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As a child and early teenager, I remember turning photos around so that the people in the photos couldn't see me. Though cognitively I know they couldn't. Does that sound similar?

That sounds exactly like it.

Thank you all for replying. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my post and as usual it brings me some consolation that I am not alone in the way I have experienced things.

So I was really impressed with reading about somatic work in Pete Walker's book, As I have a lot of anxiety meditation is not something I can concentrate on, but somatic mindfulness is not talked about so much as meditation but as drawing attention to your body. That opened for me the door to mindfulness and paying attention to my body and reducing anxiety in the moment because I realized I can do somatic work anywhere at any time. I really need to look into this more as I have still only the basic idea of it, but wanted to share this ted talk with you guys.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGnGRgyLwMs

["The chaos"]

I've decided to do another post. I did wonder if I should post in journaling, but I'm not sure these posts are related to recovery.


"The chaos"
My upbringing was not very stable. I was passed between two carers a lot for the first 8 years of my life (my M and my Gran). I think at some point my Gran who I was attached to decided that if she is not my mom and not going to look after all the time me she can shut herself out from me. So after one of the transitions from living with my Gran to living with my M, my Gran just became this cold person that no longer loved me. That is how it was in the eyes of the child I was. Not only that but she had given me to this monster that treated me badly. It took me a decade to realize this is why I hated my Gran. Not only that but later on my Gran would claim I was taking drugs and that is why I was behaving the way I was. In addition my M would start saying things like "You are out of control" (as what you do with kids is control them), "You scare me" (when I was scared of her and simply acting out). I was the monster it seems. She was scared - so I acted scary. She shouted - I shouted back. But acting scary did not set me free. If M was having a bad night and not sleeping - I wouldn't sleep as well. If she was feeling she would tell me everything about it and make me feel * as well. She would talk for me as if she knows every thought I have, she would victimize me, and not once would she ask me and show interest in me. She would feel my head with her thoughts and believes and I believed them. She would tell me how Gran was bad because of this and that and I would go and take it out on Gran. Now I see I thought if I did that I would help, solve the problem and make everything better. But it only got worst. I was an unconscious participant in this abusive dynamic. I was dragged into it and fed into it. And when I tried to stay way, when I would dissociate I would be dragged back (sometimes literally) and shouted at. Of course I would be told everything about how bad I am, what I am doing, why I am doing it and how I am feeling.

"My Childhood Delusions"
When I was 8 or 9 I started developing this feeling I was being observed. If I am watching TV I felt someone is watching me back through the TV. If I was in the loo I felt someone can see me through the shower head or the mirror. I knew this was not real but I felt it so real. So even when I was alone I would regulate the way I would act. Of course this was not something that would happen all the time.  However years later when I was a teenager this expanded into a bigger delusion. I thought everyone on the street was looking at me. Even worst - I felt everyone can hear my thoughts. So I would dress in black, bow my head and stair at the grown (I am tall so it was difficult being invisible) and regulate my thoughts. I knew this was impossible, but it felt real.
I did not connect both of these delusions until years later, and only recently I realized they have to do with the extend to which I was controlled and suppressed. To this day I think anger and shame are my biggest problems. I have no idea how to regulate my emotions because my Gran will simply shut hers out and my M (her daughter) went the other way - she would pour all her emotions out on me.

I've mostly have overcome these delusions, but it's funny how sometimes I will talk to someone and a thought (more of a  feeling) will creep in - that they can hear me, and while I know it is not true I will change my thought or if it is something I am ashamed of I will make it sound as a joke. As if I am not seriously thinking this shameful thing. It's rare but it happens.

I occasionally wonder if other people had delusions to overcome like me? Have you?

[Hatebreed]

it's funny. I haven't been listening to as much music as before, but it has been, at moments, my salvation. I listen to various genres so not sure how much this will be appreciated but I found in the past Hatebreed's "Supremacy" album to be something that would help me channel my aggression (Rise of brutality is also good). Honestly it will be difficult to pick up a single song, so here are few examples:

To The Threshold
This is the sound of the lost, beaten and broken,
Rising up and claiming what was been taken from us
From the shadows of the past
From the depths of our own failures
Stepping forward into the light
Denying our demise
Decimating all uncertainty
Bowing to only who can place judgment upon me

Give me your broken
Give me your beaten
I will build them up
I will lead them
To the threshold
Make you stronger
Make you believe
I am one in the same
But now stronger then uncertainty
Within this army
This is more than a battle cry
It's the blood of our lifeline
Flowing faster


Mind Over All
When I was at my weakest
And I had given in
Some had counted me out
Some rejoiced in my failures
The few that believed
Gave me power and life
Gave me strength with their trust
Surrounding me with light

hey, absent,

if i may disagree with you in the most caring and concerned way....

Sanmagic thank you for the reply. It's very insightful and I agree with you. In fact I know what you say is true, but sometimes hearing it from others is more helpful and reassuring than just saying it to yourself.
I did read it shortly after posting so apologies for not replying. I wanted to say something but I tend to distance myself from my problems. My brain sometimes becomes paralyzed and I just cannot come up with an answer, but I did appreciate you taking the time to reply. I really wish this website had an option to "like/give-thanks" to a reply.

Everything in your post feels very relevant to myself as well. You recently replied to a topic I posted in which, for the first time online, I share a specific life event. Not only I feel unable to use the M word, but while writing the post my brain was going through scenarios of her seeing my post and confronting me publicly, and convincing everyone of her delusions that she is the victim.
Anyway not trying to over take the topic. Just wanted to let you know I completely understand your reaction and feelings. I think you are very self-aware and you amaze me. I wish I could give you a real
best of wishes to you.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and reply. I know it's not easy sometimes and can be triggering, but i have to say - you guys made me tear up in a good way.  back from me.

