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Topics - C.

#1
About three weeks ago I realized that my entire childhood/family of origin experience included domestic violence.   And that a child witnessing domestic violence experiencing nearly the same psychological/physical response as if the violence were happening to the child.  And the domestic violence still happening for my mother, many many years...  It's mostly emotional and verbal, but my father will grab at hands, slap, throw stuff.  It's not the traditional media portrayal with choking or punching.   It's the classic pattern with periods of "calm" and "love" and "kindness."  And I was recently made aware of bizarre physical abuse by my father towards me, like pouring dinner on my head when he was angry.  I had honestly blocked that one out.  I am coming to terms w/the fact that I had denied and repressed this reality.  At first as a child to stay safe, and then simply continued the denial on into adulthood like many trauma survivors.

I've contacted dv hotline, worked through emotional/verbal abuse and neglect both by my parents and my first husband.  But this feels new.  Different.

Thankfully I have better support now: therapy, insurance, secure work, my brother, my husband and a few friends in real life.

I would appreciate any validation, empathy, similar experiences, ideas or other input from this group.

Thank you,

C.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello Again
August 11, 2020, 03:43:50 PM
Hello Again,

I am back after taking a break from this group for a few years.  I healed from an emotionally abusive marriage and emotional parental abuse/neglect, and then recently became aware of more childhood trauma...ugh!  I had a full on panic attack last week but at this point in my life it came w/dangerously high blood pressure.  So I am reaching out again here, getting more therapy, medicine, and medical treatment.  Fortunately I now have a supportive husband and Faith to also help me through this journey.  I love this group, all it has to offer and know it works.  Here's to all of us continuing the journey towards healing, whatever path that might be.

C.
#3
Something that has been on my mind a lot, especially since beginning recovery, is the idea of  "Paying It Forward." 

I want to give an example from my own life.  For about 10 years I was fortunate to have a home and enjoyed having friends and family stop by to visit.  I often would share food and meals.  Fast forward to a few years ago when I hit rock bottom.  I was low on food and lonely.  I found that I had friends who gladly shared their food and company with me.  These were not necessarily the same people, but somehow it all worked out.  I helped others when I could.  And others helped me when they could.  Different people and different times, but oddly it felt like the same.  Like a special kind of unity of human spirit...

I've felt like that a lot during my recovery.  Somehow the right person at the right time would help me.  Then someone else might need something from me and I would be in a place to give at that time.  It happens IRL and on this forum for me.  It makes the world feel like a much better place.

This got me thinking that I'd like to hear about other people's experiences of Paying it Forward.  What are some experiences in your life or on the forum of "Paying it Forward?"  Some thoughts you might have about this topic?
#4
I came across this article from a friend and wanted to share it w/the forum.  It's about addiction to "drugs," but the recovery method applies directly to those recoverying from cPTSD in my mind as well.  I found it inspiring and thought I'd share it here too:

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/12/the-likely-cause-of-addiction-has-been-discovered-and-its-not-what-you-think.html
#5
I am in a new romantic relationship.  We've been communicating daily for about 2 months.  He contacts me daily, is kind, appropriate, attentive.  But now he's taking a few hours instead of a few minutes to respond to my phone calls or texts.  It triggers me. 

I don't want to scare him away, or sound needy, but I also don't want to experience this trigger.  Thoughts anyone?  Suggestions?

#6
Checking Out / Healing going well
September 16, 2015, 04:24:16 PM
Hello everyone, 

I haven't been so active on the forum lately and it's been for positive reasons so I realized that I'd like to check in and let everyone know.  I still plan to be on the forum a few times per week, but I am developing some IRL supports that are helping to fill that natural human need to connect.  You guys still understand me the best...the triggers...the responses...the coping...so I know that I'll be around, just a bit less.  But my love and appreciation for everyone on this site continues strong.  Plus, I don't know what life will bring me and I'm pretty sure that, like all of us, there'll be times when I need to reach out or give more.

