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June 14th. OOTF about 3 weeks at this point. This was my first or second session with my T.


Other trauma to process:

Dad's death and moving through loss/abandonment.

Invasive medical procedures (internal medicine, dental, etc.)

Crowded , hot & confined spaces

People who don't stop talking about themselves and talk a mile a minute so I can't get a word in.

Chronic insomnia. Started in my last year with J.

Disordered eating/healthy coping.

Finding pornography at 5.

Family secrets and shame. Mental illness and suicides.

I decided I had enough memos saved in my phone, notes in my notebook, and thoughts in my head that it would be helpful to start putting them together in one place. This won't exactly be chronological so I'll include original or approximate dates for the first while. If you read this, please assume there's TRIGGERS in them thar hills. If you read this and get any value from it, I'm glad.

May 24th These are the questions I want to resolve by the time I am done EMDR. Copied from a website about how to leave a partner that you still love. Easily googleable.


Questions to ask yourself about your life:

Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
If not now, when?
Who do I admire?
What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?


Questions to ask yourself about leaving men who aren’t good for you:

What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?

The other thing is that I have major trust issues and have no idea what love is ...

Hi Greg, you are not alone.

I literally said that to my therapist last week. I honestly don't know if love is supposed to be conditional, or is it really unconditional, or does it depend on the person? I hope I can find out for myself one day.

Being abused as a child robs you in 3 ways. First, of your safety when you are young. Second, of trusted role models you need to grow into a well-rounded adult. Third, of enjoying aspects/benefits of adulthood others take for granted because you have to work so hard just to re-parent yourself because of those that failed when you were young.

I became my mother's emotional keeper at age 7 and have been feeling anger lately at the unfairness to kid me who was totally left behind in some major developmental stages that other kids experienced. Funny enough, not mad at mother, who clearly just shouldn't have had kids. Just mad at the great cosmic joke of it.

I don't have kids now and I don't know if I ever will, but I'm getting to experience parenthood twice, once as a child, dysfunctionally parenting my mother, and now as an adult, carefully parenting myself. Maybe that's the flip side of the cosmic joke? Some people never experience parenthood at all.

When I'm in a situation where someone is clearly reacting out of proportion the circumstances I can easily tell myself  "Whoa, are they ever having an EF!"

🌟⚡💡

What a great perspective!! I hope I can remember that next time I witness the same kind of thing.

I keep coming here to respond and expand but am finding language inadequate right now. A lot of what you say resonates with me.

My T replied that it was great that I did the grounding and that I stayed with the feelings and stayed safe. She said it was a totally normal experience within trauma work, that our session had activated something deep. It's not a symptom of being overwhelmed, it's a symptom that I am making progress.

I woke up full of "grief energy", which I don't have quite the right words to describe. I wrote it out but just accidentally deleted it. Basically I think it's similar to anger, but has a compelling need to ACT NOW. I think my writing about it and examining it is the same as what you are saying about working with the fear rather than trying to avoid it.

I was talking to my inner children last night before bed. Slept better than I had in a while without medication, but still not a full night. Never a full night. Anyway, I think one of them opened a window so there was this space for fresh air, light, and energy this morning. And it did stir up some darkness, but not an overwhelming or frightening kind.

By all means, keep sharing if you feel compelled to. I am finding iy helpful to read your perspective and experiences. I too am extremely wary of beaurocracy and I think I would not take your situation well. It's good that your T is reassuring.

I also specifically chose my T because of her secializing in cptsd and emdr, as well as her focus on thriving, rather than just surviving. Sounds like we may have some similarities.

Actually, when I think about it, I was still holding back with my T even though I felt all those emotions. I often feel like once I uncork there'll be no way to stick the cork back in! Am I maybe missing the point, that I have to actually let it all out completely? It really seems too scary to do that, but I'm not sure if that's really what I think or if maybe it' my Inner Critic or even my M's idea.

I don't know if I want to find out, but do wonder what would happen if I didn't filter anything for a while. Would it be destructive? Liberating? Both? Neither?

I have chronic physical tension that I am sure is stress and repressed emotion related. My medication has made jaw-clenching worse so now I almost always feel it. I have yoga and a night guard for my teeth. Both help somewhat. It's funny how I have all these negative symptoms from my traumas and still my biggest fear is that I will drive people away. Talk about self-abandonment. I guess a lot more inner child work is needed to reassure me that I am now safe and worthy of healing and whatever experience it comes in.

Yes, I've experienced episodes like that, in varying proportions...

