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Lately, after my last hospital stay and trauma in November I have been reflecting on how my abuse as a child changed the person I might have been.  I can pinpoint it back to the time I was in  elementary school, how things seemed different for me.  How I didn't interact the same as other kids did.  Maybe I am doing what if's, but I know I don't have the life I would like or the life I should of had.  I have had some successes, but they were almost torture.  I ran and did so competitively, but I was completely obsessed with it and my diet.  I later had to stop because of osteoporosis due to my eating disorder and my inability to let myself recover when needed; I pushed beyond human limitations.  I am well educated; I did so while working.  Yet, I obsessed over my grades and I worried constantly about if I was good enough.  Now, I don't give myself credit for my education because I don't feel I went to good enough schools.  The stress from being perfect took a toll on my health both physically and mentally. 

I am 45, retired and disabled.  I had kids early because I rushed into marriage and family (trying to get that family I never had, but always wanted).  I'm divorced and alone.  Having kids early, means they leave early.  Mine didn't just move down the street, they went into the military.  It's not even just the physical aspects of it all.  It is the misery I feel day in and day out.  The lack of judgement that I seem to exercise over and over.  I should of been so much more.

I haven't spoken about it.  It just came out in therapy, but my inability to exercise boundaries and my lack of judgement hurt me again.  Boundaries are the single most difficult concept for me to learn.  Like an idiot, against my better judgement, I let someone in my house to drop off something after a night of drinking.  Drinking has been an issue and I've been doing well after my latest inpatient treatment.  I was drunk, then passed out.  I only have two memories I was so drunk, but it is enough.  This was in November, November 9th to be exact.  A different person wouldn't have gotten into that situation.

And yet, while all of this has already been on my mind, Barbara Streisand said "it didn't kill them."  I beg to differ, I think it killed me in a way that she cannot understand.  it profoundly influenced my life in a negative way.  I read the other day that there are people who are alive because their kids are.  I thought that was beautifully stated and so very true. 

I am having more anxiety than usual.  My had shake what feels like constantly.  I've been self conscious in stores and try to put my hands on the counter to steady them.  Today I was trying to flip through photos on my phone and had a hard time because my hand was shaking.  I tried to steady it on the phone, but again, embarrassed.  As I type my left arm is twitching and has been for some time, I'm home, alone.

I saw my nutritionist and we were trying to figure out why, so she wants me to log it.  Potentially, it could be that I stopped drinking and I don't have that sedative effect.  Potentially, with me stopping drinking, not relying on my eating disorder, and not over-exercising I don't have those negative coping skills and need to find other ones.

My fear is I had a trauma in November, I feel totally responsible.  Drinking too much and not eating enough caused me to get overly drunk and pass out.  I wonder if that last one pushed my love the edge.

I don't know; I don't know what to do.  I still have my arm twitch, I hope it goes away soon.

I've been talking about moving away from the vicinity of my sister since I was inpatient in early 2017 (trauma program).  Since then I did a lot of talk and no action.  I think it just felt too big to do alone.  It came up again while I was inpatient for my eating disorder.  I now have had 3 therapist and 3 psychiatrist tell me to go.  I've put my house up for sell (I think I may have an offer) and I bought a new place.  It isn't that far away, 90 minute drive, but far enough. 

In September my sister said my dad died a broken man because of me.  She also said I was 100% responsible for ruining my mom and dad's lives.  Since then the thought of seeing her causes a panic attack.  I live about half a mile away and I am afraid to walk my dog in my neighborhood. 

I'll need to build new support, but it is close enough that I can keep my providers at least for the time being (or as long as I am willing to drive).  I had to go while the motivation was fresh from being inpatient again. 

Lately, I've had a lot of blood test trying to find out why I am hypoglycemic.  In doing this they found that my vitamin B was more than double what it should be.  So then they ran the MTHFR gene mutation and found I was positive.  This is a common mutation that can cause a lot of problem.  In my case I was positive for a compound heterozygous mutation.  What this means is I can't break down vitamin B which causes a deficiency.  This also means I can't produce serotonin and also means my SSRI antidepressant isn't working as well as it could be.  Once they decide what to use to treat it, it seems to be an easy fix.  I will be given vitamin B that is already broken down so my body can absorb it and use it.  Researchers are finding a lot of mental health issues can be related to the MTHFR gene.

The bad news, my hypoglycemia is reactive hypoglycemia and is related to years of being anorexic.  No one really knows why is hasn't resolved after the first few weeks of weigh gain and they don't know how to treat is.  For now, I have a glucose monitor and emergency glycogen tablets on hand for an emergency.  I am being sent to a specialist. 

