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Messages - Trees

#151
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: An Intro of Sorts
January 01, 2015, 05:57:17 PM
Welcome middleground.  I applaud your great courage!  I am so glad you were able to hang in there and post a bit of your story, even in the face of dissociation.  I look forward to hearing more from you.  You have found a safe place here.

Sending lots of hugs....   Trees
#152
Medication / Re: Gabapentin
December 24, 2014, 07:04:59 PM
Kizzie, you are so right about the wide variety of reactions to psychiatric meds, due to physiological reasons that are mostly still unknown.

I have found that anti seizure meds do often help me to some extent.  I have tried a variety of them over the years, and it was gabapentin that helped me the most with the least side effects.   It is unfortunate that so many people don't know how helpful the higher doses can be for some circumstances.

These days I even adhere pretty much to a ketogenic diet, which has helped a lot of epileptics with otherwise intractable seizures.  I find that it does indeed calm down my brain considerably.   Trees
#153
Medication / Re: Gabapentin
December 19, 2014, 06:55:34 PM
Hi, I have been taking gabapentin for maybe ten years.  It was first prescribed for me by a VA psychiatrist treating me for ptsd.  Currently I take a total of 3200mg a day.  And in the past I used to take a lot more.

I don't notice any side effects.  For me, gabapentin reduces the torture of the endless negative thoughts erupting out of my mind like clouds of mosquitoes in my face.  I feel less tormented, less exhausted, far more able to think clearly.

I have tried out many different meds.  The only ones that have continued to help me throughout the years, without side effects, have been gabapentin and fluoxetine.  I would take higher doses of
each if a prescriber would permit this.  But I find that even an "inadequate" dosage does make a significant difference in my ability to function.     Trees
#154
Dear lfc93, my thoughts are with you.  It is hard being the scapegoat of an entire family.  It seems to me that, in the face of all that, you have an amazing clear vision and a clearheadedness that will stand you in good stead.  I hope you will keep in touch here and let us know how you are doing.  I send you a hug  {{ifc93}}  and love also to help with the washing away of the fear.  Trees
#155
Hi folks, this site was recommended to me by someone whose judgment I trust.  I have read around the site a little bit, have read so much that I utterly identify with.  But I noticed I was getting too nervous about introducing myself to be able to concentrate on the words of others.  So I need to start writing to get past this internal barrier.

Though I always knew my childhood was difficult, it was not until my late 30s that the memories of early childhood sexual abuse began to surface in my brain.  I had never been stable - lots of depression, anxiety, social problems - but when the really ugly stuff resurfaced in my brain, I was pretty much wiped out.  A lot of the "memories" were just endless sensations of raw terror.  Soon I was unable to work.  That was 25 years ago, and I have never succeeded in returning to work.  Not too long afterwards I started remembering how my mother had always loathed the tiny child I was back then.  Perhaps she was not even conscious that she had turned the molested toddler into "the other woman", but she always treated me as "other" forever after.  Plus, as I was the oldest, I was always her designated helper servant.

I know now that my father was extremely cptsd, very angry.  My mother was extremely depressed and bitter.  My family moved constantly.  By the time I was 19, I had lived in 21 different places.  The family was usually extremely isolated because of my father's personality.  My mother, knowing no one in the vicinity, would take us to local libraries to feel less alone.  I learned to live completely inside of books.  To open a book and dissociate into it, that was where I found safety and companionship.   

These were the circumstances that shaped me.  I have spent all of my adult life trying to emerge from the fear, the brainwashing, the dissociation, the shame, the isolation.  There were 3 stays at psych wards, a long period of homelessness, many therapists and groups, but mostly clueless about ptsd.  Out among people, I am nervous, frightened, dysfunctional, so I am a hermit.  Finding Pete Walker's site and articles and books has really helped me feel less alone in the world.
So hello to everyone here. I hope to tag along with you folks.