Messages

..the rain. We need the moisture here, badly.
I woke at 5 am today, and listened to the birds slowly waking up, chirping out yawns and waking the world with their busy proclamations. Occasionally, I hear sticky tires roll by, making wet smacking kisses against damp pavement. Embrace this day. Even the tiniest nuances can offer something grand.

Ack. Sorry you went through that. It sounds like an incredible amount of pressure.

Left to flounder on my own, I always thought with the proper support I could have been a surgeon or attorney or something big brain-ish.

An early morning toast to the parents who get it right.

Over the last few years,  I have managed to share almost all of my trauma in therapy. Sometimes I buried hard stuff in a listing of things to deflect the importance or mention it in passing in a scenario such as, "oh I was in a car wreck, burned my arm, was criticized, date raped and called to dinner late." Like maybe she wouldn't notice. HA. But regardless o f the delivery, I got it out there. Now many of the things we did not dwell on I just feel better knowing she knows.

I plan on bringing this up at my next session but my question is the focus on the now vs the past. Granted they may be intertwined to different extents but I am curious what the collective here believes: do we want to or can we gain from walking away from the pain and shifting focus entirely on the present and changing current patterns. In other words, are we remaining in victim mode when we continuously don waders and muck around in bad memories?

Blu, I always felt blown off and disappointed by her answer. Certainly not encouraged to share.

  Recently I was thinking of the ACOA work I did long ago and people always said "they did the best they could."  Now I think, no, not really.  The best would have been to get their asses in recovery and learn how to be supportive parents.

I used to go to ACoA meetings and found a lot of comfort in knowing how many dealt with the same issues I had. The Laundry List, etc., quite helpful...

Hmmm...thank you for your replies. I am mulling on this.
I am not sure if it is words that I am afraid of sharing, but rather a feeling of insecurity, the dismantling of the wall, releasing the vulnerability.
Yes, we had secrets, and that is an interesting point.
I think there is nothing that I haven't told my spouse, so we need to talk about this. She knows all of my demons and history. I mentioned in another post that Im a freeze and she's a fawn, so perhaps she is needier and I am the cheese-stands-alone type.
Anyway, aside from sharing history and so on, anxiety rears its head, a feeling of unease that comes from letting my guard down.

In the past, if I shared with my mother in an effort to find support or advice, I would hear "Well, I don't know what to tell you." If I talked to my sister, she would get this overly sympathetic and somewhat gossipy tone (not sure if that makes any sense) with a follow up question "Hows' such and such going?" which pretty much drove me up a wall so I quit sharing. Probably not my most mature act of recovery.

Anyhow, there are those we share with and those we choose not to share with and those who deserve for us to share with but then we do not due to fear.

So, I have come to a lull in my therapy, I think, where the boss lady was pushing me a bit today to come up with a way to challenge myself, to define a goal that I could work on and push myself. I've worked a lot with social anxiety in the past, and have made great strides there, I think. I still have my weaknesses there, like everyone does - fear of speaking in front of a group, etc.

I believe my next big hurdle is TRUST. I have posted previously about my spouse and best friend both telling me they would like me to share more. I know this is a trust issue. I keep people at arm's length. I want to work on this, but how does one make definable goals? Perhaps this is something to discuss with my T, but I am interested to know if anyone has or is working on TRUST, successfully, and how they are doing it?

I think that my mistrust manifests itself by me keeping myself very guarded. I believe I have residual fears of being teased, criticized, judged, and so on. On the other hand, I can't see myself walking up to my friends and blurting out all of the wicked things that have happened in my past.

I know when making new friends, you share a bit, then share a bit more then more, but I am talking about intimacy, the kind where you can be who you really are without having it thrown back at you.

It's a tough subject linked arm and arm with vulnerability.

Compelling information. Perhaps this is part of the area where trauma reshapes our brains.

Thanks!
It's been a long road.  Relationship speed bumps are my remaining issues, I think, but they encompass a lot of CRAP.

Thank you - I really appreciate y'all backing me up.

My T suggests that I retreat in situations like this and I'm sure that given my mountain of trust issues that others see me keeping them at a certain distance. I've had so many experiences in the past where offering up too many personal details was like giving people ammo,  on top of the usual defenses from growing up in the land of dysfunction.

My T also suggested that I share the inner child concept with my friend as a starter conversation to sharing more. My friend is in therapy too for work related stress and perfectionism issues so I don't think she would judge. I just don't know that I want to go there. Back to the trust issues and revealing the protected core. Do I really need to share my history of abuse to get to the next level of closeness?

I like what you say about boundaries but do think I am too detached at times.

I do get jazzed and excited and share joys, frustrations but prefer keeping MY sharing on the surface with the majorit
y of folks. This makes me an excellent listener and confidant. And as you said, I'm a really fun activity partner.

My partner is codependent while I'm a freeze so I wonder if she is simply seeking the same level of neediness from me. We make an interesting study on attachment disorders. ;-)

I have been in a committed relationship for 20 years with my spouse and occasionally I hear about their want for me to 'open my heart'. This confuses me as I do tell her everything. Thoughts feelings ideas etc.

Then last week I got an email from a good friend I've known for 10 years telling me she would like me to share more. I am flattered and touched that she cared enough to write this. She has been through a lot over the years and I have always been there for her.

Now I work hard to keep my life on a steady keel without a lot of drama. My T says I do this on purpose due to my past. I don't gossip or have any big emotions to share. So basically I want to know: what do these people want from me?? I feel I am missing the intimacy boat here somewhere.

I think I share almost everything with my partner and I'm not interested in dragging my friends into my childhood traumas or therapy. I know I am guarded but I'm at a loss here.

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing. My friend may be concerned with oversharing. 

[a lot]

I think it is a defense mechanism, outercalm, like you said, a way to keep people at a distance. I have been TRYING to work on this lately. It takes a lot of effort and consciousness! It's a deep seated HABIT.  I usually talk along and then think, "oh, yeah, I need to look at this person". Avoiding the eyes is something I've been doing for as long as I can remember, but I don't think the protection it provided is necessary any more.

I'm sorry to hear this happened. I think we especially get hurt in situations where we want to trust and risk being vulnerable. I appreciate you sharing as a way to help prevent others from the same thing.

Rr...sounds like this friendship turned into an empty shell and you've made the right choice if you ask me. Being honest and straightforward can be tough and you are a strong person for taking this road. There are loving and nurturing people out there though at times it seems they're hiding under bushes and rocks. Keep the faith. You will connect. We deserve to be picky.

Sounds like a powerful.photo.
that's the thing about them - they make our history real. Validation.