May you have a blessed day,

C.
#7
Over the past several months I've come to better understand the origins of my C-PTSD and how to get support.  I lived a life of chronic emotional neglect and abuse for about 45 years.
   
Yet, I've noticed that the place where I feel the most "raw" is regards to my 20 yrs of marriage.  I have compassion for the child & adolescent, I have compassion for the experience of being "abandoned" by my husband, but I feel a low grade contempt for that Pollyanna me who allowed my husband to be inappropriate with me and my kids.  I think it's a combination of anger, self-loathing, sadness, guilt and regret.  I feel this low-grade irritation and contempt for my ex.  I went through the usual grief stages already during our divorce.   I thought that I was done w/anger and had moved on to peace... How can I move past this feeling?  Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I really don't like this...I feel so sad that the photos w/my children cause me pain...I think the primary thought is "if only that 'me' had known..."
#8
Ok, so I've been contemplating these ideas a lot the last few days.  On one hand it makes perfect sense.  On the other there's something that's still bugging me about it.  But I think that I've figured out what that is. 

I used to "fawn" a lot.  I would seek out situations, people, friends and family who behaved inappropriately.  I would "win" them over.  Then I learned that those people never really changed and although they were sometimes "nice" to me they also criticized and/or ignored me.  It was always about them.  So I quit them.  I didn't need to work for a while either so I could really avoid them and the ensuing contact.  Then I went back to work.  My son periodically behaves like his NPD father.  Reality again.  I need to cope.

During all of this I became aware of people who would frequently excuse poor behavior.  A classic example is driving.  Someone is aggressive, goes too fast, cuts another person off, flips the bird, etc.  But friends or family say, oh, it's ok, they're having a bad day.  And I'd say well I have bad days, but I don't lash out at other people like that.  It's not ok.  And I don't really want to know or interact frequently w/a person who behaves in such a manner.  It's toxic.  And even the healthiest of humans can only afford so much toxicity before becoming ill.

But there's still my teen son.  My ex.  My parents.

Then I come across Byron Katie.  I briefly looked over her web site.  It makes sense.  I want to be enlightened like that, for toxicity to wash past me too.  It aligns more closely w/my belief system.  But I don't want to excuse, enable, or be harmed either.

Please, help me understand...does her philosophy mean saying "(bad behavior-yelling, insulting, hitting, criticizing) is ok b/c she/he (reason-bad day, someone died, sick friend, lost job, et.)"?

I feel like I'm missing something here, or making something simple complex, or perhaps I'm just not yet ready, but it's been nagging away at me and I would like to understand better.
#9
Successes, Progress? / I'm grateful for...
April 06, 2015, 09:57:52 PM
I noticed that we have a topic for how I feel and what I've realized.  I've come across the idea that gratitude contributes to joy and happiness.  I've noticed and appreciated comments related to gratitude.  So I thought it might be nice to keep a list of things for which we're grateful for in spite of, as a result of, in addition to, etc. C-PTSD.
#10
It became clear to me tonight again that I'm very purposely being targeted by a co-worker, she's being covertly aggressive on a daily basis.  I might have the support of my supervisor, he's had concerns about her, but really b/c of the cptsd it's a pile of "little" things that she's done.  I know just can't take it anymore.  Tonight I'm tearful, had a hard time smiling or feeling any happiness at work and I just want want to tell her I give up, you win.  I'll go.  I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.  She's there 40 hrs per week and clearly doesn't want me there.

When I'm in a little more positive place tomorrow I'll talk w/my boss.  She doesn't come in for the next two days so I have a list of possible requests:

Can I have a good reference?...so far he's had nothing but praise for my work including getting employee of the month and an upcoming lateral promotion (next month)

Until I find other work or am transferred, can I always have another staff present when she's around?... I don't have the emotional energy for her attacks, she ignores my hellos, glares, sighs, shuts doors loudly, uses sarcasm and pejorative words, and corrects me several times per day.  Mostly when others aren't present.

