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Messages - Dee

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Eating Issues / Re: Malnourishment/starvation
« on: October 30, 2018, 03:30:14 AM »
I struggle with anorexia.  Right now I have zero interest in food.  I went to the store yesterday because I promised to and it was only for survival.  It has been a roller coaster for me.  I'm good, then I get triggered and struggle, then eventually, maybe, good again.  I am so so tired of this.  Right now, I am underweight.  The only thing I don't like about it is my therapist tells me that unless I can maintain my weight we can't work through trauma.  I also get subtle threats that if I can't do better I need to go to the hospital.  The hardest part for me is, I have never really had eating disorder treatment.  I have a dietician who has never worked with eating disorders.  I have a trauma therapist who is great, but we don't really work through the disorder.  I am suppose to just do it and my motivation is threats.  I am really being cynical right now, I apologize for that.  You just happened to post when I am at a low.

I don't know how similar my story is.  I never had to eat it all or nothing.  I did have a mother who was very critical about my appearance.

From experience I think it is a form of dissociation.  I've had to work really hard to stay in the moment as my brain seems to want to go anywhere but where I am.  Things that have helped me is eye contact and talking to help keep me there.  It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, but silence and no eye contact seem to give my brain permission to go away.  I suspect it is because I did that when I was younger.  To think of anything but where I was.  It isn't that I want to do that now, but trained myself to do that.  We can teach our brains new things.

General Discussion / Re: Scapegoat
« on: August 26, 2018, 03:27:05 PM »

After a lifetime of being scapegoated, with the encouragement and support of a therapist I've started to go NC.  I haven't talked to my sister in months and I've only talked to my mom twice in over a month.  For me, it was the only solution and I tried everything else.  I also have had to start calling my mom by her first name.  The word "mom" made me feel guilty and obligated.  Since the only motherly thing she did was give birth I needed to think of her in another way.

Sexual Abuse / Re: Processing a potential memory vs false memory TW
« on: August 16, 2018, 12:44:42 AM »

I'm sure your therapist has warned you about trying to force memories.  In the few times I have had memories come back it was like I never forgot them, I just didn't remember them.  I don't think they come until you are in a place to deal with them.  Mine came back after I started therapy, actually more than a year after I started.  Still, I don't remember a lot and I really am okay with that.  I recently met a cousin, whom I apparently had a lot of contact with and I cannot remember her at all.  She didn't do anything, it was just the stress I was under at the time.  I tried and tried to remember her and I just can't.  Now, I realize if I need to, I will.  To me the hard part is realizing how much I don't remember.  I have another cousin who is younger and gives me details of all the things we did together.  I can't remember any of it.  I did tell him, just because I don't remember things doesn't mean I don't remember you.  The feeling of a memory counts.

Sexual Abuse / Re: Past, Present, and Future
« on: July 23, 2018, 07:25:10 PM »

Thank you all for the support.  I know it is time to cut her off.  No one should be subjected to what she is saying.  I am human and it is really painful.  Yesterday, from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (and didn't sleep) I was in a bad place.  I know I should block her.  However, I am afraid of the point of no return.  I have also told myself that if I block her I won't know if anything is wrong in the family.  If something happens to my mom she can't call me.  If something happens to one of her kids, husband, or grandkids she can't tell me.  Yet, I am tired of dragging my past around like a ball and chain.

I see my T tomorrow.  I had been going less, but after these texts started she has started seeing me weekly again.  I know it is a good thing.

Sexual Abuse / Past, Present, and Future
« on: July 23, 2018, 04:05:05 PM »

I've been gone for awhile.  I was off, moving forward with my life.  I was reconnecting with extended family that I had been told hated me, but that was never true.  I had actually been "forbidden" from speaking to them, but I did anyway.  My sister is angry because she feels she was cheated with an inheritance by them.  She was not.  I was unprepared for what I got when I returned.  I knew she would be mad, I didn't know she would bring my dad going to prison (for abusing me) into this.  All of our conversations have been by text and I stopped replying long ago, but she continues. 

She has said to me that I ruined my mom's and dad's life.  I, and I alone am 100% responsible.  My dad died a broken man because of me.  My extending family should be trashing me.  When I asked her why she is bringing the past into this she told me because it is the past, present, and future.  Yet, the most hurtful thing was my brother in law (whom I have known since I was 11 and always considered a brother) unfriended me on Facebook and then sent me a text to let me know.  He didn't have to do that.  I had hoped he would of been a voice of reason.

