Childhood: Intellectually I've known for a long time that my parents didn't provide me with what I needed as a child, but it's like I'd turned off that "need" for so long (since infancy we think) that it's been hard for me to understand and/or experience emotions in smaller doses rather than the extremes that come with CPTSD and emotional irregulation. Since reading Walker's book I've come to understand on a deeper level that I did not receive "good enough" parenting for me to develop a healthy sense of self, emotional regulation, or healthy ways of relating to others. Classic situation of ongoing emotional neglect and intermittent emotional abuse. The pieces of my childhood that I've put together by stories from my always smiling "happy" (fake happy, like a clown it seems to me now) mom, include that the only way I'd sleep as a newborn/young infant was to "cry myself to sleep", then as a 1 year-old when I "tantrumed" she would put me in my crib alone until I was done with that unpleasant behavior, the sewing project she was working on when I was a 1 year-old so that I'd learn to "wait" for her when I needed something, then the near daily verbal abuse of my father towards my mother, and my mom turning to her 10 year-old daughter for emotional support. Throughout my life I've been told that I was a shy and fearful pre-school child, like it was something in my biology.
Awareness & sadness: I now see these stories for what they were, emotional neglect and my anxious response. I've known this intellectually for a few months (I was in denial for 45+ years), but I just couldn't seem to feel anything about it. Then, about a month ago, I was thinking and trying to "feel" when the tears came and I sobbed for that helpless baby that felt sad, lonely, afraid or tired and just needed to be held and hugged. Now, often when I'm reading through threads on this web site, when I read Walker's book, or watch House M.D., I find myself crying for short periods of time followed by feeling relief and serenity. Simply writing this post has brought on tears now and again along with a lump in my throat, maybe (because) b/c I need to allow myself to cry harder?
Anger: Pete Walker talks about some of the other emotions of grief for a childhood lost, and although I almost tapped in to anger, the moment passed and now it just seems so hopeless and long ago that anger feels pointless. But, maybe that's my inner child at work who learned that anger got me nothing. In fact, I seldom feel anger now, although during the last 10 years of my marriage irritation became a frequent emotion. The only time I feel anger now is with behaviors of my teen-age son-negative behaviors that I fear his father or I have unconsciously "taught" him. And I probably should feel angry with someone at work, but I tend to "freeze," afraid that I might "get in trouble"(a.k.a. fired) and so I end up just concentrating on doing my job instead. I think that once my "training" with this person ends (she is not a supervisor and the supervisor seems kind/appropriate), I'll be able to be more appropriately assertive and strike that balance of human interaction that Walker describes. This co-worker/trainer is undoubtedly not very healthy herself, so right now I need to concentrate on staying "safe" around her and normal assertiveness might be seen as defiance or a threat. Fortunately, I will not be around her as much in the very near future since my "training" is coming to an end.
Questions: Are the tears that I describe "grief work" that I'm experiencing? Is the anger/irritation rising up from my childhood? What next? How do I know that I'm not simply re-traumatizing myself, especially with this web site? When, if ever, will the tears start to subside? How long is it healthy to focus on the sadness before I need to move on to anger and "angering" as another step in the grief work of a childhood lost? Am I simply learning to experience sadness in a healthier way?
I have a therapist who I work with, but he's out of town for two weeks right now, plus that's an hour per week and I have other times when I can process this pain in healthier ways. My therapist has told me that experiencing triggers and processing them is a major way to do the grief work. At the moment this forum, therapy, and writing are my healthy options for processing. I don't have any healthy friendships at the moment with whom I can do this work (recently noticed I'd been "fawning" or accepting emotional abuse/neglect in my "friendships").
Question: Does what I'm describing sound like grief work?
Thank you in advance for any thoughts or ideas you'd like to share with me on this thread
Awareness & sadness: I now see these stories for what they were, emotional neglect and my anxious response. I've known this intellectually for a few months (I was in denial for 45+ years), but I just couldn't seem to feel anything about it. Then, about a month ago, I was thinking and trying to "feel" when the tears came and I sobbed for that helpless baby that felt sad, lonely, afraid or tired and just needed to be held and hugged. Now, often when I'm reading through threads on this web site, when I read Walker's book, or watch House M.D., I find myself crying for short periods of time followed by feeling relief and serenity. Simply writing this post has brought on tears now and again along with a lump in my throat, maybe (because) b/c I need to allow myself to cry harder?
Anger: Pete Walker talks about some of the other emotions of grief for a childhood lost, and although I almost tapped in to anger, the moment passed and now it just seems so hopeless and long ago that anger feels pointless. But, maybe that's my inner child at work who learned that anger got me nothing. In fact, I seldom feel anger now, although during the last 10 years of my marriage irritation became a frequent emotion. The only time I feel anger now is with behaviors of my teen-age son-negative behaviors that I fear his father or I have unconsciously "taught" him. And I probably should feel angry with someone at work, but I tend to "freeze," afraid that I might "get in trouble"(a.k.a. fired) and so I end up just concentrating on doing my job instead. I think that once my "training" with this person ends (she is not a supervisor and the supervisor seems kind/appropriate), I'll be able to be more appropriately assertive and strike that balance of human interaction that Walker describes. This co-worker/trainer is undoubtedly not very healthy herself, so right now I need to concentrate on staying "safe" around her and normal assertiveness might be seen as defiance or a threat. Fortunately, I will not be around her as much in the very near future since my "training" is coming to an end.
Questions: Are the tears that I describe "grief work" that I'm experiencing? Is the anger/irritation rising up from my childhood? What next? How do I know that I'm not simply re-traumatizing myself, especially with this web site? When, if ever, will the tears start to subside? How long is it healthy to focus on the sadness before I need to move on to anger and "angering" as another step in the grief work of a childhood lost? Am I simply learning to experience sadness in a healthier way?
I have a therapist who I work with, but he's out of town for two weeks right now, plus that's an hour per week and I have other times when I can process this pain in healthier ways. My therapist has told me that experiencing triggers and processing them is a major way to do the grief work. At the moment this forum, therapy, and writing are my healthy options for processing. I don't have any healthy friendships at the moment with whom I can do this work (recently noticed I'd been "fawning" or accepting emotional abuse/neglect in my "friendships").
Question: Does what I'm describing sound like grief work?
Thank you in advance for any thoughts or ideas you'd like to share with me on this thread
Hello Supportive Community Members,