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I've been working in the new location for a week and a half. It's mostly been good. I've settled in, done lots of sight-seeing, and spent time with my boyfriend.

Just a lot of little things in this job are happening that seem abusive or stupid to me, which I had mostly been shrugging off, but starting to add up. I'm trying to remember that everyone is under pressure here.

In this role I am building on work from my previous trip. Things I was required to communicate but not given enough time to complete are causing complications now. While I do accept that it was my role to do certain things, much of that work, and this work now, is out of my hands. I have people frequently questioning my decisions or not listening to me when I do answer the questions. I'm tired of having the same conversations over and over, while still trying to jump through the company's  hoops, and complete my tasks with inadequate tools. Feeling like a failure today. Hopefully this will pass before it becomes more painful.

I wonder if I could just do nothing but focus on healing for as long as I needed, what would I end up doing after that? It certainly wouldn't be what I am doing now.

Dealing with intense physical exhaustion today. My body aches and my brain is foggy. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I may not leave my bed today.

It was an angry day. I cannot manage everything being thrown at me. Nor do I want to. Nor am I convinced that anyone else really has, except possibly 1 person. I think I quit my job, in my mind, 50 times over today.

A few years before I got there, they had a strike. It lasted a year and a half. Nothing was sufficiently resolved, and so these years (or even decades) old issues are still there. Still making each task take many times longer than it should. If it's even possible with all the roadblocks that pop up. I feel cometely set up to fail and it enrages me to be held to impossible standards.

I just want to leave. I want someone to say that I should do what it takes to get myself out of the toxic mess. To take the time I need to get better. I want someone to say that they have my back. No one has, and I can't do it alone. I need my paycheck.

I've found dark thoughts drifting through my mind in the past couple weeks. They don't stay long, but they do keep coming back.

I'm not sure how long I can handle this job and the futility of fighting for it. I'm emotionally exhausted.

It's the solstice so apparently I have insomnia. Haven't even been tired. The whole day has gone by weirdly fast, though.

I started packing for my work trip. My clothes are now whittled down to the point that they almost all fit in my suit case and carry-on. I intend to give away the rest before I go. I intend to be moved by year end. I m still home for another week. Maybe it's weirdly early to pack. I think this is anxiety's handiwork.

It occurred to me tonight that I don't truly feel safe with anyone. I was watching a show with witty banter where the characters lovingly, jokingly insult each other. I realized that some of my coworkers have that, too. I don't think I will. Sometimes I think I'm missing out. But I only make jokes like that when "on"... Overcompensating to fit in. I'm too self conscious to think it's ok to make those jokes much. Too self conscious to take the. With a grain of salt if they were made to me. Just one word heard wrong and my ICr starts screaming that it's true and I'm horrible. Plus I'm not fast enough to be considered witty, I don't think.

I think wit is symbolic of feeling free to share my thoughts without fear of judgement. I'm trying to foster that with my boyfriend. He has done nothing but prove he is supportive and trustworthy. It's scary. I feel so vulnerable. I think in the past I have sabotaged things when I felt that way. I don't want to this time.

Watched a show in which two characters are depressed and going through a slob spell. One of them gets manic and starts cleaning. I related waaaay to much to it. I don't think I'm bipolar, but that "maybe" always sits in the back of my mind.

Had a nap due to the heat today, and so am awake late. Head has been running in circles. (Think Homer Simpson spinning around on the floor à la Three Stooges)

I was outside lots this weekend. It was exactly what I need in my life as much as possible. Was also grateful to "the evil corporations" that developed our country enough that there are roads to get to the beautiful places, and paths so that I can visit safely. My first hike of the day I was legitimately afraid of encountering a bear. It didn't happen. Second area I visited was beyond beautiful. Again made accessible by development. I think often of how hard it must have been for pioneers. Yet it rarely occurs to me to wonder how it was for the indigenous peoples of Canada. Did they fear surprising bears in the woods the way I do?

So, despite being a misanthrope, I don't qualify for hermit status. Interesting because I want to live close to nature. Like most people, I suppose. And even though it's a simple life I crave, I find myself working harder and harder to chase it. I will likely have to settle at some point for what I can get... Like most people.

A lot happened in life. I bought a car a couple of months ago. Also had my first minor fender bender already. Beginners Luck!

Personal side of life is decent. Professional side sucks. Need  a job where I won't be overwhelmed... If that exists. I wish on one hand that I had a concrete diagnosis so I could work within my limits without being punished. Although, loads of people are discriminated against with a diagnosis, so it might not help.

For now, just have to spend as much time outside as I can. Make the next few months enjoyable whenever I can.

