Thanks for your words, blueberry, it gave me something else to think about and took some pressure off.
In this week of readjustment I had some moments of... Something. New awareness, maybe. At one point I was triggered by a co-worker, in a situation where I couldn't leave because we were repairing a heavy object. I was on the inside corner, and he started verbally barfing his unhappiness to me, unasked. I saw myself trapped in that moment, physically and emotionally, as I have been in the past. I have had other coworkers physically block me in, or even take hold of me.
They don't know that when they do it, I flash back to any one of the instances of violence that left me feeling so helpless. Nor do I want them to know. I would just like for people to be considerate of others (including me) , which is apparently an impossible ask these days!
I didn't feel as helpless this time. Just annoyed. I no longer care much about my coworkers, which sucks. But I have been away so much that I feel excluded from our team to a degree. I felt it intensely the first time I went on assignment. And it's back this time, too. Always on the outside, it seems. It's ok, I can resign myself to it. And it makes it easier for me when it's time to go.
After feeling pretty down a lot of the past week, I found a spark within myself that reminded me: I have to make the future I want. So at least I managed to clean a bit and do dishes. It's a start.
In this week of readjustment I had some moments of... Something. New awareness, maybe. At one point I was triggered by a co-worker, in a situation where I couldn't leave because we were repairing a heavy object. I was on the inside corner, and he started verbally barfing his unhappiness to me, unasked. I saw myself trapped in that moment, physically and emotionally, as I have been in the past. I have had other coworkers physically block me in, or even take hold of me.
They don't know that when they do it, I flash back to any one of the instances of violence that left me feeling so helpless. Nor do I want them to know. I would just like for people to be considerate of others (including me) , which is apparently an impossible ask these days!
I didn't feel as helpless this time. Just annoyed. I no longer care much about my coworkers, which sucks. But I have been away so much that I feel excluded from our team to a degree. I felt it intensely the first time I went on assignment. And it's back this time, too. Always on the outside, it seems. It's ok, I can resign myself to it. And it makes it easier for me when it's time to go.
After feeling pretty down a lot of the past week, I found a spark within myself that reminded me: I have to make the future I want. So at least I managed to clean a bit and do dishes. It's a start.