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Topics - movementforthebetter

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General Discussion / Missing People
« on: August 22, 2016, 05:31:30 AM »
Been thinking of object constancy the past couple weeks. I realized my lack of secure attachments in childhood means I have a tough time believing I am cared about when I am not with the people in my life, including family, friends, and significant others.

I have one friend who is the exception. She frequently texts me to see how I am and asks specifically about things I spoke of, so I know she thinks of me and cares. But with pretty much everyone else in my life, contact is more random and I have a lot of trouble imagining them as thinking of me when we aren't in contact.

Worse, I have some selfishness in me and I can forget to think about others very much in a meaningful way when I am not with them and life gets busy. I am embarrassed that I have many friendships I neglected over the years. I have found small gifts I never sent, sealed and addressed letters never sent, promises left unfulfilled for various reasons. I can be a terrible flake at times and it fills me with guilt and shame. I know communication is a two way street and I did not keep up my end well. Things always start out well and then trail off into silence over time. I don't count social media interactions as meaningful.

Communication is one of my main life values, ironically. Both despite and because of my upbringing. It's a life's work.

I made some efforts to meaningfully reconnect with people this year and mostly it has gone better than I expected. But now I'm encountering a challenge I must have burried in the past: the pain of missing people.

Whenever people I am used to being in contact with are unavailable for a time, I miss them intensely. I start to think of them too much now, sometimes nearing obsession. I don't think it's normal and it doesn't seem healthy. It hurts to have a hole in me that is the exact size and shape of a person I care about. I think that the repeated pains might actually be why I have let things fade in the past. I desparately feared loneliness without knowing the deeper reasons why. It was like repeatedly grieving people when parted for too long.

I think I am now face to face with my fear of abandonment, even though I have done some EMDR on it and somehow thought that meant it should be resolved. What it actually means is I am now in the position to face it and feel it which I had not been allowing myself to do for years.

My inner child is crying out to every person I become close with to not be left alone. It must be so off-putting to those that perceive the neediness. I know I would find it unattractive. But tonight I will listen to my inner child's needs and try my best to soothe her and remind her that she will never be alone because she has me to be with her now.  I hope that is enough to comfort myself, too. If it isn't I'm not sure what will be.

Successes, Progress? / Some Gifts I Acknowledge
« on: August 20, 2016, 09:40:55 PM »
I am stronger and more resilient than most people will ever know. I have experienced significant hardships but am still learning, growing and improving.

While I may or may not have children, I have within myself a connection to my inner child which means I do experience a form of parenthood. And through my inner child I still get to experience the joy of learning and the satisfaction of new discoveries. This keeps me grounded and youthful.

My experiences with deep pain and wounds to my soul have given me perspective that allows me to find great satisfaction in simple joys and natural experiences. I am focused on what will bring me to more of those moments.

I am learning mastery in my life as much as I care to. The deepest knowledge I can reinforce with regards to this is that the less I try to control or perfect my situation the more progress I will make. It is the difference between trying to swim against the current and swimming diagonally across it, lessening the force of impact upon me.

My T told me more than once that recovery work is like climbing Mt. Everest and today I think I really get it. I can't just rush to the top of the mountain, that would kill me. Instead, my progress is made in smaller trips to progressively higher elevations. And each time I grow further, I spend time at that elevation acclimating before going down again for recovery. I need the down times to prepare me for the next push upwards. I need the slow progress to make sure it is sustainable.  Today I accept and am grateful for this.

Books & Articles / The Anatomy of Trauma
« on: August 19, 2016, 09:25:34 AM »
This article could be added to almost every section, in my opinion. Deals with sexual trauma but touches on all trauma.

General Discussion / The Anxiety of Things Unsaid
« on: August 08, 2016, 09:34:06 PM »
I didn't know where to put this I could see it fitting quite a few categories.

I am waiting to hear from a friend if I will be moving in with her. I had hoped to have a set date by now so I could tell the bf, go stay with other friends, and ride out the interim. I had planned to tell the bf today or tomorrow since he just finished a contract and me leaving now couldn't affect his career. My doing this is impacting many lives and I hate being a burden.

