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Messages - wingnut

#31
Successes, Progress? / Re: Inner child renewal
April 10, 2015, 01:51:28 PM
Well good to know it's not just me. My kindergarten school photo, I look so so sad I could be a poster child for childhood depression. It's a mainline to the heart looking at that thing.

Thanks for sharing.
#32
Successes, Progress? / Re: Inner child renewal
April 10, 2015, 04:14:35 AM
Yes my T said mine is hard to reach too behealthy. When I was young I hid in closets, under beds and so on. BUT I am committed to me and am dragging that book and an old photo of very sad little me into her office. She pointed out how I couldn't even look at photo when I took it in before. My inner child was too "in my face." So I'm bracing for round 2.

Do any of you identify w the IC thru photos? It's evocative.
#33
Successes, Progress? / Re: Inner child renewal
April 07, 2015, 12:03:55 AM
Argh. I am about to head down the Inner Child road in therapy and it scares me. I have a big inner child that still lives loudly, that jokes, makes up goofy songs, does stupid dances and makes weird noises. But with the T, I have to face the sad, abused and lonely side of her.


Funny side note: Several years ago, someone found a coloring book at a yard sale with my name in it from when I was 5 years old. They knew my father, bought the coloring book and returned it to him, and he sent it to me. 40 years later, this coloring book resurfaced! How crazy is that? Where had it traveled over that time? Now, I told my T about this and she wants me to bring it in next week. Im guessing there is coloring in my future...
#34
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Trust resources?
April 06, 2015, 11:15:05 PM
I think the best thing is to stick a toe in the water.
I just had a discussion about this today, as I work a bit more on remaining social anxiety issues.
It seems as though trusts exists on a continuum. It is not black or white, nor does it have an on/off button.
I believe we trust people to varying degrees, perhaps to some extent this is an instinctual reaction.
For me, with SA, it's a hurdle folks have to prove them selves to some ridiculous extent to gain my trust. However, I think with therapy, I am making some great progress with this. The discussion today was, why I am more comfortable around some people.some social situations than others. For example, sharing a history, common experiences, having been to each other's houses, time and proof that this person isn't going to hurt me builds trust. Also, I feel if someone trusts ME, confides and shares with ME, then I can trust THEM. Stepping stones, baby steps, through out a tidbit and watch their reaction. Doing the whole shebang and spillage of the guts has never worked for me, though I've been amazed by those who can.
I don't know if this helped at all. Is there anyone in your life that perhaps you like to get a bit closer to with whom you can put a bit more of yourself out there.?
#35
General Discussion / Re: Therapy regrets
March 29, 2015, 09:08:45 AM
Honestly, it sounds like you are on the right path.
Working on therapy, thinking and poking around, you are exploring and learning, reading. Mindful meditation is an incredibly strong tool. Keep it up!
#36
General Discussion / Re: Therapy regrets
March 27, 2015, 02:52:59 AM
I don't regret hit as ive learned so much.
I regret my resistance as it takes me forever to let go and see what I'm doing.
#37
The Cafe / Re: Jokes
March 19, 2015, 04:13:22 PM
Can anyone else relate to this?  ;D

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#38
As stated in another post, I am reading "The Body Keeps The Score" by Van Der Kolk which has photos of MRIs.
What was very interesting was the MRI of someone dissociating  - it was completely blank. The brain totally shut down. Very weird - 'splains a lot.
#39
I started reading his book last night, "The Body Keeps The Score." It's a fascinating read as it gets into the brain in detail, how it reacts to trauma, photos of actual MRIs, and so on.
#40

Wow! I am so glad everything worked out.

I have had more than one work situation like that and it can really eat away at your insides, keep you up at night, turn on the negative message machine, etc.

The last time this happened to me, I had a bully who would stand outside of my office and say things of a derogatory manner when no one was around to hear him. Who does that???!!! After a few weeks of this randomly happening, I found all of the intestinal strength that I could muster and got IN his face in the break room, asked him if he had a problem with me and if we should take it to HR. He played dumb and looked shocked and stupid but it never happened again. That was SO hard for me, but I sure felt good about it when it was over. I did some research along the way and unfortunately there seems to be little published about bullying at the workplace. Also, he left a few years ago. I outlasted him!

I've found that the dirt settles to the bottom, while the cream rises to the top.  :thumbup:


#41
General Discussion / Re: Group therapy
March 17, 2015, 01:07:21 PM
Hi. I got this from the bureau of vet affairs.
Hope it helps. Id love to find a non 12 step and non fee program too.


How can I find a peer support group?

Here are some ideas to help you find a peer support group that can help you deal with PTSD or a traumatic experience:

Do an online search for "PTSD support groups" or for a group that relates to the specific trauma you experienced, like "disaster support groups."

Anxiety and Depression Association of America* offers a list of support groups across the country for a number of different mental health conditions, including PTSD.

Sidran Institute* Help Desk locates support groups for people who have experienced trauma. Sidran does not offer clinical care or counseling services, but can help you locate care or support.

National Alliance for Mental Illness* (NAMI) Information HelpLine provides support, referral and information on mental illness care. You may also find family support groups in a NAMI state or local affiliate online or by calling 1(800)950-NAMI (6264).
#42
This smacks so familiar.  I spent hours gazing out the window in elementary school. 
All my t does is ask me what I feel in my body and I get spaced out. It pisses me off because it takes so little and happens week after week. I'm on a mission tho.

It does make perfect sense to me An..I figured we're masking some pretty serious *!
#43
Anamiame,  would you mind sharing what kind of work you and your therapist are doing to hammer on this topic?  :-)
#44
I understand.  It's addicting. It actually does release opioids and dopamine so that's why it feels.good.
but until we are fully present we can't heal. Therein lies the rub.
#45
Oh, boy! My favorite topic! In fact, my T and I have decided that 2015 is MY YEAR to tackle this beast, so this is almost all we talk about.

I have my greatest dissociation and anxiety in therapy...it takes very little for me to pull away from feeling my body. It's tough for me to have the focus on me, I spent my life trying to hide, which is a Catch-22 because that is the antithesis of what therapy is! Argh!!!

Anyway, I don't go too far away. She has a huge set of french doors in her office that look out on a garden, and I spend over half of my time staring out there, or at the sheers over the door, or the window frame panels in the doors, or the cat that walks by or the occasional deer that shows up, sometimes a few feet away, sometimes up toward the ceiling - anywhere but focused on or IN my body.

I've often thought, and do need to put this into practice, that I need to turn so I am facing in the other direction, looking more at her and away from that damned door. She'll ask me a question, a not very intrusive one at that, and *shoop* I am gone. I hate it.

She gave me an assignment yesterday that you may want to try - using a scale from 1-10, 10 being highest, rate different situations of "ease" and "freeze". Alone, I am always a 10 on the ease scale, in therapy, I'm a freeze queen.

I sure hope this really is my year to break through this defense mechanism. It's a tough habit to break. And that is exactly what it is - it's no longer a necessary tool. Isn't it amazing how quickly and easily we can land there?