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Messages - Dee

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16

Thank you all, with some space I am feeling much better.  It is amazing how crazy I felt with a provider who had something going on.  I counted, whereas I had 3 contacts with my therapist I had 12 with that dietician in the same amount of time.  Each contact acted like I had some serious medical issues and that I was in danger.  I've decided that I'm fine.  If it really was that bad I would be in the hospital.

I had a night of crying, which I needed.  It released a lot of building anxiety from being sort of stalked by a dietician (phone calls, visits).  I am ready to move on to healing in a healthy way.

I appreciate the support I received here.  It seemed like such a small thing, but I was really hurting over it.

17

I saw my therapist and she told me not to take on her (dietician) crisis.  She fired her for me and I don't think I will ever hear from her again.  She addressed the email that I saw and said she talked to her about it.  Said that something like that could jeopardize our relationship (I saw the original from my therapist to my dietician) and asked if I had any issues with it, I didn't.  She did address that I had all her information, I said I won't use it.  I think we are good.  She mentioned that I didn't need this and I don't.

I should be relived and I feel terrible, I'm not sure why.  I somehow ended up in the middle of and subject of a conflict.  Nothing about this is good.  I think I feel more than anything like a problem.  It seems so small in comparison of life yet it has me in a total spin.

18
I have a team working with my treatment.  I have a psychiatrist, therapist, general practitioner, and two dietitians (though I only want one).  In a nutshell I am getting conflicting guidance, two people weighing me, and more supplements given by different providers than any one person should take.  I tried to fire my dietician I had before I went to treatment and go with the one the facility recommended.  Apparently, she hasn't wanted to let me go and it's got ugly.  She's calling me constantly, questioning the new dietician credentials, and disagreeing.  I haven't wanted to hurt her feelings and have not been assertive enough.  My therapist stepped in and sent an email to both explaining my desire and explaining that I am having difficulty.  It didn't go over well.  She called me questioning my decision, telling me my new person doesn't have the right credentials.  She then replied to the email my therapist sent and CC'd me on it.  I email my therapist through a secure message system, I don't have her email or her extension (just the office number), I do now. 

I know she violated protocol for the medical facility I work with (my new dietician is not a part of it).  The question is why do I feel like I did something wrong.  If ever someone should accidentally get the email and extension it is me; I would never use it as I know it is incorrect.  I also suspect that some for of disciplinary action is probably going to be taken.  I feel like I am the cause of problems.  On top of it she's made me crazy with acting as if everything is a serious medical problem and I am in grave danger.  I think she has blown everything out of proportion so she is valuable. 

I am also getting conflicting advice on my psychiatric medication and what nutritional supplements to take even without her in the picture.  I am going crazy with this.  I am so stressed and so done.  I don't want to see any of them, I want to give up and just quit.  I can't navigate this and I feel done, just done.

19
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« on: February 26, 2019, 02:28:17 AM »

I was told that my radar is there, it was never actually gone, but I need to find it again.  When we are abused as kids it sets us up to be abused in the future.  "It happened again" is a title I could of written, not so long ago.  After that I spent two weeks with a journal logging when things didn't feel right.  When I felt like someone was lying, or wasn't being sincere, or was untrustworthy.  I called it my spidey senses and I journaled so I could be more in touch with them.  So I could be better at keeping myself safe.  Additionally, it is well documented that predators seem to have a sixth sense, to pick out those who have been victimized. 

When it happened to me again I considered myself a therapy failure and a disappointment.  That wasn't true.  I had to go back and look at all the things therapy has helped with.  I made a list, because I needed to remember what I have accomplished.  Unfortunately, it highlighted and area I needed to work on more.  I felt like I was helpless, I wasn't, I just had more work to do.

I sorry it happened to you again.  I hope that both of learn to keep ourselves safe so we can be sure it will never happen again.

20
Introductory Post / Re: Hello from a new member
« on: February 25, 2019, 05:08:14 PM »

I am 45 and while not quite your age, I do agree that things do not get better with time.  I do however believe, that things do get better with appropriate treatment.  I have found that the older I get, the more I isolate.  Recently, I was accused of isolating in a room full of people, and it is true, I was absolutely doing that.  I do find this site supportive and I hope you do as well.

21
General Discussion / Re: How to manage the exhaustion?
« on: February 25, 2019, 04:43:18 PM »

Have you ever explored a medical explanation?  I ignored my symptoms, blaming CPTSD then a medical issues accidentally was revealed in blood test.  It is at least worth talking to your doctor about.

22

I am actually hopeful.  For so long I thought the best I could ever feel is good.  Now, I am beginning to think that happy might be possible.  It is a little more than diet change.  I will have to take a B supplement that I don't have to break down.  Still, It feels more like a natural treatment.