I had a rough "final" weekend with the bf which involved me comforting a grieving acquaintance. I think I did ok given the circumstances.

It was extremely triggering to my F's  sudden death, and I was panicked but also detached. Maybe dissociated is a better word. Still wrapping my head around that behaviour. I would be on the brink of tears but never let myself "go there" for fear of making things worse, being selfish/self absorbed, being unable to control my unresolved feelings if I started accessing them. We were in public so I felt pressure to be "acceptable", whatever that means. And I was trying to help someone when I am so wounded myself so I doubted my ability to help.

I didn't sleep well this weekend. And this emotional car wreck happened and now I'm not in the good headspace I had been in for the past couple weeks. The way bf and the bereaved's wife reacted to the situation reinforced to me that I am making the right decision for me by leaving. But also that bf might not be able to comprehend what I need or why and thatbit could be a longer and messier process than I am ready for.

So today I am incredibly anxious. All these things unsaid and all this waiting on pieces out of my own control have me back to seeing in black and white, catastrophising, and feeling incredibly fearful. Not of any abuse from bf, but of all my past times of being abused or neglected, all the times I didn't speak up, each little piece of me that withered as a result. I am terrified that the longer I stay, and the longer I don't say anything, even in light of the extreme circumstances of the weekend, the more likely it is that I will lose my nerve and stay instead. All the times I gave up on myself before, and I am so afraid of failing in this way again.

I have a session with my T tomorrow so will discuss. But couldn't keep this inside. I can feel it poisoning me and I believe that most of my problems stem from being unable to speak freely and being unheard or ignored. Just trying to ride out this fear. I assume ot's an emotional flashback. I hope it is only a temporary setback, and after some rest I think I will try some inner child work.

If anyone has experienced something similar I would appreciate hearing about it.

General Discussion / Self Care and Attending To Pain
« on: August 05, 2016, 03:08:22 AM »
I am like a frog in hot water not noticing the heat until it is too late. If pain is turned up slowly, I don't register it until it is severe.

I had a tooth fixed today. It had gotten to a very painful point. I felt it constantly and was taking migrane pills to manage it for the last week. If I woke at night, it hurt. And it hurt even when I was eating. It's much better now.

Thing is, I can't be sure when the original low level tooth ache was noticed. It started as hot/cold sensitivity and gradually escalated. It might have been as long as 3 years ago. Maybe even longer!  It turned out I had a cavity under a filling and a cracked tooth, and my next step will be a crown.  :aaauuugh:

I have been told that the body's natural state is pain free. I have also been told that toothache pain is very painful and it's hard to miss and if you've got one you'll know it. If I said to someone without cptsd that I lived with a toothache for that long, I am sure that they would react like I had grown a second head. Most people barring the truly broke would find the money to deal with it. But I didn't.

When I was young, part of my abuse was either total neglect of my health or else choosing to save money on my care. My uPDM chose to save money by not getting me braces. This led to me having impacted wisdoms and needing dental surgery years down the line. Thankfully I had insurance at that time. It also indirectly led to the last 3 years to today.

I was taught again and again that my pain didn't matter and that by extension I didn't matter, both by family and by doctors. My mistake was believing that. And it led to the opposite result. For at least the last 10 years I have always felt one form of pain or another, and often multiple. And because of that I think I have trouble accurately guaging the severity of pain.

I write this tonight to validate myself and others when they need to hear it that my pain does matter, and so does yours. We are worth care and all the healing we can get.

Over the last 6 months I have been pulling myself out of the hot water, and for the last 2 months Out of the FOG. I don't know if I'll ever be totally Out of the Storm. But I am healing bit by bit and have hope.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / mftb and the no good very bad day
« on: August 04, 2016, 03:50:05 AM »
Hi everyone,

Today feels like a setback day. I've been expecting important follow-up medical results and due to previous problems obtaining these results I have been proactive and advocating for my own health, calling and following up with both the referring clinic and the specialist clinic to make sure my GP receives the results so I can receive the results. I can only get the results from the GP. I found out last week the specialist finished the results 3 weeks ago. They may have been sent to one or two wrong clinics in other cities. When I called last Thurs I was promised they would be sent right after the MOA got off the phone. That didn't happen. I forgot to check in on Fri then it was a long weekend here in Canada. I called back after the long weekend and my GP still did not receive the results. I call the specialist and the entire clinic turns out to be closed for two weeks now so there's nothing I can do until later in the month. These results are to determine if I am all clear of something serious that has required a year of treatments.