She had said that we have moved on from the past.  However, I can see it is not true and never will be.  I have made a point to not make it personal despite her mean texts.  I want to defend myself, but there is nothing I can say.  I want to remind her he confessed and other family members have come out that he assaulted them as well after he died.  The thing is, she is never going to listen.  In trying to defend myself I am only going to bring more hatred.

At one point I wondered if she was trying to kill me.  She knows I have struggled with mental health and had past suicide attempts.  Last year I spent two months in the hospital.  I feel like she was trying to push me off the cliff.  I was feeling horrible yesterday, but am feeling a little better today.  However, every time something new comes in I go right back to feeling awful again.

Sexual Abuse / Re: Memories...
« on: July 23, 2018, 12:56:22 AM »

I know these things run rampant in families.  The dysfunction allows for the perfect storm.  When my primary abuser died, I had other family members tell me it happened to them too.  Then I some how felt responsible for that too.  It took until I was 44 to hear it.  Also, unless family members own their own stuff, are willing to work on themselves, and stop blaming others it is never going to be the family you want.  I have had such a hard road of discovery, constantly hopeful, then disappointed, the used, and back to being hopeful.

I'm sorry.  To me is sucks that the people who need the most support don't have the family to offer it.  They don't because it was that family that led to the need in the first place.


I'm happy to hear about the good news.

Sexual Abuse / Re: Life With My Idiot Family, Kathy Picard
« on: May 08, 2018, 08:41:27 PM »

I actually couldn't relate that much to the judicial system as well.  My story was different and not a law suit as she seemed.  Mine was a criminal case.  However, I think it is less about the judicial system and more about how she fought to find justice.  I'm glad you like it.


I do two things to calm the inner critic.

First, I simply talk back to it.  I tell it to shut up, it's wrong, that's not true.  I challenge it with fact based things.  For example, if the critic says I'm stupid, I can use an achievement to challenge it with.

The other thing I do is put things into percentages.  What percentage of what I am telling myself is actually true?

I had a breakthrough therapy session with empty chairs.  One was the "manager" the other was the "victim."  I was asked what the manager tells the victim.  When I realized the things I said to myself I understood that no one should be talked to like that.   It doesn't matter their crime, no one should be talked to the way I was talking to myself.  That session forever changed my way of thinking.


Wish you the best on Monday.  Try not to diagnose yourself before you know what's wrong.  Harder said than done.



Announcements / Re: Thanks So Much Elphanigh!
« on: April 24, 2018, 12:17:43 AM »

Thank you!!!!


First, I am glad that you are overcoming your fear of turning into your abuser.  From what I understand that is common.  I am always afraid for little girls.  Not because of me, but I fear any male contact with them.  I use to look at them and wonder if they are being hurt.  It was far worse when a saw a little girl with an adult male.  I was certain they were hurting the girl.  Now, I look at them and see the innocence that I never had.  I still get a little upset if they are alone with an adult male, but I can talk myself through the distortion.  Mostly by labeling it as a distortion.

I really don't dream much anymore due to my medications.  However, when I did I often took things and twisted the in my dream.  I often would dream about someone who was safe, then they turned into my abuser even though their face was the same.  I know that person never hurt me, but I didn't wake up feeling that way.  I suspect you are doing something similar.  I have also had dreams where I have done horrible things.  Yet, I can't punish myself for a dream.

If you are really unsure I think you can take clues from your cousin and sister.  You know how you acted around your abuser, I'm sure different from other people.  Is there any indication in their behavior that there is something weird?  My guess is no.  Take cues from them and how they approach you.  There may be something different with your cousin if he was involved, but I suspect not fear of you.  My guess is there is compassion from him, not fear.

I am taking a small trip this week so I won't be on every day.  However, I am here if you need to discuss more. 


Your post is very long so I am going to have to break this down.  I read the first part about sex.  I have all these issues, but I haven't resolved them.  I have definitely been in the position of "can't wait for it to end."  Unfortunately, I've spent most of my life approaching it as a chore.  I have had fantasies that were not loving and very unpleasant.  Now, I'm taking a break.  I feel, for me, I need to work through trauma first. 

More than anything, I wanted you to know you are not alone in this.  Tomorrow I plan to read the next part and go from there.

Welcome to our site.


Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Scary moment
« on: April 17, 2018, 04:18:16 PM »

I understand that though of people will be better off without me.  It isn't true, it is a distortion.  I agree with your therapist.  I also can see how you are understanding that your thoughts may not be rational.


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