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Messages - Candid

#841
General Discussion / Re: finding a job that I can do
January 19, 2017, 09:10:48 AM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on January 18, 2017, 01:41:47 PMDo u mind me asking how you have survived re no income from a job ?

Not at all! I'm 'living' with my husband in his parents' home. I think it's shameful, after decades of independence. I absolutely hate having to creep around, and no space for my stuff... but we can't afford to rent on one low income. Hub has mental health issues, too.

QuoteDef can't work at the moment and trying hard not to worry about it.

I doubt I can either, but I feel pressured by circumstances to try. Our marriage has been fragile for some time and living here ain't helping. I hesitate because there would have to be a period of [how long???] when I'm working and still living here... and what if we get a place of our own, furnish it, and then I fall flat on my face??
#842
General Discussion / Re: finding a job that I can do
January 18, 2017, 11:22:21 AM
Quote from: bring em all in on December 28, 2016, 07:38:31 PM
on the spectrum of recovery I'm closer to inpatient at a mental hospital than taking a job.

Yeah, me too. And yet I am in a financial pickle, have no home, and need to do something soon.

I'm considering care work in a nursing home for the elderly. It's dirty, disgusting, heartbreaking and grossly underpaid, but those things mean they are always looking for staff. Now trying to psych myself up to apply.

Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on January 17, 2017, 11:09:20 PMI have been looking around at what I can do and I am at a loss

It's hard, isn't it? I'm another one who hasn't worked for a few years and therefore I have no recent references. Also, a dichotomy: Frankly I don't feel up to working at all, but I've always had a problem with unstructured time. I need to be doing something other than playing games on line all day!

#843
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Candid's Intro
January 18, 2017, 11:01:47 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 17, 2017, 01:22:06 PMschizo-affective disorder is pretty heavy stuff. 
No kidding! I repeatedly tell myself that what 'they' think doesn't make it true, but it's hard to behave naturally around someone looking for pathology. The report from the last shrink, which I've had to hand over, is full of gross and damning inaccuracies. Also says in several places "Candid denies hearing voices" and "is not accepting of her primary diagnosis" while scant references to family stuff are "Candid says..." They see and hear only what they're looking for.

Quotewe've talked about how we often have to advocate for ourselves with the medical profession.
I'm exhausted with it and pessimistic about the new round. Why don't they ever listen???

Quote from: Three Roses on January 17, 2017, 05:28:03 PM
Hi, welcome! I've just turned 60 and within the past few years have remembered quite a bit that was forgotten or purposely buried by me, subconsciously.

Yes, I see things more clearly now than I did when it was going on. It's very painful and I get mad at myself. My greatest regret is that I didn't wake up sooner and stop approaching my mother for anything like appropriate behaviour. Grr! Trouble is I have never stopped loving her or the rest of the family who followed her; I just wanted them to love me.

Quotewhen we make ourselves better, no matter when we start, we are helping to make the world a better place.

I've been jumping through the hoops because there's no alternative, but I'll keep that idea in mind!

Kizzie, thanks for directing me to the info sheets. Along with the psychiatric report I emailed docs about CPTSD and BPD. I'm being discussed at a meeting next Monday :rolleyes: and it's probably a good thing I won't be present. Uuurgh.
#844
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Candid's Intro
January 17, 2017, 12:27:12 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on January 16, 2017, 07:58:38 PMFWIW, those with CPTSD tend to have fewer relationships, even to isolate themselves while those with BPD seek out relationships but they are chaotic.  It's an important difference and may mean that you do not actually suffer from BPD   

Thanks for that, Kizzie. I am about to be assessed by a psychiatrist (another one!) who is likely to go with the previous shrink's misdiagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. But of course if I say anything like that I'll be called paranoid. The scapegoat can never win, right?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 17, 2017, 12:23:27 AMperhaps your current anti-depressant isn't the right one for you.  when i was going through that, it was really experimental until i found what worked.  same with your therapists.  did you ever have an actual trauma-trained therapist?  that could make all the difference. 

It was a trauma specialist who diagnosed C-PTSD. Unfortunately the condition has been dismissed as non-existent by everyone since.

As to the meds, you're right, Paroxetine doesn't seem to be doing anything for me except perhaps regulate my sleep, for which I'm thankful. TBH I think it extremely unlikely any pill can make me feel okay about my life as it is, and I volunteered for the new assessment because I want some real help... if there's any out there. That comes from someone who's been through the grind with far too many counsellors, psychologists, therapists et al.

:heythere: and thanks to those who replied. I think I'm going to like it here.
#845
a childhood in the trenches and an adulthood filled with new injuries

That sums it up, doesn't it?
#846
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Candid's Intro
January 16, 2017, 11:43:16 AM
I am a 61-year-old woman and was the scapegoat in a sibship of four. I stopped seeing my parents in my 30s and have since been ostracised by my siblings as well as being regarded with suspicion by extended family members. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in 2012 and have since realised I tick all the boxes for borderline personality disorder. I have only one good friend who I can't see as often as I would like. Relationship is my number one problem.

I am flooded with memories of horrible things (abduction, rape, a violent husband to list the worst) that would not have happened if I'd had a supportive family. I keep remembering things my mother said to me that took away any confidence I might have had, how she sneered whenever anything went wrong for me as well as when things went well. She must really have hated me. At the same time I feel the lack of a family and wish I had been accepted by mine.

It's hard to keep going but what's the alternative? I've seen dozens of therapists and a few have been understanding but sooner or later we always reach a point where either they or I give up. I don't even want to talk about my stuff any more. The best time of the day is when I go to bed; I often have what I think of as compensatory dreams -- feeling good among nice people -- and the worst time of the day is when I wake up and wonder how the * I will fill the day ahead. Nothing seems worth the bother of doing, including housework, shopping and cooking.

The thought of trudging on for another 20 years or so is horrific. I don't see any good ahead. BTW I am taking Paroxetine for depression but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I signed up ages ago and have been just reading until now. I hope this post isn't too long. Thanks for reading.