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Messages - Contessa

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Emotional Abuse / Re: Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
« on: June 22, 2016, 05:13:44 AM »

All that was ever wanted was some awareness from those I thought meant the most. They're not expected to understand, just listen. Not offer advice, they can't. All that is wanted is a simple "That really sucks. Lets go have a beer and talk some sh**."

Hi Dee, you most certainly are not alone  :) I'm relatively new here as well.

Agreed, Lexapro (citalopram) was definitely a life saver, but over the long term a brain scrambler for me. Hopefully this helps you get one step closer to clarity as well.

General Discussion / Re: Friday Night Whiskey Blues
« on: June 21, 2016, 01:53:36 PM »
Hey LanaBanana,
I do the same thing too sometimes. It sucks.
Feeling better at all from Friday?

i seem to have used up all my reslience just surviving.

Couldn't agree more arpy1. Using all of your energy to keep your head above water, while others appear to be swimming to their destination with ease. Maybe with a pair of flippers. Later, they're sipping a cocktail on the shore while you get caught in a rip tide... pardon me, got carried away with the metaphor.

Boatsetsailrose, it is difficult to say. I had had a major anxiety attack not long before the introduction of sertraline, so any possible symptoms at startup were essentially what I was experiencing anyway. Right now things appear to be fine though. Sorry that this isn't a clear answer to the question.

Sesame, hearing you loud and clear. Struggled a lot to complete tasks that were usually straight forward, but then took about five times longer to complete post-trauma. So exausting.

Danaus plexippus, indeed. Or a catch 22; too fogged up to have the capability to suspect it was the meds!

Boatsailrose, that's no good. I'm sorry to hear it.
Yeah I dropped from 20mg to 10mg, and noticed improvements in my ability to work, but didn't get the mood low. Because I then noticed other side effects, I was dropped to 5mg while switching to agomelatine 25mg at first it was fantastic then quickly turned to disaster, and also had horrendous side effects to boot. On sertraline 100mg now, and there is no fogginess at all. Wish I was on it sooner!!

You deserve satisfaction from life, and we will be here when you get it  :)

Oh wow! I am still at the beginning stages of researching and understanding what is happening, and your description, Three Roses, has helped immensely. Its only been in the last couple of weeks that my mind has returned to Earth so I guess slow and steady will do it. Gradually working my way through the different sections of this forum! Really need Pete Walker's book.

Absolutely Boatsetsailrose.

These symptoms started as a direct result of, and in the fall out period to, the traumatic events I was experiencing. But what I didn't realise was that these symptoms continued as a result of the antidepressant medication I was prescribed (citalopram). I only clued in to it after a couple of years of frustration - trying to study my masters  :blink: - when my dosage was gradually decreased again and my concentration (and organisation, comprehension, work efficiency, etc etc etc) improved.

I wish I clued in sooner, but at least I was in a comparatively positive mood the whole time.

General Discussion / Re: Personality Change
« on: June 15, 2016, 04:06:33 AM »
Wow! YES to everything woodsgnome, bruisednotbroken, radical and arpy1.

"For a while the new was what I needed, but the bruises were never adequately dealt with." - that's the point I have reached now woodsgnome. That was an amazing post to read  :)

"I was trained and taught to always ignore, overlook, and disregard my own feelings" - me too bruisednotbroken. But now that I have developed a habit of no longer apologising for anything i've turned into a bit of a b**ch. Need to come back to centre again. I have to cross paths with a perpetrator as well, might need to ask for advice on how to handle it. It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive husband too, i'm a tad jealous  ;)

"The part that hurts most is losing my belief system, the way I understood humanity, how I thought I should behave, what I thought the answers were" - radical, I used to be a school teacher, and had a very strong sense of respect for others and self which was integral to creating a safe learning environment. It formed the basis of how my students were expected to behave and interact with each other, as well as other students in school and people within the community. It was amazing to watch each of them develop when they knew they were completely safe... but then... no need to go into details but my head has been a mess since.

"the burning of bridges" has been necessary at times but sad. I hate it arpy1 and radical. Oh well.

Hi AmandaB30, sorry to hear how rough life has been at the moment. There is no need to apologise, you are in the right place to discuss whatever needs to be discussed, there is always a friendly 'ear'. For me this forum has helped gain some much needed perspective. 

I'm not sure if this helps but I recently had an episode of severe anxiety that was triggered by something not entirely innocuous, but was also feeling some similar symptoms as you described. I suppose things could have been a lot worse had I not sought out and used  any and every medical avenue possible before completely 'checking out'. This eventually included admitting myself into hospital for immediate access to psychiatrists and psychologists (going through my GP would have meant at least a one month wait - that would have been disastrous), and medications. Eventually, when I found a good psychologist outside of hospital I was diagnosed with cPTSD. My mother did say to me "What trauma do you think you've been through?" which was the latest in a long period of  invalidation from my family, but given that is something I have come to expect I don't give too much thought or worry to that anymore.

Again, not sure if anything i've said is at all useful or a comfort, but I do understand how overwhelming everything can be. Its been a couple of months for me now, but things are beginning to settle. I do hope they start to settle for you very soon too.

Haha, yes. Had that comment in the back of my mind when I saw the DSM5 in my T's bookshelf. Chuckleworthy  :)

General Discussion / Re: Personality Change
« on: June 13, 2016, 10:17:04 AM »
Thank you all for sharing your stories and points of view. Its very good to find people that do understand.

Three Roses and chairmanmeow I agree that there are some positive changes (for want of a better word), like a lesson learned or a greater sense of empathy. I remember from the first nasty thing that I worked through, that once I started to come out on the other side I really did appreciate the lessons learned from it, and was even able to embrace what happened in terms of recovery. It was horrible, but it showed me how resilient I was at that stage. I still wasn't completely who I was before though, but I came to like myself again.

Then, almost immediately, the swift kick to the guts came over and over, and over time the big changes occurred just like Danaus plexippus describes. I could not keep up with it all and life has just gone downhill since. Like Wife#2 it does feel like a complete 180, i'm not anything like I used to be. I miss the old me, and I want to be her again.

After reading your responses I began to actually remember why I was the way I used to be, not just who. To me, and to my T it was quite a breakthrough. It was exciting to remember that part of who I was stemmed from my choice to be who I was (thanks for the memory jog Wife#2); I wasn't just who I was, I also made deliberate decisions to be who I was. And to some extent its true for the me that I don't like now because I am no longer completely out of control.

The challenge now is to maintain this optimism throughout the steep uphill climb.

Thank you all again for your views. It sounds like we are all at very different stages on the path to greener pastures from Sleepy Hollow. I hope that hill we're all climbing flattens out sooner rather than later.

Introductory Post / Re: Newbie
« on: June 11, 2016, 09:02:01 AM »
Thank you all for the kind welcome.

Hello Thumper! I can see that book has been discussed a lot. Do not have a copy of that book but i'll keep an eye out. Have you started yet?

General Discussion / Personality Change
« on: June 10, 2016, 03:32:54 AM »
Just want to put a question out there and see what others might have experienced.

Over a period of four years in my adult life, I unfortunately suffered through not one but several traumatic experiences which overlapped. Support from friends and family at this time was on the whole non existent. I would not go so far as to say that I had suffered trauma during childhood, though there was plenty of room for a more positive upbringing.

I feel like my entire personality has completely changed from before the events to after. Its like an actor performing a different character from one movie to the next. Does anybody else feel the same?

I read your post with great interest Artemis23, as I also just went through something very similar. I couldn't agree more that you have such wisdom to not only recognise the signs but act on them where others might not have. Very difficult to do, but very gutsy.

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