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Messages - Dee

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Sometimes I wonder how I can possible work on recovery when there is always so much going on.  In the last year I retired (I'm 42) was diagnosed with anorexia, major depressive disorder, CPTSD, severe osteoporosis, started and quit another job, got divorced, moved across country......I feel like I am forgetting something.

Now, I have an inheritance from an Uncle, the only family member I ever liked.  I am American and he is British.  The money was available the day the pound crashed.  I told my cousin to hold it and let's see what happens.  I'm pretty sure my mom wants the money.  My mom has been calling, screaming at me and crying for me to just get the money.  She is calling my cousin wicked.  She wants me to get the money and severe all ties with her.  My mom was emotionally abusive, but more than anything, she did nothing when I was being abused by my father all those years.  When it came out, she abandoned me, supported my father, and said I ruined her life.

I'm wondering if there is a way that I create drama in my life.  Like I have been so use to it that I create it or is just a streak of luck and stress that doesn't seem to end?

How can one person possibly go through so much in a life?  I wonder if my therapist wonders if I make stuff up.  She has never questioned anything I have said, but I am hesitant to mention this one because it seems so unbelievable.  She has known about the inheritance for months.  I feel so unbelievable I even printed my dads conviction so she would believe me, even though she never questioned it.

I want to hide in my closet and never come out again.  Sorry for rambling, my mind is working overtime right now.

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Friends / Re: Help! So nervous about seeing a friend.
« on: June 25, 2016, 11:59:28 PM »

Update, I am having a wonderful time.  She cried when she saw me and said I have a butt (who knew).  I have been honest about everything except the cuts and scars on my arms.  This is the most open I have ever been.  I am extremely good at keeping secrets  :'(  Being this open feels like a weight has been lifted.  I can relax knowing I am not making up stories.  I constantly lied about food and exercise.....I ate earlier, I'm eating later, I only ran six miles, I only ran once today..... 

Not having to be so secretive allows me to enjoy the moment and not have to think of what I last said or what I will say.  I also learned I can be honest and not have to share my life story, exposing too much.  It's a good feeling that I do not have much experience with.  I recommend it!

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Introductory Post / Re: Daughter's suicide *trauma trigger*
« on: June 25, 2016, 11:39:19 PM »

Pippa, the only reason I am alive is because of people like you.  After hearing stories such as yours I decided that I could never do that to my children.  Your story is important.  I think you can find support here and possibly make a difference as well.

Thank you for sharing, it is never easy.

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Parenting (Children, Teens & Adult Children) / Teens and sex ed
« on: June 25, 2016, 03:57:32 PM »

Being a mother has been a scary thing for me.  I read everything I could get my hands on about how to raise them.  I never had a role model.  The hardest thing for me has been to talk about anything sexual.  I have relied on finding things for them to read or watch.  I will watch and read it with them and answer questions if I can and not too triggering.  I recently found the tea consent video on you tube.  If you are like me, this is golden.  It's educational and funny.  I feel like I am teaching my 16 year old son respect and responsibility.

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First!  The fact that you posted this about your kids show that you care. I have asked myself so many times "what kind of mother am I?" but I know I am a mother who does the best I can and I love my kids. 

Don't put pressure on yourself with your 15 month old.  One day at a time, it is the best any of can do.  Your heart is in the right place so go with it.  Just know if you are thinking of her first, then you are in the right direction.  You don't know what to do?  Just keep doing it.  We all make mistakes, it is okay. 

I have a 19 and 16 year old.  I always think I don't know how I did it, but somehow I did it right, not perfect, but right.

I agree, keep posting here.  Ask questions, share frustrations, and keep at it.

I believe that you writing this post speaks volumes about what kind of mother you are.

1371
I am new to OOTS and I was looking to know that I wasn't alone.  I don't know to laugh or cry at this conversation.  I take 20mg of Lexapro and 75? (one and a half) of Trazadone.  I honestly feel that Lexapro has saved my life (literally).  I started on 25mg of trazadone, then up to a whole pill, then up to one and a half.  I am not a big person but I need enough trazadone to knock out an elephant or I don't sleep.

