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Messages - movementforthebetter

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Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 24, 2018, 07:36:21 AM »
It's ironic, but this is the hard part. I'm done work, and for the last 2 days I've done almost nothing. But I only have a week til I leave so the clock is ticking and I still have lots to do.

With the bad fit/abusive relationship combo that was my job, it's going to take time to get over. I had nightmares and work anxiety like a bad hangover the first night, making me unable to get out of bed yesterday until noon. I went out, but was mostly dissociated or derealized, not clear which. But I was definitely out of it. I tried to ground but felt like I couldn't grasp the present.

Then last night, anxiety making me unable to sleep over 3 hours. Now my internal clock is totally messed up. I saw a poisonous-looking spider on my wall and it's pretty-much undone me. I should be cleaning and packing but instead I've been frozen in bed all day. Even almost forgot to eat or drink.

I look around, and at myself. I see how sick I am. I'm flashed back to when I was forced out of my first apartment in the middle of a depressive spell. It had been crumbling and leaking and I had been fighting the landlord for months and I had nothing left to care for myself. A boyfriend came to help me pack and looked horrified at how messy and undone it all was. I figure he thought I was crazy. I felt crazy at that point. And I kinda do now, too.

The important thing for me to focus on, now that I see these are all past situations haunting me, is just being present. Each piece of garbage, each packed item, is a step away from my past and into my future. I'm stronger and healthier than I was then and it won't be perfect but I can do this. It's going to be full of feelings but I see it for what it is. Everything haunting me is in the past and it's ok to deny the past the power to hurt me anymore. Here's to a more hopeful tomorrow.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 20, 2018, 10:53:54 AM »
Here I am at 2am. Woke up from a bad dream. Feeling anxious. Suddenly agonizing over something I said today. Was it the wrong thing, and did it anger  a coworker, because he didn't reply to something I said? I know that it's in the past, I can't change it, and I need to let it go. But what to do when these little instances that barely register in the moment pile up, then come crashing down at 2am? Again I'm back to wondering how I can stop what is precipitated by a physiological reaction before it starts. I don't seem able to, and so I quit the job.

I forsee my life getting much smaller so that I can manage my C-PTSD. I think I want it and need it. It would be nice to try and live a "typical" life, but the cost has become too high. Maybe my life will expand again to the point where I can have a career. But I'm nearly 40. It's probably time to stop holding my breath.

One of the things I struggle with a lot is social interaction. I think most people wouldn't believe that. But the truth is that I have pure and strong reactions to things that I can't hide. And people see that as a fault because it makes them uncomfortable. I'm also very direct, especially when feeling pressure. And sometimes people are insulted by this. Ironically, I tend to spend too much time on trying to make others comfortable, because their reactions to me make me intensely uncomfortable. Things like this 2am rumination happen.

Some people would have that happen once and take it as a sign to change something, because it's so unpleasant. But it's a nearly daily occurrence I can't escape from, and I don't think I've ever met anyone who understood that and could genuinely empathize. I can^t change my life enough to not have it happen. I am now focusing on living so I can manage when it does.

My best improvements in social interaction have been made by observing and literally copying how my friends handle interactions. But when I do this to fit into social settings, like a workplace, it feels like I am being dishonest and masking myself, something most people seem to resent. And it has such a high cost for me. If only all these difficulties had been recognized as a child. But they weren't, so here I am.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 17, 2018, 01:14:14 PM »
I woke up from dreams about the east coast... Like, Nova Scotia. I've never been. The dream was pure fantasy and full of false impressions that don't hold up to daylight. But it was full of feelings that are hopeful and happy. I can't remember the last time I had a dream like that. I'm finally excited, rather than impatient, to be leaving my city for my next phase of life. And I have someone who loves me waiting for me, and I love him. I'm too much of a realist and a cynic to think it'll be perfect, but I'm grateful, and happier than I've been in ages.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 16, 2018, 06:39:14 AM »
Jobs on my mind a lot. Remembering my favourite past job, and how I still became depressed after 2onths.

