Messages

I totally understand the desire to feel loved.  This is something that I have struggled with as well.  I know the answer is to learn to love yourself, but it isn't that easy.  I really don't know what else to say, but I can totally relate.  In fact, I came to a realization.

I sympathize with going to work pretending everything was okay when it isn't.  I did that for a very long time.  I hope you are able to relax and even enjoy it.

It is called spiritual abuse and it happens.  It has occurred so much that there is a name for it and a definition, unfortunately.  Like you, I was sexually abused as a kid.  Because of that I didn't understand relationships, boundaries, nor was I able to recognize abuse.  It left me totally unable to protect myself.  I found myself in an abusive marriage and it wasn't until I was divorced did I understand just how abusive it was.  I've grown since then and I believe capable of protecting myself now.  I at least understand boundaries and can defend them.  It took two years of therapy to be able to get here, but I am.  How are you doing with it?

Something has been going on with me.  I've relapsed in exercise and eating disorder issues.  I'm touchy and take things the wrong way.  I've been disowned by my sister for the second time in my life.  The first time is when my dad went to prison.  This time, I have started talking to a cousin that she has forbidden me from talking to.  My cousin hasn't done anything wrong, just my sister fiercely defending her denial.  My mom has also forbidden me from talking to her.  It is only a matter of time before my sister tells my mom.  My cousin's big crime was lending my mom a lot of money (huge amount) then accusing her of not repaying it because of a gambling problem, all of it is true.

I have kids that are in the military.  I have my family in another country.  I have a good friend, who can only be so much.  I am alone.  Maybe I am in a huge EF of when I was 17 and alone, desperately trying to survive.

The hard thing today is my mom invited me for breakfast with my sister.  I said I already had plans.  She asked me to tell my sister.  To keep up appearances I did, so when my mom met her she would know where I was.  I sent a text and she never acknowledged it.  She wants me to apologize for talking to my cousin.  I feel I can talk to who I want, she doesn't have to like it, but should respect it.  My sister once didn't talk to her son for two years.  I don't think this is a short term issue and I can not apologize so she will like me.  I have to defend my rights as a person.

I did tell her and we came up with a plan.  The plan is to have a friend go with me.  I even went so far as to ask a friend and she agreed, but hasn't done it yet.  In the mean time I can't get out of the gym.  I just need to do it, sounds easy but I feel so good going and when I am driving away I"m thinking about when I can go back and how much more I can do.  I've got to do something as I am once again clinically underweight.  I saw my dietician and she asked what is going on, I told her and proudly told her I have a plan.  The plan hasn't materialized so I just have to be strong and do it on my own, like everything.

The first book I ever read on eating disorders were about them all, in one book.  The book theorized that binge eating, bulimia, and anorexia are all related in some way.  Additionally, whenever I read any of the symptoms of CPTSD, eating disorders are often listed.

I think we have all been there at some point.  It is petty and hurtful.  I would agree, maybe you can arrange it and invite the friends you would like to maintain.  Eventually they will become aware and tire of her behavior, but you don't have to wait.

BB, have you thought about telling her how you feel?  Perhaps she doesn't recognize her own behavior.  If she does recognize it and is using you, then you will know that too.  At the very least she will know how you feel. 

Emily,

Welcome.  I read your post as you are moving forward.  I look forward to having you a member of our community.

Dee

Welcome!  I look forward to having you here as a member.

Welcome!

I didn't start to face things until I was 42 and so glad I have.  At 44 I am being assertive for the first time in my life.  I know what my likes are and what my dislikes are.  I'm feeling less guilt about things that were out of my control.  I've got a long way to go, but I have come a huge way!

Get some rest and take a day for you. 

 

Congratulations!  It is a breakthrough and worth celebrating.  AND you are moving forward with it, that's great!

Planning is very important.  It isn't the same situation, but when I was planning on telling my kids I role played with my therapist.  Nothing went as I imagined it, but I had some basics that I was able to stick to.  I was confident in what I was saying as I had practiced so many times.  I had also discussed my plan for after I talked to them.

Your therapist would know better, but I wouldn't recommend telling him first.  It will just give him a chance to come up with a plan.  Police never alert someone they are on the way to arrest them for a reason.

Thank you!