It's ironic, but this is the hard part. I'm done work, and for the last 2 days I've done almost nothing. But I only have a week til I leave so the clock is ticking and I still have lots to do.
With the bad fit/abusive relationship combo that was my job, it's going to take time to get over. I had nightmares and work anxiety like a bad hangover the first night, making me unable to get out of bed yesterday until noon. I went out, but was mostly dissociated or derealized, not clear which. But I was definitely out of it. I tried to ground but felt like I couldn't grasp the present.
Then last night, anxiety making me unable to sleep over 3 hours. Now my internal clock is totally messed up. I saw a poisonous-looking spider on my wall and it's pretty-much undone me. I should be cleaning and packing but instead I've been frozen in bed all day. Even almost forgot to eat or drink.
I look around, and at myself. I see how sick I am. I'm flashed back to when I was forced out of my first apartment in the middle of a depressive spell. It had been crumbling and leaking and I had been fighting the landlord for months and I had nothing left to care for myself. A boyfriend came to help me pack and looked horrified at how messy and undone it all was. I figure he thought I was crazy. I felt crazy at that point. And I kinda do now, too.
The important thing for me to focus on, now that I see these are all past situations haunting me, is just being present. Each piece of garbage, each packed item, is a step away from my past and into my future. I'm stronger and healthier than I was then and it won't be perfect but I can do this. It's going to be full of feelings but I see it for what it is. Everything haunting me is in the past and it's ok to deny the past the power to hurt me anymore. Here's to a more hopeful tomorrow.
With the bad fit/abusive relationship combo that was my job, it's going to take time to get over. I had nightmares and work anxiety like a bad hangover the first night, making me unable to get out of bed yesterday until noon. I went out, but was mostly dissociated or derealized, not clear which. But I was definitely out of it. I tried to ground but felt like I couldn't grasp the present.
Then last night, anxiety making me unable to sleep over 3 hours. Now my internal clock is totally messed up. I saw a poisonous-looking spider on my wall and it's pretty-much undone me. I should be cleaning and packing but instead I've been frozen in bed all day. Even almost forgot to eat or drink.
I look around, and at myself. I see how sick I am. I'm flashed back to when I was forced out of my first apartment in the middle of a depressive spell. It had been crumbling and leaking and I had been fighting the landlord for months and I had nothing left to care for myself. A boyfriend came to help me pack and looked horrified at how messy and undone it all was. I figure he thought I was crazy. I felt crazy at that point. And I kinda do now, too.
The important thing for me to focus on, now that I see these are all past situations haunting me, is just being present. Each piece of garbage, each packed item, is a step away from my past and into my future. I'm stronger and healthier than I was then and it won't be perfect but I can do this. It's going to be full of feelings but I see it for what it is. Everything haunting me is in the past and it's ok to deny the past the power to hurt me anymore. Here's to a more hopeful tomorrow.