4 work days remain. I'm glad I gave 2 weeks notice. The chaos (not at all an exageration) will continue whether or not I am there. As it is, my remaining time is being dominated and directed and micromanaged and overloaded. 4 more days.

I'm left with a perennial conundrum: what do I do next? I'm a hard worker, but not a model worker. *Everything* becomes triggering at work. I need a slower job so I have time to ground when needed. At my current job there are days where I would need to ground every 2 minutes. It's impossible.

All my triggers build up with no time to dissipate in a work week. When I start a job, I'm terrified of being judged and found lacking, making a mistake and being fired, and lately, being disliked by my coworkers (which generally didn't bother me in the past.). Then before I know it, usually starting at about 6 months or so, I start getting frustrated where I used to be patient. Shortly after that I start getting the Sunday stress about Monday. Then I dread going to work, then the anxiety work nightmares start. I can't effectively process my triggers fast enough when they do occur, and I don't know how, in any normal work environment I can imagine, I can override my neurobiological responses in the moment. And I tried. I took part in a meditation study about 10 years ago. It helped only minimally. I still quit that job.

I thought at one time, part time was the answer. But schedule inconsistency was also bad for me, and even in the past when I worked just 4 regular days a week, it was too much. So maybe I need no more than 20 hours a week. Regular hours. If possible. And paying above poverty, because that's also a big trigger.

Time of work shift is less important, but I'd like a similar schedule to the 9-5 world. I got lonely when I worked nights, though it was nice to have the general quiet.

This isn't anywhere near my full work wish list. I hope I can finally find something that I can do and like.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 12, 2018, 04:31:42 PM »
I'm still sick, but got up before sunrise like usual. Feeling a bit better and figured nothing better than a walk to clear out the gunk in my body. It was a beyond spectacular sunrise. Simply gorgeous. I was grateful to have experienced it.

It got me to thinking about what kind of work, if any, I will be able to do day in and out. I think the actual starting point for me is what a healthy day looks like. I can start chipping away at that. Some of it goes back to routines from my past. Some will be new routines.

A healthy day involves me getting up and getting outside. In time to see the sunrise if possible. It involves me spending as much time outside as possible. It involves me going to and/or creating a peaceful environment for myself. As I get healthier again, I'd like to share it with others. I'd like to share the joy of my experience somehow.

A healthy day involves me getting moving. It's low-pressure, low-stress, and relatively low-people.

It will allow me to work on projects that appeal to my natural curiosity. It will be seasonal, which I think is a decent timeframe for a reasonable-sized project. Enough variety to not get bored, but not the vortex of constant change I am currently in.

I saw a friend post an activity on Facebook. It's not the first time I saw something and thought "I could do that". But this one, I know for sure I could... With some effort and some help. And it's a good jumping off point, at least. It's nice to feel some hope coming back again.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 12, 2018, 01:48:49 AM »
I've been sick a couple days and already bored out of my skull. Too headachy to do much but rest. On one hand I am enjoying it. I'm getting to some old sorting that probably wouldn't happen without this down time. On the other, I don't have much time left for friends or even just enjoying this city for the last bit of my stay here. Always a trade off. Overall, I think I'm ok with the break. My body can't handle anything else til I get better.

I've decided to start a new journal once I get to the new city. One that is more action, plan, and practice oriented. I think that will be healthy for me.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 11, 2018, 04:43:57 AM »
The enormity of all the work I have to do on/for myself seem as never-ending as the tides of the ocean. I grow and understand something about myself, only to learn how much more I don't know. How far is it worth it to take the healing journey? I know the path never ends, it's just a question of when I stop walking it. I walk around a tree that was blocking my path only to realize the next hurdle looks like a mountain.