 I am so angry that yet again, medical professionals don't take my health seriously or see/care that their mistakes cause serious distress. I am also afraid that the results may indicate I need further treatment, which is very painful and has been traumatic.

I practiced self care and got excercise but was angry throughout. And my anger started to flash out to others and into myself. Thankfully I was alone all day so I just tried to stay mindful and observant. I did reach out via text but was angry at what I perceived as lack of response. I felt alone and unloveable.

I also was rejected for a job I put a lot of effort into applying for. It stung because I have spoken with the owner, see him at social functions, and am friends with another employee.

I had EMDR yesterday and it was around physical abuse. Of all the feelings I felt, anger didn't really come up. So possibly this all-day anger is an emotional flashback.

I read this thread,, and the first reply finally started extinguishing my anger. I still don't know what was really at the root of it but the statement about never being allowed to be angry really rang true.

Once again, so grateful for this forum and everyone sharing their experience.

Right as I was falling asleep last night I noticed shame about not feeling more shame over my molestation. Is that the critic talking? Nice play, trying to make me feel bad for not feeling bad! I woke myself up to write it down.

Master of bullying, that inner critic, but this time it didn't work. I had a good chuckle about how creative I am, though. Even my darkest corners invent new ways to try and keep going. And this is one of the first times I noticed how wrong this aspect of me is because it was so silly. I feel what I feel. I can't control that. And bullying myself to feel something else is hopefully never going to work again.

Anyone else ever find a reason to laugh at themselves by noticing the ridiculousness of their inner critic?

Introductory Post / Maladapted High Functioning Survivor
« on: July 29, 2016, 08:53:13 PM »
I'm finally writing an intro since I don't know where else to put this. Thought maybe someone else would be able to identify. It's pretty long!

In my life I have usually suffered in silence. My pain tended to seep out in self-destructive ways. But my self-destruction has always been "careful" and had limited impact on others. I've almost always imploded and only rarely exploded with my behaviour. All of it due to the abuse hat trick that started from the time I was born.

Implosion started in about grade 3 when I stopped doing homework. I also wouldn't practice piano. My parents were seperated & never sat with me to make sure I was doing these things. They fought all the times when they were together. I remember trying to practice when they were yelling. I hated it. And I didn't feel safe with anyone so I never talked about it to anyone. I just stopped doing the homework, stopped practising. Eventually quit piano lessons.  I was tested to see if I was gifted but came 2 points under. I don't know if teachers suspected what was really behind my lack of effort or not. I probably would have gone to higher level classes if I had been supported at home. I spent a few adult years angry that no one intervened but now I think even if anyon suspected anythung their hands may have been tied, especially since I couldn't talk about it. The only attention my mom tended to pay me was when she would pick at blemishes as I hit puberty. So that was a "life skill" she taught me. Also cooking so at least one thing was useful.

My comfort came from being alone with books or music. I spent a lot of time outside. I wrote lots of poetry. I also found comfort in food. Starting in junior high I would eat alone. I was also bullied at this time so it makes sense that I did these things to escape.

The lack of discipline continued until my first attempt at college, when I couldn't manage my depression any more. I flunked out in the second year, which was also the year I moved away from home. Up till then I had passed with high marks in courses that relied more on knowledge. My parents told me I would never make money which my skewed perception internalized as I will never succeed. Still I didn't know anything was seriously wrong with me because I hadn't had enough exposure to healthy families or people. I couldn't manage work, school, and pleasing my parents, but counselling and drs were for suicidal people, not me. I was fine, the world was wrong. 

After college I just worked and at work I had my first panic attack. I ended up going on medical leave and never went back. I went on welfare and had my first go at therapy (group therapy) and that had mixed results. I felt like I wanted to get on with living but hadn't actually been taught any skills. Just reccomended to read Feeling Good and use it as my guide. Eventually I went back to work but I wasn't better.