Can he give the assistant manager a heads up?...this co-worker has been making wrong assumptions about my actions, then telling the assistant manager and coming back to tell me the "correction" to something I never thought, said or did.  She interrupts me if I try to advocate for myself.

Can I be transferred to another department?...I like my job and the company, so maybe other places won't have such toxic people.  Perhaps graveyard would be the best shift for me.  I love the clients, it's the co-worker(s) that cause me such stress.

Can her fire her?...hahaha...I wouldn't say this one, not my role, but I think that it would solve everything for me :)  who knows, maybe there'll be divine intervention?  I suspect a lot of people would be grateful. But that's probably a pie in the sky dream.

And just in general, what's the point of all of this?...am I meant to learn to cope and stay there?  have I reached a boundary that this is too much for my cptsd?  A guidance for what is "too much" right now?...I was in a mild EF from about 4pm (she'd left a covert nasty note, correcting something I didn't do, but intended for my eyes only) until about 7:45pm when I finally was able to really focus on my clients....

I took a prescription anti-anxiety med just to get through my shift, I felt relaxed enough to cope, but has that made me more tearful than usual?

I called my T so I'll hopefully get a little guidance tomorrow, but I'm really at my wits end.  My heart tells me I just cannot do this anymore...it's too much...like I may need to take a leap of Faith and see where I land next...

I don't really have anyone else...just my T and this forum.

I have a couple of friends that I might call tomorrow, but I'm reluctant to burden them with my drama.  Like many here my FOO and many friends cannot provide appropriate emotional support.

Ideas, thoughts, validations?????

Thank you
#11
I am having a mild EF about a relational situation at work.  One of the staff is definitely passive-aggressive and likely has NPD traits.  When I "match" her tone and expression she is more appropriate.  When I am "kind" with tone, words and expression she's inappropriate.  When it's time for a shift change I have to communicate w/her and I notice it's causing me a lot of stress.  I went to a recent training and learned that her behaviors really are not ok w/my organization.  But she's been there longer.  So I've decided to simply record her behavior for the next two weeks, "match" her, and go from there.  I'm posting here b/c it's causing me a lot of stress, arms feel trembly, throat tight...I think that for most people her behavior would not cause such a high stress response, but of course in me, with CPTSD, it does.  And recording her behavior also causes an EF  Argh!!! :  ( 

I wonder if I should just let the recording her behavior go and focus on my coping response?  Ideas?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?

Her behavior could also affect other staff and a few vulnerable clients...
#12
In November BF and I just stopped communicating.  I stopped texting or calling and he stopped visiting.  I realized that it was a positive step forward b/c he'd always been appropriate and kind.  But for a number of reasons I think we both realized that we just weren't the right match.

Due to abandonment issues and fear of an EF I decided to just stop communication.  I didn't want a formal "break up" conversation...I think he felt the same way...

I recently learned from a mutual friend he is seeing someone else from his church.  I was surprised to find that I felt relief.  I had made the wrong assumption that he'd returned to his ex GF and since I have trust issues it brought up the whole was he cheating on me all along? drama  Plus I don't want to become a member of his church so if that was important to him I'm happy he met someone with whom he can share that experience.

Now I have a couple of his things and he has a key to my place.  For reasons I don't need to describe I don't worry about him entering my home, it's just not the way that he is...he didn't even use the key when I was home only to bring me a present on my birthday.

I've been avoiding seeing him for fear of an EF...but I want my key back...how can I do this and stay relatively healthy in the process?  Will getting the key back bring a little closure for me?  Or simply re-open a wound I'd started to heal from?

I've thought about simply texting him that I have a couple of things for him and I'd like my key.  Then leave the items outside in a bag for an "exchange" when he has time and I'm not home.  Or maybe have him mail the key to me and ask if he even wants his things.  It seems so chicken of me, but I really need to focus on me, my son and my job.  I don't want to risk my emotions from this experience getting too "big"...right now they're manageable...

