Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Topics - Candid

#3
Neglect/Abandonment / FOO 'in' jokes
September 01, 2017, 05:34:21 AM
My parents often talked about their early married life in a caravan.  They got back from a walk one day and realised they'd left the window open; ElderSis was covered in snow.  It invariably ended: "And she's never been the same since."

I came three years later, and she's always been the same to me.  In Four-F typology it's hardly surprising she's a Freeze.  She looks a good 10 years younger than I do.  We ran into someone she knew on the street, who insisted on guessing who was older.  I said: We're the sister who smoked and the sister who didn't smoke. (From an old anti-smoking ad.)  ElderSis said: No, we're the sister who lived and the sister who didn't live.  She never said a truer word.

One of my dad's jokes was that they were going to move house while I was at school.  I'd had four addresses by the time I turned 10, so this seemed quite feasible.  Enough for me to have nightmares about it, anyway.

There was a time, when I was around 10-12, that my father told me he'd give me a sixpence at the end of any week when I didn't cry.  It was then Mother's and ElderSis's job to make sure I didn't get the sixpence.  Not once! 

To this day, I hide myself to cry.  And then, when I do so, I 'see' ElderSis screwing up her face and going: "Waaaah!" at me.
#4
General Discussion / The pre-emptive smear campaign
August 14, 2017, 08:55:29 AM
This post has been moved from Blueberry's Loyalty thread. I set out to demonstrate that I understood her situation -- and discovered I had a lot to get off my chest. How come I have no FOO and precious few extended family members? Here's why:

Mother and one sister smear-campaign pre-emptively, ie. telling whoppers to anyone they think I might talk to about them. As one hideous example out of many, I reconnected with an aunt (Mother's sister) when I returned to my birthplace from Australia. Blow me, almost the first thing out of Aunt's mouth was: "[Mother] doesn't know why you're not talking to them. She thinks it's because they took you out of [the school I attended in England until we migrated]."

I was floored. Speechless. Flabbergasted.

I had gone NC with Mother (and by extension, my dad) right after The Most Horrible Event -- the so-called 'mediation' that turned my hair white in a matter of weeks. There'd been no mention that day of our migration 22 years earlier, much less of my old school. Migration was indeed a traumatic time for me, losing familiar town, extended family, friends, pets... but even at 13 I knew it was what my father considered best for the family. Desperately homesick as I was, I never made a murmur about something my parents, my elder sister and I were all going through at the same time.

In order to preserve her reputation, Mother had chosen to make me look like a petty, grudge-holding, spoiled brat. I was over 40 and had a good career when, having heard I was going back to the town where Aunt lived, she came up with this 'theory'. The Most Horrible Event had occurred when I was 35. I can still get steamed up  :pissed: knowing this kind of thing has been spread around the extended family -- and that they believe it. Of course they do. Mother started letting them know I was "difficult" before I could speak. Poor Mother, she's had so much to contend with, and all of it came from me.

I've never once talked smack about any family member. I've never defended myself. After Aunt's bombshell I said: "Mother knows exactly what she did" and left it at that. It was a miracle I could say anything at all.

I'm convinced nothing I can say or do will redeem this caricature of me in the minds of extended family members.  The mircale is I no longer care. Fawning is horrible, makes matters worse. I no longer approach them, but if they approach me they get the current version: largely healed since NC with all FOO. It wouldn't have been my choice, but that's how it is -- and I now see it was a good thing.

All three of my siblings came to me when they hit a crisis

Elder Sis was first, and I can see I was the only person she could have come to. As teenagers we were best friends as well as sisters, and I know there's still a lot of love between us. She abandoned me for her own mental health when I was at my lowest ebb.

Younger Sis was next. She cost me time off work and money I couldn't afford, then dumped me as soon as her trouble was sorted out. Her subsequent collaboration with Mother led to my first psych hospital admission.  (She managed the second on her own, and via the internet.)

