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Topics - Dee

#21
Sexual Abuse / I feel textbook, CSA symptoms
February 19, 2018, 04:51:08 PM

This is a subject that is always on my mind, some days more than others.  Today is one of those days so I started researching.  This isn't the first time, so I already know what I've read, but that doesn't stop my feelings of being damaged.  Today I read about adult symptoms of CSA and I feel like the poster child.

To name a few:
Boundary issues
Somatic issues
Eating disorder
Depression
Anxiety
Self-harm
Passivity
Relationship issues - entering in adult abusive relationships
Guilt, shame, self blame
Dissociative patterns
Self-esteem issues
Isolating behavior
Disturbed sleeping patterns

I haven't left the house in four days, had a minor relapse in self harm, so my goal is to get out today.  Of course the weather is really bad (for being in a mild climate), but I should go.
#22
Parenting / I really miss my kids
February 17, 2018, 05:55:11 AM

My 17 year old left home early October, my 20 year old left mid November; they both joined the military together.  I've been surprisingly good.  I've traveled like crazy, but the vacation is over, so to speak.  I really miss my kids.  I spent my last trip talking about them too much.  With every thing I did I thought of them and how they would like it.  I really miss them now. 

Before they were ever born they were my rock.  My dream of my family, they saved me.  Anyway, I don't know what I want now.  I'm trying to dream, but I can't find the next thing.  The only thing I ever really wanted was them; I'm trying to find the "now what."

I'm venting, that's all, and I need that tonight and last night and last week.
#23
Yesterday I had an incident and I have been upset with my reaction, which was absolutely nothing.  I was shocked but tried to pretend it wasn't happening.  Today I realize, I thought, I can't believe he just did that (touched my legs, above my knee) but after that I lost his face.  What happened wasn't a big deal, but it triggered me and I was upset with my response.  The rest of the conversation was a blur.  I didn't even realize until today how much I dissociated.  Below is a line from the article and the link below it.  It explains really well what happened to me, but I don't feel it provides much hope in how to stop it.

a child who "froze" during incidents of frightening family abuse is, as an adult, especially susceptible to experience the freezing reaction again.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/trauma-and-the-freeze-response-good-bad-or-both
#24
Successes, Progress? / I danced with a guy
January 13, 2018, 05:45:57 AM

I went out tonight with a friend and and danced with a man; three times, the same guy.  It may seem small to some, for me it is huge.  My ex of 20 years would not dance with me.  We did on our wedding night, just the one song, then I never danced again.    I am so mixed of emotion.  From being happy, to wanting (but not) self harming.   Still, I see this as a positive.
#25

I saw my therapist and told her I have done an excellent job of letting myself get ran over since our last session.  So much so I have let my sister dictate almost everything to me.  This includes inviting herself on a short trip I have planned in February at my expense.  I admitted that I didn't want my sister to go, I don't want to share my friends, and yet I said yes,  I felt like I had no choice, which I know is not true.

She asked what happened?  I told her I don't know.  We talked about readdressing it and telling my sister no.  I told her I don't want her to be mad at me, my T said so what if she is?  She reminded me this isn't the same as when I was a kid and abandoned by my family.  This times I have friends and support.

It's not just with my sister either.  I have been a doormat lately.  I just don't know what happened, why I slipped.  I wonder if it is because we started working on trauma.  I want to work on trauma and I hope this doesn't stall the process. 

I'm sad and a little disappointed in myself.
#26
Family / Ostracism, trying to be brief
January 02, 2018, 03:00:50 AM

When I was 17 I was ostracized from my family.  I reported my dad, he confessed, pled guilty, and went to prison.  My family didn't talk to me.  By family I mean my mother (an accomplice) and my sister who had left home at 15 (9 years earlier).  I thought my entire family hated me.  It was horrible, I was so young and so alone.  Over time they talked to me again, but we ignored the elephant in the room and still do.

I have been forbidden to talk to my extended family.  Recently, I have gotten back in touch with them in secret.  As it turns out they knew, and believed me, said they always knew.  My aunt even had a big argument with my mom.  They tried to find me and couldn't.  It was before the internet and another country, continent.  Huge, considering I thought I had been abandoned and thought that until recently so I never contacted them.  For several reasons my mother no longer has a relationship with any of her family to include her siblings.  None of her family will talk to her and she has forbidden me from talking to them.  My sister for whatever reason hates them for what they said about my mother (all true). 

I am in secret going to see them at the end of the month.  They are from another country and it has been 20+ years.  I have to wonder what in the world am I doing.  They understand and are understanding.  They are not posting on Facebook or telling anyone.  Still, it is like going behind enemy lines.  I question what am I thinking.  Am I willing to give up my immediate family for my extended family that I don't know.  Yet, the idea of being forbidden from talking to them is crazy.  And, I didn't know they tried to find and help me when I needed it the most.  My sister and my mother ostracizing me was extremely painful.  Without a doubt it would happen again.  I even talked to my brother in law to ask if it would be as bad as I think and he said yes.  He likes my extended family and like me has been forbidden from talking to them.  He basically said it sucks, but is.