All of this is really glossing it over. There were deaths, relationship changes and other traumatic life events but it'll take to long to detail all of that. Life happened.

Off and on I went through periods of binge eating. I finally left a very complicated relationship with a partner who had multiple health problems. I had been his caregiver and it was eating me up and I was eating my feelings. I moved to my dad's for a few months, realised I had to teach myself discipline, and then moved out for good.

I got jobs and worked up to better jobs but I hated them all within a year. I know now it's because I had no coping skills. I was dating during this time and that was also a mess. I ended up getting into a relationship full of red flags I ignored and moving across the country. That was 9 years ago. Right away problems started.

My first boss here was like my uBPD/NM and it was the first time I was aware I was suicidal. I lost the job due to poor performance. I thought I just had to keep trying harder so I got better jobs and worked harder but still couldn't manage them. I had burried my awareness that I didn't want to live like this, burried it deep. I never told anyone about it until years later because I didn't want to end up in hospital. I had good, high-level jobs but I was so unsatisfied. Then my dad died and I had no emotional support. I was working while my partner went back to school for his dream job. I wanted him to focus on school. But I hated my work and wasn't happy in the relationship. I resented him. I turned to meditation and it helped a little. A couple years later I went back to school and graduated by force of will with honours. But I was depressed the whole time. I didn't feel supported in the way I needed to be. And I could never allow myself to relax.

My explosive behaviours have been cheating at times I had no emotional support and anger management issues that have gotten better over the years. Otherwise everything has been a swirling vortex of internal chaos that made me unreliable and irresponsible for many years. I drove people away or I left. Then I got better at fixing my messes but not myself. I made good friends but still couldn't figure out what I was missing.

So, after all of that here I am, in therapy and hoping I can salvage my life and still thrive in time to plan for retirement (maybe) and the inevitable caregiving my M will require. I've made it pretty far in life but don't have much to show for it. I've been high functioning enough to stay out of serious trouble, but maladapted enough to never be content in life for long. I'm working to change what I can.

Hello all. As a result of therapy yesterday, some confusion has come up and I am hoping people outside the situation can help me see it clearly without the emotional entanglement. Long and complicated. Thanks in advance for reading!!

I am the eldest and a woman. I would say that I have been the scapegoat most of my life, as well as having been made keeper of my mother's emotional state at age 7. She was my main abuser. My brother is younger and the golden child.

Both of us are full adults now and live in different cities from my M. I moved out at 19 but my B lived at home for many years after I left. At 27 I moved to a far away city with my bf and had either VLC or NC over the years while I focused on myself. Lots of therapy off and on, went back to school and graduated. Around then or slightly before, my B finally left home, then he moved to a new city several hours drive from M and sees her every couple months. He's going back to school in the fall. He has a nice gf with 2 kids. She is warm but what I would consider to be high maintainence. That might just be healthy and I don't know it due to lack of experience!!  :Idunno: They want to leave the country after he graduates.

I returned home for family visits this spring. First stop is my B's city. While there I realize how much I miss my homeland and how I am so peaceful when alone, i.e. single. I think this is the moment I came out of the fog. Seeds planted.

While visiting my B and his GF, she tells me that my M is not well, and she is concerned that my M is very unhappy (lol). But still, seeds watered.

My next stop on my trip is to visit my M. She is definitely not well, by her own choices as far as I can see. She is housebound, hasn't worked in years, and holding on to revenge as her only motivation to do anything in life. She was very excited to see me, and had been nicer leading up to the trip. She had been gifting me money for the last year or so. I told her she didn't have to, she said she really wanted to. O.k.  I stayed with her and my SF for a week. I barely see her during this week because she gets sick and sleeps most of the time. I don't worry about it and occupy myself by walking outside and I discover OOTF so I am occupied as much as I can handle. It's the first time I haven't expected anything from M resembling normal and it's mostly a huge relief. I do care about her and don't think she'll ever be normal. She's on disability and is young still. I think of my grandmother, who died youngish, and alone. It really bothers me. So I think maybe it's time to return to my home city so I can be closer to M. Still low contact, but more available than I have been. I have friends there that love me. I could make a good life. Seeds sprouting. I return home and M texts me for a few days and they are loving. I saw the mask crack once while there so I have no illusions about her being different at the core.

