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Forgive me, it's my birthday and I have celebrated a little too much.  Rather, I drank to forget a little too much.  Not so much I am sick, but enough where I don't care.  We don't post much in here.  Is it because it is such a big secret we can't talk about it?  Am I really alone here?  It is the secret I carried for years and could never tell.  And to this day I can't tell much or even speak of a single detail.  I don't want anyone to know. because I know they will never look at me the same.  I don't want pity, I don't want them to know, I want to be like everyone else.  I don't want them to know what a shameful person I am.  The things I did, I couldn't say no or protect myself.  I just stayed still, as still as I could.

On my birthday, I thought about my dad, it sucks.  I thought about how he would buy me anything I dreamed up.  Sometimes I asked for things I didn't care about, but other kids did, so I thought I should too.  He didn't buy my secrecy, he threatened me for that.  Until I thought I would die anyway.  I think he bought his guilt.  He must of right, because he couldn't of loved me.  I wanted his love so much.  I wanted a touch, any touch.  Then I got what I wanted, and I didn't want it anymore.  Why is it this is my birthday and THIS is what is on my mind??  I want to have good memories of happy birthdays.  I remember gifts, with all the price tags left on so I knew how much he spent.  I remember my birthday evening, with a special present that I hated.  Okay, bad night, sorry, but I'm still posting because I am so tired of not saying what I am thinking, of not talking about it.  I HATE SECRETS!!!!

I am considering taking Prazosin.  I am super concerned that it will make me less aware of my surroundings at night.  If it makes me unaware of dreams, can it make me unaware of everything.  Nights are very difficult for me and I am afraid to take medication that will help with that.

I am recovering from anorexia.  My sister and I have always had body image issues.  I am following a meal plan.  I get weighed every two weeks and I am not yet at maintenance phase.  I am close to my goal weight.  I know what I see is different from what other people see, I get that.  Because of that I have to rely on my dietitian to set a healthy weight.  In a way I really have given up control of my body because I cannot access it correctly.  Tonight my sister told me to put my put my fingers around my wrist.  If I can close it, it means I have petite bones.  She also said that means I should be on the low end of the BMI scale.  She thinks my dietitian is trying to put me on the high end and that isn't realistic.  This is so hard for me.  I think I am fat, I thought I was fat 20 lbs ago too.  My sister says that I needed to gain weight, no doubt, but I need to be done now too.  Every day I feel like quitting.  This has got to be the hardest day for me yet.  I am so confused.  I agree that I am fat, I also agree that I need to stop gaining.  However my dietitian doesn't see it the same way.  Is my dietitian wrong, or is my sister putting her body images on me too.

It's been a hard week and it keeps getting harder.  I would love to stop my meal plan.  I would love to lose weight.  BUT, I think if I do that I cannot work on my other issues.  I can't do one without the other.  I want to get better with CPTSD but I don't want to do it fat.  I don't think I have a choice.  I'm exhausted.

I have a bad habit about leaving places and never keeping in contact with anyone.  Most of all, I had a teacher that helped me when I left home and my dad went to prison when I was 17.  I left at 18, joined the army and never maintained any contact.  She was a reminder of a horrible time in my life.  She would email me every year on my birthday and every year I deleted it without a reply.  Sometimes I read it, other times I didn't even do that.  I tried so hard to bury the past.  Since I left home I have lived in 13 different places.  I leave and I never look back.

This evening I emailed her and thanked her for all she did for me.  She put a roof over my head when I had no family.  I apologized for not being more appreciative and not keeping contact with her.  I hope she can come to understand.  And a weird thing happened....I cried.  Maybe I can feel after all.  Therapy is making me soft : )

I've just gotten divorced and I have absolutely no interest in dating.  Men I know have started to ask me out.  I don't want to go on a date, but I just can't say I'm not interested.  I keep responding to text and make up excuses why I can't go each time.  Or worse I'll say yes, then cancel with a lie.  I stress myself out, and it isn't fair to them.  I am afraid to say no.  I don't know what I think will happen if I do.  It was easy when I was married to say that I was married.  Before I was married I ended up sleeping with every guy I went on a date with because I couldn't say no or stick to it.  I couldn't say no to my husband.  It's not why I don't want to date now, but I have no doubt I have not changed much in the last 20 years.  If I were to be alone with a man I would end up sleeping with him and not wanting to.  What is wrong with me?  I need to add the word no to my vocabulary badly.

I have always had an issue with my sister that when we are out and even sometimes at one of our homes she pokes me to get me to look at her.  I finally told her I don't like that and I asked why she does it.  She told me she feels that I go away, or zone out and she pokes me to bring me back.  I don't know, I hear everything she says.  The other day I was having breakfast with my lawyer who has become my friend and she did it.  I asked my sister to stop, she did for a little bit but is doing it again.  Now my friend is doing the same thing and she did it several times.  Why are people poking me??  Does anyone else experience this?

I like the idea of keeping a journal because sometimes I feel like I am not making any improvement.  The work is slow and hard and I often just feel despair.  Maybe this can help remind me how far I have come, even though I know I have a long way to go.

What I am recovering from (officially):
CPTSD
Anorexia Nervosa
Major Depressive Disorder
Alcohol Use Disorder

What caused it:
My father sexually abused me from the age 9 to 17.  It got really bad at 13 until I tried to kill myself at 17.  My dad confessed and was given a 30 year sentence, he was in prison for 9 years.  I have no extended family, my mother was totally dependent on my father and supported him for financial security even while he was in prison.  My sister left home at 15, when I was 9, and didn't talk to me for over a year because I exposed the family.  Now, we don't discuss it.  She says to forget about it.  Almost homeless, I joined the military, a recruiter saw how desperate I was and was able to get me in despite a suicide attempt, for a price.  That went on for months, until I went to basic training.  My first supervisor assaulted me and two other women.  He was charged but there was significant retribution.  I was married to an extremely controlling, emotionally abusive man for 20 years.  I can't begin to say how bad the control was.  There is one thing however, that I have not ever disclosed to anyone.  Maybe, someday I can do that here.

