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My sister has issues, but blames everyone else.  She truly believes that she is right and everyone else is wrong.  She has tried therapy but leaves when she doesn't like what they tell her.  She actively advocates against all therapy.  After this last round of being called selfish, disappointing, untrustworthy, I am practicing what I have learned in therapy.  I can't change her, I can only change myself and it might not be accepted.  I can't have the relationship I have always wanted.  To be honest it was a fantasy anyway.  It's time I let her go and take care of me.  It is heartbreaking, but there is no other option.

I'm not saying it is exactly the same for you.  I love my sister dearly, but I can't do this anymore.  I am saying you can only change you and not anyone else. 

I have been a big fight with my sister, huge.  She is mad I talked to a cousin that I have been forbidden from talking to.  She called me selfish, untrustworthy, said I betrayed her, she is disappointed in me.  I never went there; instead I maintained I can talk to who I want, when I want.  I don't have to ask for permission and I don't have to report it.  The less I responded the angrier she got and the worse she got.  She brought up my dad, how much she has gone through (implying when I reported him and he went to prison).  How she has worked hard to overcome my actions and I should have compassion for her.  Instead of begging for forgiveness, which I would have done a year ago, I maintained my position of having my rights.  I wanted to call her manipulative, controlling, and mean, but I didn't.  I simply kept it about my rights to talk to who I want.  She even asked if someone else was writing my texts.

My therapist asked today where I go from here.  I said nowhere.  I am not going back and I am maintaining my current position.  I mean that.  How she feels about me came out.  She said the past is behind us and it clearly it isn't and never will be.  I am heart broken.  Not to mention I feel betrayed by my brother in law; who I have known since 11 and thought of as a big brother.  I am heart broken, but proud of myself at the same time.  I stood up for myself, my rights, and never went to her level.

On our books page is the book, Life With My Idiot Family.  She took action more than 30 years after.  She had no real evidence, but as I read I understood there is all types of evidence.  She won her case.  She also had to fight and change the statue of limitations law to be able to do it.  Her case did go to trial, but she got her day in court.  I think she benefited from that.

Yes, you absolutely will need support.  While we are all here for you.  Also, I suspect there may be local support group.

When I first came to this site I would say that nothing good came out of my dad's conviction.  With therapy, I don't see it that way anymore.  I use to feel so guilty about it and I no longer do.  I can really look at it and feel validation.  Not to mention another victim came out after his death and I know I wasn't the only one.  I know that I probably saved other's with his conviction, there would of been more victims once I wasn't available.

For grounding I use my 5 senses.  My T says I have five fingers, one for each sense.  While it seems a little childish I can remember it.

I also do 5,4,3,2,1.

See 5 things
touch 4 things
hear 3 things,
smell 2 things
taste 1 thing

That really does make a difference to pull me back into the present.

My family is super dysfunctional, to include my sister and her immediate family.  It took me a long time to learn that I can't look for support in someone who isn't healthy, won't admit it, and won't get treatment.  My sister has been covertly abusive to me.  She has treated me like I am not an equal, her sister with all the problems.  She wants to tell me what to do, what to buy, what to think.  The truth is, I am far more healthy than she is.

I have been able to make friends lately.  Real friends, that don't judge me and supports me.  I admit, I don't totally trust them.  However, I am working towards that.  The only people I really trust are my therapist and my kids.

Welcome,

I understand caring for a parent that I would want to be in too much contact with otherwise.  I did actually tell my mother the other day that she knows nothing about me; she doesn't.  My mom is mean and will scold me like a child, then I too feel like a child. 

I am very glad you have a good therapist, as do I.  I feel you have a lot to contribute here and hope you stick around.

I'm good, thank you for asking.

It is wonderful to hear that you have such support.  It is also important you learn to love and support yourself.  At your age I looked to people to save me.  Then I learned only I could really do that, so I did.  They could support me, but only I could save me.  It took me awhile to get there.  I didn't think I could make it on my own, get a job, or move into dorms at a university.  When it was suggested that I could get a job and afford a place of my own, I wouldn't listen because I thought that wasn't possible.  The week of my 20th birthday I did just that.  I have had ups and downs, I even got into an abusive marriage stemming from wanting to be rescued.  I did however have the resources to support myself and leave the marriage.

Welcome Gonzomom.  I don't have any advice, you seem to be doing everything I know to do.  The only thing I wonder is if you go to therapy?  For me, as I work through trauma the flashbacks become less and I manage them better.  I do use essential oils to help ground me.  I even keep one in my therapist's office.

Thank you, I needed a little reassurance. 

EMDR is crazy tough.  I did it inpatient only and I can't imagine trying to do it and have to deal with life.  It took everything out of me.  One of the other patients said that when I came out I looked like I've been in combat.  I sort of was.  I can understand how you might need to rest and process for several days.  I'll be honest, I am not brave enough to do it outside of an inpatient setting.

Welcome.  It's never too late to deal with things.  I once read an article about sisters who were in their 80s and was awarded money for childhood abuse.  One of them said I may only have a few years left, but they are going to be the best years of my life.  They had never dealt with the abuse until their late 70s.

Also, that is a recent death, it's hard to deal with any death yet alone the death of someone who have such mixed feelings about.

I haven't dated since my divorce two years ago.  It isn't because there are a lack of men, but because I don't like any of them.  I don't feel I can connect.  I don't feel they are stable.  I also feel that the thing they are drawn to is my looks.  I'm not comfortable around them at all.

I've been doing volunteer work and it has put me in contact with a man who is old enough to be my dad, two years younger than my mom.  He is stable, mature, healthy.  I can talk to him for hours and have.  I find myself wanting more.  And then I wonder, am I drawn to him because he is a father figure?  I think it is sick if I am.  I did feel I had a special relationship with my dad growing up.  I felt he was the only person who loved me.  He also encouraged that.  Here I am at 44 feeling special to a guy who is old enough to be my dad.  I think I'm disgusting.

I did a quick read so I could understand this and I had a lightbulb go off. 

First, I recognized my sister's relationship with her younger son instantly.  I always knew it was not normal, but I didn't have a name for it.  Now he is married and it isn't going well, they are talking divorce.  The biggest reason is there are three people in that marriage, my sister being the third.  He is 30 and I have even seen things like her make his plate and cut his meat for him.  She has told me that she feels extremely close to him and that he understands her.  He has self esteem issues and is just coming out of rehab for alcohol abuse.  He was never given the gift of independence and he feels like a failure.

The other thing I wondered is if overt and covert exists together?  From what I read I feel it can and probably usually does.

I'm really tired this evening or I would write more.  My blank spots are attributed to dissociation.  I can remember beginnings, endings, and nothing in the middle.  I often to get a image, but I am unsure of it.  I think that it is a flash of what was otherwise lost in dissociation.  It is the flash I am unsure of, the rest I know.  I suspect though that those flashes are accurate.