When I was inpatient for my eating disorder I did near feedback.  The initial appointment was validating as early childhood trauma showed up in my brain waves.  It also showed my insomnia, anxiety, stress, OCD (different from what I thought OCD was), inability to relax, mind chatter, tension.  I learned to control my stress and get it down. For me counting by 7s seemed to be the best. 

23

Lately, I've had a lot of blood test trying to find out why I am hypoglycemic.  In doing this they found that my vitamin B was more than double what it should be.  So then they ran the MTHFR gene mutation and found I was positive.  This is a common mutation that can cause a lot of problem.  In my case I was positive for a compound heterozygous mutation.  What this means is I can't break down vitamin B which causes a deficiency.  This also means I can't produce serotonin and also means my SSRI antidepressant isn't working as well as it could be.  Once they decide what to use to treat it, it seems to be an easy fix.  I will be given vitamin B that is already broken down so my body can absorb it and use it.  Researchers are finding a lot of mental health issues can be related to the MTHFR gene.

The bad news, my hypoglycemia is reactive hypoglycemia and is related to years of being anorexic.  No one really knows why is hasn't resolved after the first few weeks of weigh gain and they don't know how to treat is.  For now, I have a glucose monitor and emergency glycogen tablets on hand for an emergency.  I am being sent to a specialist. 

24
Eating Issues / Re: Food restrictiong helps me to control my emotions
« on: February 23, 2019, 05:35:55 PM »
I have often felt that the only control I have is what I put in my body.  My therapist has often compared it to a baby that will purse their lips to control what goes into their mouth.  For me, this type of control has led to a long struggle with anorexia.  It got worse and worse as my ex-husband started controlling me more.  I had no access to money or accounts, I couldn't drive, couldn't have my own email, wasn't allowed to go out with friends, and he even picked out and bought my clothes.  Worse of all he controlled my body.  Despite my divorce I am finding the disorder really had to recover from.  I just spent 60 days inpatient and I am doing well, but it is a struggle.

It is so easy to get into the spiral.  I can't urge you enough to seek treatment now before it gets any worse.  I have irreversibly damaged my heath.  It is also true the longer it goes on the harder it is to recover from and each relapse is harder to recover from.

25
Eating Issues / Re: Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: February 05, 2019, 01:22:03 AM »

Back and healthy!

26
Eating Issues / Re: Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: November 24, 2018, 04:49:15 PM »

Thank you all for the support and well wishes!

27
Eating Issues / Re: Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: November 22, 2018, 04:04:42 PM »

I just wanted to give you an update.  I am going inpatient on the 5th.  It is a 45-60 day program.  I am hoping that this helps with long term change and success. 

28

I also have good memories.  It adds to the trauma of a child or even an adult.  How can a person be both bad and good, loving and unloving.  The confusion and the not knowing what today will be like makes is worse.

29
Eating Issues / Re: Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: November 07, 2018, 06:38:30 PM »

Thanks everyone.

I am told the number is insignificant.  That is isn't about a number.  It is about being healthy and out of the prison.  The focus I have on the number is an indicator of the problem.  The idea that I think I am too big to go is also an indicator.

I think I have decided to go, at least for the moment (until I change my mind again).  I am totally approved right now, I could go tomorrow.  My insurance has approved it and the facility.  If I wait more than 14 days I have to do the approval all over again.  I don't think that it is a big deal though and I am not critical.  I have a friend that is suppose to be coming the 17th to the 28th.  I don't want to disappoint her.  I know money is tight and she bought plane tickets.  I am also suppose to see my son for 3 days at Christmas.

30
Eating Issues / Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: November 06, 2018, 04:25:41 PM »

Two weeks ago I was subtly threatened that if I continue to lose wight I need to go into the hospital.  So I did the okay, okay, I'll do better.  I think for a week I did.  Then I went back last week and the threats changed to a more supportive discussion.  I said I did better last week and she said she doesn't want it better for a week she wants better all the time.  She also said that the place I am currently being treated cannot give me what I need.  They don't treat eating disorders.  So I am considering it.

I think my real problem is drinking.  I have lost some weight, but I am not horribly underweight, slightly.  Yet, I drink usually close to a 4 glasses of wine in the evening.  I know I am drinking most of my calories.  If I stop drinking my weight would drop significantly.  Still, I don't feel thin enough to go.  I don't want to be the person that doesn't belong.  I know my weight isn't critical at all.  I am barely underweight, not alarmingly so.  I know I've lost weight this month but for a short two weeks I cut back on drinking and that was when it dropped.   

As I write this the decision seems clear.  But, I don't want to go, and if I do go I don't want to feel out of place.  I was in a trauma unit for two months early last year.  Going in and out of the hospital is no way to live, but neither is the way I am.  There is also a part of me that is mad.  I wish I didn't have these struggles.  I look at people who don't have these problems and I know the difference is trauma.  So I'm mad, mad because of what happened continues to impact my life.

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