GCbro came last. He was still living with our parents and I was at the other end of Australia. I'd flown to their city for his 21st party, after which he told me he was gay. For about a year afterwards I put two letters (no email back then) in each envelope to him: one he could show Mother (because he had to :roll:) and one acknowledging his excitement over each new potential mate he was meeting. "The two clever ones" had a great relationship until my last contact with him, which hurt and saddened me. I had the gall to say so in writing, and he promptly dropped me as well,

Where I am today

It's taken me a very long time to deal with this, squirming when new contacts want to know about family. I know how to handle that now. I know where all FOO members are and, broadly speaking, what they're doing. Most people stop at that. If it goes further, I'm happy to say I haven't seen Whoever for years. The final line, if necessary, is "I'm not comfortable talking about this" -- and I can sit through the silence that follows. Anyone who pushed the point would be crossing the line into the red zone; hasn't happened yet and seems unlikely, but would definitely and the friendship.

Sticking to the facts is the key.

I've always loved all my FOO members and I always will.  Dad is gone. He was more of a support to me than the others knew. Mother and Younger Sis ... I can genuinely wish them well now with the hideous problems they have.  No longer any anger whatsoever towards ElderSis and GCbro. I was homeless, jobless and entirely on my own when they stopped contacting me, and I went into the too-hard basket. After all, they grew up in the same dysfunctional family as I did.

This sounds sad, but isn't. I can love from a distance and it feels so much better than the grief and rage I carried for so long. I still get sad and angry, but I can self-soothe out of it. Distance is another major key. I needed a lot of geographical distance, was always on the run and made a mess of people's address books (they told me so). I don't let myself dwell on the harm that did to career, finances and relationships; I had a lot of adventures. Getting right away from FOO helped a lot, but a far bigger factor was distancing them in my head. If there's any interest in that I'll elaborate, but this post is already too long.

Pre-emptive smear campaigning started early for a lot of us, and I know how damned hard it is to shut it out while we're struggling with self-esteem.  I want people to know it isn't the life sentence it seems.
#5
Family / MOVED: Book about boundaries
August 14, 2017, 04:21:24 AM
This topic has been moved to Books and Articles.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=7176.0
#6
General Discussion / Hope for UK members
July 30, 2017, 10:33:46 AM
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/#.WX20cvnyvIV gives a succinct definition of PTSD then moves straight into CPTSD: what it is, what causes it, what treatments are available. Includes a chunk on misdiagnosis with BPD.  :thumbup:

Good to see this in the UK, posted just a couple of months ago. Things are moving! :yahoo:

I'm about to undertake some investigation and will update.
#7
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Here I am again
June 10, 2017, 08:20:04 AM
Drowning in quicksand. Tired of struggling to keep myself afloat. Not a glimmer of light on the horizon. Self-care is meaningless. I don't even want to feel better. Smoking too much and drinking one coffee after another to stop myself screaming for all eternity.

I'm not going to the crisis team this time.  I did that a few weeks ago and I know where it leads. Rah-rah suggestions and medication. I am on my third week of an anti-D I've taken before and it's one of those that knocks you down to start with. The psychiatric world will never admit there are some things that can't be medicated. Lots of things.

I need a miracle now. I wonder what that would look like.
#8
I still don't understand and probably never will, but I'd like others' opinions on why she was the way she was and treated me the way she did.

NPD doesn't really fit. I've seen that checklist that starts "Everything she does is deniable" and ticked a lot of boxes, but if she had NPD wouldn't someone else have seen it?

You see, I was her scapegoat. The impression I get is that she's always been Modesty and Sweetness themselves to everyone but me.

I could see this when I was a child. I thought my mother the epitome of goodness and beauty, even though she gave every appearance of not liking me. That has run my life: everyone in the world deserves my mother's kindness and smiles, but I don't. For some reason this made me more clingy than other children. I was constantly trying and failing to win her approval.

She did nice things sometimes. That adds to the confusion. The mix, and hearing from everyeffingwhere else what a kind and wonderful mother I have, has seriously messed me about to the point of questioning my own perceptions.