My bf says I don't owe her anything. I know I don't! But she is still my M, still a human. One of my core values is compassion. So I am in therapy now to try and sort all this out. I was pretty sure that what I wanted was to leave him, move back to home city, and build my own life, dealing with M as needed and encourage her to take better care of herself. I know she will likely not change, but I don't know if I can live with myself knowing she needed care and I chose to ignore her.

BUT. My therapy target yesterday was abandonment abuse. I went through the session. Last night it hits me. Am I just falling back into the abuse cycle right now? Am I actually seeing clearly, or have M's actions all been a long con hoover? Has my B's gf been trying to plant me so they can leave me to deal with M on my own as she ages? Is my B callous enough to allow that to happen or could it be retrobution because I left? Can I possibly re-engage without it turning abusive again? This is the role I have been groomed for since childhood! Am I being manipulated, or am I being paranoid?  ???

Friends / Erratic Responses From Friends
« on: July 18, 2016, 02:04:37 AM »
Does anyone else have a really hard time getting responses from others when it comes to texts, emails, invites, etc? Overall, I chalk this up to the "information age" making us worse communicators.

I try to not take it personally, but I since I've been making more effort to connect with old friends lately, I've started to see a pattern. I can only get responses from several of my friends if I message them in exactly the right way. Most of these friends live far away now, but even when they were closer I found I still had to approach them "their way". It was like baiting people into conversation. I do miss messages myself sometimes. I always apologize for my forgetfulness when I realize it.

For example, a best friend that is also one of my oldest friends took weeks to get back to me despite multiple texts (1 every few days). I see that this friend is on facebook a lot so I facebook message her for later attempts. She used to reply to me right away, but now she ignores or forgets to reply. She works a lot but doesn't do a lot else except spend time online, which I know because I stayed with her for a week and she did that most of the time. I have switched back and forth between messaging and texts to try to set up a phone call. All this time I am starting to believe she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Not so much as an "I'm busy, try me in a week." So I started panicking and thinking I had already given her all these chances so maybe our friendship isn't healthy anymore. But then the other day I message her a pop culture reference she's into and she replies right away. Later I ask how she's doing and no response again.

It feels like my friendship with lots of history takes more of my effort all the time. She knows I am in therapy and quite vulnerable right now. I still don't think I am asking to much for wanting the respect of a reply.

 I have been called needy by exes in the past enough that I internalized it. Maybe I am needy? But I also think I am not out of line in thinking I deserve 10 seconds for a response. And I can easily think of 5 other friends that I have to approach with similar strategies. Start with the right topic to bait them into talking. It feels manipulative and shallow to me.

This turned into a rant. Is it that I molded myself around their boundaries in the past, and now that I am putting my needs first these friendships seem to be lacking for me? Or am I really expecting too much that people will "treat me as I like to be treated"? Combo of the two? I'm finding this to be a sticking point as I start sorting out my boundaries in relation to others.

Thanks for reading.

I decided I had enough memos saved in my phone, notes in my notebook, and thoughts in my head that it would be helpful to start putting them together in one place. This won't exactly be chronological so I'll include original or approximate dates for the first while. If you read this, please assume there's TRIGGERS in them thar hills. If you read this and get any value from it, I'm glad.

May 24th These are the questions I want to resolve by the time I am done EMDR. Copied from a website about how to leave a partner that you still love. Easily googleable.

Questions to ask yourself about your life:

Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
If not now, when?
Who do I admire?
What did I want my life to be like when I was young, nave, idealistic, passionate?

Questions to ask yourself about leaving men who aren’t good for you:

What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

I had a session with my T today, and the previous week (4 days ago). I've had some sudden and surprisingly positive progress between those sessions, so we went over that. I am getting to my core wounds now. I am feeling more like me from 10 years ago.