#13
Successes, Progress? / Momentum Building
February 03, 2015, 03:06:21 AM
Today I am simply awed and grateful for the existence and growth of this community of people healing from or somehow related to CPTSD.  250 "members" in about six months...that means about 500 in a year and it will keep growing as those knowing about CPTSD and looking to heal find this web site.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with "PTSD" because I had the anxiety attacks (EF's), but I hadn't experienced a "visual" trauma.  I knew FOO had an impact, but I didn't understand.  But the resources weren't out there much at that time either.  Then like so many I found "CPTSD" and it brought everything together.  The EF's with their nebulous origins that I'm learning to find and address.  I am not discounting anything, but it was so strange to have PTSD symptoms but no visual trauma...no car accident, rape, war battle, etc.

Thank you to a Greater Good for making all of this happen.
#14
Several weeks ago I posted about my teen-age niece who had near suicide attempt.  I’ve been able to communicate with her parents (my brother and sister-in-law) in a way that I think felt supportive and caring.  My adult daughter has connected with her cousin and drove to visit her.  Often she's invited her brother for these types of activities, but that has not occurred so far.  She was raised by NF with emotional incest...she fawns and denies some...she also is joy to be around and has many friends.
   
But I’m feeling uneasy about my teen son’s (almost 16 years old) response.  His first response was not empathetic at all.  Kind of a “that figures, she’s socially weird…” attitude and words.  The words and attitude mirror his father’s (my NPD ex-H) attitude about the girl.  My son defended his response somewhat saying he was “sorry”, basically just now surprised…Later that week his father commented that he was struggling a bit with the situation.  His father is actually a Therapist so he knows about “emotions” but his NPD precludes objectivity and a true “fathering” perspective of what’s best for our son.  I can never trust his reactions since they’ve ultimately always been self-serving.

My son gets very defensive and angry if I try to talk with him about subjects that he doesn’t want to discuss.  He can then “stew” in the anger for hours or days.

This all feels convoluted with a couple of topics for me. 

First, how to appropriately engage my son in the reality in a way that supports him?  Was his response normal?   

Second, I spent my life fawning over N father and husband with recent awareness about it.  Am I grooming NPD in my son unintentionally?  Or was I in the past?  Assuming yes to some degree, how do I avoid the pattern now?  What are areas to focus?  I suspect empathy is one and have made some headway there…what else? 

Third, what is simply normal teen development with my son?

Fourth, what's the big picture here?   ... I feel like I'm not seeing the forest for the trees...
#15
Has anyone used the ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) Survivor to Thriver workbook, or similar such tools?  What has been your experience with this or similar tools?  Here's the link for it
   
http://www.ascasupport.org/_downloads/survivor_to_thriver.pdf

I like their premise that "I was a child and therefor powerless against the adults who abused and neglected me"

I printed out the workbook b/c I like the format and the general stages.  It's also simple and aligns well w/other cptsd literature & tools, it has "work" to do alone and with T for each step, and gives structure, with appropriate flexibility, to something that for me is so nebulous. 

I think that Kizzie summed it up well for me on one of the threads as a nebulous cloud.  I have limited visual memory, I think b/c I had to suppress my emotional needs starting in early childhood (0-3 yrs old) like fear, loneliness, anger, anxiety or sadness.  Plus my parent's tumultuous relationship undoubtedly caused a lot of fear and anxiety for me.  Everything that I've read and my current successes at healing, have shown me that I need to grieve my missed childhood safety and nurture in order to move on. 

What I have is this unmet desire to remember, to acknowledge, and move through...but it's soooooo hard to find!  How can I process something that I cannot find or remember?...I feel like I'm trying to nail a dark cloud to a tree in a dark & foggy forest!   Every once in a while I catch a glimpse and understand, then I process and feel better.  But seeing the cloud may happen through a real life trigger.  Although the triggers are a blessing in that they help me see where to focus, they can surface unexpectedly in places like work or parenting when I need to focus on something else.  This can be a problem at work.