Some other things she did:

1. She decided my elder sister was an invalid, and loved to play nurse. Sister herself took this on board and has done literally nothing with her life other than take care of herself. She's never had a job interview or paid rent. She's never travelled. Ultimately she decided she was bi-polar and takes medications (several of) accordingly; she refers to her partner as "my carer". She eats weird, because there are all sorts of basic things she "can't" eat.

I was in my 40s when a cousin asked me why my parents always pretended elder sis was ill. It was such a lightbulb for me, because I'd swallowed it as well. Oh, and whenever I was ill, I got sent to school regardless. :roll:

2. She made it clear to all of us that what she wanted was a boy to go with the girl she already had, making me and younger sister superfluous. Younger sister went through a rough patch in her late teens, I supported her, and we started to put our heads together as to what was wrong with us. At that point M deliberately stirred up trouble between us, backed my sister and became more overt in her hateful behaviour towards me. There were never any witnesses. This was when I first became aware of her smear campaigns.

3. She did the push-pull thing, which I saw on the list of PD behaviours only yesterday. Christmas 83 she told me she wished I hadn't come... after I'd shown up. She could have called me and told me not to come; instead she told me younger sister wasn't coming because I was going to be there. Makes no sense to me. Anyway, that was my last FOO Christmas. But since then she's had flying monkeys on board, called me wanting to talk it out, and so on.

4. Throughout her motherhood years, if she couldn't blame me she blamed EF. I now see him as her secondary scapegoat. She had we three girls believing he'd messed us up. But for some reason both sisters had over-the-top support and 'love' from her, while I got... what I got.

5. A long-ago boyfriend dropped in on her against my expressed wishes. I was furious with him for thinking he could fix things. Anyway, he didn't say much about it except that he didn't think I should go back. She had told him: "I don't know why I couldn't love my children" and cried about it.

6. It was very important to her to appear the Perfect Mother. She took issue with what she considered bad parenting every time she saw it IRL or in the media. You might say she was Mother Superior.

I heard something recently that said narcissistic mothers need to be needed by their children, so any attempt at independence is punished. This rang true for me. Seems I had a mind of my own from the start. So, first memory: I attempted to stand up from my potty and retrieve my own pants. The potty spilled over. M rushed in, slapped me and shouted: "You bad girl!"

I mentioned this to her when I was in my late 20s. She laughed, said she didn't remember it, and "I must have been having a bad day". I take this further: I must have been aware of previous "bad days", because I already knew better than to call her from the other room, and thought she might be pleased if I got up by myself.

A question: What kind of Mother Superior can slap a baby and not remember it?
#9
Books & Articles / Hypnotherapy for CPTSD
April 09, 2017, 10:19:03 AM
The way to retrain or recondition the bodyguard is to retake control of the body's nervous system. When the bodyguard cannot usurp the body through sleep or distractions, the conscious ego-mind is returned to its rightful place at the steering wheel.
~ http://web.wellness-institute.org/blog/bid/305799/Hypnotherapy-Applications-Complex-Trauma-and-Complex-PTSD
#10
Recovery Journals / To be Candid...
April 08, 2017, 11:17:45 AM
... I've balked at starting a recovery journal because I've known about CPTSD for about five years now, I'm an intelligent woman and I don't believe I personally can recover. Younger people, and those who've established a FOC, yes. But not me.

I remember a photo of my elder sister and myself sitting among other children at Dad's work Christmas party. We were watching some kind of show, and our faces were lit up. Okay, Sis looked a bit anxious, but I was sparkling with unalloyed pleasure. I wish I had that picture now, but from many moves and being NC with FOO, I have no pictures of myself before I was about 20.

Most members will probably be aware of Maslow's hierarchy, but for those who haven't heard of it or need a refresher, here it is: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

I've mostly been okay with the basic needs, and I am now, but I'm stuck on Belonging. I got by for a long time, believing I belonged in my FOO. As scapegoat :roll:, but I had a role and I knew how to play it. I belonged at primary school and at the first high school I attended, liked by teachers, some close friends (all now long gone from my life), getting good marks. Self-esteem was okay then.