This session we also did a dissociative scale evaluation to see where I fell before starting EMDR soon. Mostly low to zero except for a few areas that were mid-range to high. I talked about recent info regarding memories I have repressed, and a situation with a person in which I felt and behaved totally irrationally and out of control with someone who manipulated me. We discussed my current relationship with myself as it is transitioning to self respect and compassion, and current and past friendships and how they are changing.

Grief, love, anger, sadness, shame, hope, on and on. The emotions kept coming and by the end of the hour I think I had felt every one. I left, crossed the street, and had to sit down. I was shaking and I was shaken to the core. Honestly the only other time I have felt similar to this was with the person that manipulated me. It was scary, overwhelming, adrenaline-filled and I felt like I was losing control. I didn't. I felt afraid that I have a PD, that I was going crazy and thatI'd just been to the moon and back, if that makes sense. I sat with myself until I felt confident in walking again.

What was that? Have any of you experienced anything like it? I'm glad my T proposed 2 more sessions prior to EMDR. Clearly not ready yet. Thanks to anyone who replies.

Hi all,

I've been making good progress in recovery but I've noticed a specific hurdle and wonder if anyone else has experienced it.

I have been going for long walks since I was young. Those are consistently soothing and grounding. The natural world is my safe place so I am lucky.

I have been doing more excercises to get healthier as I recover from binge eating. Specifically yoga and physiotherapy for my knees. Yoga is very challenging and puts me in a contemplative and generally peaceful mood, with the exception of a few poses.

The physio is a different story. Some of the excercises leave me completely exhausted and emotionally raw. I sometimes feel fear and anxiety after completing them. The physio focuses on my abs and my inner thighs/groin which is tight/atrophied from years of sitting. I generally do the physio right after yoga. I am going to try changing the timing to see if that helps.

I'm wondering if maybe the combined introspection with the intensity and discomfort of physio is "opening the flood gates" so to speak. I've turned into a crying wreck two days now and my T thinks I should go easier but truthfulky I'm not doing very much, was doing yoga before starting therapy and am recommitting to physio to avoid needing surgery later if I can.

I'd appreciate your perspectives and thanks for reading.

This is a sensitive, sordid topic I haven't seen adressed here. I am concerned if I am the only one to experience something like this that it may be indicative of me leaning into PD territory or perhaps bipolar. I haven't read about anyone else here being the one to cheat. It is also highly personal and I feel broken in some way that I can't parse. I will provide background to try to give context for my actions but not to justify them. Sorry in advance for the length. I have so much to unpack and I need help. I have brought this up with my T but we are only working on coping skills currently and this is still bugging me. I plan to adress aspects of it when I start EMDR soon.

At age 5 I found my F's stash of fetish porn in the basement. I didn't comprehend what I was looking at. I was made to feel shame and guilt for finding it. Around the same time is when I started sexually charged play with a boy my age. It was innocent exploration - how could it be anything else at that age? It was mutual. This kind of play continued throughout my childhood with other friends and I was caught once by my father. More shame. Around age 7 I was molested by a female babysitter (sister of a friend) who was 12-15 yrs old. She said we were playing and to keep it a secret, and I chalked it up as another exploration until I was an adult and realised I had actually been molested. I still have confusion surrounding this experience. I guess that was more of an awakening and I took a heightened interest in sex from around age 8-9 on.

I have almost always been in a relationship since my teenage years. I started being pressured by boys for sex from age 13 on but managed to not lose my virginity until 17 with my first serious boyfriend. I actually had a boyfriend before him that I would have done this with but he was not ready, I made him uncomfortable, and we broke up. This is when I think I started developing an unhealthy pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next.

From the boyfriend I lost my virginity to in '97 up until the present I have only been single for 3 years. Almost all my relationships have been one right after the other. Generally I would meet someone new and become infatuated, feel sick from disloyalty, and end the current relationship so I could cleanly persue things with the new interest.

My choices in men became progressively worse for me. I spent 4 years in a relationship with a man and I was caregiver for the last 2 after he was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. I think now that I was enabling him. He cheated on me twice in those first 2 yrs and I forgave him. I had my first go at therapy during this relationship. I finally left him and was single for 2 yrs but still dated during that time.

