Messages

I agree wholeheartedly with Three Roses: when we're forced to make a big decision like this one, we can then spend a very long time questioning whether we jumped the right way.  This is a waste of the emotional energy we need to re-establish ourselves in the new situation, so  "stick to it and have an end goal in sight" is good policy.

I left.  Just grabbed some clothes and my kids, got in the car....and left.

This suggests you'd been gathering data for a long time, until you got the Decider.  All these "brand new burdens" take their toll, so be easy on yourself, know that you've done the right thing, BREATHE and keep going through the motions.

I never want to see them again but I have to.  and i'm scared.  and i'm angry that i'm scared. 
I just want to be myself again so much!

I hear you, sister.  A move like this is an attack on identity, and IME we never can go back to the less-challenged self who handled everything more easily.  We have to learn new ways of coping, and we can't unlearn them.  The new, improved version is still ahead of us, but it's messy in the meantime.  Personal growth is messy.

to you.  You've survived so much and you'll go on surviving.  You'll get through this.

Glad you liked it, AA.

Forgot to mention, you can start with the CONCLUSION you want evidence of, which is likely to be the opposite of what They taught you about yourself, so it isn't dependent on other people's actions.  Consider: I am smart, I am generous, I am considerate, etc.

Funny thing about this, once you get started you begin to get compliments for these things.  The trick then is to accept praise graciously, not to dismiss it or question is as is common in.... well, me.

My CBT guy said to do at least three entries a day.

I can tell my history only in bits, which is what makes the forum so valuable to me.  Recently tried to write about The Worst Day of My Life in my journal, and there were so many explanatory back stories, I gave up.  What I managed to get out there seems to have helped, though.  I presently have no therapist and no one IRL I can tell it to -- my feeling that no one wants to hear it is validated -- so I made up my mind to tell it to myself.  Seeing it on paper, forcing myself to get the sequence of events in order, helped me see things more clearly.

When/if I ever make it to the top of the waiting list for therapy, I'll be focusing on CPTSD symptoms that are bothering me now.

I hate it that bullies win. 

I'm so sorry, Dee. 

I believe that is essentially 'Catastrophizing', and a lot of us can relate to it I'm sure.

I have this contradictory thing, based on whether I've slept or not, where either I can see my way through and feel okay -- even good -- about life OR everything's impossible right now, I'm headed for greater disaster and I might as well roll over and give up.  Catastrophizing is definitely the word for those days.

It helps me to know not to do anything hasty --- just go take a nap.

[Selfish]

I have feared I have this dark, selfish side that I must desperately try to contain for the sake of others.  I can only be rendered harmless in complete subservience.  I worry I am secretly a monster...

Selfish went right along Big Head and difficult where I came from, and I know what enormous damage it does.  Yes, complete subservience, struggling over things-to-make-myself-acceptable Lists, becoming the overworked and kicked-about Victim in so many working situations...  Horrible.

A long-ago CBT therapist suggested keeping a self-esteem diary to look for evidence of my qualities.  Eg.:
DATE             EVENT                                                                          CONCLUSION
10/9/27         Janet invited me to her place for dinner                I am likeable

Hmm, haven't done that for a while...

she is a teacher. It's not that she was using those types of excuses though, we had money and what not but basically as far as food went it was; "This is the food you have for the week. If you eat it all, tough luck."
But I'd be so hungry, I'd end up eating most of it in just a few days and she would refuse to buy more food so I'd just end up starving for the rest of the week. :\ And begging off friends.

I am horrified.  Words fail, they really do.

AA Tremendous the first.  I'm cheering for you to get away from Them and into your rightful (and well-stocked) palace, Your Royal Highness.

Listening, paraphrasing and validating make a huge difference, Kat.  Good for you!

i heard from the doc.  he's jazzed - it is not the melanoma he thought it was, which is a very bad one, but still a type of skin cancer.  however, he says the procedure is 99% effective, the cancer doesn't spread, my other concerns aren't linked to it, and everything should be ok.  yay!!!

[you]

San, I'm so very shocked and sorry to hear this.  The only bright spot is that finally someone is taking you seriously, and you will get the best care they can give.  I know what a huge difference that makes.

and COURAGE to you, my dear friend.  It's time to start letting other people look after you.  xx

I recall when some were saying that she made it all up...years later....But I personally believe maybe she and her others had integrated. And I also thought.. ...which of those naysayers walked a step, much less a mile in Sybil's shoes?

Someone cynical said to me: "It's a good novel."  As a matter of fact, it isn't.  After integration Sybil actually said, when she started dating and a man wanted to marry her, that she had been too damaged for too long to be in a position to consider it.  No happy ending.  Far too many characters rapidly introduced as therapy drew to a conclusion.  It's a terrific case study, though.

If we want to say Sybil herself (as opposed to the author) was making it up, we might as well say no child is ever brutalised by a parent.  She was a talented artist and obviously very bright, but her life was totally screwed up by a torturing mother and a father who didn't want to see the signs.

While we're nattering about famous child abuse cases, has anyone else read Dibs in Search of Self by Virginia Axline?  Dibs was lucky in that his wealthy parents got him to psychologist Axline when he was only five.  His parents didn't change, but Dibs got outside validation while he was in primary school -- and that made all the difference.

What a horrible situation, InjuredW0lf.   

I decided to open connection with them gradually in a bid to forgive. I did so, and it only made things worse.

I understand. I did the same thing with my parents about 25 years ago after a long estrangement, and it was so horrific that I knew I would have to cut contact with them for life. 

I need to leave but my parents (who paid for the trip) seem to be stalling because they are incredibly incredibly controlling. (They told me they had infinite funds to pay for my trip here and only when I came did I realize they broke the bank to get me here

I'm puzzled.  Are you saying your parents are in Canada but they sent you to Somaliland at great expense?  Is there anyone in Canada other than family who would be willing to take you in if you went back? 

Don't despair, my friend.  I'm glad you decided to join our forum, and I hope you'll find what you need here.

Hello, there!    I'm glad you've found our forum.

First things first.  If that's your real name, you may want to consider changing it.  This forum is open to the world.  My H isn't signed up but he can easily access all my posts by clicking on my name -- which is okay, but you never know who else might stumble across you.

I believe I have C-PTSD.

I believe you do, too.

I wouldn't be so quick with the personality disorder.  Avoidance of other people is part and parcel of CPTSD.  You were bullied at school and at home, which was your whole world at the time.  It's natural (and almost universal in CPTSD) to extrapolate from that into believing nobody is safe company for us.

I married a borderline personality disorder. She good now but was real bad for about 10 years.

Again, was that an official diagnosis?  And if it was, is it to be trusted? We have a great mentor here in a cove called Pete Walker.  His book is called CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.  Here's what he has to say:
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet.

~ http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

IOW, CPTSD is very commonly misdiagnosed.  It isn't even formally recognised as distinct from PTSD-simple, although I understand DSM amendment is on its way.  It's my understanding that people with any kind of PD can't and/or don't change -- not a diagnosis I would accept for myself.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the psychologist. Again, that seems to be a common experience on our forum.  I wonder what your doc means by "a specialist"?  Sounds like a psychiatrist, if it's someone who can write a prescription.  May I ask how much Zoloft you've been taking?

Stay with us, my friend.  You have lots of company here. 

I don't have much experience with insomnia, my sleep problems are more just... sleeping and sleeping and sleeping until I only have 12 hours in my day left.

Apparently too much sleep can be as bad (or worse) than insomnia.  Too much sleep makes us tired!

I find the whirr of an electric fan beside my bed helps... but not in winter, obviously.