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SweetFreedom very detailed and I think correct reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for the suggested sources. I'm looking into the app for the mindfulness meditation and the emotional flashbacks links. Emotional flashbacks is a term that is fairly new to me and I stumbled upon it when trying to figure out what was happening in my life (yet again). As I am not diagnosed, for years I've tried to avoid self-diagnosing and defining myself as someone with (c)ptsd. It seems with each depressed episode I learn something new and gain new perspectives. I think I am finally at a place where I can allow myself to say "I was abused, I'm traumatized, time didn't heal sh*t as I was hoping". 

And if you unpack this even deeper, you may find that this is your brain's way of keeping you distracted from what *really* matters, and what real pain may be buried underneath all this. It can be an active form of self-distraction.

I am the master of distraction. I think the only times when I loose control of that is when I am highly stressed or having a depressed episode. When I am "okay" I just have the energy to avoid all the things that need avoiding. For me the described state of thought hijacking was always a symptom that I am getting worst. But I never considered if my mind is trying to distract me from the pain. I always assumed it is a reflection of it.

Hi SnapOutOfIt.

I suspect it would be more useful for you if post in the "out of the fog" forum, which is a support forum for people in relationship/ family members of people with personality disorders.

This is how I see it:
Dissociation - is when something happens but it doesn't bothers you. You are present but not connected emotionally and mentally with the situation. It happens when there are triggers and it makes you numb. (It's probably more complicated and nuanced than that. I don't think I dissociate so this is how I explain it to myself)

Flashback - is when a word, a situation or a sound makes you remember the past. This may just be a disturbing memory or it may cause a panic attack. The way you have described a flashback: "Sometimes everything around me fades into the background and sometimes I'm completely gone." - I would say that is "Dissociation".

Emotional Flashback for me is when your body relieves a past trauma. There might not be a trigger. I think these are probably the most difficult to identify.

And yest a flashback can have emotions with it or not, so it can also be an emotional flashback but I think it is important to distinguish an emotional flashback from a flashback not the other way around. A flashback can just be a memory or an intrusive thought. But an emotional flashback doesn't have to be connected to a a memory or a thought or a trigger. It can just be your body remembering the feeling and reliving it.

Not sure if I made it all more confusing. This is just how I explain it to myself. 

I also think while it's important to remember these are three separate terms for three separate states, but their are all exclusive and inclusive. While maybe one person will only have emotional flashback, that doesn't mean you are not experiencing a range of those or more that one at the same time.

I don't think the three separate terms were created to divide experiences as much as to include a broader range of symptoms into a diagnose and to help us understand some more subtle ways people suffer. I think if cptsd didn't exist as a term (as well as emotional flashbacks) I would not be able to understand what I am going through. I used to mistake emotional flashback for depressions. I also didn't think I have any flashbacks as I thought those are only what I've seen in movies veterans will experience. I see now that is not the case.

[I had to embrace it as a part of me so that I could manage it.]

... It's like there's a soundtrack in my brain with this constant negative chatter that is more like a radio play on an all-talk channel that I don't have control over. It works through scripts, scenarios, conversations and monologues.... The signal gets much louder when I am under stress. I am not schizophrenic. Does that sound familiar? ....
...
I find it can be loudest when trying to sleep, when stressed, or when faced with particularly tedious tasks that still require focus (data entry type work, or complex problem solving where I have to sit and think before I can dive in). Because I work regularly now at keeping the volume low, it's a bit easier to either push on and ignore it, or at least notice the volume creeping up so I can switch tasks and shift gears for a bit. When exercising or meditating  I don't always try to avoid it, sometimes I listen to see if it's actually relaying anything important and if I can disprove what it's presenting. I had to embrace it as a part of me so that I could manage it.

Haya,

thank you so much for your reply. I read it the day you posted but was unable to respond as I don't like to write long pots from my phone.

First I want to say I'm sorry it is something you also experience. And yes, I can very much relate to what you are saying. Regarding to drugs I've only ever done alcohol and weed but I am also (very happy about that) unable to get addicted to substances. The latter specifically tends to magnify the sadness in me. It's like a box of chocolates. I never know if I will get a happy one or a sad one. 