Two weeks ago I was subtly threatened that if I continue to lose wight I need to go into the hospital.  So I did the okay, okay, I'll do better.  I think for a week I did.  Then I went back last week and the threats changed to a more supportive discussion.  I said I did better last week and she said she doesn't want it better for a week she wants better all the time.  She also said that the place I am currently being treated cannot give me what I need.  They don't treat eating disorders.  So I am considering it.

I think my real problem is drinking.  I have lost some weight, but I am not horribly underweight, slightly.  Yet, I drink usually close to a 4 glasses of wine in the evening.  I know I am drinking most of my calories.  If I stop drinking my weight would drop significantly.  Still, I don't feel thin enough to go.  I don't want to be the person that doesn't belong.  I know my weight isn't critical at all.  I am barely underweight, not alarmingly so.  I know I've lost weight this month but for a short two weeks I cut back on drinking and that was when it dropped.   

As I write this the decision seems clear.  But, I don't want to go, and if I do go I don't want to feel out of place.  I was in a trauma unit for two months early last year.  Going in and out of the hospital is no way to live, but neither is the way I am.  There is also a part of me that is mad.  I wish I didn't have these struggles.  I look at people who don't have these problems and I know the difference is trauma.  So I'm mad, mad because of what happened continues to impact my life.

I've been gone for awhile.  I was off, moving forward with my life.  I was reconnecting with extended family that I had been told hated me, but that was never true.  I had actually been "forbidden" from speaking to them, but I did anyway.  My sister is angry because she feels she was cheated with an inheritance by them.  She was not.  I was unprepared for what I got when I returned.  I knew she would be mad, I didn't know she would bring my dad going to prison (for abusing me) into this.  All of our conversations have been by text and I stopped replying long ago, but she continues. 

She has said to me that I ruined my mom's and dad's life.  I, and I alone am 100% responsible.  My dad died a broken man because of me.  My extending family should be trashing me.  When I asked her why she is bringing the past into this she told me because it is the past, present, and future.  Yet, the most hurtful thing was my brother in law (whom I have known since I was 11 and always considered a brother) unfriended me on Facebook and then sent me a text to let me know.  He didn't have to do that.  I had hoped he would of been a voice of reason.

She had said that we have moved on from the past.  However, I can see it is not true and never will be.  I have made a point to not make it personal despite her mean texts.  I want to defend myself, but there is nothing I can say.  I want to remind her he confessed and other family members have come out that he assaulted them as well after he died.  The thing is, she is never going to listen.  In trying to defend myself I am only going to bring more hatred.

At one point I wondered if she was trying to kill me.  She knows I have struggled with mental health and had past suicide attempts.  Last year I spent two months in the hospital.  I feel like she was trying to push me off the cliff.  I was feeling horrible yesterday, but am feeling a little better today.  However, every time something new comes in I go right back to feeling awful again.

Something has been going on with me.  I've relapsed in exercise and eating disorder issues.  I'm touchy and take things the wrong way.  I've been disowned by my sister for the second time in my life.  The first time is when my dad went to prison.  This time, I have started talking to a cousin that she has forbidden me from talking to.  My cousin hasn't done anything wrong, just my sister fiercely defending her denial.  My mom has also forbidden me from talking to her.  It is only a matter of time before my sister tells my mom.  My cousin's big crime was lending my mom a lot of money (huge amount) then accusing her of not repaying it because of a gambling problem, all of it is true.

I have kids that are in the military.  I have my family in another country.  I have a good friend, who can only be so much.  I am alone.  Maybe I am in a huge EF of when I was 17 and alone, desperately trying to survive.

The hard thing today is my mom invited me for breakfast with my sister.  I said I already had plans.  She asked me to tell my sister.  To keep up appearances I did, so when my mom met her she would know where I was.  I sent a text and she never acknowledged it.  She wants me to apologize for talking to my cousin.  I feel I can talk to who I want, she doesn't have to like it, but should respect it.  My sister once didn't talk to her son for two years.  I don't think this is a short term issue and I can not apologize so she will like me.  I have to defend my rights as a person.