So many things I experience fall pretty closely into, if not directly into, serious diagnoses. But I'm rarely ever seen as worthy of help because I float on the fringes of these definitions. Never "severe enough" or "sick enough". I have an eating disorder, but not a widely accepted or understood one. I'm pretty sure I either have ADD or some place on the autism spectrum, possibly both. But again, I had been conditioned that this is me, and I am bad, so don't bother doctors for my relatively minor complaints. I have no idea how to get help, if there is any. I don't know if a diagnosis would help me tolerate the working world without breaking down every couple years.

So many messed up things my family has said and done convinced me that not only was I the problem, but I was also not worthy of treatment. And I internalised all of it. So now the treatment road is fraught with all kinds of emotional distress that Dr's are unlikely to understand or have empathy towards. I wonder if I'm strong enough for this journey, and if it would even provide me with any improvements in my life.

When I go to live with my boyfriend soon, I will be welcomed into his family, and it terrifies me. I don't know how to navigate my own family, let alone his. And deep down I fear that they will write me off as "bad" , and that they'd be right. This is why being alone can be easier at times... Now I'll have to work harder to keep my past from ruining my present. Or maybe it's my future. Anxiety deals more in the future.

Hopefully just getting this out will help me make sense of it a bit.

This one could almost be cross-posted to the sleep disturbances section. Sometimes it's nightmares I can identify as a cause, but usually not.

Has anyone else experienced anxiety/Panic Attacks that start during sleep or immediately upon waking? If so, have you successfully reduced their frequency or intensity at all? How? Is this a normal reaction to prolonged stress or part of the healing/processing journey?

It seems like these are coming up when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I have the least conscious control of my thoughts and reactions to them. It makes one of the hardest impacts on my quality of life. They have the power to ruin a day before it even begins. Any tips or insights are appreciated.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 06, 2018, 03:04:33 AM »
I gave my notice at my job today. My notice on my place last week. I've been avoidant, achy, bingey, distant, exhausted and overwhelmed for months (let's face it, years). I'm hoping this is a turning point. At the very least, I am directing my own life, really writing my own story, however it unfolds. I choose actively pursuing peace of mind, to serve my goals, rather than passively accepting misery. I choose love.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: November 01, 2018, 09:48:11 AM »
Almost at the end of my run at work. Exhausted and achy every day. Feeling so much anger I don't know what to do with lately. Finding myself numbing out a lot. Just wishing this was over. I don't think being unemployed has ever been so valuable to me. Money would be nice of course, but it's not worth the toll it's taken.

In general, I feel like a screw-up. I can't keep up with life, qnd when feeling pressure from others, I try, but end up in a big, overwhelmed collapse, every year or two. I suppose at least I'm seeing this, and quitting while I still have some control.

Somewhere in the books, research,  videos articles section here I found something that talked about how C-PTSD had some parallels to autism. It framed a lot of the symptoms and neurological effects of C-PTSD as part of processing inputs differently, or the inability to process certain inputs. This was immensely helpful to me, both in understanding and accepting myself, but also in explaining to others. It could be for you, depending on how educated, understanding and empathetic he is to those on the autism spectrum.

I personally like this analogy better than comparing our condition to a disease. Autism and C-PTSD both result in neurodivergent people who navigate the world differently than others, and requires active coping, management of symptoms, and care to thrive.

I'll see if I can find the link. Also, it's reasonable if this doesn't resonate for you as it did for me. I think one's approach to care will grately influence if the analogy fits.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: October 16, 2018, 03:25:36 AM »
Thinking about the nature of loneliness VS. just being alone.

My genes and upbringing have shaped me into someone who experiences the world in specific ways. I had no choice in any of that, and it was very isolating.

Becuase the majority of people tend to assume that everyone thinks like they do, we end up with minorities, who are frequently disadvantaged, or at least misunderstood. I am in the latter category now, after spending most of my life in the first. This might be the first time in my life that I would say I'm not disadvantaged, even though I don't enjoy "success" in most material ways. I believe this is because I still have a bit of control over my situation. I am working to change it.