I'm hoping the workbook will allow me to start to see the cloud more clearly.  I hope to combine the workbook, this forum and T.  Supplement with Walker's book and prayer ;)

I'm posting here in case there are others who've seen or used the workbook and would like to comment about what they liked, disliked, etc....
#16
For many years walking in nature has been a solid self-care strategy.  For the past years dance held the same magic. 

Then I recently dated a man for about 8 months who also enjoyed these activities so we danced and enjoyed walks in nature.  But the relationship ended a little over a month ago.

A few months before it ended the thought of dancing or hiking in the nature park alone brought on mild EF's.  I processed some inappropriate childhood messages that were "under" the EF as well, like my father's judgement and hatred of all things "sexual."  But I still feel anxious and simply avoid the activities.

Sadly these were the mainstay of my body fitness!

I now feel very protective of "me" activities.  I kind of wish I'd never allowed someone else in to my dance and nature space, but it's already been done.

So how might I return to nature and to dance?  Or do I need to give them up for the moment and explore something new?  I've considered archery...

Ideas?
#17

Three years ago I had a husband (of 20 years), two local close friends (for 15 yrs), friends from the past with whom I spoke regularly on the telephone (of 35+ yrs), faith community friends (20+ yrs), work friends, marriage connection friends, biological family, and in-law family.  You get the idea.

Then my separation began and I went into full CPTSD mode.  Sometimes I would have 5 panic attacks alone in my home over the course of a couple of hours.  It was exhausting, painful and new.
   
Within about 2-3 months the whole of my support system withdrew, noone initiated contact with me.

Around that time I found 3 women with whom I connected during that time.  One provided a safe home for me free of charge for several weeks.  All of them initiate contact with me and remind me that they care about me.  But, as I've grown healthier I've noticed very unpleasant down-sides to our friendships and I know I'm repeating a lot of the "fawning" with two and "dissassociate" with another.  It's b/c one asks too much of me, wants rides places, another in trying to "help" me has been critical of me and my relationships, and the third just makes me sad when I hear about her attitude of giving up on her 15 yr old daughter. 

With these three women I've learned to set boundaries without guilt and be more discerning about what topics we discuss,  but I don't feel like I have a friend with whom I can be fully and wholeheartedly me, and who shares true reciprocity of support/conversation/activities.  In Walker's book he mentions that as a possiblity.

So what do I do?  I removed myself from these friends for several months, but felt lonely.  They did continue to reach out towards me even when I didn't respond much.  I've re-connected and sometimes I've felt less lonely, sometimes the same.  Perhaps it's more me than them?  Or have I outgrown the friendship and sense a void of what I really need and want?

Have others had this experience?  What did you do or find worked for you?  I am a very social person so I tend to enjoy being around people, I've just become a lot more sensitive and aware of what's appropriate.
#18
I just re-read the description of a journal on here and noticed it's suggested to have one thread with my journal so I will do so from here on out.  I wrote a poem about two weeks ago and it seems time to post here:

The Snap


My emotions were inside the candy cane
Many, many years of adding layers of sugar, flavor and colors
First by my parents, then myself, my husband and others
   
Sometimes little holes where sweet steam escaped
In fear, irritation and anger

And I sucked on the candy cane and called it life and joy

Until the day my husband stopped by snapping it in half
and leaving candy counter...

So all of the pain, the grief, the anger, the fear and even a manic type joy burst into the world
They had been captured inside the sweetness
Unaware, unregulated, but free

Messy
The syrup covered everything
The colors and the flavors mixed

But I separated them and began to truly taste

And I start a new, healthier recipe
Gradually separating & identifying the colors, the flavors
Sadness, nobility, empowered, anger, irritation, joy, serenity, surprise...

Like strawberries, pomegranates and chocolate
Popcorn, pecans, potatoes and tamales
Even sardines, oysters, and tacos de lengua

And so I learn to take the emotions with the experiences
Give them names
Experience the taste
And health
And healing
Of my new table setting
Of my new life
#19
01/21/2015

Emotions: from overwhelming states to regulated moments.

Feelings.