I have been a big fight with my sister, huge.  She is mad I talked to a cousin that I have been forbidden from talking to.  She called me selfish, untrustworthy, said I betrayed her, she is disappointed in me.  I never went there; instead I maintained I can talk to who I want, when I want.  I don't have to ask for permission and I don't have to report it.  The less I responded the angrier she got and the worse she got.  She brought up my dad, how much she has gone through (implying when I reported him and he went to prison).  How she has worked hard to overcome my actions and I should have compassion for her.  Instead of begging for forgiveness, which I would have done a year ago, I maintained my position of having my rights.  I wanted to call her manipulative, controlling, and mean, but I didn't.  I simply kept it about my rights to talk to who I want.  She even asked if someone else was writing my texts.

My therapist asked today where I go from here.  I said nowhere.  I am not going back and I am maintaining my current position.  I mean that.  How she feels about me came out.  She said the past is behind us and it clearly it isn't and never will be.  I am heart broken.  Not to mention I feel betrayed by my brother in law; who I have known since 11 and thought of as a big brother.  I am heart broken, but proud of myself at the same time.  I stood up for myself, my rights, and never went to her level.

I haven't dated since my divorce two years ago.  It isn't because there are a lack of men, but because I don't like any of them.  I don't feel I can connect.  I don't feel they are stable.  I also feel that the thing they are drawn to is my looks.  I'm not comfortable around them at all.

I've been doing volunteer work and it has put me in contact with a man who is old enough to be my dad, two years younger than my mom.  He is stable, mature, healthy.  I can talk to him for hours and have.  I find myself wanting more.  And then I wonder, am I drawn to him because he is a father figure?  I think it is sick if I am.  I did feel I had a special relationship with my dad growing up.  I felt he was the only person who loved me.  He also encouraged that.  Here I am at 44 feeling special to a guy who is old enough to be my dad.  I think I'm disgusting.

This topic has been moved to sexual abuse because of the subject matter.

I don't read the news often, but isn't keep me from seeing things on other sites.  I came across a story about a father (39) and his daughter (19) being arrested after a witness saw them having sex in the backyard.  This was in Florida.  They were both arrested for incest.  When they interviewed the brother about it, he said it is the story of his life.  He was a single father raising both his kids alone.  Their mug shots are posted side by side.

I'm struggling with this, greatly, for a few days now.  How is this different?  Her being arrested and her mug shot released says she is guilty of a crime.  She was released on bond.  It does sound like it went on for some time but the father is saying it is a one time thing.  In my mind, if she is guilty then so was I.  I was 17 in the end, she was 19.  My dad was actually charged with incest, why wasn't I?

As part of my eating disorder I had huge exercise issues.  By huge, I mean I ran 90 miles a week.  I would work out one to times a day, seven days a week.  As part of recovery I was restricted from exercise and still am.  They want my BMI to be 19 first.  I can do yoga and walk. Last week I joined a gym that has unlimited classes, like yoga.  I feel I need to fill my day more.  And here is the problem, I have not been able to get past the aerobic machines to even get to the class.  The first time I was able to stop at 20 minutes and I was proud of myself.  The very next time it was an hour, even after telling myself only 30 minutes.  The reason it was an hour was because I kept wanting to burn a few more calories.  I can see this turning into 3 hour sessions if I keep letting it go.  I thought of asking someone to come to the gym with me, but the truth is I don't want them seeing my behavior or limiting it.

I suppose I need to tell my therapist, I don't really want to.  I wonder if this started again because of the work we have starting doing.  We having really been going into feelings from the abuse.  Also, because of the difficulty of the work we reduced sessions to every other week instead of weekly. 

Also, this is a struggle that I feel like no one understands, no one.

I was out with a friend this evening.  She has become been a huge support for me though she knows little of my story, but some.  Last week we went shopping, something I hate but tolerable and safe with her.  I really needed new clothes and she was there for me.  She bought a skirt but we didn't find a top to go with it.  Tonight she told me she found a top.  I asked her to describe it and she said she just did.  She said she just told me it was mint green, longer at the back and crop in the front.  I heard none of that.  She said it's no big deal she's getting use to it.  Then she went on to tell me I do that all the time.  I had no idea.  I was aware of it some, but not to that extent.  My kids would say, mom, mom, what were you thinking about and I would make up something.  My kids are gone and now a friend.  At least she is okay with it.

This week I had my feelings really hurt twice.  Once today and once earlier in the week.

I've been doing some fundraising to help homeless vets.  Doing this it puts me working with an organization of mostly older gentlemen in a veteran organization.  One of the men hit on me, he wasn't exactly subtle either.  It was an offer I couldn't refuse (sarcasm here) he said that he would love to get to together with me when his wife is at work.  He also paid a lot of attention to me in front of others.  I told him no.  There is one female who works there and I think I have become the subject of a joke behind my back.  Sometimes people are just not as discrete as they think.  I caught it today.  I looked up to see her make a gesture towards me and one of the guys told her "your bad."  This was after the guy I turned down said something to me.  I have a commitment tonight and then I'm done.  Yet, I'm deeply hurt.  I was trying to get myself out there.  The joke may have been about him, but it doesn't matter.