Thanks for your input, everyone. Lots to think about.

Sleep seems to have settled into 4 hour chunks, with a 2 or 3 hour break in the middle this means that in order to get enough sleep, I need to budget about 11 hours of low-key resting time per day. If I do too much in that 3 hour window, I can't catch my second sleep window. As it is, that second sleep is usually shorter during the week - only and hour or an hour and a half. But I don't fight my being awake. It only makes my anxiety worse.

I learned a few things about my physical/sleep health recently. I snore, and I think I may have sleep apnea. I find with my meds that sometimes I sigh heavily but it's closer to gasping, as though I am catching my breath after holding it. I suspect this happens in my sleep, too. My boyfriend visited recently and told me that I talk in my sleep. I can hold down a conversation and very clearly confirmed that I was asleep. I had no memory of this upon waking.

I've had more vivid nightmares lately. Whether this is because of daytime anxiety, memories of trauma, or both, I don't know. But I've woken up a few times in a panic attack. I saw my Dr and now have a prescription for Ativan, which I can't take unless actually having a panic attack because it's so strong I get narcoleptic for up to 12 hrs. But it's there for emergencies.

It takes me so long to process how I feel about things. This is because it's rarely just one emotion that I feel when something happens. But rather than there being a mix of emotions, even though that's how I'd describe it to others; because that's relatable, it's more like layers of sediment in a river delta. As soon as something stirs my surface, my waters become murky and I have trouble expressing myself clearly, or at all. Then I have to wait for everything to settle and dig through all the layers of my emotions to determine my base feelings and the reasons for that before I can express what I feel. Few understand that, and fewer have the patience for my process. So I get stuck feeling, and the world moves on without me. Whatever I feel and the time I need isn"t relevant in most people's worlds. It's probably the main reason so few really know me.

I cried at work last week. My manager came and criticized my work and told me it had to be redone, while I was literally on the last step of a project, in front of an intern, another team member, and a coworker from a different department. I was so angry with her I had to walk away. The anger and humiliation choked me and I couldn't even speak. I made it to the bathroom but I'm sure everyone knows I cried.

I have no pride in my work there because every time I think I have a reason to feel good about my work, it gets put down by someone. Everyone has an opinion yet none of them have the skills to succeed in my job. And supposedly, neither do I. Yet I don't get the tools, time, resources or training to succeed. I guess I'm supposed to perform magic. I can't wait to quit. I work so hard for so much abuse and it's so demoralizing. This is all so painful for me and I don't know why I ever thought I was strong enough for this. I'm not. If I had understood that going into a creative job would be entering an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have done it. I've had enough of that in my life.

The major plus I am trying to focus on is that I met my boyfriend because of this job. I never would have otherwise.

And I suppose at the end of this, I will have seen "the difficult thing" through, and somehow proved my worth as a person. To who? The world, my family, and hopefully me. It's so easy to say that all doesn't matter. But I don't actually know how to get past it.

I've been having trouble admitting to friends that I plan to leave and move away. It's all so simple and so complicated at the same time.

I don't want to be a drain on my boyfriend when I get there, so I want to find a job first before moving but that is very hard to do from across the country. The longer I stay here, the more into debt I am going. I am travelling for work again soon, which will help make a bit more money. Work, however, is increasingly awful all the time, to levels I won't go into here. So I'm struggling to make it to the fall, and feel that I can't leave yet. I feel like I'll need a big chunk of time not working after this job just to undo the damage it's done. I am afraid to ask for this.

All of this has eroded my sense of self-worth. Don't deserve to go or take time away, can't afford it and afraid to be a burden. Not functioning to boss's satisfaction at work which I let make me feel unworthy of help, hate being there, feel traumatized and demoralized by the toxic environment.

It's quite the corner I've painted myself into.

I've considered medical leave but my Dr is more interested in keeping me working, despite me visiting repeatedly for stress and most recently nightmares. She suggested a CBT program that I will be away at work during. And how do I tell her my past therapy was CBT based and I am still this way currently? I definitely feel like I am falling through the cracks and need more help but can't seem to find it. All the resources out there seem to be for someone else. Younger, older, richer, poorer, etc.

For a long time I didn't write because I didn't like the negative tone in my words. But this is me and my experience. For now I am negative because I am struggling.

Trigger warning for CSA in this post.

I still struggle with the fact that I was molested by a babysitter because I was curious at the time it happened. I get consent and that children can't legally give it. But in my heart I still struggle to call it what it is. Cognitive brain and emotional brain aren't on the same page here.