How do families become this dysfunctional, it is crazy.  At this point I am risking my sister, brother in law, nephews, great nephews, and mother.  Not just for be, but for my adult children as well.  All that to meet what I feel might be the healthy side of family that lives thousands of miles away.
#27
This topic has been moved to General Discussion.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8429.0
#28
Therapy / The elephant in the room
November 27, 2017, 07:25:07 PM

I feel like I really need to share something with my therapist.  I have even gotten so far as telling her that.  I've tried three times now and settled on something else to discuss.  Today I told her I couldn't think about what she said, because I was thinking about what I haven't said.  We talked about a poem, drawing, writing.  I feel it is the heart of my guilt and my feelings of responsibility.   It has to come out, I just can't get there.  It is putting the thing on the table that I feel the most horrible about.  Another week and I'll try a fourth time.  Therapy is hard.
#29
Sexual Abuse / What I got out of therapy today
November 15, 2017, 07:55:10 PM

No matter what the adult is responsible for boundaries.
Reactivity is normal.
Wanting affection is normal.
Taking on adult roles when put in the situation and groomed is normal.
No matter what, my therapist won't change her opinion of me. (I wanted to reply - are you sure? but didn't.)

It was a hard day.  I hurt so badly that I thought my heart might break.  Still, I got good stuff out of it and need to process it.
#30

This morning I decided to look up the trial against my stalker to make sure everything was on track.  I usually look it up once a week.  This morning I read that a continuance was filed early last week (by defense) and was approved late last week.  My first thought was another month of dread.  I can't do this for another month. 

My next thought was why?  What could possibly be going on that the defense attorney doesn't feel he is ready yet?  I have felt that this is super black and white.  The restraining order was already upheld in court.  The trail is over the violations.  He violated it, I called the police, he was violating it when they responded (3 times).  Is he trying to bill more hours to my stalker?

Then I started to run away with it.  Could they be researching me?  Am I going to get to court and my father's conviction is going to come up?  Can that even happen, can it be brought up?  The guy is almost the same age as my dad was.  Will I be accused of associating him with my past?  Is my mental health going to be called into question?  Or, will it just be about the events surrounding the violations?

The waiting really is hard.  I was hoping this would be over and put to rest by the end of this week.  Now I have another month before the trial. 
#31
Checking Out / Taking the week off
November 05, 2017, 02:52:26 AM

My son left last month and it is my daughter's last week at home.  She leaves the following Monday (8 days).  Soon, it will just be me for the first time in 20 years (really the first time ever).  So I am going to take the week off and soak up my child while she is here.

Dee
#33
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Safety Plan
October 27, 2017, 02:24:15 PM
I shared this in a PM earlier and then thought, others could use this too.  If you don't have one or never heard of one you can make a safety plan for nights that you feel like it is all too much.  There are formats that you can search for, but here is the format I use.  I use to carry this with me at all times.  Recently, I put it in a place I can get to easily, but no longer do I feel I need it at all times.  I am also using a few examples.  I completed this with my therapist, but that isn't necessary.

Step 1: Warning signs:
(example) Lack of sleep, situational stress, negative thinking, drinking....

Step 2: Internal coping strategies - Things I can do to take my mind off my problems without contacting another person:
Color, go to the movies, walk the dog, watch a musical, read, go for a drive, meditation, yoga.....

Step 3:  People who can help support and distract me (not necessary to say what is going on, just someone to talk to or hang out with)
1.
2.
3.

Step 4:  People whom I can ask for help:
1.
2.
3.

Step 5:  Professionals or agencies I can contact during a crisis:
1. National suicide hotline - 1-800-273-TALK
2. Therapist
3.

Step 6 : Making the environment safe:
1.  Remove medications
2. 
3.

#34

In the last few months I have come to realize that my extended family knew my father went to prison.  My family in the UK (I am in the US) contacted me and told me they found his conviction on the internet.  He passed away in May.  It is easy to find, it only requires an internet search of his name and the charges appear and prison sentence.  While I am not named, he was charged with rape and incest.  My family in the UK has been supportive.

I also know my nephews have asked where he went.  My sister told me she plans to tell them when the youngest turns 30.  I got very upset and she later said she decided not to do that.  Still, all one needs to do it type his name.  My sister is out of town and I have helped her son with child care issues.  He needs care early Saturday morning so for the second week I drove over an hour and a half to stay the night and watch them the next day.  I have noticed there is this ackward silence between us.  He usually is very outgoing, yet never seems to talk to me.  One on one there is no conversation at all.