Then my family migrated. In one hit I lost my friends, the extended family, my pets, my school, my familiar town. My childhood. I started a new school where I was teased and mimicked by others for my 'annoying' accent. The scapegoat role became the only one I had. I cried. I kept a journal, which unknown to me my mother read while I was at school.

I went to work, got fired a few times, then found a career and mostly stuck to it. A couple of workplaces -- the best of them -- I actually felt I belonged. Where I didn't, getting up and dressed five days a week kept me going even when I hated it.

I married a violent man and five months later I ran for my life. Mother had already told me she didn't want me in FOO, so I moved a long way away. Soon settled in a job, made some friends, felt like I'd been reborn. Went to university and got a diploma. Kept working. Bought a house. When it was paid for, I bought block of six apartments, then went back to my birth country intending to stay until the mortgage on the apartment block came down sufficiently for me to sell both properties and buy my ideal home.

A few months later a monster flood hit the town I'd left. I had no family, and no friends who cared enough that I could ask them to sort things out for me. With my house and the three downstairs apartments uninhabitable, the mortgage went out of control. I sold the apartments; the bank sold my former home and I got a $10,000 bill for the shortfall.

I kept going. I remarried.  H has never held a job for long. I was the breadwinner while 'we' were paying off a house. We lost that when my industry all but collapsed and I could no longer find work. I left H for five years, went back to that town where I'd once owned property, and got two-thirds of the way through a degree with the usual high grades. There was once again a sense of belonging at university. I liked the lecturers and students and they liked me.

Then the bike accident and the head injury. TBH I think it was the death blow.  In and out of hospital for six months, misdiagnosed and mismedicated for schizoaffective disorder. Medication enforced after I left the nuthouse. I dropped out of university. I could barely get out of bed, I was so depressed. I could no longer ride my bike (developed a phobia), shopping became an issue and therefore feeding myself was a problem. Relationship has been a major issue for me since the initial migration, and apart from two or three exceptions my friendships have all been circumstantial. When I leave, there's no follow-up. There's never anyone to help me through the worst times.

Finally I sent H an email. He makes a good foul-weather friend. A few months later he flew to that other country and brought me here to live with him and his mother. But I don't belong here and I see no way out.

To end on a brighter note, the woman who's been my bestie for the past 20 years suggested we meet for lunch this week. She lives a long way from me so we get together only rarely; the rest of the time it's email. Also, she distances herself when I'm sad. But she's upbeat and inspiring and, just for now, I have something to look forward to. A reason to shower and present myself as well as I can.

TIA for telling me I belong here, and the virtual hugs.

#11
Books & Articles / Review of Karyl McBride's book
March 24, 2017, 01:06:15 PM
I no longer have my copy but I don't think she mentions CPTSD. However, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is a great read for anyone who had a tough childhood relationally, and includes lots of helpful strategies.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/will-i-ever-be-good-enough-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers/
#12
This sounds like it could be useful: http://www.innerbonding.com/page2.php
#13
Therapy / Still waiting
March 20, 2017, 01:56:02 PM
A while ago I wrote about the devastation I felt upon learning that the beginning of therapy was not imminent but that the waiting list was up to six months.  Another member (sorry I can't remember who you were!) correctly guessed that I'm in the UK and said she too had been told six months, but that she got in after three.  I had a number of breakthroughs -- thank you, OOTS! -- and stopped caring whether I had therapy or not.

Today I've received a letter from a Traumatic Stress Service inviting me to be assessed. They enclosed a pamphlet which said the service dealt exclusively with PTSD sufferers, listing what we all know about PTSD-simple: a life-threatening incident as victim or witness, resultant symptoms chiefly depression and audio-visual flashbacks, and if it goes on too long voila!, it becomes PTSD.

Before the breakthroughs I was helpless and desperate, would ask H to make phone calls on my behalf. This past week -- ie. since a major crack-up complete with SI last Tuesday afternoon -- I've been getting stronger and feistier by the day.