What I am working on in therapy with possibly the best therapist ever:
Boundaries
Assertiveness
Cognitive Distortions
Intimacy
*
Perfectionism
I also work with a dietitian on normalizing eating, gaining weight, and exercise addiction.

Accomplishments:
I have gained 20 lbs (9.07 kilos).  10 more at least to go.

I got divorced

The other day I set a boundary and was assertive when I told my nephew I would not lend him money.  I am making small improvements like telling my sister not to poke me to get my attention.  It seems so small but it was a big deal for me.  I also have not answered phone calls from my mother lately.  She screams at me and demands money.  She uses guilt about how I ruined her life.  She has a gambling problem.  Guilt is something I struggle with on so many levels.

Here is how I see it:

Dissociation - Is when I zone out.  Sometimes someone will be talking to me and I just go away.  My sister pokes me to get me to come back.  I hate that, but she still does it.

Flashback - Is when I can hear my dad talking to me and I can see the trauma occurring.  Sometimes everything around me fades into the background and sometimes I'm completely gone.

Emotional Flashback - Is when I am super uneasy and I get a feeling that I once experienced.  Sometimes I just cannot calm down and sometimes it's just dread.

However, I had a flashback the other day and was told I dissociated.  I have also heard that flashbacks are emotional flashback due to the feelings.  I've read some, but I'm still confused.  It doesn't really matter much because it all sucks, but I would like to know what is happening to me.

I have a therapist and a meditation coach.  The other day my coach was out of place trying to resolve guilt he doesn't understand.  He was explaining how people can be stimulated and feel pleasure even when being abused.  It isn't something I have ever talked about, but yes, I had orgasms and they were very painful and still are today.  I hate, hate having them.  I don't find it pleasurable and I can't figure out why everyone likes it so much.  My ex-husband would make it happen despite me begging him not to.  I must be the only person in the world who thinks an orgasm is possibly the worse thing that can happen during sex.  It is strong, intense pain.  I have never enjoyed sex, but this makes it even worse.

Sometimes I wonder how I can possible work on recovery when there is always so much going on.  In the last year I retired (I'm 42) was diagnosed with anorexia, major depressive disorder, CPTSD, severe osteoporosis, started and quit another job, got divorced, moved across country......I feel like I am forgetting something.

Now, I have an inheritance from an Uncle, the only family member I ever liked.  I am American and he is British.  The money was available the day the pound crashed.  I told my cousin to hold it and let's see what happens.  I'm pretty sure my mom wants the money.  My mom has been calling, screaming at me and crying for me to just get the money.  She is calling my cousin wicked.  She wants me to get the money and severe all ties with her.  My mom was emotionally abusive, but more than anything, she did nothing when I was being abused by my father all those years.  When it came out, she abandoned me, supported my father, and said I ruined her life.

I'm wondering if there is a way that I create drama in my life.  Like I have been so use to it that I create it or is just a streak of luck and stress that doesn't seem to end?

How can one person possibly go through so much in a life?  I wonder if my therapist wonders if I make stuff up.  She has never questioned anything I have said, but I am hesitant to mention this one because it seems so unbelievable.  She has known about the inheritance for months.  I feel so unbelievable I even printed my dads conviction so she would believe me, even though she never questioned it.

I want to hide in my closet and never come out again.  Sorry for rambling, my mind is working overtime right now.

Being a mother has been a scary thing for me.  I read everything I could get my hands on about how to raise them.  I never had a role model.  The hardest thing for me has been to talk about anything sexual.  I have relied on finding things for them to read or watch.  I will watch and read it with them and answer questions if I can and not too triggering.  I recently found the tea consent video on you tube.  If you are like me, this is golden.  It's educational and funny.  I feel like I am teaching my 16 year old son respect and responsibility.

To be honest I do not have many friends.  I have moved constantly and I leave people behind, never to contact them again.  I do have one friend that will not let me do that.  She never gives up and when I do not reply in email she eventually calls.  I have not seen her in a year and I will in three days.  I have known her for 14 years.

Since I have seen her I have finally confronted my past and medical issues.  I am recovering from anorexia and have gained a substantial amount of weight.  I was also exercising compulsively and now I am not exercising at all until I am in a better place.  The person she knew was a super thin, elite runner, with a super healthy diet of only salads.

There is no way to hide how much weight I have gained and she has never seen me go a day without running at least once.  Where I am meeting her is super hot and she has only seen me in long sleeves.  I have scars on my arms where I have cut.  I am so scared.  The facade that I have relied on in the past has shattered and no one knows the real me.  How on earth can I explain these things.  I feel like canceling, but I really do adore her.

Hi,

I came here because I always feel so different and alone.  I thought maybe I would find that I'm not as different as I think I am.  I made the subject new to life, because I feel I am working towards a life and not an existence.  I was recently diagnosed CPTSD in January, but only told about the diagnosis about two weeks ago.  I feel like people tip toe around me and keep things from me so I don't get too upset.  I've just ended a 20 year extremely controlling and emotionally abusive marriage, retired from the military, recovering from anorexia, dealing with major depression, and starting to address past traumas to include a difficult childhood and military trauma.  I have hope for the first time there really is a life ahead.

So here I am, hoping for, desperate, for validation.  Just to know I am not alone.

Dee