Last night it dawned on me that he knows.  I don't know if my sister told him or he looked it up, but he knows.  I can feel it.  My sister and my mom are not supportive of me.  Despite physcial evidence and a confession they would rather believe nothing happened and I lied.  TW-physical evidence** I don't speak of it, ever, but I was pregnant and had to have an abortion.  There was DNA.**  He had no choice but to confess.  My sister is in strong denial for her own personal reasons.  My mom can't admit that she enabled him.  From what I have researched this is unfortunately, often the case.

It breaks my heart but I can't be treated like this.  I don't like being treated with silence and such discomfort.  So next week I'll go down one last time and then my sister will return from her vacation.  I don't plan to ever have anything to do with them again.  Here is the thing, it never ends.  I thought when my dad went to prison it would be over.  Then I thought when he died it would be over.  Now I know, family secrets don't stay secret.  He doesn't have the facts, he has never talked to me.  Still, I can't be treated that way.
#35
Inner Child Work / not liking my 11-13 year old self
October 15, 2017, 02:26:15 PM

My therapy assignment was to write to my 11-13 year old self.  It could be observations and I could rename her.  I was also to find her strengths if I could.

I don't really have compassion for her.  I can't seem to find it.  All I see is a little girl, trying to be grown-up, in all the wrong ways.  I have no doubt that I looked ridiculous.  I was tiny, far below average height and weight.  So here is this kid, that looks at least two years younger, wearing too much make-up and trying to make kid's clothes look sexy.

The strengths I found was managing to be average in school while sleeping through it and not doing homework or studying.  The other one was I use to write poems, and lots of them about what was going on.  I was worried about them being discovered so I would memorize them and then destroy the evidence.  I still have some memorized from the age of 11.

I wish I could go back in time and tell her to get with it.  Stop wearing the make-up and dress more appropriately.  To stop being so fake physically and socially.  Oh, and apply yourself.



#36
Eating Issues / I heard it again today
October 10, 2017, 02:49:36 AM

Someone today found out I suffer from anorexia and they said "I wish I had that problem."  I was mentioning not being able to go to something in the morning because I had to see my dietician.  They asked why I see one so often, and I was honest.  They said they wish they had that problem, I am so thin.  They want to be thin too.

Really, you wish you had a fatal mental illness.  You wish that food controlled your every thought, your every move.  You wish you turned people down to hang out because the pressure of having to eat was too much to handle.  You wish that no matter what you looked like it was never good enough.  You wish you had severe health issues (as I do) related to the mental illness.

I've never heard a person say I wish I was bipolar, or I wish I had OCD, or even I wish I had PTSD.  I think it would sound ridiculous to them to even think of saying that.  So why is okay to say "I wish I was anorexic?"
#37

I have been working on therapy goals for the next year.  I unexpectedly found a new one.

I was driving with my daughter the other day and I was thinking.  Why did I smile when my dad was angry?  When it would make him more angry, I would smile more.  I was terrified, but I smiled.  The more I smiled the worse it got, the worse it got the more I smiled.

My daughter asked what I was thinking about.  I told her about an art project I was doing and I was unhappy with it.

I don't want to be like this.  I want to enjoy the moment with my daughter, not think about my dad.  Is it possible?
#38

I've been good lately.  I was self harming three times a week or so before I went into the hospital.  Since I have been out (5 months) I can count on one hand how many times I have relapsed.  I had a huge relapse on Friday.  It was a difficult evening out, that was suppose to be great.  It was my son't last night out, his choice.  The experience was awful.  Our meals came out one at a time.  My son asked that I don't complain, so I didn't.  The waitress felt horrible, so she kept refilling my wine glass, on the house.  Bad idea, my kids were driving so I thought, why not.

I self harmed once we got home.  Locked myself in the bedroom and I did.  However, it was escalated, not so much in the cutting, but location.  I alluded to it today, I am sure she got it.  It didn't feel good.  I looked away as I tried to select my words carefully when she asked what did I do?  How bad was it?  I said it wasn't how bad it was, it was more the location.  A place I have never self harmed before.  I wasn't relieved for telling, I was mortified.
#39
Sexual Abuse / More memories tonight
September 14, 2017, 03:04:53 AM

I feel a little bit like I am going crazy.  Since my dad died it's been flooding back.  Tonight is a bad night.  I want to tell, but I can't.  I don't want to post it, I can't say it, I can't hold it.  I purged and purged and purged tonight.  I just feel so sick.
#40
Therapy / trauma narrative through art
September 12, 2017, 05:09:25 PM

Has anyone done this?  How does it work?  My therapist is suggesting we start this.  She has given me time to think about this before my next appointment.  We have talked very little about trauma and are about to start.