As you described the aftereffects, it seems like perhaps the intense emotions touched a nerve that led to feeling overwhelmed. You did mention it was similar to how things were around the original manipulation, so I suppose it could even have been on the order of an emotional flashback or trigger. The circumstances weren't the same, but the emotional storm was.

...There's still a resolve of holding on, especially with another person--the T-- present (dissociative, perhaps; plus fear that the emotions would worsen if I let them in). That you appeared on the edge of overwhelm may actually, then, be an alright (albeit rough) development, as if the emotions are ready to aid in healing. Kudos also on the grounding you practiced after.

Some of this might be related to building a trust level with your T? That's also been a major stumbling block for me but, like you, I seem to be getting better, finally. Reaching that trust level might also contribute to allowing those emotions in. Only this time, you may be ready to accept them as part of the process to where they won't, strange as it seems now, overwhelm so bad as they work through.

Thanks for your reply, woodsgnome. Your insights are helpful. While I am relieved I'm not alone, I'm sorry that you've gone through it too, as it sure is a rollercoaster.

I might be unusual in that I lean way more towards overwhelm than dissociation most of the time. I have been consciously denying my feelings and experiences for years. I have repressed memories but do know that the events happened. One of my biggest blocks in healing is being afraid of my most intense emotions. I feel everything pretty keenly. And I am very afraid of being overwhelmed and losing control because of all the times I was powerless to stop what was being done to me in the past.

Now I do have some coping tools and am starting to use them, so I am reclaiming my power bit by bit. Grounding helped because I knew that even if I didn't feel clear-headed after, at least I tried something instead of giving in to my emotions. I remembered it considerably later but I hope in time it might become second nature.

I do trust my therapist. We talked about abandonment in my closest relationships and how deep down I find it hard to truly trust anyone because of my past. I might have been triggered by that. Then in the aftermath I was even projecting that stuff on her, seceretly thinking I was too crazy for even her to cope with and too draining/annoying a person for anyone to want to be around. Deep down I think everyone will see that I don't deserve love, care, or support and that they will all leave. That's a big deal for me to realize that I had that still inside me.

Thank you again, woodsgnome.

Adding some clarification. The person who manipulated me was years ago, not recent. I was out of control in regards to this person, and I was aware of it but couldn't stop myself.

Sometimes over the past year I have wondered if I might have bipolar. Like maybe that was some kind of episode? Or maybe a panic attack without my usual symptoms. I tried self-soothing but was in too much of a state.Going to email my T with what I wrote here.

I walked around for a bit after and still felt out of it. Caught the bus home, wrote my post, and went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things. While there I realized it was the perfect place to practice grounding with my 5 senses. I smelled fruit, observed colours, listened to the sound of my footsteps, held a package, and bought some chocolate to taste. I am feeling more level now. Grounding was not an immediate reaction and it was a slow process today, but I am hoping with practice it will become one.

I had a session with my T today, and the previous week (4 days ago). I've had some sudden and surprisingly positive progress between those sessions, so we went over that. I am getting to my core wounds now. I am feeling more like me from 10 years ago.

This session we also did a dissociative scale evaluation to see where I fell before starting EMDR soon. Mostly low to zero except for a few areas that were mid-range to high. I talked about recent info regarding memories I have repressed, and a situation with a person in which I felt and behaved totally irrationally and out of control with someone who manipulated me. We discussed my current relationship with myself as it is transitioning to self respect and compassion, and current and past friendships and how they are changing.

Grief, love, anger, sadness, shame, hope, on and on. The emotions kept coming and by the end of the hour I think I had felt every one. I left, crossed the street, and had to sit down. I was shaking and I was shaken to the core. Honestly the only other time I have felt similar to this was with the person that manipulated me. It was scary, overwhelming, adrenaline-filled and I felt like I was losing control. I didn't. I felt afraid that I have a PD, that I was going crazy and thatI'd just been to the moon and back, if that makes sense. I sat with myself until I felt confident in walking again.

What was that? Have any of you experienced anything like it? I'm glad my T proposed 2 more sessions prior to EMDR. Clearly not ready yet. Thanks to anyone who replies.

I agree, Jenny Blout. I've always been sensitive to caffeine. So much so I get the racing heart you mentioned plus stomach upset and sweating. It can definitely putme into a tailspin if too strong. And with my new meds the affect is amplified. Been weening myself off it for a few weeks and have noticed some relief. I still have more motivation than I used to and I feel healthier, too.

I am just starting to get in touch with my IC and like kizzie I have spent so much time trying to rid myself of her without truly acknowledging her.  So thank you, kizzie, for sharing your experience & tying abandonment to that deep, soul-dragging loneliness.