There was nothing serious from any of the guys' perspectives. One turned out to be incredibly charming but a liar and unfaithful, probably an N (told me things like all his friends had a purpose). But I fell completely in love with that one before I caught him holding hands with another woman in a mall. I was devastated. And after we messily broke up he kept contacting me and I couldn't move on, thinking somehow there was hope.

I dated a couple others to try and erase him. I got off to a tumultuous start with a guy who was leaving town, setting myself up for more heartbreak. I couldn't handle it, and decided to move across the country a few months later to be with him. We had only been together 6 months before & I was still partially trying to shake the ghost of my exN who still kept contacting me. I told him I was leaving town and that put a stop to his interest.

Things right off the bat weren't great in this new relationship, but I tried to make it work and overlook things that upset me. He was emotionally unavailable & non-communicative & stubborn. We fought as I tried to get my needs met. And slowly I started giving up on my needs and settled into quiet, lonely co-existence. 5 yrs later exN contacted me and was charming as ever. After months of online affair I met up with him and I cheated. It eventually ended with me telling him to never contact me again. I tried to break up with BF but had no courage of conviction and failed twice. Again I settled back into my unhappy relationship. I kept thinking that if I could just make him happy enough, help him enough, he would blossom and treat me the way I needed to be treated. I subsumed myself to him, helping make his dreams come true while I masochisticly suffered for my sin working jobs I hated and remained emotionally unfulfilled.

Fast forward to now. We've been together 9 years & he's tried to be supportive in his way but never the ways I need.  I started binge eating. I had a serious health scare. I am not working after being laid off. I have been too depressed to care for myself. I realised I need therapy an
& planned to start after I took time to go back home for the first time in 4 yrs and reconnect with friends plus see my uPDM and recovering flea'd B. I had clarity that I want to move home and get my life together. It will take me time to get out of my relationship and move back.

And while I was there this time a different ex contacted me.  He was a nice one, a few yrs younger, we'd dated briefly & at the time we decided we wanted different things so we split. We went for a drink and bared our truths to each other. I left knowing there was chemistry. And then he contacted me again, and came to see me again, and I cheated again. I am now in a distance affair.

I plan to leave my relationship and move home. I am in therapy. But I had planned to do it while single. Now I have this affair clouding my view of my future even though we both say we want to be single for a while as we both have baggage. We found comfort in each other and we communicate in the same way, with many things in common. After years without that, I was starving for it.

I wonder what kind of person I really am. I feel like I have no integrity or self respect. It was hard for me to write this but I feel a little better not bottling it up. I'd appreciate an outsider's perspective. Thank you.

General Discussion / Holding Back On Reaching Out
« on: June 16, 2016, 09:18:29 PM »
Hi everyone. I'm new here.

I'm a 36 year-old woman and found this site through OOTF. I've had a lifetime of difficulties stemming from my FOO and have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication over the years. A couple years ago while searching deeper for some answer about what I was suffering besides depression I learned about NPD and it was the first of many lightbulb moments. I have a uPDM, a deceased alcoholic F, an EnSF, a recovering flea'd B & a severely flea'd or uPDSM. I have been in a relationship for almost a decade.

I've just started some preperatory CBT therapy to give me some coping skills so I can begin EMDR in a couple weeks. It is already painful and I have barely begun.

I woke anxious from a dream about my disordered eating. I had been doing better with self care but this is the first day I have had to continue my new practices while feeling shaky and weepy. I've cried more today than I have in months. And still I think I can get through the activities I know are good for me. I am lucky to be not be working currently; I can't yet manage job responsibilities and my increased care routine.

I have some friends but only a couple know the true extent of my distress. Only a couple people know I am in therapy. And my closest friends are both far away. Today especially I have wanted to talk to someone but I resist because I feel so weak, needy, and unworthy. I don't want to overwhelm others with my complex problems and I fear rejection even from my friends, or maybe especially from them. With no stable FOO I don't want to overuse good will or exhause it, especially since I haven't started the real hard part of therapy yet.

How do you reach out to your support group when you need it most without the off-putting neediness? I know everyone has their own challenges, and I want to be able to maintain the enjoyment of my friendships but still find support when I need it most. I suppose this is why I am here, and grateful this forum exists.

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