I've been starting with my body.  Trying to "feel" the emotion and I'm amazed at how physical emotions can be.  I learned this from an early childhood therapist who was bad therapeutically with adults, but what she taught us about kids stuck with me for me then and for me right now.

When I feel sadness in my throat it's because I've had to suppress that emotion being told that it wasn't significant or real.  But it was, so it sits like a lump in my throat asking to be let out and when I write, speak or cry I feel the sweet release of my truth.

Fears settles in my wrists and makes them tremble so the fear of making a mistake grows because it's hard to do much when your hands quiver.  That fear subsides when I tell myself that it's ok.  I lovingly nurture me and validate the fear.

Then there's the tummy pain.  That one hits me unexpectedly and suddenly.  Usually in the form of a sweet memory of a moment no longer present in my life.  Moments that I miss.  Like allowing and watching my 3 year-old son take of his shoes to feel the soft summer lawn.

Followed by a headache remembering how my own parents let me go everywhere without shoes, bragging about my toughness or puzzled I wasn't hurt.  And then the realization that I was hurt and my brother had foot surgery because we weren't protected from our childhood whims, given a limit to our shoeless feet or coatless adventures that lead to hypothermia.  And my childhood friend's joke about us hippie-raised children when she says "where were all the grown-ups?"

Then relief and sighs at the sweet release of emotion, not unbearable, simply real & true.  No more clown faces with exaggerated smiles.  No more hiding.  I'm being set free, and coming home, to my own serenity.
#20
After reviewing the threads I was debating between "progress" thread and journal thread.  I read the description that Kizzie wrote, thank you!, and that fits so here goes...

1/19/15 Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday

So I've moved back into my home after vacating it in February of 2012.  It had been our family home, full of 12+ years of my children's childhood, hosting many faith-based, family and friend gatherings.  I moved out when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't function or view my marriage as an independent person.  The house (a duplex) was also potentially in foreclosure, and my husband of 20 years who'd daily said that he loved me, had stopped. Instead, he said that he was going to move out to a studio apartment in the woods to "find himself," and where his mistress who'd I'd just learned about, could visit.  That way he could "visit" me and his son on his way to work while he was "deciding" what to do.  So I left.  He eventually moved her in.  And I felt triggered anywhere near the space.  Then they moved out.

I visited the space after 2 yrs of healing last spring and it felt like "home" again.  I wanted to return as the "new" me and make it "my" space.  I've been here for 6+ months and it has been healing.

The tragic part was our cat.  My ex didn't take her with him and so she lived outside in the carport through a year's worth of tenants.  She'd had 14 years of attentive care, always fed, able to sleep and spend time inside and outside.  Now she was 15+ years old, scraggly and pathetic looking.  Fortunately, the neighbor took to feeding her (my home is a duplex). Unfortunately, she'd taken to "not" using the kitty litter box, so I didn't want to bring her inside b/c of the potential mess.  Plus my bf at the time didn't care for having animals inside the house.  And I was afraid that if I brought her inside, she couldn't handle the cold outside.  And I think that with my CPTSD it was just too painful to attend to her.  I hoped to one day soon bring her inside again, but I wasn't sure when.  So, whenever I came home she'd meow pathetically and she eventually gave up.

Well, today I brought her inside.  She tentatively looked at me, and then, decidedly walked over the threshold into her home.   I cried for her suffering that was brought on by the divorce, by me, by circumstances that she couldn't control.  She simply contentedly curled up on the couch and turned over for me to rub her belly (we'd jokingly call her our "dog-cat") and groom her. 

Next, I felt that relief, that serenity that comes from taking a step forward in the healing process.  And I look forward to taking care of her again in the final years of her kitty life, snuggling on the couch together and feeding her and just being around my daughter's kitty again.

I love the way my cat communicates! :)  She went to the laundry room and meowed LOUDLY.   It's been about 3 years, but that was where she was always fed in the past.  I shed a few more tears, took her outside to the neighbor's food bowl and am on my way to the store to buy some cat food!