Keep on posting when you feel ready.

I think I just might do that.

Hello everyone,

I've been having a really difficult time lately and just wanted to share something, and I've been writing and re-writing this for about two hours, It started as one thing and now it's completely different. But I have no one I can share this with and I think this is the most appropriate place. I think I am in self-pity mood.

I think I should also add the following, though not what part of what I wanted to post.
I didn't know I suffer from depression until I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, I quickly came to realize I had a lot of anxiety. Shortly after, I started thinking about my childhood and re-evaluating it. This process has been going on a while. I started to suspect I may have been abused, but when such thoughts appear I would usually try to find a way to discard them. I read a lot on different diagnoses, that I thought could fit me, but ultimately did not feel like the right fit for me - such as BPD, ADD, Aspergers and few others. Now I am at a place where I can at least online say - I was emotionally abused and neglected and I believe I suffer from cPTSD. I was controlled and ignored (it sound contradictory I know).  My upbringing affected me in a way that made me incapable of loving and receiving love, enjoying many simple things, or even trying to build a life.  I feel like my carer stole my heart, motivation and life, and all I have left is the pain.


When I was at the age of 10 or 11 I had a calcium deficiency. On the x-ray my bones were transparent. My main carer at the time bored into my head that the deficiency was caused from me growing up too quickly (I was slightly taller than the other girls). And she believed that. And why would I not believe the person that I love the most?

At the end of last year (two decades later, and after many years suppressing my memories) I had a 'light-bulb moment' - I did not have a medical issue due to me growing up too fast - I was simply malnourished. And I am so so very angry and sad about that! This was just one of the many things I got blamed for instead of her taking responsibility. Apart from that school year where I was stuffed with two eggs each morning to get the calcium I need, I was never given breakfast, and even if I knew breakfast is the norm, my priority in the mornings was to get out of the house without being seen (which meant avoiding the kitchen) as to not cause any outbursts of anger. That meant also no food at school, at best I would have a meal a day at dinner. I was often hungry, though I can't say starved. But in her eyes the reason for this was me growing up (dare I say with the same rate as other kids) that was the reason for my calcium deficiency (and at the time not diagnosed anemia), not the lack of her care for me.

Was this calcium deficiency a bad thing? Was it abusive? No. Apart from the pain in my legs it did not affect me really. I would happily continued to live with it if it mean not having more attention on me. But the cause of it I believe is abusive. This should not have happened. I did not deserve it. Someone should have helped me. There were witnesses. They are guilty too. It's not just the food thing. There is more, but this is all I wanted to share tonight. Even now the doubt creeps in me - did I over react? Did I imagine? Was it as bad? I don't know. I only know how I feel....

Be gentle and understanding with yourself.   

Thank you for saying that. A much needed reminder 

Thanks sweet sixty. Any input is welcomed. I think you are right. I am very much stuck. I am realizing how much the lack of support throughout my life has made me non-resilient. I was just watching some TED talks on PTSD and some people have managed to move forward from a lot worst than me. Yet they did have some support. It certainly matters in building up resilience.

Dee pen and paper will be. I'm curious if I go through with this. Four more days.

Sanmagic also great advice. Thank you. I'll try to follow it as Dee's and not chicken out at the last moment.

Really appreciating you both replying.

Thanks Dee,

I've started putting things down, but I end up removing most things as I worry I am blowing things out of proportion. The once I've left feel to general - Change, responsibility and relationships is all I came up with so far.

Thank you for the suggestion of handing the list written down. I'll try that. Still have most of a week to think on this.

Hello,

so I get 9 fee counseling sessions from NHS and my next one is the 5th one. I am not diagnosed with anything as it seems in the UK no one likes to or has the ability to give diagnoses. So my counselor has asked me to make a list of things that scares me. I am however very visual - If I can't imagine myself in a situation I cannot assess my reactions, but my mind is also very good at distracting me from the task in hand, As someone who is (I think) scared of everything and I avoid everything (I have no life - social or personal), making a list with exact statements is proving somewhat challenging. I think it would be silly to put on the list things like - "Everything scares me" as then I know I will have to think of examples or "Making lists scares me".

I think what mostly stops me is the idea of having to read the list to her. I know I should be taking an advantage of the few session I have been offered but my anxiety really gets overwhelming in sessions, my mind shuts and feel like I am choking. Also my mind starts to misunderstanding the questions in order to sabotage the whole thing.

Okay I'll end this here as I''m starting to deviate from the original topic and my thoughts are turning really dark.

I don't know how bad it is. I'm not that familiar with all the symptoms and nuances of CPTSD, but yes it's been happening way too much lately. To the level where my work productivity has greatly decreased and it is exhausting me as it's causing an emotional reaponce as well. I think those are intrusive thoughts. I don't know how  to stop them and it's draining me.

[justifying]

I'm not sure if anyone is reading this or interested in the topic but today I had a few more thoughts on this so I am just going to write it here. More for myself.

I realized the main theme in my overwhelming thoughts is me justifying what I am feeling, my actions or lack of, my decisions. In a sick way it is as if I am replaying my relationship with my abusive parent (my mom). And it is as if my brain is trying to prepare me for any possible situation that may rise. A constant battle ready (or the 4Fs) state. No wonder I've been so exhausted lately.