When I worked I always had my feeling hurt.  Since I retired it has been nice to have a reprieve.  Now, I'm trying to get out there it is happening again.

The other thing is the retreat that I was suppose to be the peer mentor for never contacted me about going this month even though they asked me and even sent me to training.  When I went as a peer mentor in training I was really sick with the flu and tried to pretend I wasn't.  To say the least I wasn't very good, I had a 103 degree fever.  I was suppose to go at the end of the month.  They just never contacted me.  I should of had plane tickets by now and I've heard nothing.  I was on the fence anyway because this retreat was for sexual trauma and I was worried I wasn't ready.  Still, it would of been a courtesy to contact me.

I just read the book and found it inspiring.  Certainly triggering.  Still, what I got the most from it was how her family abandoned her.  When anyone finds out that my family didn't support me, even called me a liar they don't understand and even ask why.  I tend to make up reasons to quench their curiosity and to be honest, defend myself.  When I am asked why I feel like I am being accused of lying, even if they are not making the accusation.  The problem is I don't understand the why either.  When I read her book I felt supported.  Her family was really nasty to her as mine was to me.  I feel a little more like I can cut them off and I know I need to.  Every day around them is denying the truth.

A lot of her book is about advocacy work.  It's inspiring.  I don't think I could ever do what she did. 

I have a friend who knows a little of my story.  She knows because I met her in a group that I attended briefly.  The group was for military sexual trauma (MST).  We never went into our stories, it is just understood that if you were there you experienced MST.  At one point she found out my dad abused me.

She has been diagnosed with Borderline.  I never judged.  Yesterday she was feeling sorry for herself but seemed to take it out on me.  She started texting saying there was no hope for her.  I was patient with that.  Then she went on to say she has nothing to show for her life, I reminded her of the things that she had.  Then it became about me. 

She went on to tell me what a wonderful sister my sister is, and how I had her though the years.  She has never met my sister.  I politely said that isn't necessarily true.  My sister was good to me as a kid but left home when I was 9.  Then she went on to say she's been there for me.  I asked her "when?  After my dad confessed and she called me a liar and didn't talk to me."  That to this day she says it never happened and I need to forget about it.  I was so upset I told her if she really wanted to know my story she could look up my dad on the internet and gave her his name.

I wish I hadn't, it was none of her business.  I just got so upset to hear someone dismiss my struggles.  That if someone has a bad day they need to take it out on me by judging me.  She did come back and "sry."

Do I just pretend that she never said these things?  This morning I'm still annoyed that she would make assumptions.  I wish I could of said your right, I'm lucky, my life has been great.  Then maybe it wouldn't of been so bad.

I'm just not sure of what I want to do with this now.

I need a break.  I need to work a little on regrouping.  I may look, but maybe not, and that feels okay right now.

Dee

This topic has been moved to Welcome to OOTS.

http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9024.0

vague reference to CSA.

I finally told my therapist today about my irrational thoughts about my father, who has passed away almost a year ago.  I start to wonder if people can really see you once they have died.  Then it goes on to can he see me right now?  Then to is he staring at me while I shower or change or anything of that sort.  I tell myself that this is irrational, he isn't watching me.  I do that as I hide under multiple layers of blankets. 

She said to challenge the thoughts.  To say out loud that my thoughts are irrational.

I'm just wondering, am I the only one who gets a little crazy like this?  I feel kind of crazy.

With a few relapses I've done well with not using SH to cope.  I have one arm that has less scaring and all but one scar was flat so I went to get it covered.  The tattoo artist was awesome.  I got an unusual flower that I like and she used my scars as a guide.  She drew directly on my arm to make the stencil and turned bigger scars into leaves, smaller ones into petals.  It looks great now.  I can still see some of the scars, but only with close, intense inspection.  No one would ever be able to see them without knowing to look and where to look, and even then it is hard.  The tattoo is big, takes up the entire underside of my forearm, but it had to be, and it is beautiful.

I made an appointment to go back in just over a month and do the other arm.  That one has a lot more scaring, and one that is fairly recent, but small.

I'm excited that it really did work.  I also don't think I could ever cut a beautiful tattoo.  Maybe, short sleeves are in the forecast this summer.