So I went to the phone, rang the number and spoke to a pleasant female receptionist. I asked her whether the Traumatic Stress Service knew about CPTSD. She put it into her computer and told me no, so I told her: "I've been through more than one life-threatening situation -- I was raped at 19 and the man was threatening to kill me; and my first husband once pinned me to the bed holding a broken bottle in my face -- but I had PTSD-like symptoms before that. Complex PTSD most commonly begins in childhood. My parents, particularly my mother, abused me from infancy onwards."

She asked whether I wanted someone to call me and clarify that point before I would agree to an assessment for eligibility to the Traumatic Stress Service and I said no, but that I'd already been assessed, about six weeks ago at the local nuthouse. As it happened the man I saw on that occasion was named for cc along with my GP at the bottom of the trauma service's letter.

It was only then that she asked for name, date of birth and phone contact. I'm to receive another letter from them about the assessment appointment. Looking forward to it!

Oh, and I said: "A traumatic stress service ought to know about CPTSD." Some workers at this one probably do, but if not they soon will!
#14
Successes, Progress? / Success in thought-stopping
March 17, 2017, 03:47:35 PM
I'm a former SG whose whole FOO eventually went NC with me, not the other way round. Although I've waded through a rough sea of grief, rage and feelings of abandonment over this, I wouldn't want any of them back.

This week I realised I was thinking of family members every day, and that the longer I sat with it the worse I felt. I could be at first angry over the unfairness of it all, then be sad at not seeing my siblings ever again, then I would start to remember things FOO other than mother said, and I would start to think maybe it was me, after all, and soon after that I'd be self-destructing in some way guaranteed to make me feel worse.

A couple of days ago it dawned on me that I would never heal as long as I kept reopening these old wounds, and that I simply can't afford to be thinking of mother, father, sister, brother. I decided that when any one of them came to mind, I would have to get up and do something or switch my thoughts to what's right about myself and my life.

I may be saying something very basic that all of you already know. Of course the thoughts still come, but they can be switched off now. I don't have to go round and round in my own skull trying to figure out what I did wrong, how this situation came about, things I wish I'd said or desperately want to say now, or whether I 'should' extend olive branches to my siblings. In fact, I forbid myself doing any of that. If there was an Answer That Would Resolve Everything, I would have hit on it long ago.

Thought-stopping has made a big difference to me since then. Early days, but I like the effects so far. I feel a whole lot less tragic. I feel improved self-esteem and ability to speak up for myself. I feel slightly better able to cope with H's difficult moods. I even feel better about living with MIL!  And the miracle is, she's spontaneously offered to help us buy a home for ourselves.

I think the day will come when I think of a FOO member, wish them well and immediately let go. That particular neural pathway can be shut down and have pretty wisteria growing over it.
#15
General Discussion / What can we do?
March 17, 2017, 12:34:25 PM
I've just been out walking and came up behind a young woman ranting and yelling non-stop at a little girl I would estimate at two years old. Mother was full of insults and threats, including "you won't be able to see Daddy" and "no, you can't have anything now". As I passed them the little one started crying as she stumbled along and mother was still shouting horrible things at her.

I got some distance ahead of them (I wasn't hurrying; they were slow, obviously) and mother was still raving. I heard: "You have to walk, you little *. I'm not carrying you." I turned round hoping to shame mother out of what she was doing, but she was wholly focused on the child she appeared to hate.

I'd been feeling okay but my mood got clouded by this incident. I briefly considered going back and offering to piggyback the toddler to wherever they were headed. I figured it couldn't be far and I was walking for exercise, didn't need to be anywhere in particular. TBH I funked it because mother was properly wound-up and I was almost certain she would turn her wrath on me. At the very least she would tell me to mind my own business.

One time in a supermarket I saw a woman clout her little boy, and without hesitating I yelled: "NOT ROUND HIS HEAD, LADY!!" She looked up, startled, and I was pleased about that.