I do get forgetful, I can't concentrate, and I am always on edge.  Sometimes it is hard to know what is because of CPTSD or the treatment for CPTSD.

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Friends / Re: Help! So nervous about seeing a friend.
« on: June 21, 2016, 09:51:20 PM »

Thank you for the help.  I realize that it is my sense of shame and has nothing to do with her.  I am going to go and be as honest as I can.  I do not expect it to be easy, but it is time I open up some to someone.  There is no one I know that would be a better person.

As far as my anorexia, I do have a dietitian who monitors my weight and I am on a meal plan.  I do have severe osteoporosis, but I am fortunate to be on the best medication out there.  I have damaged my body enough where some things are permanent.  It will be some time before we know just how much damage I have done.  If anyone is suffering, please get help now.  Do not wait ten years like I did.  It is reversible if you address it as soon as possible.  It is hard, scary, and worth it.  Anorexia is only a symptom of a larger problem. 

I appreciate the support.  I am really nervous, but I am looking forward to seeing her.

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Friends / Help! So nervous about seeing a friend.
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:38:38 PM »

To be honest I do not have many friends.  I have moved constantly and I leave people behind, never to contact them again.  I do have one friend that will not let me do that.  She never gives up and when I do not reply in email she eventually calls.  I have not seen her in a year and I will in three days.  I have known her for 14 years.

Since I have seen her I have finally confronted my past and medical issues.  I am recovering from anorexia and have gained a substantial amount of weight.  I was also exercising compulsively and now I am not exercising at all until I am in a better place.  The person she knew was a super thin, elite runner, with a super healthy diet of only salads.

There is no way to hide how much weight I have gained and she has never seen me go a day without running at least once.  Where I am meeting her is super hot and she has only seen me in long sleeves.  I have scars on my arms where I have cut.  I am so scared.  The facade that I have relied on in the past has shattered and no one knows the real me.  How on earth can I explain these things.  I feel like canceling, but I really do adore her.

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Sexual Abuse / Re: Why can't we talk about rape? (trigger warning)
« on: June 20, 2016, 01:25:38 PM »

I cannot say the word rape.  I  have tried and it doesn't come out.  I was raped by my father from 9 until 17 when I attempted suicide.  He was charged and convicted of rape.  The word it out there, but it seems so harsh and has so many connotations.  I cannot say sexual abuse either, but for some reason it is a lot easier for me to hear. Maybe that is why we use it more.  Hearing the world rape will send me into a panic, hearing sexual abuse does not.  However, I do get flooded and before I realize what happened my head is down and I cannot look up.

I also think the world sexual abuse is more inclusive.  People who were not raped but sexually abused are traumatized as well.

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Introductory Post / New to life
« on: June 19, 2016, 10:26:03 PM »

Hi,

I came here because I always feel so different and alone.  I thought maybe I would find that I'm not as different as I think I am.  I made the subject new to life, because I feel I am working towards a life and not an existence.  I was recently diagnosed CPTSD in January, but only told about the diagnosis about two weeks ago.  I feel like people tip toe around me and keep things from me so I don't get too upset.  I've just ended a 20 year extremely controlling and emotionally abusive marriage, retired from the military, recovering from anorexia, dealing with major depression, and starting to address past traumas to include a difficult childhood and military trauma.  I have hope for the first time there really is a life ahead.

So here I am, hoping for, desperate, for validation.  Just to know I am not alone.

Dee

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Introductory Post / Re: Newly diagnosed with cPTSD
« on: June 19, 2016, 09:25:47 PM »
Hi,

I have just registered and your post caught my attention because of the military.  I just got out of the military and have been diagnosed with CPTSD.  I have never confronted issues because of my fear of ruining my career.  I ran until I couldn't run anymore and totally broke down.

My father was abusive, then it was compounded when I had issues in the military.  I hope the VA is taking care of you as they are me.  Anyway, I get it.

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