All you are saying has made me think about this retrospectively and I think you are right that that this chatter might be part of a normal chatter that goes on in my brain, but as you said it gets worst when I am stressed out and anxious which causes it to turn more negative (and then cause the suggested above Amigdala hijacking). I remember having it even when I was 12 or 13 (not sure if I had it before). I would also experience it if I am overly happy and feeling well. Unfortunately I cannot hide my emotions, they show on my face and in my body language so this chatter pushes trough and overtakes me.
And yes, it's very much like a soundtrack - it has a theme doesn't it? At least I do. It's as if there is nothing in real life to actually trigger my anxiety my brain will just force it on me. 

I never thought to accept this and embrace it. I didn't know if I can do anything about it, but I also didn't give it much thought. I'm very good with suppressing and pushing things a side. If I don't pay attention to thing they eventually disappear (until they appear again). I think I shall try to employ acceptance as a technique with that instead of mentally berating myself for being like that.

Yes! I relate to this! It's like there is a radio somewhere, and it's loud, and the dial is broken so it's constantly going thru all the stations, a second or two each station, sometimes multiple stations at once! It makes me crazy. The one time I had acupuncture, it subsided some but didn't disappear. Makes it very hard to concentrate!

Hi Three roses, Not sure If I ever had multiple station going on at once. It may be that I didn't pay attention. I'm really sorry you experience it like that. It sounds exhausting. Is this experience something that is not talked or looked into by mental health professionals? Or is it just what they call "the inner critique". I also assumed the inner critique is just the things we say to ourselves to push ourselves down, not this kind of chatter that we cannot control.

You've just put into words exactly how I feel.

Until recently I thought I don't even want a relationship. I think this is a way I would make myself belief I was in control of my life. Recently I started experiencing loneliness and heartbreak. I think a person should be happy by themselves but as we've (I at least) never had a normal relationship that fulfills our (read "MY") needs we feel something is missing.

I also know that there were some impossible expectations from my mom (not walking quietly enough, walking too quietly, what is the exact level of noise I should be making as to not provoke a response) I fear I would never be up to people's expectations. I realize a lot of those are imaginary - for example I am not responsible for other people's emotions but I do feel like I am. And if I try not to I feel guilty about that.

And then how do you communicate all of that to someone? And even if you could how do we expect of them to understand and respond properly?

Sorry for overtaking your thread. Hope I'm not making you feel worst. If you ever find any resources that work for you please share in this thread. I will subscribe.

Hope you have a peaceful night/day

Thank you for the welcome Three Roses.

Reading the description in your response that is certainly something I experience quite a lot on a day to day basis. What I am describing is slightly different, in the sense it is not always caused by a real situation. Its as if my mind on its own will play this scenarios for the sake of me feeling this way. And when I catch myself doing that I can stop but then shortly this starts to happen again. Certain things can distract me from this.

Haya,

I've noticed recently when my general mental health starts to deteriorate one of the first symptoms I experience is ... I'm not sure what it is. I just wonder if other people have experienced this and can relate. If there is a proper term for it or a connection to specific experiences or PDs.

It is as if I lost a mental control over my brain and even if I try to concentrate hard on anything (work for example) in the background of my mind another set of thoughts starts to run. One that plays anxiety-trigger-related scenarios and soon those thoughts overtake my normal train of thought. I don't always immediately realize this over-taking has happened. In time I've learned to shut these down. However these thoughts are so overwhelming that the negative emotion they bring will show on my face and I will enact them with body language. So I end up walking down the street waving my hands as if talking to someone and making faces looking like a crazy person. Or I will realize I'm staring at my monitor at work while arguing with someone in a completely made up situation.

I realize how these thoughts can be seen as the reason why my anxiety goes up and while I admit they feed it and can cause thing to get worst, I've noticed I experience them more when I am going through a ruff patch. I also know different people internalize differently. I'm not sure if the above is just me being preoccupied with myself or it is because I cannot regulate emotions or anything else. My need to label (I know that is not always good but it also give me validation) .... and research is causing me to look into this specific aspect of my mental health. While it doesn't sound severe it causes me a lot of frustration as I cannot concentrate to even do my job properly.

So, any thoughts?