions of love and support have been way overdue. I hope it keeps coming.

Thank you for yours xo

Thank you Deep Blue.

This was enough for my cousin to make a profound connection for my suffering.

As a trauma sufferer herself, she empathises with what I have been through. To know that I was not only abandoned by my family when it happened, but then realise that my family has in fact kept up a close relationship with my...

This just tipped the pot over for her understanding of why I cannot get past it, and how this in fact has compounded my trauma, and most of all stumped her comprehension.

She's showering me with love and empathy. Showering me with... anger? I think... for what her beloved cousins/aunty/uncle are doing to their sister/daughter.

And learning that he is in fact the second of two hims...

*TW* SA

Trying not to say the words.
I slipped out "his" name to a cousin, recalling an invalidating comment by my mother to her.
My cousin immediately replied with "I know that name. He's really good friends with (my brother's name goes here)"
I broke down. "He's my ..."

Just... help me please

Hearing you Sceal.
I'm in a very distressed dark place right now, struggling hard.
Can't say anything without extreme emotion behind it.
But am currently empathising too well with this sentiment

Big **TW** SA

I was talking to a family member today (not a sibling) and I slipped out the name of one of my abusers.

They replied "I know that name... they're really good friends with (insert my sibling's name here)."

I started to cry. I responded with "(Abusers name) is my rapist"

That particular sibling is beloved to my relative. I believe that personal link between my sibling and rapist just shattered them. I could feel the anger and confusion in the things they said next, their empathy for my trauma - as they suffer with trauma themself I have learned - but their despair at learning that my family in fact never had my back through any of it, and have in fact caused the most trauma of all. They made my cptsd chronically life long.

My relative gave me some peace today.