Making the choice to change a situation can be isolating. Most people would rather suffer than rock the boat. Complain over taking a risk. I am in my position of relative choice because of my isolation and being alone. And yet, without my past, I'd maybe be closer to people, supported, and feel less inclined to change my situation. I'll never know. I sometimes try to see the world through the eyes of others, but I'm probably not that successful at it.

I am alone because it's what I know. I am lonely sometimes because I still need connection, like everyone else. Interestingly, as time goes on, I become more accustomed to lonely, and even find some comfort in it.

I think I'm turning into a character trope. A self-fulfilling prophecy. And overall, this is one aspect of my life I'm not in a hurry to change, aside from wanting a partner to share love with.
If I make being alone my choice, I get to believe I can control loneliness, after-all, haha.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: September 29, 2018, 01:40:08 AM »
I had a horribly stressful day at work. Trying to meet deadlines and expectations that have no basis in reality, with people who don't care even enough to do the basics of their jobs. Working here has been a 2 year group project from *. But I did that, at least. Today was an early start, no lunch break, and 30 min OT. Barely a bathroom break. Monday marks 2 years here for me. And I plan to quit within the next 2 weeks. I don't have another job, but I can't take it any more. Can't handle the people and the constant chaos.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months now. Long distance. It's been hard. I love him and miss him. I am going to move in with him in a month. He said it will be ok, he's got my back and we'll get through my settling in and finding a new job together. I feel like I've waited my whole life for a partner to say that to me. It's overwhelming and generous and beautiful and makes me sad because I think this is a taste of some of the unconditional love I never experienced before. I'm so grateful. But also scared. This is unfamiliar to me.

I ate a lot of junk tonight, trying to drown all this stress and emotions. The last 6 months at least, I have been very conscious that I am eating my feelings. I don't have an effective alternative coping mechanism. I feel the wave of feelings bearing down on me and I crave food and know I could choose otherwise. But I feel like only food consoles me right now, so I don't choose otherwise.

I'm trying to be gentle... Hoping that I will get beyond this aspect of suffering in myself without being judgemental and overly hard on myself. Even the moments that feel like failure can be progress.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: September 06, 2018, 06:26:59 AM »
Still sick from a month ago. Not desperately ill, just really annoyingly so. The kind of sick that distracts and drives crazy. It's affecting my sleep, and it is still uncomfortable to swallow. Been to 4 Dr's, including my work trip. No one knows what I have except "not strep". I have swollen lymph nodes and inflamed tonsils and ear pain and pain swallowing. It's a case of wait and see, but after this past month, I'm starting to get anxious. At least I've been persistent. Staying home from work as much as I can afford, going back to the Dr. as often as I think is warranted. I've had mixed experiences with Dr's, but I'm not going to let that deny me the care I need any more. Until I am actually better, I will remind them that I need them to continue treating me, instead of sucking it up and living with it, as I have previously.

Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
« on: August 30, 2018, 03:19:28 AM »
Been home sick with an infection the past few days. I'm probably sick enough to be home all week, but who gets the luxury of a sick week unless they are almost dying nowadays? We live in such a backwards society. So anyway, back to work tomorrow. I should have had a note for 3 days off, but don't. Didn't want to ask or pay for one. I'm an adult. If they want proof I was sick, they can look at my tonsils.

Antibiotics started helping almost immediately. I've actually been sick for at least a month at this point, and some of my symptoms have gone on longer. I went to 2 different Dr's about my ear in the last year. Both brushed it off, basically saying "allergies". Allergy pills never really helped, just masked some symptoms.

This time, with with a serious dose of antibiotics for a different but related symptom, I am seeing improvement and starting to feel better. It's both gratifying and frustrating.

The fatigue is not in my head. The aches are not in my head. I just don't know what is repeatedly causing them for sure, yet. I'm a lucky health mystery.

Have slept so much in 3 days that I am disoriented. Almost bedtime again, too.

I'll be really behind at work, gonna be hard to catch up. Just gotta focus for a week and a bit more til I have a week off. Then maybe I will rest while healthy. That sounds nice.

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