I have spent my life trying to find someone to take the pain of abandonment from me, yet at the same time I could not see that I was perpetuating my own abandonment against myself, again and again, by not having confident boundaries in place to protect myself from the start. It didn't matter if they were friends or lovers, I would give anything and everything to please them at first. When they failed to reciprocate I would usually pull away, feeling betrayed. Or worse, if they were a clearly healthy person, I would withdraw because I didn't feel worthy of them and didn't want to drag them down. Now I see that if they are truly healthy, I couldn't do that unless I abused them.

One of my oldest friends, whom I have supported in her ongoing recovery over the years, caused a great deal of damage and triggered my abandonment severely. I thought I was over it, but find I am triggered again now that I am the one reaching to her for support. I don't think she's actually abandoning me this time though. I think it's that she's actually enforcing boundaries for herself whereas I never did even at her most destructive. So I feel abandoned, and this is precisely the time I need to focus on my IC because she sees boundaries the same as abandonment and loneliness but I as an adult know they are not. I think back to all the people I might have alienated with neediness and, well, it's a lot.

Last night while going to sleep I started talking to my IC to try and quiet my anxiety. "I am here for you. I love you. I am here for us. I love us. I am here for me, I love myself." It definitely felt unnatural but it also worked to quiet my racing bedtime thoughts. This morning I tried saying the Pete Walker excercise and it felt less unnatural. I also cried, so there is something to it. There is pain waiting to be released. I'm getting a little closer every day, even days like yesterday, which was messed up from lack of sleep and self-care challenges. I was still there for myself at bedtime. I am working towards being there for myself full-time.

I don't have much to add to your post. Incredibly well said and I will be re-reading it from time to time as a reminder to stand tall. I have also had friendships that are toxic and it feels like taking off a too-heavy coat in spring to realise it and maintain the right distance.

Thank you for this post. 

 

Good morning, Three Roses! Isn't it a beautiful feeling? I love waking up happy. There's something so nice about the potential and anticipation of mornings that is exponentially nicer than any other time of day, in my opinion. Enjoy every moment.

Thanks, both. It's so exciting to be on the recovery path but it's also amazing how foreign it can be at times.

I did just physio and walking yesterday. I felt ok. The physio exhausted me to the point that I fell asleep after but at least I wasn't a wreck.

I do have some SA in my history plus some unclear memories I'm going to address in EMDR. I'm trying not to "construct" or influence my memories before then so I don't know if I should hold off on the book or if it might be helpful to investigate further beforehand but I am very curious about the book.

Stretching (yoga) should come after physical therapy, not before. Is this yoga class designed for larger bodies? Have you told your yoga instructor about your knees? Has she demonstrated accommodations for your safety? Ask your physical therapist and orthopedist if the yoga poses you take exception to are safe for you. People like to think of yoga as a science. It's not. Yoga is a philosophy.
Try this meditation and see if it helps with the crying. You may do it sitting, standing or lying on your back. Cross your wrists in front of your sternum, palms facing each other, fingers relaxed as though cradling a sweetly singing bird. Visualize the beautiful lush green natural world that is your safe place. Imagine you can even smell the nourishing scent of fields and forests. Repeat in your mind: "I am growing in compassion, loving kindness and self-acceptance. Take a deep breath in, while breathing out chant Ay (as in play) relax, smile! Take a deep breath in, while breathing out chant Yum (as in yummy) relax, smile, repeat!

Yes. I am a yoga instructor.

Thanks Danaus. I am doing yoga at home as "yoga culture" where I live turns me off. I use a series of yoga videos for beginners and usually only 20 minutes at a time. Very basic. I listen to my body and don't attempt things that are way beyond my level. The most difficult things for me are transitioning from downdog to a lunge and then up into the warrior poses. Those are hard on one of my knees in part due to the tightness and in part to my being top-heavy. I could probably stand to drop the transitions alltogether. As it is I do what I can and shuffle into poses to avoid injury.

My knee had improved somewhat since starting yoga about 5 months ago, as did my strength. I can do pushups now!

I really only notice the strong emotional reaction from two of the physio exercises. And the exercises are somewhat similar to yoga albeit more challenging and repetitive. I'll try doing just physio tomorrow and for the next few days and see how it goes.

Can't afford a yoga class or physio currently. All my "disposable" money goes to my T. I have abfriend who is a kinesiologist so I'll ask her about this when I see her again next month.

I will try the meditation today. It sounds like a good piece of my recovery work and I currently don't have a meditatio practice, so thank you.