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I am 45 and while not quite your age, I do agree that things do not get better with time.  I do however believe, that things do get better with appropriate treatment.  I have found that the older I get, the more I isolate.  Recently, I was accused of isolating in a room full of people, and it is true, I was absolutely doing that.  I do find this site supportive and I hope you do as well.

Have you ever explored a medical explanation?  I ignored my symptoms, blaming CPTSD then a medical issues accidentally was revealed in blood test.  It is at least worth talking to your doctor about.

I am actually hopeful.  For so long I thought the best I could ever feel is good.  Now, I am beginning to think that happy might be possible.  It is a little more than diet change.  I will have to take a B supplement that I don't have to break down.  Still, It feels more like a natural treatment.

When I was inpatient for my eating disorder I did near feedback.  The initial appointment was validating as early childhood trauma showed up in my brain waves.  It also showed my insomnia, anxiety, stress, OCD (different from what I thought OCD was), inability to relax, mind chatter, tension.  I learned to control my stress and get it down. For me counting by 7s seemed to be the best. 

Lately, I've had a lot of blood test trying to find out why I am hypoglycemic.  In doing this they found that my vitamin B was more than double what it should be.  So then they ran the MTHFR gene mutation and found I was positive.  This is a common mutation that can cause a lot of problem.  In my case I was positive for a compound heterozygous mutation.  What this means is I can't break down vitamin B which causes a deficiency.  This also means I can't produce serotonin and also means my SSRI antidepressant isn't working as well as it could be.  Once they decide what to use to treat it, it seems to be an easy fix.  I will be given vitamin B that is already broken down so my body can absorb it and use it.  Researchers are finding a lot of mental health issues can be related to the MTHFR gene.

The bad news, my hypoglycemia is reactive hypoglycemia and is related to years of being anorexic.  No one really knows why is hasn't resolved after the first few weeks of weigh gain and they don't know how to treat is.  For now, I have a glucose monitor and emergency glycogen tablets on hand for an emergency.  I am being sent to a specialist. 

I have often felt that the only control I have is what I put in my body.  My therapist has often compared it to a baby that will purse their lips to control what goes into their mouth.  For me, this type of control has led to a long struggle with anorexia.  It got worse and worse as my ex-husband started controlling me more.  I had no access to money or accounts, I couldn't drive, couldn't have my own email, wasn't allowed to go out with friends, and he even picked out and bought my clothes.  Worse of all he controlled my body.  Despite my divorce I am finding the disorder really had to recover from.  I just spent 60 days inpatient and I am doing well, but it is a struggle.

It is so easy to get into the spiral.  I can't urge you enough to seek treatment now before it gets any worse.  I have irreversibly damaged my heath.  It is also true the longer it goes on the harder it is to recover from and each relapse is harder to recover from.

Back and healthy!

Thank you all for the support and well wishes!

I just wanted to give you an update.  I am going inpatient on the 5th.  It is a 45-60 day program.  I am hoping that this helps with long term change and success. 

I also have good memories.  It adds to the trauma of a child or even an adult.  How can a person be both bad and good, loving and unloving.  The confusion and the not knowing what today will be like makes is worse.

Thanks everyone.

I am told the number is insignificant.  That is isn't about a number.  It is about being healthy and out of the prison.  The focus I have on the number is an indicator of the problem.  The idea that I think I am too big to go is also an indicator.

I think I have decided to go, at least for the moment (until I change my mind again).  I am totally approved right now, I could go tomorrow.  My insurance has approved it and the facility.  If I wait more than 14 days I have to do the approval all over again.  I don't think that it is a big deal though and I am not critical.  I have a friend that is suppose to be coming the 17th to the 28th.  I don't want to disappoint her.  I know money is tight and she bought plane tickets.  I am also suppose to see my son for 3 days at Christmas.

Two weeks ago I was subtly threatened that if I continue to lose wight I need to go into the hospital.  So I did the okay, okay, I'll do better.  I think for a week I did.  Then I went back last week and the threats changed to a more supportive discussion.  I said I did better last week and she said she doesn't want it better for a week she wants better all the time.  She also said that the place I am currently being treated cannot give me what I need.  They don't treat eating disorders.  So I am considering it.

I think my real problem is drinking.  I have lost some weight, but I am not horribly underweight, slightly.  Yet, I drink usually close to a 4 glasses of wine in the evening.  I know I am drinking most of my calories.  If I stop drinking my weight would drop significantly.  Still, I don't feel thin enough to go.  I don't want to be the person that doesn't belong.  I know my weight isn't critical at all.  I am barely underweight, not alarmingly so.  I know I've lost weight this month but for a short two weeks I cut back on drinking and that was when it dropped.   

As I write this the decision seems clear.  But, I don't want to go, and if I do go I don't want to feel out of place.  I was in a trauma unit for two months early last year.  Going in and out of the hospital is no way to live, but neither is the way I am.  There is also a part of me that is mad.  I wish I didn't have these struggles.  I look at people who don't have these problems and I know the difference is trauma.  So I'm mad, mad because of what happened continues to impact my life.

I struggle with anorexia.  Right now I have zero interest in food.  I went to the store yesterday because I promised to and it was only for survival.  It has been a roller coaster for me.  I'm good, then I get triggered and struggle, then eventually, maybe, good again.  I am so so tired of this.  Right now, I am underweight.  The only thing I don't like about it is my therapist tells me that unless I can maintain my weight we can't work through trauma.  I also get subtle threats that if I can't do better I need to go to the hospital.  The hardest part for me is, I have never really had eating disorder treatment.  I have a dietician who has never worked with eating disorders.  I have a trauma therapist who is great, but we don't really work through the disorder.  I am suppose to just do it and my motivation is threats.  I am really being cynical right now, I apologize for that.  You just happened to post when I am at a low.

I don't know how similar my story is.  I never had to eat it all or nothing.  I did have a mother who was very critical about my appearance.

From experience I think it is a form of dissociation.  I've had to work really hard to stay in the moment as my brain seems to want to go anywhere but where I am.  Things that have helped me is eye contact and talking to help keep me there.  It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, but silence and no eye contact seem to give my brain permission to go away.  I suspect it is because I did that when I was younger.  To think of anything but where I was.  It isn't that I want to do that now, but trained myself to do that.  We can teach our brains new things.

After a lifetime of being scapegoated, with the encouragement and support of a therapist I've started to go NC.  I haven't talked to my sister in months and I've only talked to my mom twice in over a month.  For me, it was the only solution and I tried everything else.  I also have had to start calling my mom by her first name.  The word "mom" made me feel guilty and obligated.  Since the only motherly thing she did was give birth I needed to think of her in another way.

I'm sure your therapist has warned you about trying to force memories.  In the few times I have had memories come back it was like I never forgot them, I just didn't remember them.  I don't think they come until you are in a place to deal with them.  Mine came back after I started therapy, actually more than a year after I started.  Still, I don't remember a lot and I really am okay with that.  I recently met a cousin, whom I apparently had a lot of contact with and I cannot remember her at all.  She didn't do anything, it was just the stress I was under at the time.  I tried and tried to remember her and I just can't.  Now, I realize if I need to, I will.  To me the hard part is realizing how much I don't remember.  I have another cousin who is younger and gives me details of all the things we did together.  I can't remember any of it.  I did tell him, just because I don't remember things doesn't mean I don't remember you.  The feeling of a memory counts.