This weekend some things occurred to me. 1. The babysitter took advantage of my curiosity. 2. Something happened earlier that may have sparked this curiosity - or are most children sexually curious at a young age? I don't know.

The thing that happened was finding pornography when I was 5. I wanted to understand what I was seeing, so I asked about it. This sparked a huge fight between my parents, so that scarred me. But then also having it forbidden and never explained was problematic.

I believe that having pornography somewhere a child can find it is negligence. But could it also be a form of CSA because the child (in this case me) that finds it is exposed to graphic sexual content?

Thanks for reading.

Lately I feel something akin to sympathy for my mother. She was obviously way out of her depth, way too young, and completely not ready to raise kids. She managed somehow. Sometimes kinda. But so much of what happened in those years scarred me for life, and I don't forgive her for that, nor for her eternal selfishness.

The irony is that lately I see and feel it in myself. All of this anger I've been feeling and expressing. I sound like her. All of this exhaustion and wanting to do nothing but sleep. I'm becoming her. I know why. I'm feeling stuck. Imagine that plus two kids she didn't want.  No wonder she was so unhappy. Not that that should have been for me to feel.

I have another friend who has a very rambunctious son. She yells at him a lot and is rough with him. It triggers me a lot. I think it's abusive behaviour that will get worse as he gets older. I haven't said anything. I don't know what to say. She doesn't hit him or call him names, but she's mean and grabs him and yanks him hard.

I'm not a mother. I don't know what it feels like from a mother's perspective. I only know a child's perspective. My perspective. Which is valid, although most of the world seems to not see it that way. 

I think my meds have kicked in. Wow am I angry. About work, and about life, and the notion of respect and the actuality of it. I think I've maybe hit the dose that's allowing me to connect with the feeling. Not sure if it's meds, or maybe my life does suck that much and I can't fake/take it anymore.

This place has become pretty sacred to me. I think what I write here is the most clear and honest description of my experiences in life. And still I question so much. Question myself so much. Play the parts to get by, but the script kills me a day at a time.

Even for friends, it's the same. I'm currently playing "helpful friend" and giving up a weekend to volunteer at an event my friend puts on. He makes money on it. Why do I do it, when I'm not well? Because I'm playing the part of a person who is well. The part of a good friend. Because this is what normal people do, right? Help each other.

Would he have my back? Probably? But none of it really connects on a deep level. Everything feels superficial these days, except for overwhelm and desperation to leave.

I still laugh and can have fun. It just seems that they're anomalies in the sea of my boring depression. They don't last, and I don't feel at home in them for long.

My hope is that in a few months I will be writing a new script in my life. That this will be worth it for what comes next. Hope is somehow still there when not much else is. And just after I hit my breaking point, that's when things will ease up. That's been the pattern of my life, as much as I am aware of it.

I went away for a long weekend and had a great time. But it wasn't enough time away for me to feel rested. I went home sick yesterday right after getting to work, and I am home sick today too. I'm so frozen. I feel like I can't cry anymore. Crying now consists of a tear or two leaking out and that is all. My insides are a total tangle.

I went to my Dr yesterday for my physical symptoms and she said she couldn't detect any physical reason for them. So this is the second time lately that I've been told the medical equivalent of "it's all in my head". Probably.

We're increasing the dosage of my meds. I don't know if it will help me through the next few months but I hope so.

I'm hoping I can pull my life back together a bit today. I've got myself in a difficult spot in life with not much support, so I have to work harder at caring for myself. Put some good habits back in place. Hopefully the rest will feel a bit better tomorrow.

Woke up from a vague but troubling dream and ended up in a rapid panic spiral. I don't feel very coherent in thought.

I'll be finding my company's employee emergency assistance number in the morning.

I've been up for 2 hours, and had almost convinced myself I need to go on leave, which triggered an EF about the time I was on leave 17 or so years ago. The forms, the interviews, the group therapy.

I'm hoping that by noticing this spiral and acknowledging it, I can calm down. I need tomorrow to be a good day, a productive day. I'm behind answering feel like there's little chance of success without working unpaid overtime and letting myself be exploited.

I have a coworker who took leave last year (and her workload was dumped on me). I plan to ask her about that, though. I want to know what her experiences have been like. I suspect similar to mine, but she says she loves her job.

I've been trying so hard to stay in the moment lately. Mindfulness of sensations does a tiny bit. Visualizing putting feelings in a box does nothing. I'll try to take moments to check my breathing but things come so fast at work that the only chance I get is when walking from one task area to another, if I don't get interrupted by someone. My last resorts that I can remember now are visualizing a reverse spiral, and visualizing my safe place. At least I remember them this time. Usually in a panic attack or EF, I don't.