What do other members do when they see obvious child mistreatment in public? Do we have a duty to intervene, or is that putting our noses in forbidden places? I know toddlers can be very trying. And would intervention be meaningless anyway, one small incident in the context of whatever horrors go on behind closed doors?
#16
Employment / Need a job but don't want one
March 14, 2017, 12:30:24 PM
Confusing title?

It's a dilemma, meaning both options are unpleasant.

H and I are living in his parents' home. He's sort-of okay with that, but I'm finding it harder every day. MIL wants us out, too.

H has a dismal employment record mostly consisting of long gaps, and hasn't held any kind of job since 2009. My last job was in 2011. I'd always worked in a specialised field which has since collapsed. Two years ago I had a brain injury and I'm still under par with that -- although it's hard to tell which symptoms are ABI and which are CPTSD.

Yesterday we made talk time to discuss how we might proceed, and concluded that we both needed to find paid work in order to be able to rent a place of our own. I've been looking at online job ads and frankly I find them all intimidating. Meanwhile I'm numbing out on the internet all day every day, trying not to think about where we're headed.

I'd love to have a job that was a good fit and, more importantly, put me among good people. Most days I just give up and fill the hours till bedtime. This is no life at all. I also have grave doubts, after 12 years of marriage, that I would have chosen H as my life partner had I not been ostracised by my FOO. Apart from when we make a date, we mostly sit in separate rooms, each on our laptops.

My confidence is in the toilet. If I were in a situation where I felt liked and appreciated I'm sure I would feel better about myself, to say nothing of having some money to pay my way. However, I balk at being able to support both of us indefinitely. If we rent and furnish a place and I can't hack it, what then?

I think I just needed to put this out there, because you lot are my only cheer squad. I should add that I'm two weeks into group therapy for Acquired Brain Injury, and it's often the highlight of my week because I'm with fellow sufferers. And out of the house!

Ideas and suggestions gratefully received.
#17
Family / Wordless misery
March 05, 2017, 10:49:23 AM
Yesterday H and I went to visit a relative of mine. If not for H she would be out of my life with the rest of FOO, but she and H have been friends for decades. I've always liked her very much but when the last of FOO turned their backs I found myself shutting down around her. Because I'm going through a particularly dark time now, I told H on the way there that I had some anxiety about it. I knew it was going to be an acting job.

Well, it went on too long is all I can say. She and I both drink and smoke, so we had a few trips outside while H, who abstains, remained in the house. On the last of these excursions, Relative started casually talking about her teenage children and said something along the lines of: "Mothers love their children unconditionally but we can't always get it right. We can only do our best."

Despite being somewhat squiffy I felt myself freezing up at that. The acting job was shattered. Who does she talk to? What's she been told about how difficult I am, what a trial I always was to my mother? And what is she likely to go back to Them with?

That's where the wordless misery comes in, because lovely as Relative is, I don't expect her to take a different point of view of My Long-suffering and Saintly Mother, who as far as I can judge hated me unconditionally and did her worst to screw me up.

We went back inside and in no time she and H were laughing and talking while I sat there as if I were bound and gagged. It was Relative who noticed me drooping. And then of course H had to have one more cup of coffee for the road, while I wanted to wail and rend the walls and run off screaming into the night.

I went straight to bed when we got home and soon fell asleep (all that booze, I suppose) but came staring awake in the wee hours with the full horror of my isolation right in my face. This Horrible Thing that I have to hide from most of the world, the grief that dare not speak its name: http://sanctuaryweb.com/Portals/0/Bloom%20Pubs/2000%20Bloom%20Email%20Grief%20that%20Dares%20Ravages%201.pdf

Over the years the burden has become too great, until it feels as though that's all there is of me. I've finally become what Mother always said I was: difficult, moody, furtive, even dishonest. How else can I Be when I have to hide everything about myself? It's bad enough with everyday folk, but with blood relatives on Mother's side of the family it's excruciating. I really don't want Relative going back to the FOO with an account of what a party-pooper I am, confirming what they have always believed about me.

H asked me this morning if I was okay now, whether I slept well. I said yes, I'm fine. What I meant was, I'm back to my normal level of distress, when it was acute overnight. I reminded him I'd said I had some anxiety about the hook-up. He asked me if I wanted him to see Relative without me from now on. I said no.

I just needed to get that off my chest this morning.
#18
General Discussion / Co-morbid condition
March 01, 2017, 03:50:39 PM
CPTSD is my primary diagnosis, in that it pre-dated normal childhood illnesses and has had the greatest impact on my life. I also have an Acquired Brain Injury from when I fell off my bike going downhill and landed on my head, requiring reconstructive surgery for my face, in and out of hospital for about five months.

Today I went to my second meeting of an ABI support group. They're all good people with the same distressing and bewildering symptoms of brain injury. Some of the information given excluded me (eg. enlisting family support) and I made up my mind to talk to someone afterwards.

I told one of the group convenors (not psychologically trained) I had complex PTSD, and explained the difference between run-of-the-mill and C thusly:
PTSD is an incident, CPTSD is a whole life.
He was very understanding and asked how I felt about being in the group.

I said I was fine with the discussions and round-table contributing; it was when we took a break that I was in trouble. Not the first time this has happened to me: I look around the room and everyone's talking to someone else while I'm clutching my coffee cup and feeling like a prat. Eventually it got too much for me and I left the building with my cigarettes. Found I couldn't get back in through the door I'd exited, walked round to the main door, a crowd of people in the foyer, finding the door to the stairs, and back into the meeting room where of course they'd started up again.

I don't talk to people. I can take brief encounters but I feel myself edging away as soon as they start. This comes across as rudeness or not liking the person who's waylaid me. I simply don't know where to start in conversation, much less keep it going. Nor do I feel inclined to tell anyone: "My mother was horrible to me, I have CPTSD and I act weirdly sometimes." Who wants to know that?

Anyway, the break was a very short time in a two-hour meeting, and I enjoyed it overall. It feels good to be among people other than H and MIL. There are ten weekly meetings to go and I expect to be at all of them.

Suggestions are welcome, although right now (and in the long walk home) I'm telling myself: It's okay to be the way I am. Of course I'll talk if someone talks to me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It wouldn't matter if I never talked to another living soul for the rest of my life.

Reminds me of a work trip to Japan some years ago with a group of people in the same industry but from around the world. We constituted an odd number, and shared hotel rooms were allocated. People were whooping and laughing and high-fiving their new roomies and I sat there trying to look casual, knowing all the time who would have a room to herself. Lucky me, right?
#19
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

Where can I find a therapist like this?
#20
Frustrated? Set Backs? / For those traumatised in FOO
February 27, 2017, 02:41:12 PM
What do we mean by recovery? Recovery to what, exactly?

I think back to the infant slapped and yelled at by my primary abusegiver. Mother. What a loaded word!

The bright-eyed little girl who did well in school ... and was called a "big head" at home whenever she scored an A.

The unhappy teenager who just didn't make friends, and who spent most of her time at home in her room, reading, writing into a journal which, unbeknown to me, Mother was reading while I was at school.

The shy, terrified worker who had her own very low glass ceiling, was head down while other employees were goofing off, was always given the more difficult or late tasks, was bullied out of one job and quit many others in despair, who regularly went to the ladies' toilet and sobbed.

The rape victim who was too polite to refuse a lift home, and much too well-brought-up to kick out the guy's car window.

The wife who was beaten, raped, totally controlled and monitored, until she ran in fear for her life.

The hobo accused of ruining other people's address books because she could never stay anywhere for long.

The patient who went from doctor to doctor being given anti-depressants and who was twice locked up for psychosis.

The people-pleaser who somehow pleases no one, apart from her second husband who lives in a different world to the rest of us and can't hold a job.

What hope of 'recovery'? What would it look like? What would I look like? What can I hope for apart from dragging myself through to the bitter end?